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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think a lot of lonely people have brought it on themselves?

557 replies

LovelyYellowLabrador · 31/01/2022 11:12

Just been watching a channel 4 thing on YouTube about lonely people
Most of them were like-no one calls…. They don’t see anyone all day
They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else

Just think people need to think more about what they are doing
They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit
Yet don’t stop to pause to think have I been a good parent am I draining or overly negative

Or they could think right no one’s called me, who am I going to call
How am I going to make and keep some friends

OP posts:
sanbeiji · 01/02/2022 19:33

@sadpapercourtesan

*This! Single friend. Very lonely. Her conversation recently has been limited to her elderly cat's various ailments, people at her work we don't know and her allergies.

We invited her for drinks recently with some friends she didn't know (she complained she never gets invited anywhere) and she had a face like THUNDER all night. She only spoke if the conversation allowed her to talk about the cat, the work people or the allergies....

She then complained to me afterwards saying they were 'too loud'.*

This reads completely differently to me. She sounds like she really struggles with anxiety and feels uncomfortable in company, retreats into familiar topics because they're safe, and has sensory difficulties with loud noise and a busy environment. Many, many lonely people are neurodiverse and have given up trying because they know they don't fit it and nobody ever tries to meet them half way. Your post made me feel really awful for her, and it doesn't paint you/your friends in a very good light.

2022 and we're still punishing and ridiculing neurodiverse people for not masking better.

People are not mind readers. They cannot simply assume neurodiversity. Also it’s nobody’s job to meet anybody halfway, or be friends with them. As an adult you have a busy life. Friendships are with people whom you naturally get on with. Obviously supporting people through difficult times etc is one things but why would you be friends with someone who takes a lot of effort?

Btw even neurodiverse people don’t always want to put up with their peers. Myself and DP included.

mylifestory · 01/02/2022 19:34

An old married work colleague of mine never had any children as she was too selfish, she had 2 step kids she did everything to avoid & put them off speaking to their dad (her husband) too. Never did anything social with work ppl and was quite aloof about it. They don't have any friends as a couple either and Ive known her for over 20 years. She's now 70 widowed and totally alone, says I'm lucky to have my daughter.

Make of that what you will ....

whizzeez · 01/02/2022 19:37

I think there can be an incredible amount of variables at play. Nobody knows everyone else's life situation and why people react to different things. Some people are introverted, some are neurodiverse (I have Autism/ADHD) and have been bullied time and time again by others and it has left them feeling very vulnerable and alone.

I got out of an abusive relationship 3 years ago where I almost ended up taking my own life. When I was trying to get my life together again, a long time best friend told me that she no longer 'needed me', friendship over.

Like others have commented here, I have joined groups and have lots of interests but they never really lead to anything more than a few hours outside of the house. Unfortunately things are just difficult for some of us no matter how hard we try and that isn't me being a 'victim' or blaming others just speaking from my own perspective

CheshireKitten123 · 01/02/2022 19:39

I work as a health professional and have lost count of the number of clients who complain that their family/children never visit them.

Quite honestly I am not surprised, because of the intrinsic personality of these people.

I'll give you an example:

A friend of mine has a widowed mother who had problems with plumbing. My friend asked her husband, who is a plumber to call and offer assistance.
He duly called, and asked her where the problem was. She pointed him it to x room and that she was going to follow him closely "in case he stole anything".
He told her that if that was how she felt he was leaving and she might do better with someone else, and pay the going rate for the job.

Dnaltocs · 01/02/2022 19:43

We can be time tied when raising our family. So we’re our grandparents yet they managed to visit the lonely, poor, isolated and sick. We can only trust some one will reach out giving us their precious time IF we have practically done this for others. If we don’t extend the hand of friendship, how can our children emulate this in their lives. If we visit the less fortunate, there will be no time left to feel lonely and think ‘poor me’

Evan456 · 01/02/2022 19:45

Maybe they don’t have anyone to call

MiladyBerserko · 01/02/2022 19:46

This is a genuinely horrible thread.

Perhaps some people might 'bring it in themselves' by social awkwardness, a nightmare childhood or inability to cope with life.

XenoBitch · 01/02/2022 19:46

Hmm, some people have no one as they lost a spouse and have no children (or any who still speak to them!).

Some people just shut everyone else out.

And some are lonely, and do nothing but moan they are lonely, yet do nothing about it.

Mirw · 01/02/2022 19:46

Sounds like you are scared this will happen to you.. There are as many reasons that people are lonely as there are lonely people. For example, for some it is about losing their hearing and there are so few hearing people who are willing to make the effort for the deaf person... Too much bother!! When it happens to them, completely different reaction... For others, a similar reaction like their mental health problems are catching. So think before you accuse. The majority of lonely people are that way because others won't make the effort and so the lonely people give up.

