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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a lot of lonely people have brought it on themselves?

557 replies

LovelyYellowLabrador · 31/01/2022 11:12

Just been watching a channel 4 thing on YouTube about lonely people
Most of them were like-no one calls…. They don’t see anyone all day
They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else

Just think people need to think more about what they are doing
They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit
Yet don’t stop to pause to think have I been a good parent am I draining or overly negative

Or they could think right no one’s called me, who am I going to call
How am I going to make and keep some friends

OP posts:
HairyShins · 31/01/2022 16:29

I'm lonely. I have family and aquatences (sp!) but no "friend, friends" or even anyone to just pop for a coffee with.

I've tried to make friends, I really have. But for whatever reason they don't stick.

I joined a club a few months back as a complete beginner, knowing no one. I smiled, asked questions, was interested in people, made the effort to remember facts about people over the weeks etc without being desperate or insincere. Another beginner joined a week after me who also didn't know anyone. She's now well and truly "friended up" with the people in the group. I watched as it happened and I have no idea what she did differently to me.

When my children grow up I suspect it will just be my husband and I but not through lack of trying on my part. It scares me tbh.

Calennig · 31/01/2022 16:30

- good luck! Finding friends as an adult is very difficult. I went to a book club at the library and it was excruciating. Twice people asked me to move so they could sit next to their friends; the second time there were no more chairs, and I had to go and get one and form a row of one behind everyone else blush. At the half-time break I stood there smiling pleasantly like a freak as everyone ignored me. I am still cringing with embarrassment three years later.

I can relate to that and sometimes I stuck it out and keep at it and it's never got anywhere. Same with volunteering had very mixed experiences being messed around or more and more pushed at me beyond what was agreed often with an unpleasant attitude towards me I though it was my failing byt MIL had friends with very similar stories.

I think in both cases it's finding the right group but if time money or confidence are in short supply it can feel like a huge risk to even try and more trying and not working out makes it harder next time.

Plus we've moved a lot and some places are much harder than others to meet people - and times in life which are busier are also harder.

I do think some people could do more - certainly thought that with my DP at times - but also there can be a whole load of not immedately obvious obstacles.

Kenwouldmixitup · 31/01/2022 16:34

I’m lonely and have a good group of friends. I live alone now so do not have that one emotional connection. I work hard to maintain friendships and they are really important to me, but I still feel lonely.,

Cameleongirl · 31/01/2022 16:36

I completely agree that it's about finding the right group when you try a club or hobby. I used to belong to a toxic book club and it was awful, so cliquey. I left, they didn't want me and tbh, I don't want to be friends with cliquey people! Sometimes it works, sometimes not, and it's best to walk away when it's not working.

sillysmiles · 31/01/2022 16:37

I've seen several comments on MN about not knowing your neighbours at all, and I've always wondered why people don't want to know them?

I don't live in an estate but I don't know a lot of my neighbours, because I don't get home until 7pm, we all live in one off houses - so no talking in driveways. People with small children do not want "callers" after 7pm.

JanisMoplin · 31/01/2022 16:37

I really don't want to make it appear that I am some kind of expert. I am not.
But just before the pandemic I decided to be brave and ask some people on Twitter in my own profession if they wanted to meet and form a Whatsapp group to "network". One said no. 5 said yes. We have only met once in person as we are all scattered but we have all become really good 'friends'. Their Whatsapp msgs got me through the pandemic.

DH is an introvert too and I have to really be proactive. I get knocked back too sometimes.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 31/01/2022 16:38

@DottyHarmer

I watch a lot of the Talking Pictures channel (old films and tv programmes - very good!) and they have a segment called Glimpses which is old information films. I saw one on Social Clubs (attached to workplaces or communities) and thought how marvellous they were. Not just the usual table tennis, but people doing Shakespeare courses, woodworking (both sexes), all sorts of hobbies.

My ds as a 22-year-old would like something like this. He is wfh and has no “real” work colleagues. His friends are all stuck in their bedrooms too, and the only socialising option is the pub which is expensive. Ds is panicking he will be one of “those” blokes aged 40 in his parents’ house and he’ll never find a girlfriend Shock

It's a possibility unfortunately. There aren't many places where you can socialise if you don't have money to spend. Working from home all the time isn't healthy at all. No after work drinks on a Friday, no bonds with colleagues, it's really bad for people.

