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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a child knowing they’ll spend 4 or 5 days in nursery?

383 replies

mvmvmvmv · 01/02/2022 19:58

AIBU to have a child knowing they’d likely be in nursery 4 days a week after my maternity, and likely going to 5 days a week by age 3? Is it unreasonable to have a child knowing they will need to spend so much time in nursery? Is it cruel?

We have zero family nearby, and family finances mean we both pretty much need to work full time (one of us could drop to 4 days for a year).

I don’t want to use a nanny or au pair as I’d want my child to have social interaction with other kids. There are v few childminders near us so unlikely to be an option. The local nursery is very good tho.

OP posts:
SpaghettiArmsMurderer · 02/02/2022 12:00

Sounds completely normal to me. And probably better for the child than what my parents did with me, which was a combination of nursery, childminders and relatives - being in the same place every day probably gives more stability/routine.

ChoiceMummy · 02/02/2022 12:18

@MadameHeisenberg

SAH is a mug’s game, for all involved.

It’s not a foregone conclusion but often, by the time the child gets to school, they’re clingy, stressed-out and socially immature compared to their peers. They pick up every bug going and lose educational time while sick. They develop out-dated and sexist ideas about gender roles (having a career is only for men).

The mother (and it is overwhelmingly the mother), unless married to someone very rich (so almost nobody), damages their career prospects, pension, financial security & independence, becoming beholden to a man to keep her. This often causes power imbalances in relationships.

The Dad gets the easiest time of it, but he still shoulders the burden of being the only earner, which is a precarious situation for most (unless independently wealthy, and again that’s almost nobody).

Society loses out as SAHPs are economically inactive - they don’t contribute to general taxation and their skills in the workforce and communities are lost.

I’ve no doubt a select few people make it work whilst avoiding any of this, but they’re few and far between.

When Ofsted Inspect Children’s Centres, they will be assessing how well the Centre delivers the core purpose, as this will give a clear indication as to the success of centres in improving outcomes for children and their families. Universal Services 1. High quality, inclusive, early learning and childcare

So you think that it's better for a young baby to have to experience all of the above when they cannot verbalise and rationalise any of this do you, when they're effectively palmed off on to the cheapest childcare provider? I'd rather have a 4 or 5 yo adhusting to school than a 6 month old adjusting to losing their mother predominantly and no understanding why nor any concept that they'll even return for them!

Being a sahp doesn't have to mean the child doesn't attend groups and mix with other children Socially. Doesn't mean that they don't attend any nursery at all. It's about better balance in a time lier fashion that is focussed on the children's best interests.

Noone can say that under the age of 2 or 3, there is any gain from being away from their parents that isn't achieved after that age point.

As for gender stereotypes, that's more an individual family issue.

As is those who say that they work ft with a baby in ft childcare so the baby understands a work ethic. Absolute rubbish. I was a sahp, my child went to school, I returned to work and hey presto my child fully understands work ethics!

MadameHeisenberg · 02/02/2022 12:21

I was a sahp 🤣🤣 Yep, no doubt.

SpinsForGin · 02/02/2022 12:25

Noone can say that under the age of 2 or 3, there is any gain from being away from their parents that isn't achieved after that age point.

This it true but it's also not detrimental for a child under the age of 2 to be in childcare provided that it is high quality childcare. While it might not be hugely beneficial for a young child to be in childcare it certainly isn't damaging...which is what some people are suggesting.

However, what is beneficial for a child is not living in poverty and having happy parents. Therefore, if this means parents going out to work and putting their young child in childcare it WILL be beneficial for the child overall.

Parents make decisions which are best for their family unit. For some, that involves one parent staying at home and for others it involves going out to work. Both are valid choices and we shouldn't be vilifying people ( although it's always aimed at women!) for making different choices to ones we have made.

Poppy709 · 02/02/2022 12:26

I am so shocked at how rude some people are being about women going to work.
Actually, being happy to leave their main caregiver is a sign of secure attachment, so a child missing nursery is fine!!