Coffeepot72 · 01/02/2022 19:47

DH and I don’t have children, and neither of us have brothers or sisters. I work damn hard at making friends, as I have no family network to fall back on. Obviously one of us will die before the other, and I often worry about how old age will pan out for us.

2bazookas · 01/02/2022 19:51

velvetchair how do you meet people?

Get a dog and take it for walks. No better way to meet people and have something easy to talk about.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/02/2022 19:58

There are so many reasons this can be - like @coronabeer I have had a lot of moving around due to a H who has itchy feet. I worked through necessity, so never really did the school gates thing and in my first marriage old friends took the side of my husband upon divorce. Working for ourselves too meant lots of people we ‘know’ but not really friends on the doorstep - I am a really sociable and chatty person and go out my way for friends I do have- and I can honestly say at times I am pretty lonely as I’ve got older. Please ladies don’t make your marriage a ‘fortress family’ — I did and I really regret it in recent years

Sam1111 · 01/02/2022 19:59

It doesn’t have to be a man… I said men/people!
I’ve voiced my personal opinion on my circumstances I’m not getting involved with stupid questions!

boardbored · 01/02/2022 20:08

Friendship is a numbers game. For every people you meet one or two will be arseholes, five or six will be nice / not nice / normal and in the remaining one or two then there might be someone you like and who likes you back.

So to make a few new friends you really need to have met 50 people and been pleasant and interesting to them.

It is a lot like hard work ! But it pays off.

Squirrelsbizaare · 01/02/2022 20:08

@Babiesandboardgames

I think you have a point OP.

I know 4 people who would describe themselves as "lonely"
1 . Is 97 and completely isolated at home as she's too old, friends have all passed away. No kids. Met her on a befriending service for lonely people. She was lovely, she was lonely due to difficult circumstances.

  1. 73 year old lady also on befriending site. Not a horrible person, but just talks about herself and doesn't ask you any questions. She's not interested in anything you say so her kids and grandkids don't see her.
  2. Best friends dad, drinks too much and is very unreliable and was difficult growing up. Then moved 3 hours away from everyone . He says he's lonely, again this is self inflicted.
  3. Woman I went on a singles tour with. Moaned that her only daughter and dgc don't see her. However, she also had some clear mh issues after her son passed away, she claimed she could still talk to her son and he was sending her visions. Daughter couldn't cope anymore and went v v LC.

In three of these four cases, imo, the loneliness was self inflicted. I do understand what I am talking about too as I made a lot of effort with loneliness charities.

What a horrible post. The woman that is struggling to cope after the death of her son, that has mental health problems as a result, it's her own fault ? I am wondering also if the 73 year old that talks about herself all the time, possibly doesn't understand how the befriending service works and thinks you are there to listen. Why are you volunteering for a befriending charity, if that is how you view you clients.
iamnlhfss · 01/02/2022 20:12

An old married work colleague of mine never had any children as she was too selfish

FFS. Can we stop with this narrative that people who do not have any children do not have them because they are "too selfish"?
What the absolute fuck?
How do you know why someone doesn't have children?
We also do not know the reasons why some people have children.
And some people have children for selfish reasons - I know two people who have done this and openly said it's because they want to ensure they have someone to care for them in their old age.

optimistic40 · 01/02/2022 20:13

Probably different for different people. I've had a few problems with loneliness over the past couple of years. I'm a single parent and work from home. I can't leave the house in the evenings when the children are in bed. I can (and do!) on Saturday nights when they're at their dads'. But that still leaves me alone a lot of the time, and I am someone who loves alone-time - just not having it imposed upon me. Going to start going into the office again more now!

XenoBitch · 01/02/2022 20:15

An old married work colleague of mine never had any children as she was too selfish

This always baffles me. How is someone being selfish by not having children?

Ellowyn · 01/02/2022 20:22

I love being alone and I've never been lonely one day in my life. I don't like being around people and enjoy my own company. The funny thing is people have always wanted to be around me because apparently I'm fun, so it seems as if I've spend my whole life trying to be alone.

I have totally stopped communicating with people and I'm hoping they think I've died in the pandemic. I'm sure there is something mentally wrong with me, but I don't care because I'm as happy as a pig in slop.

I post here because I like being able to say things and not have people wanting to meet up, get together, FaceTime, and all that. Also, now as old as dirt, I have almost no filter.

