To think a lot of lonely people have brought it on themselves?

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

Just been watching a channel 4 thing on YouTube about lonely people
Most of them were like-no one calls…. They don’t see anyone all day
They maybe have had a marriage where their partner was the only other person they spent time with so when threat person has passed away they have no one else

Just think people need to think more about what they are doing
They expect their adult children to call them all the time and visit
Yet don’t stop to pause to think have I been a good parent am I draining or overly negative

Or they could think right no one’s called me, who am I going to call
How am I going to make and keep some friends

There's another cause I think.
Well it applies to me.
Over bearing mother who wouldn't let me have friends.
Not allowed freedom,when everyone else was out playing,I was called in.

Teenage years where awful.
So I think I actually missed how to make and keep friends.
So I don't get the cues or the hints.

I did have friends when I worked but I always seemed to be dropped.
And if I went anywhere,you could see people thinking God not her.

I'm lonely not because I didn't try but maybe I tried too hard.

Those of you who don't have babysitters- and trust me I have been there, with a toddler in a foreign country- can your partners or husbands not help?

@JanisMoplin - my partner works 5 mights/ week plus every other weekend. The 2 days/ week WE are off together, we spent together, otherwise this would be another relationship/ friendship I would be loosing.

The other times I am off he is working or resting to go to work and vice versa.
And no, we are certainly not in a position to change jobs without taking a pay cut that we can't afford at the moment.

@LovelyYellowLabrador, if you were wondwering why peole are end up with nofriends, have a look at this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4469394-AIBU-on-my-MH-apology-tour

And yull see how quick poeple are to say

• I have enough on my plate so I am not going to reach out to someone who has bene struggling
• I am not going to accept an apology from somone who shut me down - even though they did it because they were unwell AND didn't do anything else than remocing themsleves from a whatsapp group...
• you've been oversharing for saying you were depressed as an explanation as to why you had left the group.

Basically the very long list as to why people are happy to be fair weather friends but will not accept anything else. You are strugglig? Though, I don't even want to know about it, let alone support you by understanding things were tough for you.

But somehow if someone has no friend it must be their fault, not the fact that others can't be bothered to actually BE a friend to someone else.....

[quote Sinuhe]@JanisMoplin - my partner works 5 mights/ week plus every other weekend. The 2 days/ week WE are off together, we spent together, otherwise this would be another relationship/ friendship I would be loosing.

The other times I am off he is working or resting to go to work and vice versa.
And no, we are certainly not in a position to change jobs without taking a pay cut that we can't afford at the moment.[/quote]
I see. When DC were small DH looked after them every Sat while I spent time with my friends. Sun we spent together. Everyone is different, but my marriage would not survive only spending time with my DH.

I agree to an extent.

Obviously we can't control our entire circumstances, but as somebody in my mid-30s without extended family, I see preparing for a social network in older years as important as preparing financially.

Part of that is overcoming shyness/rejection fear by suggesting social things and agreeing to invites even when I'm a bit knackered. It's not at all easy but it is important.

@Darbs76

You do have to work at friendships and some people dont. So I do agree from that respect

Some people don't have to work at friendships though as they're just naturally popular. As I mentioned, some people work at NOT having friends.

@Sunpotter

I agree to an extent.

Obviously we can't control our entire circumstances, but as somebody in my mid-30s without extended family, I see preparing for a social network in older years as important as preparing financially.

Part of that is overcoming shyness/rejection fear by suggesting social things and agreeing to invites even when I'm a bit knackered. It's not at all easy but it is important.

Yes, but if you're 45 now, the friends you have now may not be available or local by the time you're 65.

@Gwenhwyfar that's a good point, although as a shyer person I also think there's value in 'keeping my hand in' with social skills, I definitely notice a difference in my comfort level/awkwardness when I've been seeing people less so I guess I'm trying to fend that off too.

And it increases opportunities to meet more people who may become closer friends, and have things to talk about with them etc.

[quote Sunpotter]@Gwenhwyfar that's a good point, although as a shyer person I also think there's value in 'keeping my hand in' with social skills, I definitely notice a difference in my comfort level/awkwardness when I've been seeing people less so I guess I'm trying to fend that off too.

And it increases opportunities to meet more people who may become closer friends, and have things to talk about with them etc.[/quote]
Oh yes, I agree. I go out even when I'm tired or in a bad mood (suspect I wouldn't if I had a boyfriend), but I sometimes worry it's counterproductive. If I'm not feeling great I'm not going to enamour myself to people.

I think what a lot of us would like is local friends - someone you can have a quick coffee with or go to a film/a class together.

I have some friends from various life stages, but I see them rarely as they live far away (including US) and although we exchange birthday/Xmas messages, to meet up would involve staying over which is for most people a step too far. In some ways I wish it were the 1950s and people would lean over their fences for a chat.

Dm in the 1970s had a “coffee morning circle” . I can’t imagine that today, at least not round here, and even mentioning it on MN will probably lead to angry pitchfork wielding.

There is another thread where a woman with too much gin in her house said she can't have a party because all her friends live so far away they'd need to stay over.
Obviously, if you move somewhere new you have to try and find friends where you live now. It didn't sound like she had even tried.

"someone you can have a quick coffee with or go to a film/a class together."

