To think a lot of lonely people have brought it on themselves?

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

Just been watching a channel 4 thing on YouTube about lonely people
Most of them were like-no one calls…. They don’t see anyone all day
They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else

Just think people need to think more about what they are doing
They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit
Yet don’t stop to pause to think have I been a good parent am I draining or overly negative

Or they could think right no one’s called me, who am I going to call
How am I going to make and keep some friends

There may be some people where loneliness is due to behaviour that the person can control. Many examples in pp when it isn’t like that. This is mine.
I am lonely, very lonely.
My username pretty much sums up how I feel about myself as a whole and my ability to keep acquaintances and friendships. I was adult diagnosed autism so no support when I was growing up or now with socialising. Amy unstructured conversation is very hard.

I was really beginning to get friendships at work, then wfh and now likely redundancy or wfh with different people so starting again and also be moving area so new church/groups to negotiate.

No-one needs to lay fault - I do that to myself all the time (depression including at times suicidal thoughts) whether it is my “fault” or not.

@EishetChayil

The "lonely" person I know is an absolute crank. Self-absorbed, very unpleasant. It's no surprise she's alone.

This! Single friend. Very lonely. Her conversation recently has been limited to her elderly cat's various ailments, people at her work we don't know and her allergies.

We invited her for drinks recently with some friends she didn't know (she complained she never gets invited anywhere) and she had a face like THUNDER all night. She only spoke if the conversation allowed her to talk about the cat, the work people or the allergies....

She then complained to me afterwards saying they were 'too loud'.

I have a condition which makes talking to people near impossible. I have a partner I've been with since 2015, but we don't live together and see each other twice a week if I'm lucky. I get lonely, I have no one to call or talk to so I decided to start a Guinea pig rescue

@Alip1965

In my case my ex abusive partner got rid of all my friends and moved us to an isolated area where i knew no one. Left me with debts so i cant move etc. . Relatives have died and my self confidence is at rock bottom ... OP must be very lucky to not know how these things work or happen

I have seen this happening many times and my heart goes out to you.

I think forums like Mumsnet and some on Reddit are such a lifeline for people to gain advice and support.

@LuluBlakey1

Just to add, I do join in things and am part of several local things that I enjoy- volunteering, walking group, an art group. But I haven't made real friends- people tend to be acquaintances in these groups and not see each other between events.

I don't sit at home lonely, pining but neither do I feel I matter much.

Lots of volunteering and groups are like that. You socialise when you're there, but nothing develops afterwards. The best are clubs with a strong social element.

My mum's lonely. She's also difficult, negative and expects other people to seek her out.

She cheated on my dad many moons ago and lost a good few friends. The rest, barring one, dogged, loyal soul, she's alienated by refusing invitations and being a drain. And she moans about her.

We're a small family. I do what I can but I will admit she doesn't make me want to spend time with her. She will not do anything to improve her own situation and I'm damned if I'm being dragged down.

I love my friends. I make an effort to check in on them, make arrangements, instigate nights out / meals in / trips etc. I felt a bit blue when we moved so I joined a book club and made friends (not with every member but 3 of us are pretty good friends now).

I'm not the brightest star in a room. I'm not brimming with confidence but I take care of my friendships. I cannot get my head around my mother refusing to join in anything then whingeing.

Wow. Got that off my chest!

"We invited her for drinks recently with some friends she didn't know (she complained she never gets invited anywhere) and she had a face like THUNDER all night. She only spoke if the conversation allowed her to talk about the cat, the work people or the allergies....

She then complained to me afterwards saying they were 'too loud'."

As others have mentioned if you don't go out much, you get out of the habit and lose the skills required. She sounds depressed as well.

*This! Single friend. Very lonely. Her conversation recently has been limited to her elderly cat's various ailments, people at her work we don't know and her allergies.

We invited her for drinks recently with some friends she didn't know (she complained she never gets invited anywhere) and she had a face like THUNDER all night. She only spoke if the conversation allowed her to talk about the cat, the work people or the allergies....