And I don’t even know what to say about this…

However if 12 hours a day in child care is the option some want to go for and think that the child is going to have well rounded relationships and a happy full life go for it

Attachment is my professional specialism (in the job I enjoy and wanted to return to) suggesting that going to nursery is going to prevent a child having positive relationships is nonsense.
I went back 3 days a week when my son was 9 months, and I consider myself immensely privileged to be part time. I’m going back full time when he is 2, and he will do 3 days a week in nursery and 2 with grandparents. We need the money, like others have said, one thing that will really screw a child over is poverty. The important thing is to make sure that the time you are with your child is quality time OP. I’m honestly so shocked with the people suggesting people who work full time shouldn’t have children, I love my job and I’m good at it. I’m a better mum because I work, I couldn’t be a SAHM.

SpinsForGin · 02/02/2022 12:27

when they're effectively palmed off on to the cheapest childcare provider?

I can safely say there was nothing cheap about the nursery we used! It was more than our mortgage! But 100% worth it ...they were amazing.

Joystir59 · 02/02/2022 12:34

@OfstedOffred

I know loads of families do this but I'm not sure why?

Because a family requires a home, food, elec/gas/water bills, clothes etc...

These things cost money, and where else does a normal family get money if not from work?

Generally speaking, short of abuse etc, poverty is the worst thing for a child in terms of long term impact. Working is the best way to prevent poverty.

Does that clear things up for you?

I meant I'm not sure why so many people opt for having children when it means such a financial stretch that the child spends most of their week in childcare. Having children is a choice
SpinsForGin · 02/02/2022 12:42

I meant I'm not sure why so many people opt for having children when it means such a financial stretch that the child spends most of their week in childcare. Having children is a choice

What if your financial situation changes?
What about people who want to work? Are they not allowed children?

PinkPlantCase · 02/02/2022 12:43

I meant I'm not sure why so many people opt for having children when it means such a financial stretch that the child spends most of their week in childcare. Having children is a choice

What bollocks, because only well off people should have children?

Yebbie · 02/02/2022 12:49

My toddler goes 3 days but the other 2 he makes me feel very special by getting upset that he has to spend them with me and not go to nursery Grin

Yebbie · 02/02/2022 12:51

He has learnt absolutely loads from nursery, too. Tonnes. He's surprises us constantly by knowing things that we just look at each other like, we didn't teach you that. He talks about his little mates and key worker all the time. Nothing but positive.

Chilesstanton · 02/02/2022 12:56
Confused
Bortles · 02/02/2022 13:00

If I could afford it, Id prefer a nanny or au pair because then you get to know and observe the person and choose one who is kind and will work to your values and way of doing things. When a child is non verbal, nursery wouldnt be an option for me.

animalprintfree · 02/02/2022 13:03

I understand your concerns OP, but this has become the accepted norm. Not great for the children in my opinion…

WhoIsBernieBrown · 02/02/2022 13:16

It's not cruel. Nurseries aren't soviet prisons. My little one loves hers and does way, way more there than I could ever facilitate.

But it is hard, and expensive. I wish I could work less to spend more time with her and I battle with that daily, especially because I don't particularly love the job I do. I think it's often harder on the parents than the children.

I also think that there are a LOT of opinions on here and it's probably best not to cast opinions on nurseries if you've not visited one in the last few years. One bad experience as told by your mate Debbie does not mean all nurseries are run by young, badly paid people who don't give a toss about the wellbeing of your kid.

hangrylady · 02/02/2022 13:17

"Yes what I think and feel is my choice isn't Mumsnet a forum to share opinions but hell if you have an opinion that differs the sheep fuck me so many people think they have the right to run everyone down. The original post was "to have a child knowing I will have to put the in nursery 4/5 days a week." Well some of us are of the opinion that a child needs a parent to DEDICATE at least the first year solely on the baby then part time at work after that. However if 12 hours a day in child care is the option some want to go for and think that the child is going to have well rounded relationships and a happy full life go for it"

