To find it depressing feeling invisible and irrelevant in my 40s

[ILoveHuskies]

I am 42. I really want to be ok with that but what I am finding difficult with is the slow shift in peoples attitudes towards me. Another poster described it as "thinly veiled contempt" for women of a certain age, and I have certainly experienced that. An example I gave on another thread was when I was in a bar in London recently with DH and that was exactly how we were treated by a young staff member (we walked out as did not feel welcome) but it was so depressing as we knew for a fact that ten years ago it would have been different.

I did some modelling in my teens and was pretty attractive in my 20s and 30s. I also used to be in a band, it was only a local band but we were popular locally and had a decent following. I have performed in front of decent sized crowds in cool venues, (I am sorry if this is big headed) I had a lot of male attention as well and had my pick of men. DH was a musician too, we met as we were both part of a local rock scene, people knew of us, we were seen as cool dammit!

I would never want to go back to my 20s, as fun as they were. As I had no career, no money, no direction and I was a bit of a dickhead if I am honest

But it depresses me having been the sort of person that people turn around and stare at when I walk into a room, that now I am invisible. I feel that younger people now just see people my age as a bit tragic (probably anyone over about 30ish if I am honest) yet all that separates us is time. Why should we disappear? I still feel the same inside, I still like music, I still like fashion and beauty etc. I am so much more than the middle aged mum that so many people look through and ignore. I have a fantastic career earning more money than I ever believed possible, and most importantly I absolute love every minute of. I have raised 3 amazing dc, I am kind, I am fairly intelligent, have good friends and family and am lucky enough to own a lovely house which I decorated and did up myself. I have so much to offer as a person. But because of my age I am seen by some as irrelevant and written off.

I have rambled and got this down quickly as I have a client in a few minutes. So I hope it makes sense. Does anyone else feel similar? How did / do you deal with it if so ?

[quote ILoveHuskies]@IcedPurple Nowhere in my posts did said I miss male attention and being noticed . Just stating that I did have that and now I don't, but that isn't what bothers me
[/quote]
And I'm still unclear about precisely what does bother you, other than having people half your age treat you as 'one of them'?

When it was bad it was awful. Being cat called and leered at when i was just in the park with my young DCs. Propositioned by a good friend's DH. Pestered by men when you're just wanting to sit and chat to a mate. Men getting shitty when you politely turn them down. Men treating me like either an airhead or a piece of meat. Open hostility from women i've never even met.

That's just being female though, I don't know anyone who hasn't experienced those things regardless of their appearance.

Just hang around with people your own age. Who cares if younger people see you as past it.

I’m 55 and I don’t feel like that. I have a demanding job that I enjoy and a husband I love. I’m fatter than I used to be but I still scrub up ok and I don’t need random men’s responses for validation. It’s a different stage so go with it. 40 is still young.

Hilarious. Wait till you're in your 60s! Personally I feel quite liberated by ageing. I can say what I like and be pretty blunt and not give a if people don't like how I look or what I say.

This has hit me in the last year or so but I'm nearer 52 than 42.

I changed direction careerwise a few years back and it probably wasn't the wisest decision. I was fairly well regarded in my old career but I feel like a bit of a nobody at the moment.

Like you, I feel like I have a lot to offer but I feel like people look at me and just assume I want a nice little part-time job to take me to retirement. Several people have expressed surprise that I want a bit more than that. I'm starting to think I should just work for myself and set my own rules. I'm that fed up of it all.

Home, family and life with DH is all good. It's just the bigger wider world which I have trouble with.

I think you’ve got to learn that charm and charisma are not attached to how you look physically (as in your body shape and face). Dress well and make sure your hair looks like you look after it. Wear makeup that enhances your looks.

When you walk in a room smile at everyone, hold your shoulders back, and act like you are the most confident person in the world. When you are at a bar, stand tall, smile, eye contact. Speak warmly to the waitress ‘hello, I’d like one of your delicious cocktails, they look fantastic- you guys do such a great job!’ Smile smile.

You won’t be ignored I promise

I think the key phrase is 'I used to be a model' . You're used to having a lot of attention..

I was never remotely a stunner but was looking at photos from 20 years ago, and I looked great compared to now. Cest la vie. In 20 years from now I will look shitter.

