Overwhelmed by the amount of alcohol that DH keeps buying

[BlondeDogLady]

Please someone talk me down.

My DH keeps buying spirits, because he thinks they could be collectors items in the future, or simply because he thinks the bottle looks cool or quirky.

We do not drink spirits There are maybe a few times in the summer, where he might make us a cocktail, which would require using spirits, but that's literally it.

If we are drinking, it's white wine we would always have.

I have a lovely old cabinet that was my Nan's. This is now so full of bottles, that one of the shelves has cracked with the weight. Then when the cabinet was full, the collection started being put on the floor, growing slowly outwards on the carpet, or it got put in the window seat (hollow underneath).

I have just tried to tidy them up a bit, and felt utterly overwhelmed by all of this drink that we will never consume - I counted 104 bottles !
They are a combination of unopened, or mostly he has opened the bottle to try, so it's almost full, but certainly couldn't be gifted to someone in that state.

I know this is a first world problem, but I feel so absolutely overwhelmed by this amount of stupid and pointless consumerism, not to mention the clutter it's creating.

He does not have hoards of cash by any means either. So spending this much of stuff we don't drink seems stupid!

He does the same with CD's - buys at least 2 every week, so we now have thousands. They look okay as we have a lot of shelving.

What would you suggest? It's making me feel sick.

I see your finances are separate, this is just a word of warning.

An old family friends husband died very suddenly from a heart attack, she knew he had bit of a shopping habit. But they had separate finances so she had no idea what he’d been spending.

His thing was CD’s and leather coats. He had hundreds of CD’s and 30 or so leather coats. She didn’t know he’d been spending on average £800 a coat, some still had the labels on!

When she went through contacting banks etc to say he’d died, she discovered he was 35k in credit card debit and she’d had no idea. Thankfully because none of the cards were in her name it just got written off, but this was 20 years ago. I don’t know if that would still be the case?

So this is basically a round about way of saying find out what he’s spending and is he spending money he doesn’t have?

Buying random bottles of spirits from the local wine shop or Sainsbury's is NOT an investment. There may well be some well regarded, limited distillation bottles that might increase in value over time, but to be honest, I'd expect those to be at the high end right now. In most cases, they will NOT increase in value. It would probably take 10 minutes of online research to figure this out and get proper sources for this information - perhaps do that and send to him?

And yes, all the opened ones are ridiculous. If you don't want to throw a party at your house, get into the habit of taking cocktails to any party/picnic/bbq you go to from now in?

Definitely move all the bottles into his room now. He needs the shock of seeing it all together & the inconvenience of it being in his way.
As for the coats, I'd start giving duplicates to charity as with that many I doubt he even knows what he has & miss it.

Without giving away personal info, would you say he has past trauma? That can be a precursor to OCD/hoarding.

You won't fix this by complaining at him. All he'll do is go further into his hoard and surround himself by more "stuff". Putting everything into one room won't help either - as soon as the room is full, it'll just start spilling out into the house again.

Hoarding on this scale is a MH issue and not something you can fix - it's often a permanent way of thinking and requires proper counselling.

Personally, I'd be thinking about whether I want to live with someone like this. He'll get worse once he's retired and has no job to occupy himself, and what's to stop him spending you both into a mountain of debt?

The problem with an open bottle is that once open you cannot in any way guarantee what is in the bottle. It could have been contaminated, replaced with something cheaper etc etc. You couldn't sell it or even give it away. The only thing he can do with it is drink it, himself, or offer to guests.

If he wants to drink it, then he should drink it soon after opening. If he wants to keep it as an investment, then leave unopened. Buying more bottles when he has many open ones already is just an absolute waste, especially as he doesn't really drink them anyway!

@tulips27

Without giving away personal info, would you say he has past trauma? That can be a precursor to OCD/hoarding.

Not really. Not any more than the usual stuff that 70's kids went through that children today wouldn't, iyswim, like proper smacking etc

This isn’t harmless and to say it is belittles OP’s response. As PP have said he is a hoarder, OP. He won’t get better and he will very likely get worse.

Oh & I believe the taste of spirits begins to change as soon as they're opened - they start to oxidise. So a single malt bought specifically for flavour notes of eg. peat and seaweed really has to be drunk within 6 months or so. Else the flavour it is prized for is dramatically altered. Might help if he's been buying whisky!

This sounds very much like hoarding to me. Hoarding can start as a collection that is getting out of control. To me, a sign of this is that he is buying things not because he necessarily likes them but because they “might be worth something one day.” A true collection is displayed in an ordered fashion. My husband is a hoarder and the only way l can deal with it is to set firm boundaries. He is allowed his side of the bedroom and his office only. Everywhere else is tidy. This is particularly important in areas where visitors are likely to be. My health and sanity are as important as his. It can start in a seemingly small way like this and gradually take over. In your position l would reclaim your grandmother’s cabinet to display the items you want to display and take out all but three or four bottles. These can be taken elsewhere - a shed, a loft, a spare room that can be used by your husband. You will probably have to do this yourself but it will be worth it.

