To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

[ILoveHuskies]

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

Those beautiful 50 somethings were all extremely beautiful to start with.

Be ok with having aged! We should reject the "shame," of looking our age.

I'm nearly 50, and can't think of anything less cool than needing the approval of random 20-somethings, what the fuck do they know?

@BlondeDogLady

I’m talking about myself, not Sue on minimum wage. One of the benefits of being expats in Switzerland is the very high salaries, so if I want re-touching in 10 years’ time, I’ll do it!

@UserBot9to5

Those beautiful 50 somethings were all extremely beautiful to start with.

Be ok with having aged! We should reject the "shame," of looking our age.

Agree!

I don’t quite understand how you could feel invisible and irrelevant when you have the career of your dreams and a husband you love and are successful. I also think you might be discounting the fact that in your twenties people are so much more interested in who else is in the room when in a pub or club or bar. Twenty somethings are often insecure or unsure of themselves and they look to who is considered cool or popular for an idea of how to behave or what’s in fashion for their chosen subgroup - and you enjoyed being at the centre of that.

Now you’re older that’s not the same but that’s ok! People tend to find their people as they get older and ignore those who are out of their age bracket. Do you notice women in their 60s for example when in a bar or out and about?

I had an experience where I had to spend quite a lot of time around twenty somethings and I noticed the gap and that they treated me more like ‘the mum’ but tbh it was just nice to be where I am now and not be worrying about the same shit they were - like who is wearing what, who is cool, who is the most fashionable or the thinnest or most popular.

Why would you want to keep those days going when you are older and hopefully wiser?

To some extent I agree. Occasionally I have had the luke warm shoulder from younger people. However, I do think this invisible thing is a bit of a cliche. I don’t feel invisible and I’m 46. Yes, young men no longer shout/stare/abuse me in the street. Thank fuck for that. (Their problem not mine in the first place). But I do think people generally notice me still. I wear clothes that are noticeably (I think). Jewelery, hair, makeup etc. If you don’t want anyone to notice you then that’s entirely possible, and may be desirable for some, but a bit of glamour (for the want of a better word) makes you noticeable. I notice women in their 50-80s who look stylish. Why wouldn’t you notice someone in the forties who did? I don’t mean looking like Joan Collins but what I mean is you don’t have to be Invisible unless you choose to be. I’m sure I would say none of Cerys Matthews, Catlin Moran or Claudia Winkleman are invisible and they are all over 42.

I dunno, all those things you did years ago still make you cool now! As cheesy as it sounds, it’s still part of you.
I went to a lot of gigs when younger and saw “older” people at them and didn’t think anything of it - when you’re really into music I think those type of gigs are just full of other people who are really into music too and no one thinks of each other’s ages.
I bet your are still attractive too, you are only 42 that’s not even old!
I think you need to change how you are presuming people are looking at you!

Just wait till your in your seventies.. People patronise you kindly 'because of your age'! I can still swear and walk out, though...

Op do you work with lots of younger people?

I guess I’m not sure where the invisibility feeling comes from, have you changed markedly since your twenties?

I'm 15 years older than the OP, and I don't feel invisible. I don't recognise what she's describing at all. I'm senior at work and I feel respected and validated by colleagues at all levels and of all ages. Perhaps it helps that I've never been beautiful though I would probably be described as striking, and I'm certainly far more comfortable in my own skin now than I was when I was young. I've never sought attention and I'm happy with that. Irrelevant and insignificant though? Not me!

But WHO treats women over 40 with a mixture of pity and contempt? Whose perspective are we adopting here? Teenagers to whom nothing has yet happened? Men for whom women are either fuckable or not? Self-hating women over 40 who have internalised misogyny and think their currency is in wolf whistles?

I think it’s important to ask what POV you’re adopting when you say ‘women over 40 are treated like x.’