Your opinion stinks. I remember talking to a 'friend' with such an attitude just before I went back to work full time when my DD was a baby. I came away in tears. The thing is, it was all very well for her as she is married to a rich bloke and didn't have to work, I did. My daughter is 11 now. She's clever, confident and popular and we are extremely close so her 'opinion' turned out to be bollocks anyway, as is yours. Everyone on this site goes on about how awful men are but women like you are worse, trying to make other women feel like shit and yourself feel superior because you are in a fortunate position. 11 years ago I would have been upset by your comments and no doubt you have upset others on this thread with younger children, who have to leave them in nursery. You Suck.

SpinsForGin · 02/02/2022 13:17

then you get to know and observe the person and choose one who is kind and will work to your values and way of doing things. When a child is non verbal, nursery wouldnt be an option for me.

You can do this at a nursery too. Also, in a nursery there are other people around at all times which always felt safer to me.
Although I totally get why some people choose a nanny or childminder I'm not entirely convinced on it being safer for the child.

MadameHeisenberg · 02/02/2022 13:27

To everyone defending this; why are you fine with men having children and careers? Why is it ok for men, but not women?

Honestly who needs the patriarchy working against us when we’ve got plenty of female feminist traitors ready to stab the rest of us the back? The sooner their backwards misogynistic ideas die out (with them), the better.

WhoIsBernieBrown · 02/02/2022 13:27

As a PP has said, being a SAHM is a privilege that so many can't afford.

Imagine having that privilege and then telling everyone who can't afford to stay at home that they are shit mothers and their children will grow up unable to have fulfilling relationships. Christ!

chunkyBUTTsdonotlie · 02/02/2022 13:28

A childminder is a lot cheaper than a nursery. Depends were you live but nursery can be £65-£90 per day. Of course they mostly discount the day rate if you do full time.

Personally I do think it's sad, but it's very common, certainly around here in commuter belt SE. But then it's only a few years they are little for before school you may find you can do part time or cut back a lot of things you won't even miss.

MadameHeisenberg · 02/02/2022 13:28

Being a SAHM absolutely isn’t a privilege. It’s a gilded cage at best.

SarahBasil · 02/02/2022 13:28

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say that for small children (say, under 3) full-time nursery is not ideal. I know kids who go 10 to 12 hours a day from 3 months, 5 days a week, 48 weeks a year. Imo that is not what babies need. Both mothers and fathers (and particularly fathers, who seem to think about this stuff less) should consider consistent childcarer options, part-time working or career breaks. Sending them 2 or 3 days a week is quite different to FT.

I work more than is probably ideal for my kids, but we don’t gain anything by being defensive about it. We should be advocating for a child-centred economy.

I also think it’s true that a lot of people have kids because they feel they should. Nothing wrong with saying your career is your priority and kids don’t fit into that.

Parker231 · 02/02/2022 13:40

@SarahBasil - for our DT’s full time nursery from under age 3 was ideal. We’re a trilingual family where we speak French and Flemish at home. Nursery meant they learnt English. It also provided a lovely environment for them to flourish whilst we worked.

SpinsForGin · 02/02/2022 13:45

But then it's only a few years they are little for before school you may find you can do part time or cut back a lot of things you won't even miss.

I find this really patronising. Not everyone can go part time either their job doesn't allow it or they can't afford to. And as for 'cutting back' there's an assumption there that people are working for luxuries when that often is not the case.

chunkyBUTTsdonotlie · 02/02/2022 13:46

@MadameHeisenberg

To everyone defending this; why are you fine with men having children and careers? Why is it ok for men, but not women?

Honestly who needs the patriarchy working against us when we’ve got plenty of female feminist traitors ready to stab the rest of us the back? The sooner their backwards misogynistic ideas die out (with them), the better.

Well it can be a man looking after a baby, but a man doesn't need to recover from birth and he certainly can't breastfeed.