To have a child knowing they’ll spend 4 or 5 days in nursery?

[mvmvmvmv]

AIBU to have a child knowing they’d likely be in nursery 4 days a week after my maternity, and likely going to 5 days a week by age 3? Is it unreasonable to have a child knowing they will need to spend so much time in nursery? Is it cruel?

We have zero family nearby, and family finances mean we both pretty much need to work full time (one of us could drop to 4 days for a year).

I don’t want to use a nanny or au pair as I’d want my child to have social interaction with other kids. There are v few childminders near us so unlikely to be an option. The local nursery is very good tho.

@MadameHeisenberg. The idea a paid nursery is superior to a good enough mother or parent raising her or his own child is galling. Nursery makes children conform to a schedule better, making starting school easier on teachers. Many children, including most of those later diagnosed with SEN, are not happy in congregate care. Finding a quality nursery can be tough, and is very expensive.

If I left my professional career for more than a year I would never get back in. To those suggesting this is ‘possible’ you have an extremely narrow frame of reference. To be a consultant or a PA/EA is something entirely apart. It is entirely unreasonable to make a blanket criticism of mothers when you have no idea of individual circumstances (whether they be financial or professional/career related). Trust me if I jacked in my profession for 5 years I would be criticised for that as my skills are in high demand and of social value. But it’s the usual game: we just can’t win as women. And instead of helping each other we do the work of the patriarchy for them. Bravo!

Find a good nursery which is right for your child

DC1 still has very fond memories of time at nursery even though it's been 3 years or so since leaving!

Forgot to add YANBU

So many here in SE London have children in some sort of childcare setting for pre school kids

Nursery makes compulsory school education easier for the children themselves, primarily.

I take it you have noticed that humans are not snow leopards; we live in collective societies and if anyone is to have a chance at a successful and happy life, they need to learn as children, how to behave within said societies. We aren’t preparing our kids for a solitary life in a remote wilderness, therefore nursery helps build social and emotional skills in a safe environment.

15 hours a week at three is plenty for socialization. I’m not sure long hours of congregate care for under threes while children are still involved in parallel play are necessary. Little children often need more flexibility than can be offered in a group setting.

@Ericaequites

15 hours a week at three is plenty for socialization. I’m not sure long hours of congregate care for under threes while children are still involved in parallel play are necessary. Little children often need more flexibility than can be offered in a group setting.

Unfortunately paying the mortgage is necessary, and working 15 hours a week won't allow me to do that!

I don’t think more time in a high quality nursery is bad for children, but not every child is suited to that. We all have to make a living, and make our own choices.

So all you posters saying 'don't have children if you just shove them in nursery', do you think only rich people should have children? Only families that can survive on one income?
I don't know anyone, with children, that can survive on only one income. Should they not be allowed to breed because they're 'poor'?

Nothing wrong with childcare; most people work!?
And nannies do socialise with other children - playgroups, park, play dates etc. I had a nanny for mine since 6 months - they're now at school. Not much else I could have done as needed to work, nothing cruel about providing for your family. Don't worry or feel guilty - children will not be damaged by childcare.

@Fearnyleaves

So all you posters saying 'don't have children if you just shove them in nursery', do you think only rich people should have children? Only families that can survive on one income? I don't know anyone, with children, that can survive on only one income. Should they not be allowed to breed because they're 'poor'?

While there are many families who genuinely could not get by on one salary, there are plenty, especially within the mumsnet demographic I strongly suspect, who could if that was what they really wanted (though I suspect my definition of getting by is quite different to yours), but it would mean giving something else up instead - career, early retirement potential, a bigger house etc.

That is their choice and I certainly won't criticise anyone for it - you do what works best for you and you definitely don't need to be a SAHM to be a good parent.

However it does iritate the life out of me that not only do many people claim they have no choice when actually they do (but it would be really hard) but then not just that, they often look down at those who have made that choice and sneer.

The way I see it is your chikd will spend 4 irv5 days a week playing, socialising and interacting with other kids and staff, with some educational activities too i expect.

And then weekends with parents that can afford to do more with him/her

Or at home all day with just mum.

Not cruel AT ALL. The right nursery is a wonderful place where children thrive. I work full time and DS is doing amazingly. And we have an incredible bond, he feels so loved.
Ridiculous man to have suggested that.

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

This was a big thing on MN when my children were little (20 years ago). I was a SAHM, but if I had been forced to work, my preferences would have been 1. Nanny; 2. CM; 3. Nursery (and that is excluding family help, as we didn't have any). I became close friends with several nannies of my DC's friends; good nannies are the best substitute for a parent, and will ensure that children are socialised.

It's not natural for small children to spend their entire time with their peers. They need to meet and interact with people of all ages, and they can only do this if they are living in the outside world, not sequestered away in a nursery.

From my friends' experiences, I wouldn't want my children looked after by young people on the minimum wage in a nursery. These people are doing a crucial job, but the wages they are offered are unlikely to attract the people with the intelligence that you would wish for in the people who are caring for your child. Even things like learning "ta" instead of "thank you" would have put me off.

