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Original poster

To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

380 replies

ILoveHuskies · 31/01/2022 15:55

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

OP posts:
Longcovid21 · 31/01/2022 19:35

I'm only 44 by thr way

Pawprintpaper · 31/01/2022 19:37

@CovidCorvid

I quite like to be honest. But I don’t care if random people I don’t know look through me. I don’t care if they write me off.

I’m happy in my own middle aged skin, I love my job, I have great friends, interests which keep me busy. If people aren’t prepared to get to know me because they think I have nothing to offer then they’re not the sort of people I’d be interested in either.

This,

And professionally (caring profession) people trust me a bit more, question my experience/judgement less - I feel I communicate better, understand more of peoples life experiences (although every day is still a school day) feel wiser and somewhat protective of younger staff rather than threatened by them. I think you have to roll with it and enjoy the best bits of every life stage, and be thankful for being here and in good health to enjoy it, because sadly I know of women my age who sadly didn’t make it past their 30s.

SteppingOverTheMark · 31/01/2022 19:38

I’m 30 with 2 kids and I am starting to feel exactly how you describe…I realise now that I shouldn’t have been so self conscious 10 years ago as I was relatively attractive with a decent figure. One decade, half a stone and 2 children later, I just feel like an invisible mess no matter how hard I try…the rare occasions I do get to dress up a bit, I feel like nobody notices.

I don’t think it’s vanity or insecurity, i don’t know what it is but it makes me feel a bit bleurgh.

giveyou2reasons · 31/01/2022 19:39

I'd love to feel even more invisible when I'm out and about, honestly! I hate feeling that everyone's looking at me, even when logically I know that it's all in my head and no-one really cares what I look like, whether I've done something clumsily, etc.

Not caring what other people think (especially as regards physical appearance) is my goal. I have a husband and am not interested in attracting anyone else's attention with my looks.

I do expect to be treated with the same basic respect everyone deserves, not be blatantly ignored or insulted, but beyond that? I don't crave attention from strangers and would be happy to blend into the background completely.

Lollyfalalalalalalalalaaahhhhh · 31/01/2022 19:40

I don't really understand why you would want people you don't know to stare Grin who gives a shit what they think?

Campfirewood · 31/01/2022 19:40

I sort of get this Op. But I’m feeling more confident than ever in my late 30s.
In my 20s I was a bit lost, but have done well professionally and still get attention. In fact I probably get more attention now.
I think it depends what circles you run in.
Due to my work I’m around older (40s+) men a lot, so there’s some attention/banter.
If I was around young hot women in their 20s I’d probably feel a bit inadequate!

velvet24 · 31/01/2022 19:44

I am a few years older and I don't feel that way, if anything I feel better, stronger and more empowered now, and I still get lots of men looking at me !

DysmalRadius · 31/01/2022 19:46

You've said that young people seem to act you're irrelevant, but how do people your own age/older treat you? And how interested were you in the opinions of older people when you were younger? I might well appear irrelevant to people I don't know of any age, but they are equally irrelevant to me so I haven't really noticed. I notice how the people whose opinions I value treat me and that hasn't really changed (although some of the people in that category have! ).

Original poster
ILoveHuskies · 31/01/2022 19:46

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

This is entirely in your own head.

What do you want?

People to lay palm leaves down in front of you walking to the shops?

A red carpet from the toilet to the living room?

Get over yourself!

Lol.

If you actually read my other posts you'll see I don't mean that at all.

Although palm leaves strewn in my path every day could be pretty cool. I'd rather rose petals though tbh

OP posts:
merrygoround51 · 31/01/2022 19:46

I think it’s probably more than you were a beauty and magnetic in your youth that makes it more difficult to not be seen in the same way now.

I was reasonably attractive in my youth but no beauty so the slow slide into being ‘seen’ less is not so dramatic. I wasn’t used to lots of attention.

I always think it’s hard for great beauties to age, even the most beautiful like grace kelly and Catherine Deneuve didn’t turn heads in the same way as they aged. Youth is just beautiful …. And totally wasted on the young

ElectraBlue · 31/01/2022 19:50

I must be odd because I am 51 and I never feel ignored of invisible.

Might be because I could not care less what other people, young or old , think of me and I have grown in confidence.

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 31/01/2022 19:52

I will be 50 in two weeks time and I feel more confident now then I did when I was younger. I don't care what other people think of me. I put alot of weight on when I had my youngest DC and he is 10.
I felt unattractive and felt terrible in clothes plus tired with having 3 DC'c. I ended up losing 4 Stone in weight, now a size 10 and have joined a gym taking part in weight training classes. This has given me the confidence in myself. When I have a busy week with work/DC's I have Davina Mccall DVD's and get up early to do her exercises. Her DVD's are amazing and it keeps me focus on my weight loss. I am sure you are lovely just the way you are OP.. It is just the way we feel about ourselves. Everyone is growing older

D0lphine · 31/01/2022 19:54

In the nicest way possible I think you need to let this go. No one is 20 forever after all!

Getting older is a privilege - the alternative is not getting older if you see what I mean.

Moonface123 · 31/01/2022 19:59

l am 53 and don't feel this way at all, age is just a number. Celebrate yourself at every stage of life.

