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Original poster

Should I tell bf I’m pregnant?

345 replies

TellOrNot1981 · 31/01/2022 20:36

Literally just found out.

For context, been with bf 18 months. Love him to bits, but it’s a LDR with no prospect of that changing anytime soon. I have 2 dc age 17 and 11, he has none and is 6 years younger than me. I’m nearly 41.

This is very unexpected and not brilliant timing for me. A new baby at my age seems a bit absurd, with my kids the age they are, plus I have commitments that would be very hard to do with a baby. My house isn’t big enough either, and I’m in a HA house which I wouldn’t want to give up, the chances of getting anything bigger are zero.

My bf is a catholic and comes from a huge family, he’s also the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met. My gut feeling is that I can’t, for so many reasons, have a baby, so I don’t know what would be gained by telling him. But on the other hand this is a huge secret to keep, if I went ahead and had a termination and never mentioned it.

He’s such a good guy that no doubt he’d be supportive no matter what, but I’m thinking if I don’t keep it then why put him through the anguish of that, especially as he’s never had kids. I know his feelings are pretty ambivalent about having kids or not (more on the side of not) but obviously a hypothetical situation is different to a real one.

OP posts:
Ophicleide · 01/02/2022 18:54

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry.

If you were my daughter (who is an adult), I know I would be saying that a termination is the right decision for you (though I would personally have found it very, very difficult to terminate for any reason), and in the situation you are in, I would not be telling her that he has a right to know. I would be counselling her to do what's right for her and her existing children. In this very difficult situation, your needs and those of your children come ahead of his needs, sad as it is. Part of your need is to find a bit of happiness in this relationship. If you can find this bit of happiness, that in turn enables you to be the best mum to your existing children. Flowers

BellatrixOnABadDay · 01/02/2022 19:05

@Ophicleide that is such a kind, thoughtful post. I agree with every word.

dogsfrogslogs · 01/02/2022 19:09

OP, you said in your op it's a LDR with no prospect of that changing any time soon....what would happen/how would you feel if you do terminate, things change and he settles to be with you, then this information comes to light?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/02/2022 19:12

It’s tricky.

I think you’re absolutely within your rights not to tell him. It is, as pp have said, your medical issue at this point.

On the other hand, it’s as much his responsibility as yours to carry any mental burden. Don’t feel you have to shield him if you could do with support, or if you think you’d find it hard to carry on the relationship without telling him.

billy1966 · 01/02/2022 19:14

@Ophicleide

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry.

If you were my daughter (who is an adult), I know I would be saying that a termination is the right decision for you (though I would personally have found it very, very difficult to terminate for any reason), and in the situation you are in, I would not be telling her that he has a right to know. I would be counselling her to do what's right for her and her existing children. In this very difficult situation, your needs and those of your children come ahead of his needs, sad as it is. Part of your need is to find a bit of happiness in this relationship. If you can find this bit of happiness, that in turn enables you to be the best mum to your existing children. Flowers

I absolutely agree with this and it is also what I too would say to my daughter.

There is nothing to be gained by telling him something he cannot change.

Dealing with the reality of your situation, you have enough to be dealing with.

Your focus needs primarily to be on what is best for you and your children.

Life is short, you have carried your load and continue to do so.

Take your bit of happiness and move on from this.

Flowers
SteakExpectations · 01/02/2022 19:21

Your relationship sounds pretty similar to mine, and I would absolutely tell my bf. I know that he wouldn’t want me to go through the termination by myself and he would be upset if I didn’t tell him. We also communicate mainly by message and that shouldn’t be a barrier to having no the conversation with him.

OnlyAFleshWound · 01/02/2022 19:31

I completely understand your inclination to be honest but would you consider telling him you were pregnant but miscarried? So you could share some of it with him without going into all the decision side of things...

At our age, there's a high chance of miscarriage anyway. I got accidentally pregnant in 2019 and I booked a termination but miscarried before the appointment date came around. So it's not unlikely that would happen.

SGBK4682 · 01/02/2022 19:51

I don't think I could NOT tell him. I couldn't have a secret like that from someone I was so close to, particularly when, without his involvement, the secret wouldn't exist. It is his baby. He has no right to tell you what to do with your body, but he does have a right to know, in my view, given your relationship.

It doesn't sound like a baby is a good idea for you. If he is as lovely as you say, surely he will support your decision, not guilt trip you? If he ever makes the decision that he does want a child, then he will also have to make the decision as to whether he stays with you and forgoes that possibility. That was always on the cards anyway, before you got pregnant.

I'd say tell him, though not by messaging. I'd use the phone. No rush though, it doesn't have to be imminently. Take time to think it through more if you need to.

SGBK4682 · 01/02/2022 19:56

Also I dont think you should worry so much about upsetting him. Things go wrong in life. Adults deal with them. You're having to deal with it, why shouldn't he? You are jointly responsible for the situation.

