To think a lot of lonely people have brought it on themselves?

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

Just been watching a channel 4 thing on YouTube about lonely people
Most of them were like-no one calls…. They don’t see anyone all day
They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else

Just think people need to think more about what they are doing
They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit
Yet don’t stop to pause to think have I been a good parent am I draining or overly negative

Or they could think right no one’s called me, who am I going to call
How am I going to make and keep some friends

I have a relative and to an extent her loneliness is her 'fault'. She's a divorced 'empty nester' and really doesn't have 'local' friends nor a serious romantic partner. But she complains about loneliness and lack of both. Her DC do call her, but her loneliness is because she never gets out of the house to socialize 'in person'.

But all suggestions fall on deaf ears. She doesn't want to volunteer anywhere, go to meetups, try online dating (can't really fault that), join a club, go to church (she is a 'believer), take a class, take up a hobby. There is a 'gentleman', but she keeps him very much at arm's length and sees him only when she feels 'lonely'. He doesn't sit around and wait for her so he's often busy when she does call him. So yes, to an extent her loneliness is her own fault.

"My 16 and 17 year old would do fantastically in a youth group, away from school, but there are none any more."

None? No youth clubs? No scouts?

All of my grandparents were religious. The one still alive gets lonely at times but he volunteers as a prayer councillor. The church can be a very imlortant social hub to stave off loneliness for some people.

Yeah it’s all their own fault op.

I’m similar to a lot of pp; moved for work when I was in early 30s. Didn’t fit with the colleagues who were married and/or had DC and was a lot older (and not really into partying) than the younger ones who went partying. Everyone was friendly and we had a laugh at work but nothing more.

I worked shifts now, as then and it’s really hard to join anything as I do alternate weeks early/late so I can’t commit to much like a book club, for example as I can’t go half of the time. I do martial arts and have people I’m friendly with, but nothing more than a smile/quick chat at either end of the class.
No one is ever actively unpleasant (to my face anyway) but I’ve never got any further than having a chat in class.

I have one old friend from school; since she had DC, she just isn’t that interested and if we meet up, always has one eye on her watch/phone. I also have an ex-colleague who I’ve stayed in touch with, but it’s always me who has to make the effort as she has loads of other friends much more local and I suspect I wouldn’t be a big loss.

I don’t think it’s anything I’ve done; I’m not a terrible person. I do think it’s VERY hard as someone without DC as the parents tend to exclude me as “you don’t know what it’s like”. They seem to make time to have nights out/meals/weekends away with their parent friends though 🤷‍♀️.

The world has changed, if you're busy with work/life and never go anywhere you won't naturally meet people, like school or uni. YOU have to go out, YOU have to send people messages, arrange things.

If you won't do that fine but don't moan about it. Social anxiety, introversion blah2 everyone has loads of excuses for why they think they don't need to make any effort.

But I don't have anyone to contact to arrange anything with. Where do I meet people when nothing seems to fit around my work/DH work/transport/DS?

I thought moving closer to a city would help make things more accessible, that there would be more options, but it hasn't helped because the times didn't work - I couldn't be somewhere at 7pm when DH didn't get home from work until 7pm, and even if I could there were then transport issues getting home again at 8 or 9pm.

"Compare that to friend of mine living in the centre of city who can meet people, make friedns etc"

In cities you have more groups and clubs etc. but people don't know their neighbours and you never bump into anybody or get to know people well because you come across them them all the time. Cities can be lonely too.

"There's only so many times a person can suggest meeting up and be turned down before they have to give up."

Very true.

@Picklypickles do you think your grandad could be persuaded to move back closer to his family and your grandmother be able to move to a home in that area?

If anyone is lonely and has any interest in yoga or meditation I highly recommend joining classes at your local Buddhist centre.

You don't have to be a Buddhist, many people aren't, and the community is lovely. It's so friendly and inclusive. Many of the activities don't involve the religious side of things. I've met so many lovely people, gone on retreats, and even over Christmas gone to classes.

