To think a lot of lonely people have brought it on themselves?

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

Just been watching a channel 4 thing on YouTube about lonely people
Most of them were like-no one calls…. They don’t see anyone all day
They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else

Just think people need to think more about what they are doing
They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit
Yet don’t stop to pause to think have I been a good parent am I draining or overly negative

Or they could think right no one’s called me, who am I going to call
How am I going to make and keep some friends

This is a quote from a mumsnetter recently. I should have taken down their name !

Write a plan of what you want from life. Imagine you’re 70 and looking back - I'm so glad I did ...
Then act on it now! Make it happen

For me that is looking at the happy old people I know and following what they do.

Also see the ‘give regrets of the dying’ article. It’s on the guardian.

Fantastic advice there.

I am going to move into a lovely retirement village as soon as I hit 60. I can’t wait !

@Ragwort

Daisy and anyone else who feels lonely, would you consider joining the WI?

I have been a member for many years, I also have moved around the country a lot and always join my local WI so I have a 'Ready made' group of like minded women - I might not immediately make a 'best friend' but I am out and about, meeting people, hearing speakers, learning something .. most WIs have walking groups, Book clubs etc as well.

But the WI is struggling in some areas due to lack of new members, I would love to hear, on this anonymous forum, what the issues are, why more women don't want want to join ... please be honest.

There are also now 'virtual' WI groups if you really can't get out due to caring responsibilities or other reasons.

I have been in touch several times but for some reason haven’t gone along, So thanks for reminding me. Some groups are very active and others seem very much in the old fashioned mode.

I have joined the WI in my local area after my husband died. I’m in my 40’s.
I was not made welcomed at all but I stuck with it. It’s members are predominately very elderly ladies.
The evenings are the worse but due to the older ladies not wanting to drive in the dark, it’s now in the day time. It’s also cancelled when covid cases rose due to their reluctance to mix, although precautions are taken. This is on top of the forced closures due to restrictions.
Our elections happened for officials - secretary etc. I was told by several members not to put myself forward as I hadn’t been in long enough, even though the current holder of one role wanted to resign but nobody else wanted it.
Although a paid up member I don’t receive the magazine, emails etc. Yes I’ve mentioned it.
Would I recommend it? To someone 70+ yes, anyone younger - No!

@NoPaintedPony

I have joined the WI in my local area after my husband died. I’m in my 40’s. I was not made welcomed at all but I stuck with it. It’s members are predominately very elderly ladies. The evenings are the worse but due to the older ladies not wanting to drive in the dark, it’s now in the day time. It’s also cancelled when covid cases rose due to their reluctance to mix, although precautions are taken. This is on top of the forced closures due to restrictions. Our elections happened for officials - secretary etc. I was told by several members not to put myself forward as I hadn’t been in long enough, even though the current holder of one role wanted to resign but nobody else wanted it. Although a paid up member I don’t receive the magazine, emails etc. Yes I’ve mentioned it. Would I recommend it? To someone 70+ yes, anyone younger - No!

Oh dear! I can recommend joining a croquet club. It’s been a lifeline for me over the past two years. Our group are so friendly and good fun.

@silentpool

No one deserves to be unhappy or lonely. I find that people, like OP who are so unyielding in their views tend to be those who haven't experienced hardship. I find difficult times teach you empathy OP. Fate will turn on you eventually so maybe you'll be kinder once you've been on the receiving end.

Unfortunately, I think this too - hardship and the unfairness of life give you a different perspective that you don't really get before they meet you head on (and I only have experience of mild problems so far, perhaps a good job we don't get to know what's coming).

Things that probably help counteract loneliness, or at least to make good use of the time that is your own:
Having good relationships with siblings or other family members;
Having your own transport or ability to pay for easy transport without costs taking a swathe out of what you can afford;
Having access to, and enough trust of, technology;
Having manageable health;
Feeling accepted and comfortable in the groups you can be with - often this needs a sideline of something to 'do' there to link the people who go, such as working, singing, walking etc. It's really hard to feel unwelcome, inferior, or out of the loop, and this can happen either in early stages, or even after quite a while when changes fly in.

I'd agree with those above factors, I've experienced some of them and it does leave you feeling kind of powerless. Maybe we also need some resources for those who don't have real solutions to their loneliness.