By the way, I have had a termination, late on, as I didn't find out for several months. My bf of the time supported me through it, but the decision was all my own. It haunted me for a long time, but not because it wasn't the right decision at the time.

concernedalot · 01/02/2022 20:15

Initially I thought no, don't tell him, but now I think you should given how much you are fond of him. He can't force you to go through with the pregnancy and if you are honest with him about how this can't work for you, the risk of having another SEN child etc and the fact that it could negatively impact your existing children then his reaction and support of you would be a good indicator of if he's the man for you or not - and also you won't be feeling guilty for keeping any secrets. Any decent guy would support you on this decision given the circumstances you are in. Either way could be tricky for the relationship, but by speaking the truth, you'll know that you did the best thing. No great relationship is ever based on lies. Good luck with whatever you decide to do

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 01/02/2022 20:50

Oh god. I just told him 😬

OP posts:
CityMumma78 · 01/02/2022 20:58

Bless you… sometimes honesty is the best policy and from what you have said he seems like a good guy. Hopefully now he knows he will give you the love and support you need, even if that is remotely, which will take away the feeling of isolation. Good luck OP x

heldinadream · 01/02/2022 21:22

Hope it's going ok.

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 01/02/2022 21:25

He was so lovely. I’m absolutely bawling now.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 01/02/2022 21:29

He was his usual unflappable self and said not to worry and we’ll get through it. Have a loose plan to meet up half way this weekend to talk it through, the following weekend seems like so far away. And told me he loves me lots. I do feel better for telling him.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 01/02/2022 21:32

Ah god what a relief. You were right - he's a good man. So pleased he said the right things OP.

Now take care of yourself. You must be exhausted and shaken after that. Flowers

BellatrixOnABadDay · 01/02/2022 21:35

Oh what a relief OP, I'm so glad he's been supportive. I really hope you're feeling a bit less anxious now and it's the best outcome that you've got him there for support.

Good luck, and try and get some rest if you possibly can x

WeDoNotActuallySpeakLeprechaun · 01/02/2022 21:40

I was really sympathetic @TellOrNot1981 until I got to the part where his being catholic is a reason not to tell him(which I could get past) but "we don't speak on the phone because he's Irish and hard to understand". Just wow. Wow. I cannot believe I read that. I can't believe you wrote it.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.
Wow.

HikingforScenery · 01/02/2022 21:44

What a difficult situation, OP.
Good luck in deciding Flowers

Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 01/02/2022 21:46

Telling him has opened the floodgates and I’m crying like a baby. It’s hard to know what he’s thinking but when I said it was bad he said it’s more good than bad, and when I said we have options he said let’s not rush into anything, we’ve only just found out. Now I’ve told him and I have this emotional outpouring I think how absurd the idea of not telling him was. Obviously he was put on the spot and hasn’t had any time to digest this so we’ll see how he’s feeling at the weekend.

Thank you so much to everyone who has got me through the last 24 hours x

OP posts:
Original poster
TellOrNot1981 · 01/02/2022 21:50

@WeDoNotActuallySpeakLeprechaun I don’t understand the shock horror? He has a very strong Irish accent and I often have to get him to repeat things several times before I understand him, because I’m not Irish Confused. It wasn’t a racist slur towards Irish people, just stating a fact that phone conversations are really hard work with him because it’s harder to understand what he’s saying when we’re not face to face. But mostly we don’t talk on the phone because he hates talking on the phone.

OP posts:
BellatrixOnABadDay · 01/02/2022 21:51

OP just please be careful that he doesn't try to sway your opinion in anyway, it just concerns me a little that he has said it's 'more good than bad'. It's easy to get caught up in love and emotions but practically, you've detailed on this thread just how difficult things would be for you to add another baby to your family, and that it wouldn't be the best thing for your children.

These are not things that he is likely to be considering and the huge burden of the situation falls on you- please make the decision that is best for you and your children- even if it differs from what he is suggesting.

WeDoNotActuallySpeakLeprechaun · 01/02/2022 21:53

@TellOrNot1981 It reads badly. Between that and the catholic thing. It reads like were a nation of over producing, babbling idiots. That is how I feel as an Irish person about what you wrote. It's not an attack on you, just my perspective.
I'm glad he was supportive and I hope you come to a decision you're both happy with.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 01/02/2022 21:55

Opinion should have read decision really, poor choice of words.

And the let's not rush- I'm not trying to sound horrible towards him but that suggests as though he feels you will come to a decision together when the decision has to be yours alone- and the one that YOU are entirely happy and comfortable with. You are the one for whom the stakes are very high, with two children to consider. And your own health etc.

WeDoNotActuallySpeakLeprechaun · 01/02/2022 21:55

*We're