"I also have friends I might not speak to for 6 months, then we reconnect and really enjoy it."

This works because you have other friends you see more often. Imagine the once every six month person was your only friend. You'd be too hurt to even speak to them, wouldn't you?
I have been thinking lately (but I have been 'under a dark cloud' so maybe not totally rational) that people who can only spare me a short time eg an hour for coffee are worse than nothing. By the time I start to relax they are off and I'm left feeling shit with many days of no contact ahead of me (compulsory wfh).

I think some lonely people come with so much baggage it can be hard to connect with them.

I have a neighbour who is lovely but I try to dodge her unless I have a lot of time because she's always keen (bordering on desperate) to chat and she talks and talks, like she wants to offload everything she's been thinking and done and eaten since she saw me last.

And a couple of people in my family complain that no-one sees them, but they are so negative all the time. Everything is shit, they have a headache, didn't slept well, leg hurts, no money, nothing's on TV, weather's crap. If I make them food they don't thank me. If I take them somewhere they trudge along with their heads down and only perk up when they find something to whinge about. I accept that's how they are, but I don't want to be around it more than I have to be.

"- good luck! Finding friends as an adult is very difficult. I went to a book club at the library and it was excruciating. Twice people asked me to move so they could sit next to their friends; the second time there were no more chairs, and I had to go and get one and form a row of one behind everyone else blush. At the half-time break I stood there smiling pleasantly like a freak as everyone ignored me. I am still cringing with embarrassment three years later."

Some clubs are for people coming by themselves and others for people who go in groups and you can't know in advance which is which.
I went to a women's club and everyone was incredibly friendly and welcoming, but it was clear that going alone was really not the done thing and very strange. I had to ask for permission to join a group and it was just extremely hard work. I never went back.

I worry about DP for this if I die before him. He's extremely introverted and I'm the one who makes the effort with friends etc.

@LovelyYellowLabrador

Oh yes, I know it’s a lot harder for some than others, esp if your depressed or shy And I’m Only speaking broadly

Just wish people would realise they need to invest time in people
Make friendships
Put the effort in to sustain friendships even when your busy with kids work life the dog etc
As it’s so important

I know what you mean.

Broadly speaking, of course there are so many reasons why people don't or can't sustain friendships - people who are depressed, anxious, disabled, too elderly etc. etc.

However, I know many people who have none of those issues but just don't put time and effort into personal relationships because they cba. It's a shame as they're lovely people, some I'd like to be closer with, but friendship is a two way street.

@Thehouseofmarvels

All of my grandparents were religious. The one still alive gets lonely at times but he volunteers as a prayer councillor. The church can be a very imlortant social hub to stave off loneliness for some people.

Yep, but many churches are full of very old people and any younger people who go are likely to be couples with children. I found that those couples didn't want to talk to me as a single person. This was when I was in my 30s. There was a 20s-30s club, but they were all in their twenties. Even my dgf said he was shut out of his local town because the focus of the community had moved from the chapel to the pub (he'd made a vow never to darken the door of a pub when he married dgm).

@catfunk

I worry about DP for this if I die before him. He's extremely introverted and I'm the one who makes the effort with friends etc.

I honestly think many men don't need friends. My DH doesn't. He is completely self-sufficient.

@ElftonWednesday

Lonely doesn't necessarily mean alone. You can feel lonely in a relationship or family, or at work.

Absolutely!

I’m an introvert and feel loneliest in a group of people. I’m fine on my own or with one or two friends or my close family, but I hate any more than that, and feel stupidly lonely.

Going back to the bringing it upon yourself thing - years ago my mum had a small hairdressing salon in a very upmarket residential home for retired gentlefolk! They were all very active and social, but my mum said the most isolated were the deaf ones. People made a huge effort with the visually impaired, but not the hard of hearing. It’s terribly sad.

I’m some ways you’re right - some lonely people probably haven’t made enough effort, but for others it’s circumstantial. You absolutely shouldn’t generalise.

