To think a lot of lonely people have brought it on themselves?

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

Just been watching a channel 4 thing on YouTube about lonely people
Most of them were like-no one calls…. They don’t see anyone all day
They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else

Just think people need to think more about what they are doing
They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit
Yet don’t stop to pause to think have I been a good parent am I draining or overly negative

Or they could think right no one’s called me, who am I going to call
How am I going to make and keep some friends

Well you could say this about almost anything to a degree. In poverty? Budget better. Unhealthy? Eat better. Overweight? Etc. Etc. But in reality people just don’t think about how to improve themselves most of the time and instead wallow in self-pity. I've been this way myself and I've dragged myself out of things but also often it takes a network around you to do that also. If you get stuck in a cycle it can be difficult to get out of it, not everyone can just whip up the mental ability to do it either as lots don’t seem to be able to take actions that aren't dictated to them by some outside source.

YANBU.

I agree, most people are in situations of their own making. Being lonely might not be your fault - but it might be. Of course there’s lots of variables but we’re talking broadly here??!

We are all in charge of our own lives.

When your friends/family have partners and children and no time/don't want to meet you can find yourself alone.

If you're lucky you can make new available friends through work, hobbies or if you're confident to attend meet ups etc.

There are different levels of loneliness I guess
People with a partner/children but feel alone with no friends or feel alone in the relationship.

People with friends/family but feel alone with no partner

People with none of the above

I'm sure there's others categories

I think you have a point OP.

I know 4 people who would describe themselves as "lonely"
1 . Is 97 and completely isolated at home as she's too old, friends have all passed away. No kids. Met her on a befriending service for lonely people. She was lovely, she was lonely due to difficult circumstances.

1. 73 year old lady also on befriending site. Not a horrible person, but just talks about herself and doesn't ask you any questions. She's not interested in anything you say so her kids and grandkids don't see her.
2. Best friends dad, drinks too much and is very unreliable and was difficult growing up. Then moved 3 hours away from everyone . He says he's lonely, again this is self inflicted.
3. Woman I went on a singles tour with. Moaned that her only daughter and dgc don't see her. However, she also had some clear mh issues after her son passed away, she claimed she could still talk to her son and he was sending her visions. Daughter couldn't cope anymore and went v v LC.

In three of these four cases, imo, the loneliness was self inflicted. I do understand what I am talking about too as I made a lot of effort with loneliness charities.

YBVVVU

Great that it's so simple and straightforward for you. Most likely relationships were modelled to you when you were growing up and did not suffer an excess of trauma.

Others are not that lucky.

I have often caught myself thinking this about my Mum. She spent 35 years spending the week at home and the weekend at her partners. During lockdown they managed to live together, but Mum’s I’ll health means she has to be at home for district nurse visits and her partner can barely manage to look after himself. Mum always says she’s lonely because she’s not used to being at home or alone.

@coronabeer

It's rarely as simple as you say.

Depression, for example can make a person withdraw from social life - and as loneliness increases, so too can the depression.

Lonely people can both crave company and fear it.

Fear of rejection can make it difficult to join social events of any sort, let alone attempt to initiate them.

Loneliness itself is a stigma - lots of people seem to think there must be something wrong with a person that they are alone, so they are effectively shunned.

I'm pretty lonely most of the time, I'll admit it. I can look back to times in my life when I was popular with a wide social circle, but those times melted away, basically because life got in the way. I've lived in loads of different parts of the country, so keep being uprooted from friends I do make. Good friends have likewise moved around or even emigrated. I had an unhappy marriage for years with little opportunity to have a social life. I have no extended family whatsoever apart from my elderly mother, who I rarely see. My brother died about 3 years ago. I moved to a new town during lockdown. I'm probably suffering from low-grade depression right now, but I've seen a couple of groups I might try out and hopefully something will grow from there.

I hope you find the right thing for you, you sound like a lovely person, and heading in the right direction if able to articulate the reasons you are feeling low.