Thingsthatgo · 31/01/2022 19:59

I recognise this feeling, I had the pick of the men in my 20s and early 30s before I met my DH. My mum used to tell me that I should ‘use my looks to their full advantage’, and I did. There are many perks.
Now, not so much! I’m cool with it though, it was fun while it lasted, and now I am embracing my middle age. I use my creativity to make very beautiful things, which get admired instead. (I must crave validation!!)
When I was younger I would’ve probably not noticed middle aged people in my vicinity, so I don’t blame young people for ignoring me a bit.

Holly60 · 31/01/2022 20:00

@ClariceQuiff

‘hello, I’d like one of your delicious cocktails, they look fantastic- you guys do such a great job!’ Smile smile.

You won’t be ignored I promise

No - the waitress will probably vomit over you! Grin

Haha, no usually I get a smile and a thank you back. Often I get served first next time, and sometimes I get an extra large shot thrown in. Totes works
Original poster
ILoveHuskies · 31/01/2022 20:01

@Scout2016

I'm really mixed about this. In some ways I think I get taken more seriously in many walks of life now, and I quite often go to stuff on my own so not getting noticed is good in that respect. But I still get pissed off when I'm not flyered for clubs on nights out. Like really pointedly, not just not offered one - they are moved away from old unhip me. I had a staggered introduction to being ignored when out though, because I became less and less fussed about wearing my specs when "out out", and I found they are almost a cloak of invisibility. Or, as one young man put it "boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses." Hmm
Oh god yeah I remember when I noticed I stopped getting club flyers hande to me. It was around 30ish or when I had my children / babies with me .
OP posts:
Marimaur · 31/01/2022 20:04

I know a few older people (in their 50s/60s) that are ageing really well, growing their hair dye out or just dressing really well. They’re not trying to cling onto what their life was like when they were younger as if that’s the only time in their life to enjoy, they’re owning their age and their confidence and self assuredness shines through and they just look classy and chic - I’m sure all of that came with a bit of introspection and acceptance. I’m in my late 30s and starting to get greys etc but I’m secretly referring to them as my mentors on how to be self confident at any age.

Svadhyaya · 31/01/2022 20:05

I sort of get what you're saying as I get a horrible shock when I look in the mirror and realise I look much older than my mental image of myself.
However I'm actually a lot more confident in my own skin in my 40s than I ever was in my youth and actually enjoy being taken seriously as a person. I am very small and had quite baby-like features so was always infantilised and treated like a little dolly in my youth, which it's quite refreshing not to have any more.

MulticolourTulips · 31/01/2022 20:07

Oh god I'm 40 next year and this isn't making me feel any better about it. It doesn't help that DH is quite a bit younger than me and hasn't long turned 30!

Are you my daughter? She just got married last year, at 38, to her husband who is now 30. They were together for a couple of years until she terminated the relationship solely because of the age difference, and what other people would think about it, and whether she was being fair to him. She was completely heartbroken, and so was he.
I had her sobbing on the phone, sobbing because she loved him so much and he kept messaging her because he too was heartbroken and didn't know what he'd done wrong. I told her during that phone call that if she truly loved him, and if he too was distraught, (which he obviously was because he rang me to ask if I knew what he'd done wrong - not pushy, just very upset) then she should stop worrying what anybody else thought and ring him immediately and tell him she'd just had a blip about their age difference and that she was sorry and it didn't matter any more. If that, indeed, was the case.

Which it was. So she rang him immediately and he hotfooted round and they were reunited. And now they are married. It feels like quite a heavy responsibility, being the instigator of their eventual marriage. But then again, they might very well have got back together without my nebbing in at all on their relationship. For my part, whatever happens, right or wrong, he's a lovely man and everything about their relationship shouts that he loves her very much.

I feel all warm inside now:)

CPL593H · 31/01/2022 20:08

OP, I'm nearing 60. Youth IS valued above all things and it is the way it has always been, no longer matching up to what is a very fleeting ideal can be a challenge to oneself but the truism of the alternative not being great is valid.

A good few years ago in an M&S foodhall one lunchtime I noticed one of the most striking, elegant women I've ever seen. She looked quite wonderful, low slouch suede boots, long skirt, very dark blue coat with military frogging and a tilted hat showing curling silver hair. Soft, flattering makeup.

She had the fragile look of extreme age and I would have put her around 90. She didn't look good for her age though, she looked good for any age. I think the important thing was that she wore her style entirely naturally and just seemed at ease with herself. This brief sighting gave me comfort and inspiration about the future, that yeah, you might not be 'young young', you might even be very old, but you can be yourself and that is its own beauty.

MulticolourTulips · 31/01/2022 20:12

Yes I find this particularly in work when the young people sneer like I don't know what I'm talking about. They forget I've seen things before and have experience they don't have and they teach me to suck eggs sometimes it feels like

Yeah. I hear you. I wish I knew now, as much as I did when I was 20

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 31/01/2022 20:12

It sounds like you have a really wonderful life but for some reason you're still fretting over not being seen as sexy and cool by some bar staff in their late twenties. Maybe you're going through a midlife crisis? Give some thought to this before you do something silly, like have an affair with a younger man...

Iwilloneday · 31/01/2022 20:21

Wait till your nearly 70...:it's like your invisible yet still feel 20 in my head!

Blinky21 · 31/01/2022 20:22

I'm 42, I love it, I don't care what anyone thinks of me, I wouldn't have said that in my 20s