@Gwenhwyfar

"- good luck! Finding friends as an adult is very difficult. I went to a book club at the library and it was excruciating. Twice people asked me to move so they could sit next to their friends; the second time there were no more chairs, and I had to go and get one and form a row of one behind everyone else blush. At the half-time break I stood there smiling pleasantly like a freak as everyone ignored me. I am still cringing with embarrassment three years later."

Some clubs are for people coming by themselves and others for people who go in groups and you can't know in advance which is which.
I went to a women's club and everyone was incredibly friendly and welcoming, but it was clear that going alone was really not the done thing and very strange. I had to ask for permission to join a group and it was just extremely hard work. I never went back.

I disgree - I made some of my closest lifelong friends just before turning 30.

Friends can come along at any stage, as long as you stay open to it.

DH’s aunt was a lonely woman. Im going back to the late 70’s here when her husband left her. He was a director of a company when she married him, and she knew at some point his job would take him elsewhere. They were loaded, and every nice house she found a fault and refused to move (just in the UK). After many years he left, stayed in his job and she never saw him again.

She clinged on to DH’s mum (aunt had no kids), refused to mingle with other women at things like coffee mornings, bingo whatever. Apart from MIL snd DH he was a miserable old woman. Bitter and really though she was better that others.

@Gwenhwyfar - then I wish such clubs would say, “No lone saddos welcome” on their website!

I met a woman on a course, and we got on well, and she suggested a coffee at a later date. We met up, had a good chat, and then she said, “I have a lot of friends at the moment, but if I have a vacancy, I’ll get in touch.” I was flabbergasted but grinned weakly and then slunk off. I have such mortifying experiences! Or perhaps I’m too thin skinned and analyse everything and die a hundred times afterwards.

I'm lonely because I struggle with people. Def. down to me. Def. not my kids job to fill in the gap. I do agree with you that a wide sweeping problem in todays society is the blame culture. Nothing is our fault and if you point that out to someone you are being cruel and uncaring.

[quote shinynewapple22]@Picklypickles do you think your grandad could be persuaded to move back closer to his family and your grandmother be able to move to a home in that area? [/quote]
Sadly no, he has always been very stubborn, he is a proud Cornishman through and through and that's where he wants to be. I don't know how easy it would be to find a space in a nursing home in Devon, it was hard enough getting her into one in Cornwall to begin with. She was in hospital for 3 months after a fall before a space was found for her.

He isn't completely alone, he lives in the same flat in a sheltered housing block for the elderly he has lived in for the past 20 years with nan, my nan's sister lives just down the road. But still, it was hugely upsetting for him when nan went into the home, it must be so very quiet in that flat with her not there.

@Gwenhwyfar, nope, no youth clubs in our part of town, similar to what we had in our local town year ago, none. My girls are 16 and 17 and not interested in scout type activities now, what they would like to do is hang out with friends, but the only place to do that (which they do do) is the local park which is also frequented by the local druggies.

I don't think it's any secret that funding for youth groups and Sure Start centres has all been removed, austerity is real (and the local homeless/drug dependent people's funding has also been cut which is why they are in the park quite a lot of the day).

They often go out but they can't go drinking til 18 obviously, and they do go to friend's houses a bit but there's no community or local space they could go.

[quote DottyHarmer]@Gwenhwyfar - then I wish such clubs would say, “No lone saddos welcome” on their website!

I met a woman on a course, and we got on well, and she suggested a coffee at a later date. We met up, had a good chat, and then she said, “I have a lot of friends at the moment, but if I have a vacancy, I’ll get in touch.” I was flabbergasted but grinned weakly and then slunk off. I have such mortifying experiences! Or perhaps I’m too thin skinned and analyse everything and die a hundred times afterwards.[/quote]
This was vile of her. You are are definitely not too thin skinned if you objected to that. I would have let you down gently, or not at all ( given she was the one who suggested coffee).