Should I tell bf I’m pregnant?

[TellOrNot1981]

Literally just found out.

For context, been with bf 18 months. Love him to bits, but it’s a LDR with no prospect of that changing anytime soon. I have 2 dc age 17 and 11, he has none and is 6 years younger than me. I’m nearly 41.

This is very unexpected and not brilliant timing for me. A new baby at my age seems a bit absurd, with my kids the age they are, plus I have commitments that would be very hard to do with a baby. My house isn’t big enough either, and I’m in a HA house which I wouldn’t want to give up, the chances of getting anything bigger are zero.

My bf is a catholic and comes from a huge family, he’s also the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met. My gut feeling is that I can’t, for so many reasons, have a baby, so I don’t know what would be gained by telling him. But on the other hand this is a huge secret to keep, if I went ahead and had a termination and never mentioned it.

He’s such a good guy that no doubt he’d be supportive no matter what, but I’m thinking if I don’t keep it then why put him through the anguish of that, especially as he’s never had kids. I know his feelings are pretty ambivalent about having kids or not (more on the side of not) but obviously a hypothetical situation is different to a real one.

I think it depends on what you have decided. If you have made the decision not to go ahead, then I agree that there is nothing to be gained from telling him. If you are ambivalent, maybe a discussion would help. People will say that the baby is 50% his but we all know that isn't the way it goes down. Good luck either way.

@GabriellaMontez yes our current arrangement works really well. It would be nice if he was a bit closer than 4.5 hours away but my life is so busy that I don’t know how I’d fit a full time partner in! He often has gaps of a few months between contracts so we see quite a lot of each other then, but not so much while he’s working, just the odd weekend here and there. I think younger, impatient me would have wanted things to move on but actually I like it how it is. It sounds like a cliche, and I’ve never felt like this about anyone before, but as soon as I met him I knew I couldn’t not have him in my life, and we’ve both made a huge effort to make things work despite the distance and other challenges.

I disagree that its just a minor medical procedure. I had a medical termination at seven weeks and it had a significant emotional and physical effect on me. I think you should tell him before you do it but go into the conversation determined that you won't allow yourself to be swayed. From what you've written about your situation I think going ahead with the pregnancy would be unwise for everyone involved.

I'm another on the side of "your body, your choice" . Given everything you've said, it seems you have your hands full with your older two and life in general, so I think I'd terminate, and tell him only if, and when, you see fit to do so. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Your body your choice for sure.
But if you want the relationship to survive I think you must tell him.
I hope if you do he proves to be as good a man as you think he is - he might be, which would be a wonderful outcome really. Deciding by yourself and hiding it forever sounds really miserable.

OP, your situation is as it is - and given that this is how it is, I wouldn't tell him. I think you need every little bit of happiness and joy this relationship gives you (looking after children with SN takes its toll). If your boyfriend were envisaging a shared future with you of marriage, becoming a father/stepfather, living together forever etc, then I might think differently. But you both accept and appreciate your relationship because it's not that. So by not telling him, you are just continuing with what works for you both. Heldinadream says that you need to tell him if your relationship is to survive, but I'd say the very opposite: it could be the thing that causes it to fall apart. If everything currently works for you both, and another baby would be the wrong thing for you and your existing children, I would do it and not say a word. Good luck with your decision.

I don't want to derail the conversation but if a woman was saying she wanted to keep the baby, but the father didn't want it, everyone would be telling her, well it is 50% his so he has to step up like it or not

This is an entirely false equivalence though, as the man wouldn't have to carry the child, give birth to the child and would be staggeringly unlikely to be the child's primary carer throughout its life. His only obligatory contribution would be CMS payments which are directly linked to his income.

When the sacrifices men and women make when it comes to having children are equal, people can draw equivalence but that isn't the case (as men can't be pregnant and give birth, not to mention the societal structures that put more pressure on women to make sacrifices once parents) so it's silly to try.

@Ophicleide I think you’ve put my concerns perfectly there. Telling him could ruin everything. But then not telling him does feel like a big secret to keep, and I’m naturally honest to a fault.

I think the initial shock has worn off now and I just feel nervous and sick now, my guts are churning and I’ve been sat in my car in a car park shaking for the last hour.

And if I go down the medical abortion route I guess they will give me the pills on Tuesday, which means when I see him 4 days later I’ll likely still be bleeding quite heavily and from what I’ve read possibly still feeling a bit wiped out and shit.

This is another thing that seems to only happen on mn contraceptive failures? Seems disproportionate.
Anyway I wouldnt tell him at all. Its your body your choice.

You absolutely do not have to tell him.

However, would his emotional support be something you would want/need? If he's unaware then he'll be unable to support you.

@MrsBerthaRochester

This is another thing that seems to only happen on mn contraceptive failures? Seems disproportionate. Anyway I wouldnt tell him at all. Its your body your choice.

ODFOD.

Until it happens to you, you have no clue what it is like.

I was married, in my late 20s, with two children, had been careful with contraception throughout all my years of being sexually active. Had always used the pill prior to having children but didn't go back on it as didn't like the side effects I was getting. Ex was horrible so I tried to avoid sex with him if I could anyway. Then on one of the occasions where I felt I couldn't say no, we used a condom, and apparently it didn't work. It was really distressing to go through and I had a MC early in the pregnancy.