But the WI is struggling in some areas due to lack of new members, I would love to hear, on this anonymous forum, what the issues are, why more women don't want want to join ... please be honest.

Does the WI lean any particular way in terms of values, politics, religion etc? Is there a certain 'type' who would join?

I suspect my DM would describe herself as lonely, at least some of the time. She was widowed years ago but sees far more people regularly than I do (recently had a conversation about the number of people/places we'd have to list to test and trace if we got Covid: mine was 1, hers over 10 for the same period of time!) but I don't think really acknowledges that in her head. She wouldn't ask those people for help though because she 'wouldn't want to put them out', even though they're available and on her doorstep! She's refused to learn how to use Zoom. She downsized recently into a still quite large bungalow and was most miffed that I wouldn't come to help her pack, despite her easily being able to afford to pay for it and multiple of her friends offering to help (she wanted someone [me] to boss around and wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that to her friends).

Her preferred activity is to go somewhere like a garden centre cafe and have lengthy chats over multiple coffees. I can't do that with her easily as, even though we've moved closer to her, we're still about 2 hours away. And I work full time (she refuses to acknowledge how much worse my pension will be compared to the final salary one she started claiming age 55! ). She's also annoyed because we took the risk from Covid seriously (DH was shielding) so haven't eaten or drunk inside places, avoided going anywhere crowded etc, whereas she was breaking rules right, left and centre. I stood up to her about that and put DH first and she was furious. That meant when we saw her at New Year and went out for a coffee we insisted on sitting outside which she hated because it was cold and January and we didn't sit chatting for long.

One weekend her car was at the garage so she didn't go to church and then was moaning about not seeing anyone. I asked why she hadn't asked them for someone to give her a lift, but she 'didn't want to put them out' so goodness knows what will happen once she can't drive any longer.

Just remembered - my old church (I've since relocated) had a 'Young wives' group'. They asked if I'd like to go along. It turned out to be more accurately described as the 'Very elderly widows' group'. They'd just kept going and never got round to changing the name. They were also mystified about why nobody younger had joined and I had to point out that meeting at 1pm on Wednesdays meant most women now were at work!

That was one of the problems with inter-generational groups - those of us that were younger wanted to meet at 8pm on a weeknight after work and children's bedtimes. Working full time meant we didn't really want to meet at a weekend as that was family time.

OP you haven't got a bleedin clue have you.

Positive Living groups are a great way to meet people. There are a lot of interesting groups in England. Doesn't seem to exist in Scotland.

So with all of this in mind, what constitutes a decent network? As I mentioned in an earlier post, DH and I have no children, and no siblings (we’re both only-children). I’ve got one really close friend, three pretty close friends and five fab mates who I regularly go the pub with. Have I done enough?? But not sure what to do if everyone dies before me?

The WI varies hugely from place to place. There was a newish one in the town I've relocated from which had lots of younger members, speakers on a wide range of topics including politics, philosophy, social justice etc as well as crafts and baking. They also had subgroups for book groups, volunteering/local initiatives etc.

It's rather like when I was involved in Girl Guiding - the first unit where I was a Guider we stayed after the meeting, had a cup of tea together whilst we cleared up, chatted and I got to know the others. The other units I've worked with (I'm a multiple relocater!) everyone disappeared as soon as the meeting was over so it took up hours of my time volunteering for very little relationship building from my POV. I didn't mind the hours for the first unit as it was really enjoyable.

But the WI is struggling in some areas due to lack of new members, I would love to hear, on this anonymous forum, what the issues are, why more women don't want want to join ... please be honest.

Have you been to one of the WI group?
I struggled to find anything in common with the people there (and that was a group with 'young members' aka women in their 50s who were more or less all working...)

@Ragwort I tried one near our old house. I was about 38. And the youngest by at least 20 years. They wanted new, young members but..

• the top woman said social media was evil therefore refused to have the group on it or to have it even mentioned on Facebook to attract anyone.

• they had a full schedule of events for the year that were really dull. And geared to older people. Tai Chi for arthritis and a chair fitness session, notably. And a chap talking in local dialect about life in the 50s.

• they were really negative as a group! About everything and everyone. Local gossip.