I have to say that this doesn't interest me much. A quick coffee is the kind of thing people with buy lives have, if you're lonely walking/bus 30 minutes for a one hour coffee is just not worth it. It might not even make a dent in the loneliness and your travel time could be more than the coffee time.
As for the cinema, I'm only interested if there's a drink before and after. When I've met up with people JUST to watch the film, I've really felt used. Where is the socialising? Am I there just so they don't have to look like billy no-mates in the cinema?
And a class, I would just go by myself.

@DottyHarmer

I think what a lot of us would like is local friends - someone you can have a quick coffee with or go to a film/a class together.

I have some friends from various life stages, but I see them rarely as they live far away (including US) and although we exchange birthday/Xmas messages, to meet up would involve staying over which is for most people a step too far. In some ways I wish it were the 1950s and people would lean over their fences for a chat.

Dm in the 1970s had a “coffee morning circle” . I can’t imagine that today, at least not round here, and even mentioning it on MN will probably lead to angry pitchfork wielding.

I have had these quick coffee mornings in the past and hope to have them again when the pandemic effort wears off.

Effect!

@TillyTopper

I think your view is very unreasonable. I don't think it's that simple in real life OP. For example, my DMum is 94, honestly her whole family (apart from me and her brother) and all her friends have died. Her 1 brother emigrated to Australia in 70's. My DDad died 2 years ago. She is now disabled as well (due to old age).

How upbeat do you think she feels? How should she go out and make friends? I'm sure there are lots of parallel situations for many people that find themselves in this situation whether old or not.

This is exactly the problem for my mother. She was an only child though, so never had siblings. Apart from that, everything you have said applies to her too, and is why I think the OP and a few other posters on the thread are being too harsh. She really only has me and my sister now that my Dad has died.

Life can be very unfair sometimes.

My nan used to complain of loneliness constantly. She saw my mum twice a week and myself. No one else towards the end as mobility problems but her main issue was that she was deaf, so she couldn't even have the TV or radio for company. She suffered like this for years and refused to move anywhere which many elderly do. Eventually she went into a residential home. She only lived a few months but she had a lovely few months there with company, entertainment, a Xmas party.
A family friends father was told he didn't have long left. He lived alone and was giving up. He moved into a residential where you have your own flat but downstairs there's a lounge, restaurant, shop, hairdressers etc and actives. He had a new lease of life and lived ten years there.
My other nan who is 92 is currently in the process of moving into the same place for the same reasons.
These are the things people need now and I hope more and more of them will be built. I think they are age 55 and up. I know that i become a widow or divorced that's where I will go. I need the company and it will help me feel safe aswell not having to maintain my own home.

The loneliest I ever felt was in a relationship and also when I was surrounded by people very different to me at University.

My grandmother happily plodded along when she was widowed and would see friends once a month - she had her dog for company.

I think people assume being alone equals loneliness but I have had various expierences.

I have had many friends and partners treat me poorly and really had no other choice to cut them off - I am very loyal to the end so their behaviour had escalted. Would I prefer to be alone with a glass of wine and my TV instead of their bullying and negging - Yes. Would I prefer to be with someone with good energy and kindness - Yes.

I recently admitted to myself, I'm lonely. I'm 59, married, 1 child. I've got to this age and realised that to some degree, I choose the wrong friends. All lovely, but a lot use me when they need someone. I help them get strong and then the friendship seems to become an occasional text message. I've looked in at myself & asked why, I decided, I like helping people, I like being wanted and then I inevitably end up feeling hurt. Yep I'm lonely, but hard to make new friends at 59......

I think you are very naive to think it’s easy to just go and “make some friends”. I have a wonderful friendship group but honestly the last real friend I made was 8 years ago. And I’m only 40 and I have kids and work and have hobbies so have opportunities to meet new people easily. My dad has lost 10 of his friends recently as they have died. Should I tell him to buck up his ideas and make new ones quick smart?? Such an insensitive post.

Even if someone has brought loneliness on themselves it doesn't mean they don't deserve sympathy.

In my case my ex abusive partner got rid of all my friends and moved us to an isolated area where i knew no one. Left me with debts so i cant move etc. . Relatives have died and my self confidence is at rock bottom ... OP must be very lucky to not know how these things work or happen

@ShavingTheBadger

There's lots of reasons - introversion, shyness, other neuro-diverse conditions. Sometimes it's because of caring responsibilities that they can't drop. For me it was all my mates getting married and having kids - you really do feel alone when that happens. It's not black and white.

Off topic but I do hope that introversion and shyness aren't really classed as neurodiverse conditions !!

I have worked in social work-ish things and what I have learnt is that: we, women, need to look after our friendships. Children leave and husbands die.

Sign up for the free/inexpensive classes all the FE colleges offer. Find groups: walking, knitting, sea swimming, online/local book groups... Try and make the first step and invite people for a cuppa or a walk etc.

It's hard as we all have our stuff - neurodivergence, lack of confidence, caring duties, lack of money etc - but I think it's really important to keep a hand in even when you're really busy.

My main pickle was not socialising more at uni, instead I was the 00 library student reading 📚various topics on ancient history.

However after uni I met a group of people and I try not to just have one best friend, id rather have a mix of people I can chat and have their perspectives on x issues,