Your analysis sounds very overly simplistic and lacking in compassion. If someone simply isn’t mentally or physically equipped to tackle their growing loneliness then ‘blaming’ them sounds awful. I haven’t watched the program but you don’t sound very nice or intelligent.

I have an elderly mother . She is very lonely. She hasn’t built up a friendship network during her life . Put all her effort into my father who also had no friends. She had a wide circle of acquaintances through her religion. She’s never been there for me. Never put herself out , never been there when I have had difficult times. I am the child living nearest to her now but I have no relationship with her to speak of. She’s made minimal effort with my children so they don’t particularly like her.
She is reaping what she sowed. I am trying to help her out but I don’t enjoy her company and have no good memories that we share.

I do think a lot of people just won't make the effort to make new friends, I've moved a lot and have just had to force myself to get out and make friends, I join committees, groups, volunteer, go to Church etc etc. There is always something you can do so long as you are prepared to make an effort. During lockdown I was able to continue with a volunteering project (supporting vulnerable people) and I also found a new volunteer project that was 'allowed' at the time. I went out walking with people I hadn't known that well before but it was an opportunity to get to know different people.

My DM is recently widowed, aged 89 ... it would be easy for her to stay at home and do nothing but she is out and about, going to bridge, joined a yoga class, volunteering at a carer group that previously supported her, taking IT lessons. Yes, she is lucky to have good health but she also realises it's important to make an effort yourself.

So many people say they are lonely but whatever you suggest there is always a reason they can't do something and it is always someone else's fault that they can't make friends.

@Babiesandboardgames so in your opinion the woman who lost her son and clearly has MH issues is ta fault if she is feeling lonely?
Or is it the 97yo man with no family?

I’m lonely… I’m not old and not sad… I had an extremely unhappy abusive marriage that I got out of for the sake of my sanity and for my child! Because of this I find it difficult to trust men in general and yes whilst I agree that some people will say not all men/people are the same, when you have been through certain things in your life it’s difficult to trust…
I am lovely because I would love to meet someone who actually is in love with me and not manipulate and bully me every day… I have chosen to not be in this environment but when I reflect and recognise how lonely I am, maybe it would have been better to stay in the relationship as at least I would have had some company!
So I do think that everyone’s situation is different however why do we all need to sit in judgement as not one of us knows what someone else is going through or has been through and therefore shouldn’t judge! That’s just my take it since I am very lonely!

And just as an additional comment…. I am very successful in my career have raised my son amazingly well on my own so I have a good life, just no one to share it with!!!
Hope my response doesn’t upset too many people who judge those in different situations to their own!!

@ChangingLife

The 97 year old , absolutely not. She has just outlived loads of people, and can't leave the house to make more friends.
The lady who sees her son in visions and has psychosis, yes it is self inflicted, but it isn't her "fault " exactly - it's just very difficult to befriend someone who is so deeply unwell. Just like it's difficult to be friends with someone who drinks, or who has anger problems . It isn't their "fault", but it's self inflicted nonetheless. And I think that's what the OP is saying .

But maybe there’s no choice. My family suck. Siblings have always bullied me, still do and when my parents go I’m cutting them all off. Was moved around a lot as a child so never made friends carried that with me through life and suffer social anxiety . Yes perhaps I will be lonely, but I’d rather that than have anything to do with my horrible siblings. I imagine I’ll get a dog or two. My mother leans on me heavily always has . Some things aren’t just black and white.

YABU. Everyone has to deal with the circumstances they are faced with. You could try walking a mile in their shoes.

I became a single mum a decade ago. I had to move to a new town for work, a new home, and no local support. No babysitters available and anyway, working full time, getting to know a new job, doing school runs, helping with homework, there was very little opportunity to socialise.

Just as DS became old enough to leave for an hour or two, covid and home schooling/wfh. Furlough, then redundancy. Months fighting to get back into work.

Park Run and martial arts class were cancelled so no access to my new friends. Park Run restarted in September but not here (Thanks for nothing West Berkshire!)

Then just as things did open up, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and told to isolate to avoid catching covid, so treatment could go ahead.

