Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a lot of lonely people have brought it on themselves?

557 replies

LovelyYellowLabrador · 31/01/2022 11:12

Just been watching a channel 4 thing on YouTube about lonely people
Most of them were like-no one calls…. They don’t see anyone all day
They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else

Just think people need to think more about what they are doing
They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit
Yet don’t stop to pause to think have I been a good parent am I draining or overly negative

Or they could think right no one’s called me, who am I going to call
How am I going to make and keep some friends

OP posts:
DottyHarmer · 31/01/2022 18:12

It was clearly a “friend interview” - and I failed Sad

sonjadog · 31/01/2022 18:17

She sounds horrible though. I don't think you missed out on much by not being her friend. I am lucky and have many friends, and have had to back off from some people because I just don't have the time, but I would never ever speak to someone like that, mainly because I am not a complete arsehole.

Phobiaphobic · 31/01/2022 18:20

Loneliness can be a particular problem for those who've worked on improving their psychological health and outgrown existing friendships. Old friendships made in our earlier years often turn out to be based on terms you no longer find acceptable - as your mental health improves, so does your ability to discern when you're being used, for instance. But it also becomes harder to make friends easily as you get older. Factor in other things, and it's easier than you might imagine to end up with hardly any friends at all, especially if you live in a rural area.

HairyShins · 31/01/2022 18:41

@dottyharmer what a horrible woman. Would you have wanted to be friends with someone who would say something like that?

charliebear78 · 31/01/2022 18:51

I am lonely-I have my partner and children,Plus parents and in laws..We have a busy life and make the time to spend with our parents.
However I am lonely because I have no friends anymore! No one to call up and moan/laugh with.
It has happened gradually over the Years,My two friends slowly faded away in the Lockdowns and although I have made the effort to try and arrange get togethers there is always an excuse why they can't!!
It has got to the point now I simply have stopped contacting them and I have not heard from one almost a Year now!
It makes me sad and upsets me when I see others off out for lunches and walks with their friends.
I would love this!
I worry what this will bring for me in my later Years..

MyGlassKeepsLeaking · 31/01/2022 19:02

This
coronabeer Mon 31-Jan-22 11:27:04
It's rarely as simple as you say.

Depression, for example can make a person withdraw from social life - and as loneliness increases, so too can the depression.

Lonely people can both crave company and fear it.

Fear of rejection can make it difficult to join social events of any sort, let alone attempt to initiate them.

Loneliness itself is a stigma - lots of people seem to think there must be something wrong with a person that they are alone, so they are effectively shunned.

I'm recovering from being really ill last year, so can't yet return to work. Husband works F/T, adult children and my friends all work and have their own lives. I've lost a lot of confidence, so don't feel good about going out alone. I've joined a club once a week, which I enjoy, but the others there are a lot older than me. I go with a neighbour to an exercise class but it's only for an hour, twice a week . I'm trying to get my life together but it isn't easy.

catfunk · 31/01/2022 19:03

@JanisMoplin I know what you mean. But I worry about when he's old and physically frail - if I'm gone before him .... I don't think he'll have anyone to keep an eye on him or notice if something happens to him! (No dc)

thepeopleversuswork · 31/01/2022 19:06

@giveyou2reasons

I'm one who doesn't feel the need for many people in my daily life. A "DH is my best friend" person. If I outlive him, I trust that I will be able to find a friend, if I want more interaction than I get from my family. After all, I won't be the only one who's lost their best friend and doesn't have a large group of close friends to fill in the gap. I can be friendly and sociable, but I don't need a lot of people to feel happy in my day-to-day life, and there's nothing wrong being satisfied with less social interaction.

Yes, sometimes people are lonely because of their actions. People bring all sorts of things on themselves. In my case, I'd rather live my life as I wish. Stressing myself over spending my life maintaining extraneous relationships I don't currently need or desire only because I might outlive my DH and end up feeling lonely... seems rather strange to me!

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but why wouldn't you plan to increase your social circle just a bit to give you the protection? Do you have kids and don't you worry about the sort of signal that this sends to them?

My DP is my best friend too, I love his company. But no way on earth would I restrict my social life to him and him only. It's an insular, self-limiting and risky way to live. It seems so minor just to keep your friendship networks up -- even in a light touch way. I really to struggle to understand how anyone could justify not doing this. It seems like investing all your money in a single company stock and expecting it all to come good.

MyGlassKeepsLeaking · 31/01/2022 19:06

DottyHarmer What a horrible woman she must be.

HairyShins · 31/01/2022 19:06

@Phobiaphobic I agree. When you stop putting up with shoddy behaviour and raise your standards you lose people.

It makes you realise that people you thought were friends, aren't.

Boombastic22 · 31/01/2022 19:09

OP YANBU. I don’t think people realise how much time and effort it takes to maintain friendships. It takes loads! And also an ability to let things go, realise when you should move on. And people can be very needy and self absorbed, true friends support each other through everything but it’s got to be two way. People can be so draining and non appreciative and it’s often those who are lonely.

