Page 10 | To think a lot of lonely people have brought it on themselves?

LovelyYellowLabrador · 2022-01-31T11:12:56+00:00

Just been watching a channel 4 thing on YouTube about lonely people Most of them were like-no one calls…. They don’t see anyone all day They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else Just think people need to think more about what they are doing They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit Yet don’t stop to pause to think have I been a good parent am I draining or overly negative Or they could think right no one’s called me, who am I going to call How am I going to make and keep some friends

UnicornsReal · 31/01/2022 19:55

It would be lovely if people could find out if they live near each other on this thread. Great friendships might be formed!

LaChanticleer · 31/01/2022 20:09

YABU and rather unimaginative.

bloodywhitecat · 31/01/2022 20:19

You'd be surprised at the speed 'friends' disappear when you are faced with the terminal illness of your spouse.

Ricekrispiebun · 31/01/2022 20:26

I think its the kind of thing that is not black or white. I have dealt with health problems from a young age and am also neurodiverse (ADHD). I have always been the kind of person who has been there for friends but have been stabbed in the back or ghosted so many times, that it leaves it's emotional scars after a while. Sadly some people are just unlucky when it comes to meeting the wrong people and they tend to withdraw. There can be a lot of variables in finding difficulty in friendships including disability, being bullied or past trauma, moving a lot throughout life and bereavement (I lost a partner and best friend within 3 years and both were only in their 30's).

user1497207191 · 31/01/2022 20:28

@designedtolast

I have got to the point where I have eliminated soul sucking cheeky f's out of my life. I have gone above and beyond and noticed most of my friendships, even those that are closest such as cousins are only there for you if they need something and never there for you.

Very similar here. My only relative (bar OH & DS) is my brother and I have very little contact as he shows zero interest in us and only contacts us when he needs something or wants to show off a new car or similar. He never asks how we are, even though he knows OH has incurable cancer. He never asked how we got on after a car accident. He never asks about DS, never congratulated him on passing his driving test, passing his school exams, nor getting a top Uni place. He basically ignores us until it’s to his benefit. I’ve had enough of it and if I end up lonely and not seeing him in old age, then I don’t really care. We’ve never had any arguments or fallings out, but he’s just self obsessed.

mathanxiety · 31/01/2022 20:29

There's a lot of truth in your comment, @Kelly7889

user1497207191 · 31/01/2022 20:29

@bloodywhitecat

You'd be surprised at the speed 'friends' disappear when you are faced with the terminal illness of your spouse.

And relatives too!

Cameleongirl · 31/01/2022 20:41

@Sowhatifiam

You totally lack empathy, OP. Life is way more complex than you want to believe.

I suppose what you really want is validation that because you have family and friends around you, you're a great person and those of us who may struggle in that department, well that's our fault?

I have no family left. I had no siblings. My parents had no siblings. None of that is my fault. I have friends and I have children. Who knows what will happen down the line? Why must it be my fault if my children make decisions that move them away from me, or prohibit them from regular visiting, or they work long hours, or they get spouses who have families too who also want to see them?

@Sowhatifiam. I don’t think the OP is singling out people who don’t have much family through no fault of their own, though. I’m in a similar boat to you just have my elderly Dad left, plus my own family. The OP is wondering why some people don’t form friendships outside their families, or perhaps even alienate family members. You and I aren’t doing that. Tbh, my BFF is like the big sister I don’t have….she has three sisters of her own, but is closer to me than them.

Darbs76 · 31/01/2022 20:53

You do have to work at friendships and some people dont. So I do agree from that respect

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/01/2022 21:05

@Notanewusertool

I have a neighbour who is in a dreadfully sad position. All alone, estranged from her only daughter & her beloved husband died suddenly a few months ago at a relatively young age (60s). I have been trying to support her, but I am starting to resent it. She is quite demanding and, as awful as it sounds, has made no effort to improve her life herself (if it was me I'd be taking steps to sell the large valuable house she lives in and move into a lovely place with communal gardens and a warden). The fact is, i have lived next door for 10 years, and she made no effort to get to know me (whereas I knew her husband quite well). I got to know her a bit during her husband's illness, and now he's gone, i feel like she expects too much of me, when I don't really feel like I owe her anything other than human decency.

I think versions of this scenario play out quite reguarly....

People with 'difficult relational styles'... Who make zero effort /difficult to be around...

Then suddenly wind up lonely whrn theur partners die... There is no one left whi is attached to them... So acquaintances feel put upon.

RobotValkyrie · 31/01/2022 21:23

Yeah, that's right, I've got no friends because I got on my bike to find a job far away from my home town (and my abusive parents), then worked my ass of to make a living without relying on benefits, then all my waking hours are now being entirely consumed by caring for a disabled child on top of everything else. Totally brought this on myself, didn't I?

For god's sake, just fuck off, OP.
I'd rather be lonely than spend time with the likes of you.

HelloFrostyMorning · 31/01/2022 22:16

Nice thread.

latetothefisting · 31/01/2022 22:29

@RobotValkyrie

Yeah, that's right, I've got no friends because I got on my bike to find a job far away from my home town (and my abusive parents), then worked my ass of to make a living without relying on benefits, then all my waking hours are now being entirely consumed by caring for a disabled child on top of everything else. Totally brought this on myself, didn't I?

For god's sake, just fuck off, OP.
I'd rather be lonely than spend time with the likes of you.

to be fair - a person who swears and hurls insults at a poster on an online forum for starting a fairly innocuous question, goes from 1-100 instantly and takes personal offence at a general comment isn't someone I'd probably be up for being mates with in RL. same to @lemongrasstea who did the same thing.