So I've been isolated basically for ten years regardless of how much I tried. The end is in sight but it's been a slog.

What would you have done differently OP?

@Ragwort

I do think a lot of people just won't make the effort to make new friends, I've moved a lot and have just had to force myself to get out and make friends, I join committees, groups, volunteer, go to Church etc etc. There is always something you can do so long as you are prepared to make an effort. During lockdown I was able to continue with a volunteering project (supporting vulnerable people) and I also found a new volunteer project that was 'allowed' at the time. I went out walking with people I hadn't known that well before but it was an opportunity to get to know different people.

My DM is recently widowed, aged 89 ... it would be easy for her to stay at home and do nothing but she is out and about, going to bridge, joined a yoga class, volunteering at a carer group that previously supported her, taking IT lessons. Yes, she is lucky to have good health but she also realises it's important to make an effort yourself.

So many people say they are lonely but whatever you suggest there is always a reason they can't do something and it is always someone else's fault that they can't make friends.

Yes, I agree. I have a friend who is very lonely too. She doesn’t join anything, doesn’t go to anything. I am Her only real friend. She clings on to her children who find her really dull. She gave up her job in lockdown. I keep suggesting things and trying to involve her in stuff but she just makes excuses. If she’s sitting in her flat all day bored to death, she must take responsibility.

@Sam1111

I’m lonely… I’m not old and not sad… I had an extremely unhappy abusive marriage that I got out of for the sake of my sanity and for my child! Because of this I find it difficult to trust men in general and yes whilst I agree that some people will say not all men/people are the same, when you have been through certain things in your life it’s difficult to trust… I am lovely because I would love to meet someone who actually is in love with me and not manipulate and bully me every day… I have chosen to not be in this environment but when I reflect and recognise how lonely I am, maybe it would have been better to stay in the relationship as at least I would have had some company! So I do think that everyone’s situation is different however why do we all need to sit in judgement as not one of us knows what someone else is going through or has been through and therefore shouldn’t judge! That’s just my take it since I am very lonely!

Why does it have to be a man? What about female friends?

I am an only child, born to older parents. My parents are dead. I have no siblings, no grandparents, no aunts and uncles and only one cousin in this country- who lives 300 miles away.

An estranged uncle's wife is still alive - although frail and very elderly. I help her since his death because she would have no one otherwise, but she uses me rather than has any affection for me. She has no other family.

It is incredibly difficult to be in this position. I am no one's daughter, grandaughter sister, aunt, sister-in law. It felt, until I met DH that I was almost invisible . Most people gain their support and sense of mattering and identity from their family contact. When you have none you can feel like you just do not matter.

I have friends- all of whom had families for high days and holidays. Now I have DH and his family- his parents are very nice, decent oeople but they are not my family. There is no one who I can reminisce with about my childhood- no one who knew my parents and grand-parents, no one who remembers what I remember or shared those experiences. There is no one who rings me on Christmas Morning or my birthday because I am their family and matter to them.

This probably all sounds self-pitying, it isn't meant to. It's just how it is and I have grown used to it. Even having DH and now our DC, I still feel it. I think I have quite a hard inner shell because of it.

I am perfectly capable of ringing friends or going for a chat with my MIL. But on Christmas morning- it is DH's phone she rings or FIL rings, or his sister rings.

I was ill a few weeks ago, had quite a nasty accident that could have killed me. It struck me that if not for DH, no one would have been very interested. I spoke to my cousin and told them, never heard anything since. My uncle's wife asked when I would be well enough to do her shopping again. PIL asked DH is they could help. Couple of friends texted once each to ask what had happened and was I ok and that was it.

It is lonely. Most of the time, I don't mind it. I never mention it. I have never told DH or anyone else how I feel about it- I don't want to sound self-pitying. but apart from DH I don't feel I matter to anyone for being me.

Agree with pp - get a second-hand android and enable the Google maps location tracking and then leave it somewhere in the car.

Illegal or not, if my husband caught me cheating by tracking my car, I'd say it's a fair cop.