@TatianaBis

When it was bad it was awful. Being cat called and leered at when i was just in the park with my young DCs. Propositioned by a good friend's DH. Pestered by men when you're just wanting to sit and chat to a mate. Men getting shitty when you politely turn them down. Men treating me like either an airhead or a piece of meat. Open hostility from women i've never even met.

That's just being female though, I don't know anyone who hasn't experienced those things regardless of their appearance.

True enough.

‘hello, I’d like one of your delicious cocktails, they look fantastic- you guys do such a great job!’ Smile smile.

You won’t be ignored I promise

No - the waitress will probably vomit over you!

I think people do start to feel invisible with age but 42 is quite young to feel like that. I am mid-forties and still feel quite young. I had the opposite feeling when I was younger. I felt people treated me like a child until I was about 35! I feel I get a bit more respect now.

@Hoppinggreen

It sounds like a lot of your self esteem and identity is tied up in the way you look OP. It’s understandable, but inevitably that will change and you need to find new and better ways to define yourself or risk bitterness. Don’t become my Mother whose Raison d’Etre from her late 40s was to try and bring down any women seen as attractive including most recently her Grandaughters, this alienating not just them but me and my sil too (and DH)

Aww that's really sad re your mum ☹️

@tatianabis true, i had to consciously take youth out of my identity. Like an appendectomy!! I didnt have much of an identity as a younger person. No passion. No vocation. I was a bit of an underachieving peoplepleaser tbh but I was young and that was something (I felt). The only status I was feeling or enjoying was the status of youth. I was still pretty at 40 but I sensed a crash coming so I was on a journey to disentangle youth out of my identity. It was like ripping off a plaster. I felt extreme sadness for a short while but i sat with it, i journalled and it passed. I thought more about who else I was. Im still healthy, still like clothes and makeup so the shift in my identity is not a visible thing.

I'm 60, I can't say I've noticed a difference in how I'm treated particularly. Everyone is always pleased to see me and I still have interesting conversations and debates with random people I meet at various events.

Maybe it's about how you felt about it in the first place? I've never cared or noticed what other people think of me I've always been very comfortable in my own skin.

@MadameHeisenberg

I’m 40 and don’t find this. I was always the cool, pretty one and I still turn heads. Not that I’m really bothered though to be honest. I’m a scientist and in a management role in big pharma. I found it so difficult to be taken seriously when I was younger (got my PhD when I was 25), but I now have much more gravitas. Most people expect scientists to be old men, so I’ve been going against the grain for years.

As long as DH is happy, it’s good for me. He’s extremely good-looking and most other men don’t come close to him, so I’m not really interested in their attention anyway.

There are plenty of attractive, cool and stylish women in their 50s and beyond so I intend to model myself on them if I feel I need inspiration! Look at Carla Bruni, Liz Hurley, Nigella, Cate Blanchett, Jennifer Anniston, Naomi Watts; they all look fabulous!

At 40 you haven't started to really age though! See how it feels 10 years from now!

There are plenty of attractive, cool and stylish women in their 50s and beyond so I intend to model myself on them if I feel I need inspiration! Look at Carla Bruni, Liz Hurley, Nigella, Cate Blanchett, Jennifer Anniston, Naomi Watts; they all look fabulous!

They are have Millons of dollars and the best stylists and cosmetic doctors in the entire world.

What about Sue on minimum wage?

@Holly60

I think you’ve got to learn that charm and charisma are not attached to how you look physically (as in your body shape and face). Dress well and make sure your hair looks like you look after it. Wear makeup that enhances your looks.

When you walk in a room smile at everyone, hold your shoulders back, and act like you are the most confident person in the world. When you are at a bar, stand tall, smile, eye contact. Speak warmly to the waitress ‘hello, I’d like one of your delicious cocktails, they look fantastic- you guys do such a great job!’ Smile smile.

You won’t be ignored I promise

We clearly go to very different types of bars. 😀

I don't feel like this and I'm early 50s.

20 somethings quite probably see me as irrelevant and uncool; I am their mum's age no doubt. I don't know. I never ask and I wouldn't give a shit either. I have no interest in being 'noticed' in a crowd of kids.

I'm happy with how I look; could do with some weight off but that's for me, not a man. I don't seek out male approval and I don't want to live my life competing with other women for male attention or striving to be the best looking woman in the room.