I've got an acquiantance from when I was younger. He doesn't work from home but he works nights so little opportunity to socialise or date. The years have gone by and he has now become that 40 year old single man still living with his mum. No wife, no kids, very few friends. I know some people choose that life which is great for them but I get the feeling if he could go back, he'd have done things differently.

ChangingLife · 31/01/2022 16:41

I think people want to jump straight to the end result of 'friendship'- the going out/dropping in for coffee stage- without the legwork of going week in, week out to Babygroup/church/choir etc.

You need to have the baby group/choir etc... to go to. And then you still need to gel with those people. And they need to actually want to talk to you too.

Going for a coffe with someone is not something so outrageous that you can't possibly do that with someone you've met once.

And some groups ARE a clique that isn't open to others. It's easy to say that people just need to keep goping. But that';s not what's happening. You can go to the sam group for years and still you won't be accepted. You can see school mums for the whole of primary, make an effort to soeak to them etc and they STILL will see you as an outsider and stay in their clique.
Maybe we also need to have people 'who don;t have a problem with friendship' to acknowledge their part too...

OldTinHat · 31/01/2022 16:41

YABVU

Taswama · 31/01/2022 16:42

I'm frequently lonely and I go through phases of organising to meet up with friends so I have something to look forward to every week. But for most of those friends, they don't make an effort to organise something themselves or even send a text / WhatsApp to see how things are.

So saying people need to make more effort is quite harsh, as it takes two people to maintain a relationship.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 31/01/2022 16:42

@Pyri

There are lots of reasons, some very sad (ie old people where basically everyone they know has died)

But reading some of these threads - where posters say they don’t need friends because they have a husband and child; or the ones where people cut off friends and family for very small reasons - I wonder if they realise how lonely they will be in years to come when they’re widowed and their children have flown the nest.

Relationships wax and wane, and sometimes you’re closer to people than others. I think that’s ok, but not everyone on here does

I do agree with this. So many people on MN seem to revel in cutting off everyone outside their own household. It's seen as a massive imposition if the wider family or friends want to spend time with you (and god forbid that they invite you to a wedding...).

But children grow up and leave, and your spouse/partner may die or depart. Also, it is unfair to burden children with fulfilling all a parent's social needs. Some of these families sound so claustrophobic and inward-facing. You wonder what is going to happen when the kids start to want to spend more time outside the family.

Larryyourwaiter · 31/01/2022 16:43

I think you can get exhausted trying. I’ve done the clubs thing before and not gone anywhere, clique behaviour being the main problem. How many times do you keep trying before you give up.

The thing I’m amazed at is the number of people I know who aren’t very nice people who have tons of friends. One in particular (I’m friends because our children are) is incredibly self centred and talks about herself non stop and seems to lack empathy for others. Tons of friends.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2022 16:47

"They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else"

I have no sympathy for those who cut off their friends when they got married so I'm with you there.

"They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit"
That's not fair. Their adult children need to have their own lives.

On the other hand, lots of other things happen. Some people just don't have very good social skills (I include myself to some extent) and if you lose the habit of contacting people it can be very hard to start again. Some people are unpopular even if they're nice people - for example others may find them boring or they just don't 'fit in'.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 31/01/2022 16:47

@HairyShins

I'm lonely. I have family and aquatences (sp!) but no "friend, friends" or even anyone to just pop for a coffee with.

I've tried to make friends, I really have. But for whatever reason they don't stick.

I joined a club a few months back as a complete beginner, knowing no one. I smiled, asked questions, was interested in people, made the effort to remember facts about people over the weeks etc without being desperate or insincere. Another beginner joined a week after me who also didn't know anyone. She's now well and truly "friended up" with the people in the group. I watched as it happened and I have no idea what she did differently to me.

When my children grow up I suspect it will just be my husband and I but not through lack of trying on my part. It scares me tbh.

That sounds tough, but don't give up. I've moved around a lot with work. Sometimes I find it easy to make friends, sometimes I just don't gel with anyone. I'm the same me (for better or worse) each time, obviously 😀, I think it's just a matter of luck sometimes.