She then complained to me afterwards saying they were 'too loud'.*

This reads completely differently to me. She sounds like she really struggles with anxiety and feels uncomfortable in company, retreats into familiar topics because they're safe, and has sensory difficulties with loud noise and a busy environment. Many, many lonely people are neurodiverse and have given up trying because they know they don't fit it and nobody ever tries to meet them half way. Your post made me feel really awful for her, and it doesn't paint you/your friends in a very good light.

2022 and we're still punishing and ridiculing neurodiverse people for not masking better.

There are tons of factors why people are lonely. I’m not lonely because I have my partner and children but if I didn’t I think I’d be incredibly lonely. I have no friends because I let no one in. I have been hurt so much in the past I don’t want to let anyone in now. My family are horrid. Like beyond horrid. My partners family don’t really bother with me. So loneliness isn’t always someone’s fault. I don’t think it would be my fault but the failures of so many people over the years.

[quote JesusInTheCabbageVan]**@VelvetChairGirl* your burglary example makes no sense unless you think police should arrest anyone who stands around on a residential street corner in case they might be burglars*

I don't think we're going to get anywhere with this. That's fine, some legislation is tricky to understand. But if you're avoiding meeting more than one friend outside because you're scared about breaking the law - you can relax. Go for a walk and you'll see lots of groups of more than three people going about their business quite happily. It's allowed, I promise.[/quote]
Try sitting in the park drinking with them like we did in the old days, we cant all afford to spend £6 a pint in the pub.

I am lonely. It might be my fault but it might be the way I am.
I long for more friends but in the past friends have trodden over my boundaries, been competitive, been mean, gone out with my exes etc.It has been hard. I dont think being bullied at school helped. Lockdown certainly didn't.
I am sad about it.

@UnicornsReal I'm sure it is just as hard to be in that position, but not necessarily harder than the position I am in- who knows? It's not a competition. Many people will be in these positions, some will find joining in things less easy than others do. But taking part in a group activity, volunteering are not really replacements for feeling part of a loving close family and feeling as if you have a place where you matter to people who love you because they gave birth to you, grew up with you, have a shared past with you,- you are part of them.
I don't think you can replace those people/relationships. If you don't have them, there can be a real loneliness right in your core and a toughness that develops to protect yourself.

Just to add, I do join in things and am part of several local things that I enjoy- volunteering, walking group, an art group. But I haven't made real friends- people tend to be acquaintances in these groups and not see each other between events

This is similar to me. I go out and make an effort to get involved and join things. People are friendly (in most groups anyway) and we get along and have a laugh. But it just doesn't turn into anything more than that . The people in the groups I go to have their own families and they go to the groups to socialize/do their hobby outside of their home but the rest of the time they are busy with their own lives. They aren't looking to make friends who they can then meet for coffee on other occasions.
It's all very well saying "join a group" etcetc. It doesn't make you any less lonely. It makes it better for a few hours and that's great but you still end up going home alone where there isn't anyone to share your life with and your parents are dead so you can't phone them or visit. And you're an only child so no siblings either.
And you've moved away from where you grew up for work and have the occasional zoom call with childhood/uni friends.

It's an aching loneliness - cooking and eating by yourself every single day; no one to chat to; having to make every damn decision about everything by yourself and there's no one to discuss it with; trying to make friends or keep up the few friendships you have and most of the time the other people don't have time to meet and do stuff; constantly getting knocked back; people only ringing you when they want something from you.
So yeah, I go out to hobbies and things but it doesn't change the loneliness at home.

I'll get told I'm self-pitying and over-sharing in a minute. But that's the way it is.
I stay upbeat when around other people and still keep trying to make an effort but it's so depressing when there's no sign of anything getting better any time soon.

Jesus so I’ve bought my loneliness on myself have I?
I lost my husband last July and yes I feel very lonely. I’ve reached out to people, only for people to feel awkward as I don’t have a husband. I’ve lost my place in society. I don’t belong anywhere. I smile and I laugh but fuck me it’s awful .

Have you ever lost your dh op? I hope you never ever do.

I guess this is how society sees me then? A sad awkward, boring middle aged woman.