As for "it's already over if you don't trust him", yes fair enough but I'd rather end it once I knew for a fact what he had been up to and confront him to get some closure, rather than leave just because "I think" he is "doing something"

WRONG THREAD, I'm so sorry I clicked a link on trending now by accident while typing a reply to another thread, and didn't realise when page reloaded, typed out my old comment to send

@LuluBlakey1

I am an only child, born to older parents. My parents are dead. I have no siblings, no grandparents, no aunts and uncles and only one cousin in this country- who lives 300 miles away.

An estranged uncle's wife is still alive - although frail and very elderly. I help her since his death because she would have no one otherwise, but she uses me rather than has any affection for me. She has no other family.

It is incredibly difficult to be in this position. I am no one's daughter, grandaughter sister, aunt, sister-in law. It felt, until I met DH that I was almost invisible . Most people gain their support and sense of mattering and identity from their family contact. When you have none you can feel like you just do not matter.

I have friends- all of whom had families for high days and holidays. Now I have DH and his family- his parents are very nice, decent oeople but they are not my family. There is no one who I can reminisce with about my childhood- no one who knew my parents and grand-parents, no one who remembers what I remember or shared those experiences. There is no one who rings me on Christmas Morning or my birthday because I am their family and matter to them.

This probably all sounds self-pitying, it isn't meant to. It's just how it is and I have grown used to it. Even having DH and now our DC, I still feel it. I think I have quite a hard inner shell because of it.

I am perfectly capable of ringing friends or going for a chat with my MIL. But on Christmas morning- it is DH's phone she rings or FIL rings, or his sister rings.

I was ill a few weeks ago, had quite a nasty accident that could have killed me. It struck me that if not for DH, no one would have been very interested. I spoke to my cousin and told them, never heard anything since. My uncle's wife asked when I would be well enough to do her shopping again. PIL asked DH is they could help. Couple of friends texted once each to ask what had happened and was I ok and that was it.

It is lonely. Most of the time, I don't mind it. I never mention it. I have never told DH or anyone else how I feel about it- I don't want to sound self-pitying. but apart from DH I don't feel I matter to anyone for being me.

This sounds really hard. However it’s worth remembering that those with families aren’t necessarily less lonely. I have siblings who I never see. They have no interest in me. A mother I don’t like who upsets me when I see her. Aunts and Uncles who don’t give a toss either. Sometimes it’s harder when you have family but they don’t care.

Just to add, I do join in things and am part of several local things that I enjoy- volunteering, walking group, an art group. But I haven't made real friends- people tend to be acquaintances in these groups and not see each other between events.

I don't sit at home lonely, pining but neither do I feel I matter much.

@Babiesandboardgames

I think you have a point OP.

I know 4 people who would describe themselves as "lonely"
1 . Is 97 and completely isolated at home as she's too old, friends have all passed away. No kids. Met her on a befriending service for lonely people. She was lovely, she was lonely due to difficult circumstances.

1. 73 year old lady also on befriending site. Not a horrible person, but just talks about herself and doesn't ask you any questions. She's not interested in anything you say so her kids and grandkids don't see her.
2. Best friends dad, drinks too much and is very unreliable and was difficult growing up. Then moved 3 hours away from everyone . He says he's lonely, again this is self inflicted.
3. Woman I went on a singles tour with. Moaned that her only daughter and dgc don't see her. However, she also had some clear mh issues after her son passed away, she claimed she could still talk to her son and he was sending her visions. Daughter couldn't cope anymore and went v v LC.

In three of these four cases, imo, the loneliness was self inflicted. I do understand what I am talking about too as I made a lot of effort with loneliness charities.

It's wonderful that you are befriending lonely people and helping them. I could never do that.

@OutwiththeOutCrowd

People are often at their least attractive and least able to present themselves as good friendship/companionship material when they need the most compassion and help. I think that should to be factored in.

absolutely that! no one likes neediness but when someone had recently lost a partner / has moved area or lost a close friend for whatever reason, they feel needy - a vicious circle.