To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

[ILoveHuskies]

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

@MarshaBradyo

Op do you work with lots of younger people?

I guess I’m not sure where the invisibility feeling comes from, have you changed markedly since your twenties?

No, I am self employed, I haven't worked for, or with, anyone else for years. I have my own cosmetic tattoo and PMU studio

I see clients most days and they range from 20s through to 70s. I also have friends mostly age late 30s to 50s so I don't hang out with youngsters

It's very hard to pinpoint exactly what has driven this feeling in me, think it's a combination of a lot of things.. the bar example I gave in my op was one example that particularly stung. I just feel society in general is so youth obsessed

Thanks for starting this thread. I totally relate to @Laiste description. My 20s were very like this and it’s only now, mid 40s that I’m able to unpack and come to terms with a lot of what was going on then and what happened to me.

The BBC’s adaptation of Normal People was very close to the bone and helped me understand toxic treatment i got both from men and frenemy female ‘friends’.

I’m mid 40s now but I don’t feel invisible. Ive always had a lot of natural authority which have kids has only heightened. When at work / out I dress sharply and can command a room with a well cut coat / jacket.

But in mum mood I get along fine too. In a big Parker, no make up, no fucks given.

I wasn’t as cool as you in my 20s but maybe now my authority helps.

Is it worth looking at women in mid life you admire to see if there is anything there you can learn from? (If you want to).

As a mid 40s woman I can still command a room when I put my mind to it!

I plan to maintain that. The most rocking woman I know (used to work for her) is nearing 60 and still is the coolest lady on any room she’s in!

@ChickenStripper

i'm beginning to think that it IS women in their 40s who feel like this - you've got to a certain stage but you haven't got to the confident stage yet? Don't worry - you will get there 😂

I honestly really hope so

Some of the awesome sounding don't give a shit ladies on here are really giving me hope 💪

Oddly, I find people are far friendlier now I’m over 40 -
I’d love to be younger for the physical strength one has, but being hassled by men and propositioned was a real downside.
Being invisible has advantages!

Just wait to you get to 70 people tilt their heads speak very slowly and loudly.
I told someone quite firmly the other day that I was neither deaf or daft!

@WidgetyWoo

This doesn’t seem to be the case as my looks have faded over time - it certainly isn’t just men though and it isn’t about being “fanciable”, there is just such a noticeable difference in every day interactions

Yes this is what I'm trying to say...totally agree

I totally get you. I'm slightly older than you and do not own my own home or have a career. I did, until my 30s but due to ill health and being dumped, I'm renting with no idea what will become of me.

As awful as it sounds, I used to be attractive. Now, I'm 'just' a mum, which actually makes me happier than any job or man!

The heels and collagen are gone. I'm slowly getting used to it but it still stings a little to be invisible after being stunning for so long.

Don't feel like this really. I still seem to get chatted up occasionally which astonishes me given I'm grey and overweight. And I definitely kick ass at work which helps.
I think it's all a state of mind. If you think you look gorgeous and are fantastic then you'll get the attention!

@UserBot9to5

Those beautiful 50 somethings were all extremely beautiful to start with.

Be ok with having aged! We should reject the "shame," of looking our age.

Absolutely! And have had a lot of “work” done.

@HazelBite

Just wait to you get to 70 people tilt their heads speak very slowly and loudly. I told someone quite firmly the other day that I was neither deaf or daft!

Grr!, how annoying

I think it's very, very hard when something you were in a top centile of is taken from you. We are used to gaining ground as we grow up, and when that starts to reverse, that's challenging for anyone.

I used to be quite bright. I went to one of the top 2 universities in the country, and held my own there. I never really cared about how I looked, which was probably a reasonable average, but I did care that I was cognitively very able.

A lot of chemotherapy, hormone blockers to prevent cancer returning, and surgery to place me into menopause overnight (again, to prevent recurrence) robbed me of quite a lot of brain capacity. I'm okay, I suppose. But I am aware that a lot of the sharpness of mind has left now, and I fumble for words that used to just be there, effortlessly.

If you've been very beautiful when young, and were at the top of the tree in terms of social capital with peers, then it's completely human and normal to grieve for losing those things, even as you recognise that there are many more positives to your life, now.

Society makes it very clear that some things are highly valued. Beauty, being 'cool', and being very sharp-witted are amongst them. To not care if they left, you'd need cognitive damage on a rather larger scale than my own, or to have suffered terrible harm you attributed to those gifts (a woman in modelling or the music industry who was horrendously abused because of it, for example). In our cases, the gifts were fairly undiluted positives. They gave us self-esteem and confidence. And it's very, very hard when one of the things underpinning whatever self-belief you may have is removed from you.