I was gutted! I really wanted to love it. I'd heard so much positivity from other groups about welcoming younger members

We have quite a good, young-ish WI in our village. It all stopped for COVID, obviously, and I think it's re-started again. I may re-join again at some point. I just wanted to give people hope, there are some good WIs out there!

The WI thing - yeah, I'm probably stereotyping and this is going to sound bad, but the impression I have is of a group of older ladies, mainly Anglican with some Methodists perhaps (certainly very few Catholics as they are frowned on), all belting out the hymn Jerusalem and loving the Queen. Plus all the baking and sewing and stuff and then sitting around gossiping, plus a lot of politics going on within the group itself - who is the leader and on the committee etc.
Like a parish council type of thing but with no men.

As I said, I've never been, but that's my impression from the groups that were near where I used to live in the UK and the people who went to them.
I think they have an image problem and to attract younger members a lot would have to change.

@haismfh

The WI thing - yeah, I'm probably stereotyping and this is going to sound bad, but the impression I have is of a group of older ladies, mainly Anglican with some Methodists perhaps (certainly very few Catholics as they are frowned on), all belting out the hymn Jerusalem and loving the Queen. Plus all the baking and sewing and stuff and then sitting around gossiping, plus a lot of politics going on within the group itself - who is the leader and on the committee etc. Like a parish council type of thing but with no men.

As I said, I've never been, but that's my impression from the groups that were near where I used to live in the UK and the people who went to them.
I think they have an image problem and to attract younger members a lot would have to change.

I'd seen the stuff that @RidingMyBike below mentioned. About social issues and "modern" women and whatnot but when I brought it up they said it "Wasn't appropriate."

I think the WI itself is making strides to be different but some groups, who are all of a certain mentality, won't want their third Wednesday of the month to change. The words they used to talk about where the charity money was going in Africa was quite . Joyce Grenfell would have had a field day.

Maybe we need to start them, not join them.

I wouldn’t mind belting out Jerusalem! Religious or not it is a wonderful tune.

I did investigate the local WI when we first moved here and the lady I rang was friendly, but she warned me the youngest member was 80…

I think some kind of “women’s group” would be a goer, but as others have observed, everyone now is “too busy” (or at least say they are busy; it seems a sin worse than death to admit you’re at a loose end).

As for being like a parish council, I think every single group no matter what the hobby (and men as well as women) gets a bit like that. Everywhere there are bossy boots/gossips/queen/king bees.

I also went to my local WI and the average age was about 80, I lasted 2 meetings. I have a friend who was travelling to one with a younger dynamic but it is 40 miles away and honestly I could not be arsed. Personally I think I would do better in a city making friends than where I live.

@2bazookas

velvetchair how do you meet people?

Get a dog and take it for walks. No better way to meet people and have something easy to talk about.

But those people are acquaintances not friends. I talk to lots of people on dog walks, but I might not meet the same person for a few months, if at all.

Here here 😊

Thank you for the honest feedback regarding WIs, I agree, there are many different WIs and it is important to find your 'fit' .. for the record we don't sing Jerusalem at the one I attend and most of the committee are leftie Guardian readers ... but I understand that it's a real 'image' problem. There are some really progressive WIs out there ... as for the WI that didn't welcome new committee members, that is shocking, I would love to step down from our committee if someone else would step up!

I am autistic, friendships are really hard for me. I want friends but find them hard to make and confusing and exhausting to keep. I have a boyfriend (who is as nuts as me 😂) and live close to family. Without them I’d be alone and probably lonely. I’m not sure I’d that is my fault…. It certainly isn’t anyone else’s but I’m not really sure how I would change it. Your post makes me feel bad that I don’t manage to do better at this friend stuff. I am loyal, kind, funny (or at least I think I am) and generous. I think I’d be a great friend.

@Ragwort

Thank you for the honest feedback regarding WIs, I agree, there are many different WIs and it is important to find your 'fit' .. for the record we don't sing Jerusalem at the one I attend and most of the committee are leftie Guardian readers ... but I understand that it's a real 'image' problem. There are some really progressive WIs out there ... as for the WI that didn't welcome new committee members, that is shocking, I would love to step down from our committee if someone else would step up!

Are you in the North West? I'd travel to that one!