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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have shouted at MIL for being racist?

189 replies

Eurydice84 · 01/02/2022 09:40

MIL has many annoying habits. One of them (which has been going on for a while) is that she mocks Italian accent and gestures (I am Italian). This could be funny from a friend once in a while, but the way she does it - when talking to DD, whom I am raising bilingual, and in a sneaky way - really upsets me. DH told her more than once that I hate it and she should stop.

Anyway yesterday she was doing it a lot. At first I made some subtle comments it should stop, then DH had a word, but it carried on so I lost it and shouted at her. I said it is disrespectful, borderline racist and if she carries on she is not welcome in my house anymore. She then left without having dinner, after DH also said she was out of order.

I feel I was wrong at shouting, but I felt really violated and needed to stand up for myself. I went through all the alternative options first (DH having a word, etc).

Now it's an incredibly awkward situation as she lives quite close and I am dreading having to see this woman again. She looks after DD once a week.... not sure I can cope with it anymore!

OP posts:
thisplaceisweird · 01/02/2022 09:41

Good for you OP!!!!

thisplaceisweird · 01/02/2022 09:43

I think you did everything right. You asked her, her son asked her and she carried on. It's bullying.

The only next step is for her to apologise to you and mean it.

MonkeyPuddle · 01/02/2022 09:44

Racist bullies deserve being shouted at. Enforce your boundaries.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/02/2022 09:46

Who does she think she is?
Wouldn’t give it another thought, until she apologises.

blyn72 · 01/02/2022 09:46

You were right! Mother in law was being ridiculous and quite wrong though I am prepared to accept she actually meant no harm. These things wear a bit thin after a while, you've put up with it long enough.

It might be helpful if someone close to you, other than your husband, has a word with her and explains it all to her thoroughly. However we hope she will stop after yesterday's happenings.

It took a lot of guts to shout at her, she won't die from it.

magicstars · 01/02/2022 09:47

Well done for standing up against it. Mocking of any sort is horrid especially if you've already told her to stop.
I guess it depends on how you 'shouted' at her. If you really blew your top & swore at her etc (I appreciate you haven't said you swore). Then you might be UR especially in front of DC.
However my gut instinct is that you most likely did the right thing & hopefully she will learn From this.

TheRemotePart · 01/02/2022 09:48

No, you’ve asked her and she’s kept it up.
Partner needs to get her told.
I wouldn’t like someone constantly mimicking me , let alone my accent- who would?
Don’t YOY apologise - it’ll make it look like you’ve overreacted ( you haven’t)
Just be civil and offer a tea the next time she’s around -she maynt apologise but she’ll probably stop doing it.

MarineBlue33 · 01/02/2022 09:48

Of course YANBU.
Can't see how anyone voted that YABU.

She needs to say sorry before you allow to look after your dd again.

You need to put proper boundaries in place in that relationship.

KedgeIsland · 01/02/2022 09:48

Well, you were pushed beyond your normal polite strategies — and I sympathise because throughout my years living in England I had the occasional person, usually older men, who thought imitating my Irish accent was hilarious — but you seem to feel more apologetic than is necessary. Is this because you and your DH need her for childcare once a week? Have DH liaise if and when necessary, if so.

Butchyrestingface · 01/02/2022 09:49

Well, you were right (obviously).

However,

She looks after DD once a week.... not sure I can cope with it anymore!

Are you confident she'll even want to continue?

Hoppinggreen · 01/02/2022 09:50

You were right to stand up to her but shouting weakens your position somewhat.
The problem with losing your temper (and I understand why you did) is that it makes her more able to claim victim status
I find coldly menacing works better !!

silverbubbles · 01/02/2022 09:50

Well done. You should have done it months ago.

Fairyliz · 01/02/2022 09:51

@MarineBlue33

Of course YANBU. Can't see how anyone voted that YABU.

She needs to say sorry before you allow to look after your dd again.

You need to put proper boundaries in place in that relationship.

The problem is the op probably needs her to look after her DD once a week whilst op is at work. This could prove tricky if op doesn’t have alternative childcare.
Topseyt · 01/02/2022 09:52

You've done nothing wrong. She richly deserved this. Don't apologise.

You might need to consider alternative childcare for DD. She shouldn't come under the influence of her grandmother's racist ways.

Chely · 01/02/2022 09:53

I wouldn't allow her to look after my DC if she did such things after repeated requests not to. She owes you an apology.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/02/2022 09:53

Your DD is half Italian, no wsy should she be looking after your child one day a week. WTF would that do to her self esteem?

notthemum · 01/02/2022 09:53

You definitely did not overreact. MIL is being a bully. Glad that DH is with you on this. She needs to apologise, more importantly she needs to stop.
Unfortunately you may need to source alternative childcare, but hopefully this will mean that she will learn to behave properly.

Please do not apologise. You have done nothing wrong. 💐

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/02/2022 09:54

Butchyrestingface

Well, you were right (obviously).

However,

She looks after DD once a week.... not sure I can cope with it anymore!

Are you confident she'll even want to continue“

I wouldn’t want her too. Disrespect isn’t a good lesson for a child.

WitchWithoutChips · 01/02/2022 09:55

YANBU. Find a way to end the childcare arrangement. You don't have to put up with this sort of behaviour when you pay for your childcare.

Heronwatcher · 01/02/2022 09:55

No YANBU to shout at her. But yes YABU to send your child to be looked after by someone you think is racist and don’t seem to like. I don’t think you can have it both ways really.

TheChip · 01/02/2022 09:55

Yanbu. I would try and not be concerned about how awkward the next visit might be, and just be confident in how you've handled things.

She should be the one feeling awkward, especially if she went home and sat and thought of all the times you have both tried to politely ask her to stop.

Crayfishforyou · 01/02/2022 09:56

You do not need to apologise.
On a much lesser scale I have had this with my mil. I have an accent and she has spent 20 years low level mocking it. My dd came back from her house and her accent had changed from being like mine, to being like MIL. MIL was very triumphant for ages after that.
I wish I’d gone nuclear before all of it.
I

Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2022 09:57

Not a chance in hell I would let this nasty bitch provide childcare. Not happening.

Thirtytimesround · 01/02/2022 09:57

I came on the thrad to say you can’t shout at MIL - but then I read what she did! Forget that, well done OP good for you.

2022success · 01/02/2022 09:59

You need to find alternate childcare for DD. You really cannot expose her to this racist.