When I’m reality I a grieving, anxious, riddled with flashbacks and a sense of not belonging and never will fit in anymore.

I have started volunteering but I’m not the life and soul anymore. It’s shit.

"and has sensory difficulties with loud noise and a busy environment."

Could just be that she's not used to going out. If you go out when you haven't been for a while large groups shouting etc. will be a shock. I was out on Saturday, but because I was sober the rowdy behaviour was very difficult to take.

I went to 6 schools and was always the new girl so have been used to being proactive at making friends. This has continued into adulthood and through various moves. However, some people aren't as naturally outgoing as I am and it's hard for them to make friends. They might be lonely solely because of their character. And as you age, it's harder still. My 93 year old dad's friends have all died. I live near by and see him a lot, but my brothers live abroad. His nephews and nieces all live away. As he used to say, it's lovely to have me, one of his granddaughters and some of his great grandchildren nearby, but it would be lovely to have people his own age to socialise with - peoplewith similar life experiences and memories. He's recently moved to a retirement block and loves the social side of things there but the pandemic has made many fearful of meeting up and often the social events are now cancelled. You can be lonely, OP, through absolutely no fault of your own and in spite of all your efforts. Perhaps this is our opportunity to step up to the plate and help....

@iamnlhfss I so understand this. I’ve been to groups and made acquaintances but not taken it beyond the group so often.

@iamnlhfss

Just to add, I do join in things and am part of several local things that I enjoy- volunteering, walking group, an art group. But I haven't made real friends- people tend to be acquaintances in these groups and not see each other between events

This is similar to me. I go out and make an effort to get involved and join things. People are friendly (in most groups anyway) and we get along and have a laugh. But it just doesn't turn into anything more than that . The people in the groups I go to have their own families and they go to the groups to socialize/do their hobby outside of their home but the rest of the time they are busy with their own lives. They aren't looking to make friends who they can then meet for coffee on other occasions.
It's all very well saying "join a group" etcetc. It doesn't make you any less lonely. It makes it better for a few hours and that's great but you still end up going home alone where there isn't anyone to share your life with and your parents are dead so you can't phone them or visit. And you're an only child so no siblings either.
And you've moved away from where you grew up for work and have the occasional zoom call with childhood/uni friends.

It's an aching loneliness - cooking and eating by yourself every single day; no one to chat to; having to make every damn decision about everything by yourself and there's no one to discuss it with; trying to make friends or keep up the few friendships you have and most of the time the other people don't have time to meet and do stuff; constantly getting knocked back; people only ringing you when they want something from you.
So yeah, I go out to hobbies and things but it doesn't change the loneliness at home.

I'll get told I'm self-pitying and over-sharing in a minute. But that's the way it is.
I stay upbeat when around other people and still keep trying to make an effort but it's so depressing when there's no sign of anything getting better any time soon.

I definitely know what you mean, but there are some groups that are really focused on socialising and they have members who also want to meet people and usually a lot of single people who aren't rushing home to anyone. I used to be a member of City Socializer. You had to pay, but I became a host at one point so didn't pay anything. I'm not in it any more, but still have quite a few friends from it.

@Ragwort

I do think a lot of people just won't make the effort to make new friends, I've moved a lot and have just had to force myself to get out and make friends, I join committees, groups, volunteer, go to Church etc etc. There is always something you can do so long as you are prepared to make an effort. During lockdown I was able to continue with a volunteering project (supporting vulnerable people) and I also found a new volunteer project that was 'allowed' at the time. I went out walking with people I hadn't known that well before but it was an opportunity to get to know different people.

My DM is recently widowed, aged 89 ... it would be easy for her to stay at home and do nothing but she is out and about, going to bridge, joined a yoga class, volunteering at a carer group that previously supported her, taking IT lessons. Yes, she is lucky to have good health but she also realises it's important to make an effort yourself.

So many people say they are lonely but whatever you suggest there is always a reason they can't do something and it is always someone else's fault that they can't make friends.

There are in UK pockets that are very insulars were joining stuff doesn't lead to acquantces or friends.