Stop being so judgemental when you don't know anything about peoples lives. Women don't tend to post on Mumsnet when their contraception is working fine, do they? ' Just to let you know- it's another month and my implant still is working- thought you'd all like to know!'

@TellOrNot1981 any chance your friend can pop round later on, have a bit of company whilst you're feeling anxious?

@MrsBerthaRochester

This is another thing that seems to only happen on mn contraceptive failures? Seems disproportionate. Anyway I wouldnt tell him at all. Its your body your choice.

Christ on a bike there were nearly 211,000 abortions in England and Wales alone in 2020, please go away with your snooty judgemental crap. There are many, many reasons a woman might need an abortion and contraceptive failure is one major reason, not that it should matter, and not that it needs to be debated here where there's a woman who is trying to make a decision that's going to affect the rest of hers and her children's lives and the life of her partner whatever she decides. It's not the time or the place for cheap shots about contraceptive failure as if she's some feckless twit (which it definitely sounded like you were implying anyone with a contraceptive failure would be).

@BellatrixOnABadDay I’ll be ok, I have a lot of jobs to do when I get home so I’ll just keep busy and distracted as much as possible. It’s when I sit still and start thinking that the panic/dread creeps in.

@MrsBerthaRochester

This is another thing that seems to only happen on mn contraceptive failures? Seems disproportionate. Anyway I wouldnt tell him at all. Its your body your choice.

yes, that's why every method of contraception has a published failure rate even with "perfect" use. Because contraception never fails. And because even a 0.5% failure rate annually doesn't add up to thousands and thousands of pregnancies on contraception a year when millions of women in the UK are using these methods. Oh, wait...

The Irish Abortion referendum crystallised the thinking on termination for most of us. I was very surprised by loads of people - ones that I thought would vote no, voted yes with gusto, others that were very liberal in every other way voted no. It's a very difficult one to call.

So he may very well be pro-choice, despite being RCC - after all, 78% of Irish people class themselves as Roman Catholic according to the 2016 census yet the referendum results was that 67% of voters voted for abortion to be allowed in Ireland.

@MrsBerthaRochester

This is another thing that seems to only happen on mn contraceptive failures? Seems disproportionate. Anyway I wouldnt tell him at all. Its your body your choice.

Well people are hardly likely to start threads based on all the times their contraception did work are they?! Think about it logically.

@TellOrNot1981 I'm sorry - it's just rubbish for you, whichever way you look at it.

If 1981 is your birth year, I'm ten years older than you. One thing i have learnt is that relationships can't be based on lies - but they don't always benefit from total honesty, either. A termination is a big thing, as you know. But sometimes, telling the truth doesn't achieve anything other than heaping more pain on top of pain.

History is filled with women who have taken very big secrets to the grave with them, and have had good reasons for doing so. My only concern would be that your boyfriend might find out some other way, though that's unlikely given that he lives 4.5 hours away and works away, too. Sometimes it almost seems that people are punished more for being honest than they are for not being entirely honest, and I wonder if this might not be one of those situations.

In practical terms, you would probably not be feeling well when you see him. You could tell him you're having such a bad period that you're wondering whether it might be a very early miscarriage. That would possibly pave the way to have a conversation later, should you wish to, as his reaction might tell you the way it's likely to go.

But this is just a suggestion - I'm just thinking through the possibilities. I do feel for you, though.

Sorry, I haven’t rtft so this might have been mentioned before but could you tell him and then decide what to do based on his reaction. If he really doesn’t want to keep it, you could have a termination and say that you miscarried. At least that way you would know how he would react first rather then him never knowing. He could then support you through the loss

@AlmostAJillSandwich

It's 50% his baby, termination or not, he deserves to know he/she exists/existed.

I agree with you....

It's not a baby yet and what does he gain from knowing if it's OP's choice to have a termination?

Hope you're doing ok OP.

OP sharing the news she is pregnant with her DP is not giving him power. It’s giving him information. The choice whether she has a termination is hers and she can choose whether to take his opinion into account

I know the thread has moved on, but I heartily disagree with this. Telling him gives him the power to guilt trip OP and ultimately try and persuade her to make a decision that will have small impact on him and absolutely huge on her.

@TellOrNot1981 I would not tell under the circumstances. What benefit is there to telling him? None, unless you think he’d completely agree with your wanting a termination and hold your hand while it happens.

Good luck OP.

I’m hanging in there thanks @BellatrixOnABadDay.

Just got my usually good evening message from bf as he’s just got in from work. I knew as soon as the message came up that I won’t be saying anything to him tonight.

Maybe I can keep it a secret, I’m pretty good at compartmentalising things in my brain.

@Ophicleide yes that’s my birth year. I had the worst 40th ever last year in lockdown and now with my birthday in a few days this one isn’t shaping up to be a lot better. There’s no way bf will find out unless I tell him, only one person knows and I trust her 💯.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy I think he’d be pretty sad and helpless that he couldn’t be here to support me, he’s already taking time off work to come down for my birthday so he definitely won’t be able to be here on Tuesday. It’s not like it’s down the road. He’s so laid back but he feels things quite deeply and I think it would do his head in being so far away but knowing I was going through that.

On a practical note (never had a medical abortion) is it advisable to be on your own? I could ask my friend to come over if not.