WhatNoRaisins · 31/01/2022 19:10

I think a lot of people don't like to admit that you can put yourself "out there" and actively try to cultivate new relationships through groups or volunteering or trying to talk to people and still end up with nothing. Sometimes you simply can't find the right people.

ChangingLife · 31/01/2022 19:13

@Boombastic22 you’ll try and convince us that having friends I shared work and you are amazing people to be able to achieve that….

Once again, to be able to maintain friendship, you need to have friendships to maintain first.
As many people have said in this thread, it’s not easy to make friends as an adult. There are many reasons why some adults don’t have friends in the first place. And that’s so talking about older people and their very specific circumstances….

HairyShins · 31/01/2022 19:17

@giveyou2reasons it's great that you have such a strong relationship.

I'd worry though that if I was so dependent on one person and lost them, I 'd be too vulnerable and hurting to just suddenly join a book club and make friends. Plus, as you can see from this thread it's not necessarily a given you'll suddenly find friends, and even if you did, someone you've known a month, is unlikely to be able to offer enough of the right type of support.

You can have an amazing marriage and friends.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2022 19:21

@Phobiaphobic

Loneliness can be a particular problem for those who've worked on improving their psychological health and outgrown existing friendships. Old friendships made in our earlier years often turn out to be based on terms you no longer find acceptable - as your mental health improves, so does your ability to discern when you're being used, for instance. But it also becomes harder to make friends easily as you get older. Factor in other things, and it's easier than you might imagine to end up with hardly any friends at all, especially if you live in a rural area.
Oh yes. Very good point. I've had some very negative friends in the past. Our joint activity was being miserable together. And there's also the frenemy you can't always get rid of because it would leave you excluded from social activities.
Oblomov22 · 31/01/2022 19:22

Is this programme American? I didn't realise how much anxiety there was, or dysfunctional families, were so much the norm, until I came to MN.

HairyShins · 31/01/2022 19:26

@Boombastic22 again, that's once you have someone's number. If there isn't a friendship to begin with you can't be a good or bad friend.

MrsIglesias · 31/01/2022 19:29

It must be awful but I agree that there is a lot of passivity and self pity sometimes. Why don't you make the effort and go out and support people rather than expecting others to come towards you? People who have lots and/or good friendship have had to work at it. There's also pride i think, not persisting or ditching friends at the slightest excuse rather than trying to work it out. For some reason they always expect others to make the effort. Its a kind of powerlessness and lack of confidence though. A feeling that they don't have the power to make things happen but have to wait for others to.

Tufty383 · 31/01/2022 19:31

I know that I'll be lonely when I'm older. I've got crohns disease, I can't exercise, I'm very uncomfortable in situations where leaving to use the toilet would draw attention (eg.church, theatre,cinema, meetings) I have to be very careful what I eat so struggle with meals out. I've got friends but I don't get to see them often. I have one DS who I'm determined I won't burden, I want him to go and live his life. If DH goes before me I'm basically screwed! I'm hoping I'll go first as he's very social.

Sowhatifiam · 31/01/2022 19:31

You totally lack empathy, OP. Life is way more complex than you want to believe.

I suppose what you really want is validation that because you have family and friends around you, you're a great person and those of us who may struggle in that department, well that's our fault?

I have no family left. I had no siblings. My parents had no siblings. None of that is my fault. I have friends and I have children. Who knows what will happen down the line? Why must it be my fault if my children make decisions that move them away from me, or prohibit them from regular visiting, or they work long hours, or they get spouses who have families too who also want to see them?

LINABE · 31/01/2022 19:36

@OutwiththeOutCrowd

People are often at their least attractive and least able to present themselves as good friendship/companionship material when they need the most compassion and help. I think that should to be factored in.
This is a big part of it unfortunately.
designedtolast · 31/01/2022 19:49

I'm lonely because I have got to the point where I have eliminated soul sucking cheeky f's out of my life. I have gone above and beyond and noticed most of my friendships, even those that are closest such as cousins are only there for you if they need something and never there for you. Im not a socially awkward person. I am fun, loving, kind and thoughtful person when I should have friends that should last a lifetime but I haven't found those friends unfortunately. I can make friends easily and I have a couple I can meet for coffee which is nice but with the pandemic, people have moved on.

Once you get married or find a partner and then have kids, your life is full. Then if you're working, your colleagues become the social thing that is missing from your life and on weekends, you are busy catching up on life admin, kids activities and visiting parents/in-laws and then it's Monday again and it starts all over again.

woodhill · 31/01/2022 19:53

Yes so true about work and family

woodhill · 31/01/2022 19:54

I've become less bothered about socialising since lockdown

TillyTopper · 31/01/2022 19:54

I think your view is very unreasonable. I don't think it's that simple in real life OP. For example, my DMum is 94, honestly her whole family (apart from me and her brother) and all her friends have died. Her 1 brother emigrated to Australia in 70's. My DDad died 2 years ago. She is now disabled as well (due to old age).

How upbeat do you think she feels? How should she go out and make friends? I'm sure there are lots of parallel situations for many people that find themselves in this situation whether old or not.

Swipe left for the next trending thread