@MadeinSW3

I found it worse in 30s as you are clearly not in 20s anymore but still young-ish.

Yeah I just turned 30 and I feel like I was just 24 yesterday. It's a weird feeling

OP, I empathise totally. I was a head turner in teens and early to mid-20s. Im still pretty but I've gained some weight and feel the shine has come off. There's a weird thing about being in your 20s where you feel invincible and like the decade will go on forever.

I've noticed a bit less male attention than 10 years ago which I welcome. That feeling of being 'on' or looked at all the time is exhausting.

I always think of it as everyone gets the exact same amount of time to be in their 20s and 'young'. Those people you envy now will age just like you, because that's the direction we're all going in. They deserve to have that special time because we had it too. But there is a loss there that can be hard.

@ChevyCamaro

Hmmm. I think on the one hand, yes, women over 40 are often treated with a mix of pity/contempt/as though they are irrelevant...BUT, you have to make that the problem of the idiots who think like this. You can't internalise stupid ageism and misogyny, that's really self defeating! Your life sounds amazing. You may not turn heads in every room (although at 42 I cant see why you wouldn't) but so what? There's a lot more to life than people thinking you are fit or cool. You need to actually feel your age, and feel the self reliance, wisdom, resilience and perspective that is supposed to come with it. In the nicest way, give yourself a slap and snap out of it!

Excellent post.

It's OK to feel a pang of nostalgia from time to time, OP, but don't society's ageism define you. I promise you will look back in 10 years' time and kick yourself, if you do.

@IcedPurple I have already explained in my previous posts but I suspect you're just wanting to dig at me now. So I won't be engaging anymore. Thanks for your input anyway and enjoy your evening

I’m nearly 50 with tattoos ,pink ,blue ,and purple hair .
I dress like I’m in my 20s ,I don’t own a pair of jeans that haven’t got a 100 rips in them.
Nothing has changed for me ,I’m just the same I always was ,not noticed people treating me any different than usual..

I’m 41 and have a 19 year old dd. I really couldn’t care less what people her age and thereabouts think of me. I was the same when I was her age - they think they know it all and they’re the only people to have invented sex it’s hilarious really. I used to think 30 was “old”.

I was always (cringe saying this) the stunning one. Tall and slim, turned heads etc. Now I’m quite fat and wrinkly and I actually don’t really care what I wear or look like so much anymore. I’ve got chronic disabilities and a disabled son to care for so I go for comfort and practicality. And I’m happy with that. I like myself, I know I’m a nice, decent, intelligent person and on a day to day basis I don’t need to prove that to anyone, least of all those younger than me who haven’t really even lived yet!

I’m mid 40s and haven’t experienced this invisibility people talk of (yet?) and I’m not super attractive or anything. If someone ignored me or served someone else in front of me in a bar/shop I’d be livid and would waste no time in pointing it out. I wonder if this invisibility is more to do with a lack of confidence and presence than looks or age.

Yes for sure you lose the head turning beauty of youth as you age but surely that’s not unexpected. I’m still confident about how I look and present myself to the world but I’m fully aware that that’s as a mature 40 something woman now rather than a young woman.

So what you're really saying, is that being beautiful, talented, rich and successful hasn't made you self -assured and confident. You're still looking to other people for validation and approval.

Perhaps when you become invisible, you'll be able to find yourself .

@ChevyCamaro

Hmmm. I think on the one hand, yes, women over 40 are often treated with a mix of pity/contempt/as though they are irrelevant...BUT, you have to make that the problem of the idiots who think like this. You can't internalise stupid ageism and misogyny, that's really self defeating! Your life sounds amazing. You may not turn heads in every room (although at 42 I cant see why you wouldn't) but so what? There's a lot more to life than people thinking you are fit or cool. You need to actually feel your age, and feel the self reliance, wisdom, resilience and perspective that is supposed to come with it. In the nicest way, give yourself a slap and snap out of it!

Hmmm. I think on the one hand, yes, women over 40 are often treated with a mix of pity/contempt/as though they are irrelevant

Yes ! This part sums up what I mean, it's quite subtle and hard to explain

THIS is the part I hate, i am in no way saying I still want to be, or look 25, it's this shit that's so hard to swallow