This is a really sad post...

Nursery workers are fabulous. Ours are just superb!

It's a shame to suggest this when you've never used a nursery.

I always said that when I had a baby I would take my 9 month mat leave then go back to work full time mon- Fri 8-4. Then my little one came along and I'm taking the year and only going back two days a week🙈

This is exactly our situation. We used babysitters sometimes as well on top of nursery. After Covid, I no longer have guilt. It's the best place for my son. He is happy, confident and outgoing as a result. The team in the nursery give him loads of love, it's like one big family. Don't worry about it OP.

Here here mongo

However it does iritate the life out of me that not only do many people claim they have no choice when actually they do (but it would be really hard) but then not just that, they often look down at those who have made that choice and sneer.

IRL I don't know anyone who sneers at the choices other people have made. I just assume they've made choices to suit their situation.

I'll be honest, we absolutely could survive on DHs salary but I choose to work. I find it frustrating to hear people talking about women working like it's a bad thing! I had it when I returned from mat leave.... I lost count the amount of people who told me how awful it was that is had to return full time. Funny how nobody ever said that to my husband 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm definitely biased though as my entire career has been based on supporting others in their career development.

Oh, I own it. I absolutely don’t ‘need’ to work in the sense that DH’s salary is more than adequate (we are both high-earning expats). That said, I think all healthy adults should work in order to responsible for themselves and contribute to society. I find it quite infantilising really that able-mind/bodied adults would rely on others for their survival. And If you have offspring, you have a moral duty to provide for them financially, whether you’re male or female.

How many of these women who are happy to judge and sacrifice other women’s careers in favour of SAH, would encourage their sons to do the same? Not many, I’m betting.

YWNBU to send child to nursery, but you should not put any additional expense in your life at this point that would make it even more impossible to change your plans. Eg don't commit to huge car payments. Give yourselves as much flexibility as you can so you can cope with whatever comes your way.

All children are different - some will settle just fine, other will find it difficult and often traumatic. Only you can decide what's best for your family. I went back to work when my oldest was 1 (we hired a lovely nanny) I deeply regretted it even though it gave us huge financial security. I have been staying at home with my youngest for 3+ years and it has almost killed my career.

I wouldn't let the advice of a fifty year old childless man worry you! I have three kids who all went full time to nursery from age one. It's normal.

I'm sorry but there is not one single positive that I can think of for a child to be in a crèche before the age of 3. A child of 1 or 2 years does not even play with other children, they just play along side them. Taking a child from their sleep at all hours of the dawn to bring them to a service to be cared for mainly by young girls, who, let's be honest are mostly tired and hungover of a Monday morning, is nothing but cruel. How can this substitute the love that child should be receiving from their mother all day. One on one attention and the feeling of being nurtured and loved is what these babies should be receiving, not dropped into a room of god knows how many other toddlers of the exact same age with all the very same needs and demands. It's bonkers if anyone thinks that this is natural. I can't imagine my little girl spending 10 hours of the day in a business. Where is the lazy hours of cuddling on the sofa, the long hugs and kisses, the listening ear of a mammy while listening to their stories over and over. I know people don't have choice but instead of trying to pretend that this is all okay, maybe start fighting for change so mothers can afford to be at home with their babies untill at least school age. These years are so formative, yet you hand your child over to experience things, see and hear things that you have no control of, these years shape your child's future and you are not there to ensure it is shaped by the best way possible.

@navydear

I'm sorry but there is not one single positive that I can think of for a child to be in a crèche before the age of 3. A child of 1 or 2 years does not even play with other children, they just play along side them. Taking a child from their sleep at all hours of the dawn to bring them to a service to be cared for mainly by young girls, who, let's be honest are mostly tired and hungover of a Monday morning, is nothing but cruel. How can this substitute the love that child should be receiving from their mother all day. One on one attention and the feeling of being nurtured and loved is what these babies should be receiving, not dropped into a room of god knows how many other toddlers of the exact same age with all the very same needs and demands. It's bonkers if anyone thinks that this is natural. I can't imagine my little girl spending 10 hours of the day in a business. Where is the lazy hours of cuddling on the sofa, the long hugs and kisses, the listening ear of a mammy while listening to their stories over and over. I know people don't have choice but instead of trying to pretend that this is all okay, maybe start fighting for change so mothers can afford to be at home with their babies untill at least school age. These years are so formative, yet you hand your child over to experience things, see and hear things that you have no control of, these years shape your child's future and you are not there to ensure it is shaped by the best way possible.

Do you work?

It’s whatever works for you really.

The only time I judged someone for having a baby is when they and their partner had a very difficult, ten year struggle to conceive. A few days after the birth the baby was in nursery full time and as soon as she was 2 she went to boarding school. Just seems a bit pointless to me, like it was to tick a box rather than actually wanting a child.

Other than that extreme example I think most people who work have children in nursery and then they go to school, it’s just the way of it really.