To have a child knowing they’ll spend 4 or 5 days in nursery?

[mvmvmvmv]

AIBU to have a child knowing they’d likely be in nursery 4 days a week after my maternity, and likely going to 5 days a week by age 3? Is it unreasonable to have a child knowing they will need to spend so much time in nursery? Is it cruel?

We have zero family nearby, and family finances mean we both pretty much need to work full time (one of us could drop to 4 days for a year).

I don’t want to use a nanny or au pair as I’d want my child to have social interaction with other kids. There are v few childminders near us so unlikely to be an option. The local nursery is very good tho.

What an odd thought. No of course your child will be happy at nursery and will have fun with you at weekends. They are in school all day at 4, do you think that is cruel too?

I went back 5 days a week, DD was 9 months old and did 4 days at nursery and one day with nanny, I loved it, she loved it, she’s 2 now and she loves coming home and talking to us about her day with her friends. She’ll recognise things at home like a picture on the fridge she did at nursery and sets her off talking about the nursery staff who care for her, her friends ect. She gets really excited to go every morning. I think it’s set us up for when she goes to school in a couple of years too, I’m not worried about her feeling home-sick or worried about going to school because she’s been home with me every day.

Unfortunately we’ve just had to pull her from nursery while I’m on maternity leave again, but we’ll be doing the same thing once baby 2 arrives, both into nursery/preschool. - I’m just trying to take her to classes/groups and do things at home that we’re similar to nursery so she’s not so bored here with me!

[quote De88]**@Mumwithapub* as you say- you are fortunate* not everyone has that choice. And plenty don't want that choice. What you think and feel applies to you and your family. There's no need to gripe about other people making perfectly reasonable choices for their children, for their circumstances.[/quote]
Yes what I think and feel is my choice isn't Mumsnet a forum to share opinions but hell if you have an opinion that differs the sheep fuck me so many people think they have the right to run everyone down. The original post was "to have a child knowing I will have to put the in nursery 4/5 days a week." Well some of us are of the opinion that a child needs a parent to DEDICATE at least the first year solely on the baby then part time at work after that. However if 12 hours a day in child care is the option some want to go for and think that the child is going to have well rounded relationships and a happy full life go for it

@Mumwithapub - I’m lucky enough to see the advantages of how we raised DT’s as they are now 22 so we are through the nursery and school days.
DT’s are happy adults - they both have started their post grad jobs in different European countries but travel home regularly and both came with us on a family skiing holiday in the US over New Year. There isn’t a day go by without them texting or ringing. Although they grew up without extended family living in the U.K. we were lucky enough to travel regularly to visit grandparents in Canada and Belgium and they have a good relationship with them as well as their cousins.
I don’t regret the decisions (and can’t see any negatives) we made for our family and enjoy the adults our DT’s have become.

Yes what I think and feel is my choice isn't Mumsnet a forum to share opinions but hell if you have an opinion that differs the sheep fuck me so many people think they have the right to run everyone down.

YOU are the one running people down for not agreeing with YOU!
Asking why someone bothered to have children if they are going to use full time childcare is so fucking insulting you should be ashamed!

You might want to use childcare but you have no right to judge or insult others for choosing to do something different.

The original post was "to have a child knowing I will have to put the in nursery 4/5 days a week." Well some of us are of the opinion that a child needs a parent to DEDICATE at least the first year solely on the baby then part time at work after that

And you are entitled to have that opinion and make choices to facilitate that. But you don't have the right to insult others for choosing a different path. You don't know what others are dealing with or what their circumstances are.
Part time or career break just isn't possible for me and my job. Should I have not had a child?

However if 12 hours a day in child care is the option some want to go for and think that the child is going to have well rounded relationships and a happy full life go for it

Firstly, who is talking about 12 hours? Most childcare providers don't even open that long so you're talking bullshit there. And secondly, where is the evidence that using full time childcare is going to prevent a child having well rounded relationships and a happy full life? I am very familiar with the research in this area due to my job and there isn't any evidence that states using high quality childcare causes issues in the future. Any research that does show a detrimental effect is referring to poor quality childcare and the fact that there are often other factors at play at home.

Do you know what does have a HUGE detrimental impact on a child's future? Poverty. THAT is the biggest determining factor for future outcomes alongside parental education and occupation.

It may have been considered cruel in another era, but I would say it is relatively normal these days. My DD was in 4 days until age 3 and now 5 days. She loves it there and equally loves the time spent with us at weekend.
I myself went to nursery 5 days a week from 6 months old. I have positive memories of my childhood and am extremely close to my Mum.

*you might not want to use childcare

As soon as anyone uses the term "Sheep" or "Sheeple" in an argument they've lost me...it's on a par with "Karen" - just an easy generalisation and put-down.

Of course yanbu this is exactly what most working people do.

I think it's nice if you & partner are able to play around with your hours a little to work in some shorter hours or a day week off, but of course this isnt possible in many jobs and the bills need paid. Your child needs a roof over their head, food to eat and those things have to be paid for, working is the only option for many.

I know loads of families do this but I'm not sure why? Why do you want a child?

@Joystir59

I know loads of families do this but I'm not sure why? Why do you want a child?

Have you really no idea why parents may need to use a nursery/childminders/ nanny? Really?

Is it cruel to have a child knowing their father will likely spend much of the week away from them, at work?

No? So it’s not cruel for mothers to do it either.

@Joystir59 - I’m assuming you’re joking!

@Joystir59

I know loads of families do this but I'm not sure why? Why do you want a child?

Do you really not know why people use childcare?

Do you not think it's really insulting to ask someone why they want a child if they are going to use childcare?

I know loads of families do this but I'm not sure why?