I was originally born in Edinburgh but have lived near a large city in England for over 45 years. What would make me cringe when leaving an employer & presents were invariably shortbread. Also not being invited to various events or meetings. Retired now thankfully.

At 56, I have a community of brilliant 56 year old friends who are my rock and who take the piss out of everything, including the young and their pretensions. My value is not in how I am/am not noticed and actually invisibility can be a brilliant super-power.

I quite like it. In my teens I was kicked, punched and spat on for being ugly. In my twenties and thirties I could stop traffic and got a lot of male attention, much of it actually harassment. I found it funny that I was treated so differently despite being the same person. I'm still that same person except apparently now, at 50, I'm invisible. That's fine. It's a problem with other people, not with me.

I am way older than the OP and I have never felt invisible. I do look at old photos and think I didn't realise how great I was at the time. I was young and insecure with men. Now I am very secure in myself, independently wealthy, able to do what I want. I am a great talker though so chat to everyone and am very happy when out and about. I don't recognise these feelings.

Why does it even matter? I'm in my 50s and can't say I've ever noticed being invisible because I don't pay attention. If someone is rude then I don't automatically think it's my age. People who serve customers are generally very nice. What difference does it make not being noticed? Like you say, you are so much more than what you look like. You need to start believing that yourself. The way you perceive yourself comes from you not others.

I agree with you. I did similar to you in terms of modelling work, and just took it for granted that the world was full of friendly, kind, helpful people.

This doesn’t seem to be the case as my looks have faded over time - it certainly isn’t just men though and it isn’t about being “fanciable”, there is just such a noticeable difference in every day interactions.

I know it’s looks based as I put on a huge amount of weight in one of my pregnancies, that was the first time I felt “invisible”. When I lost the weight, I got to a certain point and it seemed like the whole world “warmed up” again and I realised how much people respond to what is seen as conventional beauty.

Based on that, I understand why Hollywood stars sometimes try so so hard to hold on to their looks and stay slim and young looking etc

How do you feel about having been judged on your looks over all those years? As has been said, women who are not attractive are treated like this in their 20s too.

I get it OP. I don't identify much with the expected things that come in your 40s. I actually feel embarrassed by my age, because it is so far from who I feel I am or want to be.

Plus I definitely have too much of an external locus of identity.

Most of all though, it is the lost of the vitality, the immediacy and potential of being younger and dumber. The ability to sink into a moment and just live it. The feeling that anything could happen. I know much of the issue is my way of thinking and I'm working on it.

I dont know I am 43 and pissed off I am a single mum and I want a husband, but have not got the slightest idea how to go about finding someone.

I am feeling the ticking of time, but others dont see it people think I am in my late 20s, early 30s and thats annoying in itself, I have been asked out about 5 times in my lif by guys I liked but they are always much younger then me and frankly I like older men and they never give me a second glance let alone men my own age.

so I feel invisible to finding a partner, I can spend my life with.

Be grateful you got this far.

Nothing lasts forever, not beauty, status, nor health.

i'm beginning to think that it IS women in their 40s who feel like this - you've got to a certain stage but you haven't got to the confident stage yet? Don't worry - you will get there 😂

I'm nearly 50 and don't feel this way yet.
Maybe I'm one of the lucky ones, or.......I just don't give a fuck and only notice people who notice me?

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear?

Why on earth do you care what random 20 somethings think of you???? I am 50. I'm no more interested in random 20 year olds than they are in me! In my 20s of course I never looked at 40 year olds. Yes, 40 year olds were invisible to me, unless they were colleagues I worked with. My mates were my peer group. As they are now!

At work, I have been asked my opinion on current issues by colleagues in their early 20s. Its all context specific.

I just smile at the youngsters in work, let them make mistakes after I have flagged things to them.

My boss finds out and I am am asked to sort the problem out

They are learning slowly but they are paying a high price but I know nothing as I am a certain age, what do I know 👍👍😳

Sad really but if no one wants to listen to me, so be it 👍