Fine if you disagree with OP - lots of people do but nearly everyone else on the thread has managed to do so politely without telling her to fuck off.

Ceramide · 31/01/2022 23:05

People are often at their least attractive and least able to present themselves as good friendship/companionship material when they need the most compassion and help. I think that should to be factored in.

This is one of the wisest and most compassionate posts I have ever seen on MN

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 31/01/2022 23:13

The loneliest person i know has unrealistic expectations of others, and he is hard work. I stay in touch with him out of guilt mainly. That sounds terrible, I know. But if it weren't for me keeping in touch he would have no-one.

Kdubs1981 · 31/01/2022 23:22

[quote Kenwouldmixitup]@Kdubs1981 - people describe feeling this way because they essentially don’t feel a sense of authentic connection. It can simply be a room full of people making idle chit chat.,

Interested to read your analysis beyond ‘rubbish’.[/quote]
Thank you for patronising explanation of the experience of loneliness. I am fully aware that loneliness can be a subjective perception rather than an objectively measured "fact" relating to number of social contacts. My understanding of human relationships and the human experience is relatively sophistication given what I do for a living.

Allow me to elaborate....

Stating as @Kelly7889 did that loneliness "is a state of mind" is perpetuating the blaming bullshit on this thread and my hasty comment in the middle of a working day was a knee jerk response to my irritation at the privileged and overly simplistic analysis of WHY people are lonely.

The statement loneliness is a state of mind is inherently blaming and completely ignores the fact that people, especially the elderly literally go weeks without speaking to ANYONE. Because they have no one. That kind of loneliness is not a "state of mind" that people should be able to think "positively" and get themselves out of it.

Willyoujustbequiet · 01/02/2022 00:03

I think that's a very naive point of view.

I'm lonely because a lot of my loved ones have died.

claretblue79 · 01/02/2022 01:17

I find this thread insensitive. There might be many complex reasons why people are lonely and perhaps isolated. One thing I have learned is that you never know what has got someone to the position they are currently in and what rejections they have faced. I’m not surprised some posters have reacted angrily to the inflammatory subject header. Always easier to blame rather than understand.

Jannt86 · 01/02/2022 04:17

YABU and judgemental. Yes there's people who don't make enough effort or who are unnecessarily unkind/unfriendly or lack the self-awareness to have a social circle but there's others who work their butts off to avoid being lonely and are just the kind of person who doesn't matter to other people. Being a parent especially can be extremely isolating at at time when you're desperate to fit in for your child(rens) sake if nothing else. Being told by a total stranger who knows nothing about your background that it's basically your fault is incredibly unhelpful...

Sinuhe · 01/02/2022 07:15

I always found, that to build and maintain a good social circle, you need time and money.

The truth is, that having a young family and working full time has almost killed all my friendships.
It's easy to say we need to invest more into this area of our life. To say its your own fault for not having friends.

Truth is, I have a lot of acquaintances through the kids clubs and work... but I wouldn't consider them as friends. I don't socialise with them outside the "main event " because I don't have time or a reliable baby sitter, or money for a cup of coffee/ meal out... I think there are a lot of people who are in exactly the same situation.

Maybe as the DC get older and less dependent, things will change...

whitewashing · 01/02/2022 07:36

@RobotValkyrie

Yeah, that's right, I've got no friends because I got on my bike to find a job far away from my home town (and my abusive parents), then worked my ass of to make a living without relying on benefits, then all my waking hours are now being entirely consumed by caring for a disabled child on top of everything else. Totally brought this on myself, didn't I?

For god's sake, just fuck off, OP.
I'd rather be lonely than spend time with the likes of you.

No friends you say? Why can that be I wonder…?

Spookytooth · 01/02/2022 07:58

It might be ageist to say it but often one generation does not have much to say to another.
My elderly DM used to talk mostly about local gossip - which wasn't of itnerest to me as I didn't live there. And any health issues. Spending two afternoons a week was more than enough, though we got on well.
With my adult DCs - it's what's in the news, best netflix series but I'm sure they find me quite dull sometimes.

GrolliffetheDragon · 01/02/2022 08:07

It seems so minor just to keep your friendship networks up -- even in a light touch way.

But you need that friendship network in the first place, I haven't had that since school, and I lost it because of bullying not because I didn't work at it.

WhatNoRaisins · 01/02/2022 08:08

We are a very age segregated society, we are educated in year groups, we are taught stranger danger which basically means treat any strange adult like a threat and many of us don't live near extended family.

When I left education and found myself trying to socialize in the wide world it was a real adjustment. I'd join things and be the only one my age and I really didn't like it. I didn't seem to have any common ground with other people and remember trying and failing to seek out groups for say 20-25 year olds in the hope of finding people I could connect with.

I don't think you can raise children to be wary of strange adults and then just expect them to hit 18 and start seeing them as peers.

felulageller · 01/02/2022 08:18

There was a time in my life when I was very lonely. I'm quite offended at the insinuation that it was my fault!

I had a DC before my friends. That killed most of my friendships. They couldn't adjust to me needing to arrange a babysitter well in advance to go out. They all worked during the day during the week whereas I was home alone with a baby.

I have a tiny family, who are spread out/ not sociable and in some cases abusive.

Other friends 'disappeared' whenever they'd get a new DP.

Being made redundant/ unemployed/ a carer meant there was no opportunity for work friends.

I couldn't do hobbies/ gym/ clubs/ groups due to aforementioned lack of babysitter.

Baby groups/ school gates I found cliquey.

Months would go by where I'd barely speak to a soul other than the health visitor.

So thanks for blaming me for how miserable that time was.