To have a child knowing they’ll spend 4 or 5 days in nursery?

[mvmvmvmv]

AIBU to have a child knowing they’d likely be in nursery 4 days a week after my maternity, and likely going to 5 days a week by age 3? Is it unreasonable to have a child knowing they will need to spend so much time in nursery? Is it cruel?

We have zero family nearby, and family finances mean we both pretty much need to work full time (one of us could drop to 4 days for a year).

I don’t want to use a nanny or au pair as I’d want my child to have social interaction with other kids. There are v few childminders near us so unlikely to be an option. The local nursery is very good tho.

Of all the things you can do to fuck your kids up in the 18 years you’ve got responsibility for them, sending them to nursery for a year or two is the absolute bottom of the list.

There are amazing nurseries and then there are not so amazing ones but all are inspected, all are governed and all staff are qualified to work with children - none of that applies to parents does it.

Some children are safer in nursery than they are at home.

OP with the greatest of respect, please read the room

Mine absolutely loved nursery. It was a great nursery and they were so happy, made great friends, ate fresh food cooked by an on site chef, had lots of outside and inside space, toys, books, a park and duck pond nearby to visit, and a stable staff team who were all qualified and experienced. They were well cared for and were fully socialised and ready for school when the time came.

YABVU to post such an offensive and goady question on a parenting forum. As you well know countless parents do this every day and your insensitive and ignorant ramblings may cause them distress tonight

Of course it’s not. My children were all in nursery, DS from 12 months, DD from 9 months and my oldest son he was 1 too (he’s an adult now). My middle DS who went full time doesn’t barely even remember his time at nursery, so he wouldn’t have remembered had I took a career break, and the other two barely remember. All went to Afterschool club, all fine with that, they are all close to me and their dad, they are 17 & 14 now the younger two and don’t give me a days trouble. Really good kids who both love spending time at home but are sociable too and have lots of friends. The reality is most parents have to work, my kids have seen (especially in the last 2yrs when WFH) how hard I work and that’s a great example to them. There’s plenty of people who use nurseries when they don’t work at all so I think it’s definitely not a negative thing

Cruel?? !!

Pretty sad that 28% of people think it is clearly unreasonable. Clearly all able to survive on one salary

Well, lots of us do it and have perfectly well balanced kids so.....🤷🏼‍♀️
It was always my intention to go back to work full time.

@draramallama Is it cruel to have children only to pack them off to school 5 days a week and subject them to the pressure of exams? it’s not ideal no.

@AliceW89

Cruel? Really? I mean, there are arguments that it’s not comparable in terms of development to spending all day, one on one with a loving, engaged family member (although I actually think DS has come on with his motor skills thanks in part to 3 days at nurse)…but to consider it potentially cruel is a big leap. Especially as that loving, engaged family member is often the mother and being a stay at home parent sure as hell ain’t the easy option.

What arguments? Anecdotal arguments maybe but there is actual epidemic evidence to the contrary. That children 3 and Over who attend formal nursery settings score better in terms of development than those who do not attend nursery. That is actual research by actual institutions

I think you’re right to consider it carefully before you make the leap! I’d second those saying strongly consider a childminder for the early years if at all possible. At that age they primarily need as much one-to-one as possible...and a good childminder will take them out and about to baby groups.

In any case, all-day sociability is not the be-all-and-end-all in the early years before they really start to play. Arguably a sense of security and confidence, gained from spending these very formative days with an adult who has time to build a strong, rich and personal relationship with them, is just as desirable.

I think think little children, and babies especially, need a consistent care-giver and home environment. Nursery is better once they are 3 or 4. Tbh I would question why you are having kids only to send them to childcare so much. Do you really want them, or are you having them because you feel you should? I had children because I wanted to spend a significant portion of my time nurturing them and caring for them. Can you or your partner not reduce hours a bit for the first 2-3 years?

Thanks glad the feeling is it is fine.

A male colleague commented today that he can’t believe that some people put their children in nursery till 5pm and how cruel it is. It just got me worried. For context he is about 50 with no kids.

Arguably a sense of security and confidence, gained from spending these very formative days with an adult who has time to build a strong, rich and personal relationship with them,
You mean like a nursery key person?

Even things like learning "ta" instead of "thank you" would have put me off.

So you're against regional dialects then?

I say 'ta' and I'm pretty well educated.

Yanbu but i do think it's so sad the way society has ruined the traditional family..so many children are not being reared in their home and no matter how anyone tries to justify it, it is sad and unnatural.
I couldn't bear the thought of a crèche rearing my child or a childminder or any other woman but me in their early years before school,
To me it's like an institution that hopefully, somehow will be abolished in future years,
It would be lovely to see a world again where the norm is for one parent to raise their children and the other work or for both to do so jointly with part time careers.

A male colleague commented today that he can’t believe that some people put their children in nursery till 5pm and how cruel it is. It just got me worried. For context he is about 50 with no kids.
Please call a plumber for this drip.

No, it’s not cruel and I don’t think you’re being goady or anything like that. I was really, really emotional about sending DS to nursery when our free hours came up (I work 3 full days) and in all honesty, had I known how much my highly strung, super clingy wee boy would have loved it, I’d have sent him sooner.

• empirical not epidemic

I have 2 fabulous kids, 16 and 13, we’re very close. They were both in nursery and then with a before and after school childminder 4 days a week. They have nothing but happy memories and the occasional resentment tends to be over a time I picked them up early and spoiled all their fun. If you make sure you have quality childcare it’s fine

I wasn’t sure whether to vote that you were unreasonable, or not, because of the way you’ve phrased the question.

It is not unreasonable to put a child in nursery 4 or 5 days a week, as long as you have a good nursery. Ours is great, I trust them completely, DD loves it and is very happy to be there 4 days a week.

@navydear

Yanbu but i do think it's so sad the way society has ruined the traditional family..so many children are not being reared in their home and no matter how anyone tries to justify it, it is sad and unnatural. I couldn't bear the thought of a crèche rearing my child or a childminder or any other woman but me in their early years before school, To me it's like an institution that hopefully, somehow will be abolished in future years, It would be lovely to see a world again where the norm is for one parent to raise their children and the other work or for both to do so jointly with part time careers.

Define 'traditional family' ....

Mine absolutely loved it

This is what the majority of working parents have to do I can’t imagine why you think it’s cruel, especially when they will go onto spend 5 days in school

@SpinsForGin
Traditional family: one or both parents rearing their own children