I lived in one it was tough did met few non locals who frequently moved on as we did . One who practically ran everything with her DH and still wasn't really talked to. DH ex boss found another one new housing estate nothing really locally and further afield very unfriendly and he and his wife were very much joiners.

MN always seems to insist these places don't exist - and thus if you try and keep trying it will work otherwise you're the problem.

It used to be very depressing seeking advice on here when we were stuck there - I'd have spent the week at groups/classes and getting involved and usually having all the work dumped on me when volunteering and then people would completely blank you next time you saw them.

Truth is there are negative people who could easily do more - I have family like this - but there are also very difficult areas to land up in.

@Gwenhwyfar I don’t think @Babiesandboardgames is wonderful & really does not understand, made a lot of effort with loneliness charities, don’t make me laugh, more like a bloody danger to loneliness charities, it’s not a good look. Sounds like a right judgemental power hungry prat, people helping vulnerable members of society shouldn’t be disclosing details like, I’d be mortified if I came on here & recognised myself in any of that post, it could also seriously cause major damage to my mental health, Babies & boardgames shouldn’t be allowed to be near people who need help. I am one of these lonely people some of you self righteous judgemental shits are punching down on. I have a fear of burdening others as I have time & time again been neglected, I had an abusive childhood, I learnt from an early age about abuse & abandonment from the people who should have cared for me, would you say thats my fault?

I am extremely introverted as a person and suffer severe social anxiety. I find other people exhausting and the stress is too much. I am severely disabled and pretty much stuck so yes if it wasn’t for my OH and children I would have no one and I am afraid I wouldn’t have the confidence to overcome crippling Social Anxiety, GAD and severe depression along with my disability. I wouldn’t look at things so black and white.

@LuluBlakey1. I’m not sure I entirely agree that not having extended family necessarily causes loneliness, I’ll be in the same position as you when my elderly Dad is no longer with us and while I agree that it would be lovely to have a sibling or cousin I was close to, I find that old friends are good substitutes. I have shared memories with my uni friends from 18 onwards (that’s nearly 30 years now 😂) and I even have a couple of mates from sixth form. We’re very scattered, but keep in touch via texting and the occasional phone call and meet up.

Not having much family has definitely driven me to make more effort friends-wise, because I do t have anyone to fall back on if I don’t!

I live alone and chose not to live with my OH as I like doing my own thing and not being answerable to anyone.
I do have 6 proper friends but not seen much of them during the past 2 years for obvious reasons. It 4 are married, 2 of those have AC (not living with them) 1 childless lives with OH and 1 single no OH or C.
I like my own company. My AC and GC live more than 80 miles away from me and each other. All working f/t and have dogs/horses which can't be left without organising care.
Anyway, they would feel the need to entertain me as has happened and I like exploring by myself and chatting to locals which they think is mad. I like my own routines which vary according to how I feel on the day. Today I went into the next county, looked round different shops, had lunch and met a woman from Bath who was visiting family. We had coffee together and exchanged phone numbers with a view to meeting up this spring.
Everyone has their own pecadillos.

@ElftonWednesday this is true. I have a large circle of friends. But…

I am single in my 40s. My friends all have families and kids or live far away. I get included but only so much as they are so busy. I date, have hobbies and work.

But when I go home, life can be lonely or in a crowd. I don’t like to bother my friends loads. Will drop in for a chat, arrange nights out etc. But it’s only if they are free or for a phone chat. Human interact is much needed sometimes.

@crispsarny first off to say I am sorry you had a shit childhood, no one deserves that, ever , and it is sad you read about that so much on here.
Thanks for your concern that people might recognise themselves on here, some details about the people I posted have been changed to protect their privacy. So that would never happen.
I would never want praise or affirmation for talking to loneliness charities, but I volunteered because I wanted to help. Only after speaking to dozens of people did I make my own value judgements on loneliness, summarised in my previous post, and it largely agreed with what the op said . My post does not attack anyone who is lonely due to unfortunate circumstances, yours certainly sound like bad luck to me.