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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have shouted at MIL for being racist?

189 replies

Eurydice84 · 01/02/2022 09:40

MIL has many annoying habits. One of them (which has been going on for a while) is that she mocks Italian accent and gestures (I am Italian). This could be funny from a friend once in a while, but the way she does it - when talking to DD, whom I am raising bilingual, and in a sneaky way - really upsets me. DH told her more than once that I hate it and she should stop.

Anyway yesterday she was doing it a lot. At first I made some subtle comments it should stop, then DH had a word, but it carried on so I lost it and shouted at her. I said it is disrespectful, borderline racist and if she carries on she is not welcome in my house anymore. She then left without having dinner, after DH also said she was out of order.

I feel I was wrong at shouting, but I felt really violated and needed to stand up for myself. I went through all the alternative options first (DH having a word, etc).

Now it's an incredibly awkward situation as she lives quite close and I am dreading having to see this woman again. She looks after DD once a week.... not sure I can cope with it anymore!

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 01/02/2022 10:00

You were absolutely right to shout at her. Now leave her to it, until she comes to you with an apology.

DH told her more than once that I hate it and she should stop

This would piss me off though. He shouldn't be telling her to stop because it annoys you! He should be telling her to stop because it's wrong.

Knittedfairies · 01/02/2022 10:00

Well done OP. I'm another saying you need to look for alternative childcare; you have no idea what she might be saying to your daughter while she is in sole charge.

Original poster
Eurydice84 · 01/02/2022 10:01

MIL looks after DD once a week in our house and then stays on for dinner. We don't need her for childcare - DD goes to nursery the rest of the time and it wouldn't be a problem for her to go the extra day too - but DH thought it would be nice for MIL to be busy with DD as she lives by herself and feels lonely. When we discussed this arrangement, I did say I wasn't feeling 100% sure as MIL isn't the most reliable or amenable person in the world.

Anyways - just another year and a half before primary school starts, not the end of the world. We can find an alternative solution.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 01/02/2022 10:02

Not surprised she feels lonely!

Hopefully, a lesson has been learned.

DePfeffoff · 01/02/2022 10:05

It sounds like you can't trust her not to carry on with this behaviour when you're not around to pull her up on it. You can't have your child effectively being told that it's laughable to speak another language, let alone her mother's language.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 01/02/2022 10:05

YANBU, but she is xenophobic, not racist.

Original poster
Eurydice84 · 01/02/2022 10:07

@Thatsplentyjack

You were absolutely right to shout at her. Now leave her to it, until she comes to you with an apology.

DH told her more than once that I hate it and she should stop

This would piss me off though. He shouldn't be telling her to stop because it annoys you! He should be telling her to stop because it's wrong.

DH was trying to convince me that I am too prickly about this and it wasn't malicious. As I said, I wouldn't take offense from a friend, in a light-hearted context. But here it is different - persistent, not funny, and just done to annoy me.

Anyways, he did come to see how wrong MIL's behaviour was and apologised for the situation.

OP posts:
DingDongDenny · 01/02/2022 10:09

You should be proud of standing up for yourself and also your daughter. Now don't back down! I would wait for an apology before seeing her again and after that, every time she does it the visit ends

Cam2020 · 01/02/2022 10:09

YANBU. Perhaps now she'll take it seriously? You tried all the polite options first, wish she has chosen to ignore. If there's any discomfort it's of her doing - she certainly didn't give two shits about your feelings, in fact she actively disregarded them!

missverstaendnis · 01/02/2022 10:10

This gives me the rage, having been witness to my Ex 'D'H doing the exact same thing to our DD's close friend's mum as well as being at the receiving end of it myself.

I've lost my rag a few times for having my accent mocked by 'friends.
DD and me are deeply embarrassed by her dad's behavior towards her friend/ friend's mum. He thinks he is being 'friendly' by doing that accent thing. How anyone can seriously think that is beyond me.

DeadSouth · 01/02/2022 10:10

YADNBU she shouldn’t mock like this after repeatedly being asked to stop and definitely not in front of your DD. She’s out of order.

FelicityPike · 01/02/2022 10:11

She’s a xenophobic bully.
You were absolutely quite right, how dare she!

TopsieGreenwood · 01/02/2022 10:12

Yanbu. She'd already been asked to stop it and didn't.

Brainwave89 · 01/02/2022 10:13

I think you demonstrated great patience. She needs to understand that you do not think this is funny. I am Indian married to a white English husband, and I would have gone balistic.

Frannibananni · 01/02/2022 10:14

Honestly I was prepared to say shouting rarely works but she was way out of order and I would have shouted too.

BlondeDogLady · 01/02/2022 10:17

At first I made some subtle comments it should stop, then DH had a word, but it carried on so I lost it and shouted at her. I said it is disrespectful, borderline racist and if she carries on she is not welcome in my house anymore

You've taken it way too far, imo. Some things can't be unsaid and you were pretty brutal.

I love an Italian accent. So do most people - it's seen as one of the sexiest accents on the planet.

Your MIL is lonely. And now she will be even more lonely, and upset to boot. I wouldn't be happy with myself if I had done this.

3scape · 01/02/2022 10:18

Make fun of the plums in her mouth and presumed awful food? Honestly, she sounds awful and deserves to be treated in kind.

Frigginintheriggin · 01/02/2022 10:19

Im impressed at your self restraint!
You are not in the wrong.
Up to you if you accept an apology and what happens going forward.
I too have had my accent mocked. Im never polite about it.

Skeumorph · 01/02/2022 10:19

'Oh no. I would hate for DD to end up feeling the way I do about you MIL, so we both think that limiting the time you have to spend together is for the best. Don't forget, she's half Italian too!'

3scape · 01/02/2022 10:20

And knock the childcare on the head. DD doesn't need her taking the piss if she drops into Italian

namethattunein1 · 01/02/2022 10:21

Fuck her.

She sounds like a horrible person, its her job to come crawling back, not yours.

her loss

Cherrysoup · 01/02/2022 10:21

Be proud of yourself, you totally did the right thing. She should have stopped the first time, in fact should never have started this shit.

doorornottodoor · 01/02/2022 10:23

That’s awful! You were completely right. Leave get your stew and hopefully she’ll apologise. I would stop the childcare too.

Fabellini · 01/02/2022 10:24

@BlondeDogLady

At first I made some subtle comments it should stop, then DH had a word, but it carried on so I lost it and shouted at her. I said it is disrespectful, borderline racist and if she carries on she is not welcome in my house anymore

You've taken it way too far, imo. Some things can't be unsaid and you were pretty brutal.

I love an Italian accent. So do most people - it's seen as one of the sexiest accents on the planet.

Your MIL is lonely. And now she will be even more lonely, and upset to boot. I wouldn't be happy with myself if I had done this.

Oh hell no. Of course people love an Italian accent, when it’s coming from y’know, an actual Italian person. Not when it’s someone mocking them even though they’ve been asked repeatedly to stop. If mil is lonely then that gives her time to reflect on her behaviour and consider that she’s brought her loneliness on herself.
Dguu6u · 01/02/2022 10:24

She’s being awful (and xenophobic, not racist, but just as bad), well done for standing up to her.