Sunsetmom · 01/02/2022 20:35

Whilst there may be reasons for children not to bother with their parents, no one deserves to be lonely at any age.
Relationships are a two way thing however I have known people who are lonely that have done the reaching out to family and friends and got nothing back and therefore given up trying!

Siepie · 01/02/2022 20:35

I think it can be a mixture. On MN you see posters talking about only needing their DH or actively avoiding making friends at baby groups, the school playground, work, etc. If they got divorced or had a fall out with their existing friends, they could probably become lonely quite quickly.

On the other hand, it can depend who you're surrounded by. If you move house and try to make friends with other mums in the school playground, but those mums are the type who don't want 'mum friends' then you're not going to get very far.

When I was at uni, I had a nice group of friends during term time. But they were all very close to their families and went home for the entire 3 month summer holidays. My parents were abusive and I couldn't go home, so I'd spend the summers lonely. I'm not sure how I could have solved that, other than interviewing potential new friends about how much time they spent with their parents Grin

notjaneausten · 01/02/2022 20:36

I have become extremely deaf, noticeably so over the last couple of years.
I could go for days without speaking to anyone, as I can no longer use the phone. I don’t strike up conversations, as I can’t hear the answers. I used to happily holiday alone after my marriage ended, it’s very difficult to do when so much depends on being able to hear. It’s also embarrassing to be unable to hear how loud I’m speaking, as I can’t hear myself. Yes, I have a hearing aid, and regularly see an audiologist..

BacksideFirst · 01/02/2022 20:38

How to make friends?

Friendships can change and before you know it, you can find yourself alone. Also some of my family I now no longer see. These things can change slowly,

noirchatsdeux · 01/02/2022 20:48

My parents cut us off from maternal extended family when I was 10.. they had cut us off from paternal extended family when my mother was pregnant with me and they had moved to the other side of the world, even though my father knew his father was dying of cancer. My paternal grandmother blamed my mother - she thought my mother knew - and the truth of the situation only came out when my father left my mother when I was 21. We saw my paternal grandmother once after he left...she lived another 30 years and we never saw her or any of my father's family again.

My parents made some very stupid decisions when I was 10, my mother's family made their opinions (entirely valid) known, and so my parents cut them off too. My mother was one of 9, so a very large family...we'd been very close to all of them up to that point. My parents actually made our family 'disappear' for 7 years, for most of the 80s. My whole childhood my parents strongly discouraged myself and my brothers from having hobbies, friends, outside interests etc Contact with my mother's family was only resumed when my younger brother got drunk on his 18th birthday and rang my grandmother. My father left my mother 6 months after that for the woman he'd been having an affair (one of many he'd had their whole marriage) for a year. My mother ended up going back to our home country (on her own), did reconcile somewhat with her family but the damage was never really repaired and they never totally forgot or forgave...particularly as my mother never actually apologised for any of it. She is now the oldest of the last 3 siblings left, and her younger sister is terminally ill with cancer.

None of the above is my fault. Like others have posted, I've found, particularly in the last 20 years, that most people are only there for the good times, and the pandemic has made that even more true. I consider myself lucky to have one good friend, but have only seen him once in the last year as he has health anxiety made worse due to covid and is still petrified of catching it, so won't socialise.

My whole childhood was toxic, chaotic and stressful. I'm 53, being treated for C-PTSD, on top of being bipolar. I was in a car accident when I was 17 and my physical disability now means I can no longer work....I haven't worked full time in 7 years. I now have no family in the UK, I'm not on good terms with my mother and haven't seen her in 13 years. My partner of 12 years lives 200 miles away for work and I see him on average once a month for about 5 days. During the lockdowns I went a total of 15 months without seeing anyone but delivery drivers and the postman.

I'm also lucky that I like being on my own and only rarely feel 'lonely'...but when I do, I'm sad that decisions that were made when I was a child are still having an effect 40 years later.

RidingMyBike · 01/02/2022 21:07

Different lifestyles now and different expectations of women? As kids we were taken to various elderly relatives and friends' houses weekly or fortnightly. To sit in silence and behave whilst Mum nattered away with them. I hated it as a child. They seemed to have the same conversation every time! But Mum was in the town where she'd been born, she'd known these people all their lives and felt she had a duty to them. She was also either SAHM or very part-time.

Another generation further on, I've moved multiple times, have never lived in that town again and work full time. The time when I'm not working I'd rather spend having fun with DD plus I don't have any elderly relatives here! Church is a good way of interacting with other generations and we do go regularly but there often tends to be an expectation of what I can do for them/church vs. the free time I actually have! I can't volunteer on a weekday or offer to drive someone to hospital appt etc because I'm at work!

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