I get it, and I sympathise. I think it's still early days for us both - in the sense of the span of a lifetime - and we'll acclimatise and find things to compensate.

There are some pretentious places in London (and in any big city) where the staff will make you feel inadequate. I have experienced this when i was 18,25,30,35. So unless you were in an uber cool arts members club for the under 22’s i don’t think being 42 in a London bar will get you branded as a grandma.

I’m 24 and certainly don’t look at women in their 40s with contempt or pity

I think your own insecurities about your age might be clouding your judgement. Xx

I totally feel like this OP. I think the solution is to give less fucks but it's just not that easy.

I'm 50 now and feel better than ever. Less attention means more freedom. Also, I'd feel pretty uncomfortable if people still reacted to me in the same way they did in my teens/20s/30s. Why would someone in their 50s need that?

I do giggle at the way work colleagues in their 20s sometimes explain stuff to me as if I'm 'old', slow, not able to keep up; but of course at their stage in life they genuinely don't realise women my age are effectively two 25-year-olds rolled into one. Twice the experience, twice the wisdom, twice the confidence. It's a shame age isn't respected in a lot of cultures, but who gives a toss when we're all in charge of our own happiness?

I’m mid-forties and can’t really say I’ve noticed feeling invisible generally.

It depends where you go. If you go somewhere full of 20 somethings, I agree they aren’t interested in you ( in any way) but who cares? I have to say I look at 20 somethings with the same disinterest. They all seem so self absorbed!

I want to feel visible among my contemporaries, which I feel I do. I still get eyed up by guys my age, and feel respected because of my age by younger people.

I think maybe you’re still looking for attention from a much younger crowd? Bet you still get loads of attention from people your own age!

It's not all over at 42 unless you want it to be. Plenty of people on this thread clearly don't mind attracting less superficial attention and/or have partners so get their validation that way. I'm single and older than you and so looking good and being attractive is still something that I like to do- and if I can do it (and I'm not a natural beauty), you can to. It's a choice, about where you put your energies. Some are glad to move on from this, others recreate their look for the age they are and remain interesting and interested in others (and attractive, there is quite a dating scene for the over 40's, they aren't all giving up just yet!)

This is entirely in your own head.

What do you want?

People to lay palm leaves down in front of you walking to the shops?

A red carpet from the toilet to the living room?

Get over yourself!

I'm 41 and haven't noticed this too much. I'm a size 12 instead of a size 8 but otherwise I haven't changed much! I still put a lot of effort into my appearance. I don't really know if people are looking at me or not because I have zero fucks to give, but I don't feel invisible. Life is what you make it.

The contrast for you isn’t because of your age now, it’s because you were hot when you were younger.

As an ethnic minority I am used to having no second glances, or second glances of the ‘haven’t seen any of those around here for a while!’ nature. So nothing’s changed since 20 or 40. I was an invisible non entity then (until I reached out and made friends and established relationships) and I’m an invisible non entity now (again, only until I reach our and am friendly and people see the entirety of my personality). It’s actually a blessing in disguise. It’s made me assess myself for who I really am, not what I look like to others.

I'm really mixed about this. In some ways I think I get taken more seriously in many walks of life now, and I quite often go to stuff on my own so not getting noticed is good in that respect. But I still get pissed off when I'm not flyered for clubs on nights out. Like really pointedly, not just not offered one - they are moved away from old unhip me.
I had a staggered introduction to being ignored when out though, because I became less and less fussed about wearing my specs when "out out", and I found they are almost a cloak of invisibility. Or, as one young man put it "boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses."

I’m mid-forties and can’t really say I’ve noticed feeling invisible generally.

This is interesting. In my mid-forties I'd have said the same. It was only when I got to 48/49 that I became invisible, which funnily enough coincided with my face starting to slide off my skull.

Droopy skin acts like an invisibility cloak.

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible

Some of us have never turned heads so can't empathise. What's important is to develop character and personality - which takes a lot of working at. People who are not obvious outright stunners, if they are not too introvert, can develop charisma around people who know them. When you meet new people who make you feel invisible, then you've had years to learn how to charm them. And you do get pretty good at it! Being funny and kind and generous of heart and interesting is far more valuable than the passing phase of beauteous youth.

But hey! I would say that, wouldn't I!?

Perhaps the situation will reverse again as you get older.
I am in my 60's now, much more confident than I was in my 40's.
I was never pretty but attractive so have always had to work harder on my looks.
My dd found it hilarious last week when a guy her age asked me to sleep at his apartment.
OK, he was drunk but I certainly didn't feel invisible!

Yes I find this particularly in work when the young people sneer like I don't know what I'm talking about. They forget I've seen things before and have experience they don't have and they teach me to suck eggs sometimes it feels like.