You were brave to start a club alone, and it must feel like a rejection, but it really just means you haven't found the right group for you yet.

HairyShins · 31/01/2022 16:49

Why don't I know my neighbours?
One isn't very nice, some work odd hours, some aren't interested in anything more than a smile, some are best avoided, some don't speak english...

JanisMoplin · 31/01/2022 16:50

@Taswama

I'm frequently lonely and I go through phases of organising to meet up with friends so I have something to look forward to every week. But for most of those friends, they don't make an effort to organise something themselves or even send a text / WhatsApp to see how things are. So saying people need to make more effort is quite harsh, as it takes two people to maintain a relationship.
Def agree with this. I am the organiser and the one who always makes the effort. But have had to make peace with this as there seems no alternative.
Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2022 16:52

"Somehow we seem to be too busy now - possibly due to most women working when 30 years ago many were sah."

Lots of people on mn have small children so may be genuinely busy, but outside of that group many people spend hours a day online or watching Netflix. There's more to do at home now so people don't see the need to 'go visiting', but we are humans and we need contact so it's a very sad development.
Covid has made it worse of course.

WorstXmasEver · 31/01/2022 16:53

I don't have any friends. They either stole from me, didn't want to know when i had kids or turned into people who only talk about gaming.

Real friendships are a lot rarer than everyone makes out & I'm content in the knowledge I will never have a 'friend' again.

I don't care as life is very short & none of us matter in the slightest IMO.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2022 16:55

"Depression, for example can make a person withdraw from social life - and as loneliness increases, so too can the depression."

Yep. I've had a bout of the January blues and it makes it hard to go out at all. If I go out, I won't have anything to say, small things people do will annoy me and I might make people hate me. It can be counterproductive to try to socialise when you feel really awful.
But then, if you don't go, going back out again will feel like a real obstacle.

Xmasbaby11 · 31/01/2022 16:56

It depends on the situation really and I do believe a lot of it is luck that you find people you connect with. I am naturally extrovert but I have lived in places where I found it impossible to make friends. The worst was when I was 30 and abroad. I had lived all over and was used to making new friends easily. I just did not find my tribe in this place. But I kept putting myself out there, went to places on my own, started conversations with acquaintances, suggested plans. It was hard and I got knockbacks, ignored etc. It got better eventually but I think it can sometimes feel like the place / situation is against you and you have to be very driven to make friends and also have a thick skin!

HairyShins · 31/01/2022 16:58

Thanks @MissLucyEyelesbarrow. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd literally never do stuff! Blush

I'm going to keep going to the club because I enjoy it. I was hoping to meet someone but I haven't so never mind.

I've done all sorts over the years and it's never happened. It's frustrating when people on here say "join a club and you'll make loads of friends". It doesn't work like that unfortunately.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2022 17:00

"These people always describe themselves as 'lucky' to have the support but I think that this 'luck' is often nurtured and deserved."

Maybe, but there are plenty of nasty people who have lots of friends and nice ones who don't.

camperqueen54 · 31/01/2022 17:05

I see my friend losing other friends because she's depressed after the break up of her marriage but she simply won't talk to anyone about it so over time they just don't know what to say and are drifting off.

It's like her world has got much smaller. Her kids have moved to another city and she seems to be getting more isolated.

Cameleongirl · 31/01/2022 17:06

@sillysmiles

I've seen several comments on MN about not knowing your neighbours at all, and I've always wondered why people don't want to know them?

I don't live in an estate but I don't know a lot of my neighbours, because I don't get home until 7pm, we all live in one off houses - so no talking in driveways. People with small children do not want "callers" after 7pm.

Perhaps I've just been lucky. I live on a city street so no driveways either, but we do have small gardens at the front and back so there's chatting over the fence at the weekend or when we go out to our cars parked on the street.

None of my neighbours are close friends, we may not see each other for a couple of weeks, but we know each other. Plus there's a few dog owners so we bump into each other walking them!

Gwenhwyfar · 31/01/2022 17:10

"hat most people have to work hard to build and keep social networks."

But it IS easy for some people. In a recent thread where people were saying they only wanted to see their family, quite a few of them said they got social invitations they had to decline so some people are popular, but not bothered, and others are desperate to make friends, but not so popular.