Because a family requires a home, food, elec/gas/water bills, clothes etc...

These things cost money, and where else does a normal family get money if not from work?

Generally speaking, short of abuse etc, poverty is the worst thing for a child in terms of long term impact. Working is the best way to prevent poverty.

Does that clear things up for you?

YANBU, so long as it's a decent nursery

However - you can't always control everything and plan like this. You might have a child with special needs, conceive twins, get shafted by your employer on mat leave, get made redundant, have PND and not be ready to go back full time, simply lose your mind a bit...

Having minimal leave and working FT is the norm in places like the US, but it's not easy. Housework takes up way more of your time post-children so it would be a struggle to have two FT working parents and no help with things like cleaning.

If you have to, you'll muddle through as best you can but you can't plan things 100%. I'm guessing you've already thought about ways to reduce outgoings by moving etc?

The other thing is - are family finances about basic things like mortgage and utilities?

Having kids will wallop your lifestyle so most of what you now spend on going out, hobbies, buying clothes, holidays etc will be cut quite radically. Unless you're already living on a shoestring.

My DS has always went 3 days to nursery and 1 day per week to each grandparent. I can't see a problem with it. I have a cleaner and get groceries delivered so the wends are ours for the three of us to do as we please. We go swimming, days out, tea and cake, long walks. Hopefully start up foreign holidays again now pandemic is over.
I hope his childhood is better than mine with a SAHM who had zero patience and rarely brought us anywhere. I would've preferred to have been in childcare.
Obviously there's a massive difference between my Mum and a SAHM who is able and willing to provide their child with a range of experiences and socialising. I do think DS has benefited from spending time with various other children and adults. His social skills are excellent and have been commented on by his pre schools teacher. I felt so guilty during the pandemic when he was stuck at home with just us.

I love it when people say 'why even bother having a child if you're going to put them in nursery?', as if people who work full-time continue to just lead child-free lives after having children, no change at all. My life changed hugely radically and completely when I had my first child and he became the single biggest focal point of it. That remained true when I went back to work full-time, was still true when I dropped a day at work, was still true when I didn't work for 10 months of maternity leave after having his brother (though obviously now he is an equal focal point!). I'm now back to work four days a week and I still feel like being a parent is my biggest, toughest and most absorbing job - I certainly don't feel that I do so little of it that I barely notice I have children at all, as those comments seem to suggest!

Same, @HardbackWriter

And I do find it a really odd thing to say anyway as it seems to suggest that having a baby / toddler is all people want. I had a baby not to have a baby but to have a family, and I adored my son as a baby and I adore him as a toddler.

I’m sure I’ll adore him when he’s a teenager too!

SAH is a mug’s game, for all involved.

It’s not a foregone conclusion but often, by the time the child gets to school, they’re clingy, stressed-out and socially immature compared to their peers. They pick up every bug going and lose educational time while sick. They develop out-dated and sexist ideas about gender roles (having a career is only for men).

The mother (and it is overwhelmingly the mother), unless married to someone very rich (so almost nobody), damages their career prospects, pension, financial security & independence, becoming beholden to a man to keep her. This often causes power imbalances in relationships.

The Dad gets the easiest time of it, but he still shoulders the burden of being the only earner, which is a precarious situation for most (unless independently wealthy, and again that’s almost nobody).

Society loses out as SAHPs are economically inactive - they don’t contribute to general taxation and their skills in the workforce and communities are lost.

I’ve no doubt a select few people make it work whilst avoiding any of this, but they’re few and far between.

Honestly, pre DC I thought the same as you, but my DD LOVES nursery, she gets so much more stimulation, learning, social engagement than she would with me all day.
It also gives me a chance to work, feel like myself rather than just a mum, and I cannot wait for pick up and spending my evenings and weekends with her. We are then more or less rested for fun family quality time at a weekend, and by earning a salary it will afford us more opportunities.
Could there be some flexibility with the nursery hours? I start work later so I do drop off at 9 and my husband finishes work at 4 so she's picked up by 5 - this way its not such a log day for her.

@Darkstar4855

Mine went from 10m and loves it. Misses it terribly when they shut for two weeks at Christmas. I make sure I do lots of fun stuff on the days he is home and I always tuck him in to bed at night, give him lots of cuddles and time to chat about his day etc.

Do you not think you is a sad indictment that your child actually misses nursery but not you? That you need to chat about his day because you're living such separate lives at such a young age? Eh ho, least parents like this get to tuck them in at night.

Do you not think you is a sad indictment that your child actually misses nursery but not you?

I've always though it was great that my child loved nursery and now loves school. It doesn't mean he doesn't love or miss me and his dad when we're not there. My aim as a parent was always to raise a child that was confident and independent as they will get so much more out of life.

That you need to chat about his day because you're living such separate lives at such a young age?

But this is brilliant! I love hearing about the things he gets up to when I'm not there. It makes me proud and still amazes me that he's developing his own little life. It's not sad at all. It wonderful.
We also don't live separate lives. We just don't spend all day together.

Do you live a separate life from your partner because they go out to work and do things without you?

Eh ho, least parents like this get to tuck them in at night.

Because of course that's all we do. We don't do any other aspect of parenting at all. ......don't be so bloody ridiculous.

@Aaaabbbcccc

Honestly there are really a lot of dim people on here who want to justify giving up their lives to SAH. Whatever makes you feel better, ladies.

And there seem to be quite a few who are clearly pretending that it doesn't bother them when their rude and overly-defensive comments give exactly the opposite impression.

Fortunately it looks like most people here seem to be able to discuss their differing opinions reasonably while being happy with the choices they have made and not overly judgemental about the ones others have taken.