It's a mental illness . If he doesn't want to address it properly ie GP , counselling etc it isn't just going to go away . It's a compulsion .

So you've been together 13 years and he has collected 104 bottles. If he's been collecting steadily, that's fewer than one a month. And if he has tried some of them, then he is using them. Better to sample them than to drink the whole bottle! Plenty of people have a wine cellar, drinks cupboard etc. Maybe that's the sort of thing he wants. It doesn't make a huge amount of sense, as if he wants fancy he might be better off getting fewer, more expensive ones. But £20-50 a month on a hobby isn't unheard of. A night out at a restaurant could cost that much.

Unless this is part of a really big issue to do with hoarding, I'd just look at a better way of storing the bottles so your cabinet doesn't get broken.

So what are you going to do about it?

you say if you poured them away/got rid of them in some way he would not be happy. But you are not happy - why does his happiness trump yours?
First thing I would do is take all of them out of your nan's cabinet - that has value for you and he is ruining it with his obsession. Put them all in his room and tell him he's not keeping them in your cabinet.
Then I would tell him that fore very new one he buys he has to sell five old ones before the new one comes in the house.
If he tries to impose all this rubbish on your shared accomodation I would keep taking it all and shoving it in his room. make it very clear that his hoarding can only impact him and you will not have it cluttering up your life.

Its really hard to stop hoarders. My older sister is one. She used to store all her crap in my parents house (like every item of clothing her five children had ever worn, all their school books, old broken microwaves, all their old toys they had all grown out of, old clothing and shoes belonging to her ex husband etc etc - the list was endless) My parents were in their late eighties they kept falling over stuff, they couldn't move - her house on the other hand was pristine - it was hoarding by proxy. I used to go down to my parents and take boxfulls of her shit to the tip, then try to make the house safe for my parents. Then I'd get a load of abusive phone calls from her and by the next time I got down to my parents it was all full of more junk.
They make life an absolute nightmare for anyone who has to live with this.
Would he be prepared to get any therapy to deal with it ?

@orinocosfavoritecake

I dunno. It’s eccentric, but seems pretty harmless.

Not really. How much money is is costing?

Thousands of CDs can't be listened to and in today's market are pretty worthless.
Same with the drink.

I think @BlondeDogLad DH is a hoarder and I think it's a big problem

Haven't read all the posts, but personally I'd reclaim the cabinet with something that has sentimental value to you and box all the booze up that that goes his room that you don't go into.
Then he can keep them as unopened/opened as he pleases.

@orinocosfavoritecake

I dunno. It’s eccentric, but seems pretty harmless.

But it's not harmless to OP is it?

It's broken a sentimental heirloom, is causing a distressing amount of clutter, & is costing money she feels her family needs elsewhere.

That's 3 harms.
Before you add in "not listening to or negotiating compromise with his wife".

I think that I have a form of OCD in the other direction, as I feel really unhappy when rooms are a mess and things are out of place.

Stop with the self-blame.
It's reasonable to enjoy tidiness & order. That's not OCD, it's on the 'normal' scale of any spectrum.
You are not making anyone else distressed with it, are you? - ok then, so it's 'normal', whatever normal means

Would these bottles fit into his man cave own room that you mentioned? - or would he just refuse to do that too?

Can’t you (empty) and then smash a few bottles and tell him the shelf collapsed and he needs to pay to get it fixed! 🙈

My hubby is a hoarder with film memorabilia so I feel your pain! When we were moving house I accidentally (on purpose) broke (and binned ) a few items that were worthless and I blamed him for the packing! He’s was upset at first but as I kept blaming him he’s got over it! I don’t think he has OCD he just loves collecting useless shit that’s related to movies! Think posters, books, figures, replica armour etc oh and 3 different dvd versions of the same film as well as streamed versions too!

Serious collectors would only be interested in unopened bottles, and only then if they are particularly unusual or scarce, so all the opened ones are essentially ruined as collectable items. They are worth only what someone might pay for an empty bottle as an ornament. Peanuts basically.

This is an obsession that has crossed the line into a serious hoarding addiction if you ask me.

How about separating the unopened bottles from the opened ones? You could keep the unopened ones in the display cabinet once the shelf is fixed, and shove the rest in his spare room.

Sorry OP seen all your updates now.

yeah - man cave them.
For all the reasons you yourself mentioned.
He wants to keep them - HE can be the one falling over them in his 10 x 10 junk room.

Been thinking more about this. 42 coats.

He clearly has issues controlling impulse control., spending etc

You need to try and get him to understand that it's not normal

Can't get over FORTY TWO COATS.

He has a problem.

Can you start with - thirty coats and all the unopened spirits into a storage facility somewhere? If he doesn't access in in twelve months, then they are sold. But at least they will be out of the house.

And then a 'one in, one out' rule.

An open bottle of whiskey is never going to be a collector's item.

He just has a compulsion to buy things! This is what he’s channeling it into currently but he needs to want to deal with the problem not the symptom