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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband didn’t mention he is doing yoga or having massages. AIBU?

297 replies

Tiffany80s · 30/01/2022 18:17

I went to turn off my husband’s phone alarm this morning and saw a message from a number that didn’t have a name saved and the message had been saved in WhatsApp under “archived” messages. The profile pic was a woman- the message said something about not worrying about missing a few weeks and that she was going to “work him hard next time”. I asked him what this was about and he said he took up yoga to help with back ache (from work). I asked him why he didn’t tell me and he said he thought I would make a joke of it and tease him. Months ago he mentioned my brother in law doing yoga and I actually told him I thought it was great he was doing it. I just had a really bad feeling about it, my instincts told me something wasn’t right. I asked him to show the payments for this. When he showed me the payment, I saw another regular series of payments to another woman. When I noticed the first payment , I asked him who that was, and he said he didn’t know anything about it. When I scrolled further there were 6 more payments, weekly. His face fell and I asked him who he had made the payments to. This time he said he had been going for sports massages. I can’t understand why he would not mention this to me. You know something along the lines of “ my backs been hurting but I went for a massage today and I feel so much better”. My husband insists it is all above board. The line of work he is in it is common to see chiropractors for back aches etc. I can’t help feeling there is more to this. AIBU?

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 30/01/2022 21:19

I'm really sorry OP. Not above board or he wouldn't pretend he didn't know who the payments were for. He's a liar and a gaslighter. He's seeing escorts I imagine.

User48751490 · 30/01/2022 21:22

Book yourself an appointment too and see what all the fuss is about 😂

nanbread · 30/01/2022 21:22

Couple of qus:

How did you know the other payments were to a woman?

How much were they for?

When is he supposedly doing these classes / massages?

User48751490 · 30/01/2022 21:26

@tiredanddangerous

I'd tell him you could do with some relaxation time and you'll join him at his next yoga class. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
I agree, best to go along with it and see his reaction....
MimiDaisy11 · 30/01/2022 21:27

He’s obviously not much experience with yoga as I’ve been to many classes and never do the instructors have the attitude that they’re going to “work you hard”. It’s just not what yoga is about, It’d be a much better lie to say it’s about some cardio class or personal instructor.

Sorry OP doesn’t look good.

VladmirsPoutine · 30/01/2022 21:27

This has dodgy as fuck written all over it. One thing though you must get checked for STIs asap!

Waifwafer · 30/01/2022 21:28

Save the number on your phone. If you go on WhatsApp you'll be able to see their profile picture if you go to start a chat with them, without them knowing you've checked them out.

Hugoslavia · 30/01/2022 21:28

Perhaps he didn't want you teasing him, as he said, but was also worried about you reprimanding him for spending money and not telling you. Perhaps he was going to deny the yoga, you caught him out and he was just in a flustered denial mode. I don't necessarily think that this is anything suspicious. It's usual to pay for a course of sessions. Group sessions usually cost around £14/HR where I live, so ten sessions sounds about right. If he didn't know anything about yoga and hadn't booked any, I doubt that he would have been able to come up with that figure on the spot. It does sound like he could be having a private half hour session or that perhaps he has a crush on the yoga teacher? I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he is paying for sex. That sounds like a pretty far leap to make.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/01/2022 21:30

If you have WhatsApp OP -Put the number into your phone contacts under a name and see if anything comes up on your WhatsApp— any picture/profile etc

Marvellousmadness · 30/01/2022 21:31

What he is doing doesn't sound bad
Yoga and massages

Him hiding it and then being all weird about it is super suspicious and indicates more than that is going on.

Have a male acquaintance call the numbers and enquire about sessions

GrandTheftWalrus · 30/01/2022 21:34

Extremely dodgy.

4pmwinetimebebeh · 30/01/2022 21:34

OP dig further. Ring the number or get a make too. Objectively it does sound like escorts is the most likely :( you need to know either way!

User72614643 · 30/01/2022 21:36

If you contact the number from your phone - make sure you remove your WhatsApp picture and any Facebook connection to the number

Buildingthefuture · 30/01/2022 21:37

Absolutely nothing weird about him seeing a chiropractor/doing yoga/having massages to help his bad back. Weird AS FUCK that he’s lied about it, looks ashamed when questioned, is being shady.
I’m so sorry op, you must feel sick. Personally, I think I would have a dig around (call or text the number etc) but you know this is not good. Could you sit him down, face to face and ask him to just tell you the truth? When faced with the evidence, many of these (spineless twats) come up with at least some version of the truth…..

Jewel52 · 30/01/2022 21:38

@VioletOcean

Do you both need to know each others every move of every second of the day. He gave you a reason that he didn’t tell you. Move on
Yeah right Shock - as long as he’s got a reason, however improbable, just move on, it’ll be fine! You can step over all those mounds you’ve swept under the carpet Grin
middleofthelittle · 30/01/2022 21:38

It's absolutely prostitutes.

If it was a company you would google the name or number and it would come up.

Any massage place also would not just be a name.

Use common sense here OP.

Ask him the name address and website/FB page of the places he says he is going and check again the numbers he has been using. I'm willing to bet it won't add up.

Geppili · 30/01/2022 21:46

Very suspicious that there was no professional company associated with the number. I would suspect sex worker services. Sorry.

lemondrop21 · 30/01/2022 21:46

Text the number saying a friend has recommended her and ask for a website to see what classes she offers/book a session

me4real · 30/01/2022 21:51

A dominatrix might say they would work him harder next time. An escort most definitely not. A client sees an escort to relax. Not to be 'worked hard'.

@Guacamole001 But it seems there are two separate things going on- the supposed yoga teacher who said she would work him harder next time, and the other payments to someone else for supposed massage.

I've worked in fitness including Pilates, and some people might talk like that (not all yoga is fluffy) but as a woman it'd be risky.

And that the person's business doesn't show up for the number online makes it unlikely.

So, both of these supposed services/businesses don't add up.

FlasherMcGruff · 30/01/2022 21:52

@DaisyStPatience

He's seeing escorts. You're welcome.
OP is a real person with feelings and your tone comes across as nasty.
TheChosenTwo · 30/01/2022 21:53

Strange that he didn’t feel he could talk to you about yoga and massage, both dh and I do classes and have massages from time to time, it would come up in conversation. We both use the same guy for massage and the same female chiropractor though.
I have archived WhatsApp messages before, not hiding anything from anyone other than myself! I don’t want to engage with them anymore (old boss and past school friend, didn’t open the messages just swiped to get rid of them and they’ve been archived) so I don’t see that as standalone suspicious activity.
But all combined something isn’t quite right and you know it.

Zonder · 30/01/2022 21:53

Have you tried that thing where you save the number then look at the contact on WhatsApp?

Otherwise there's some great advice above from the pp who was a sex worker.

LoisLane66 · 30/01/2022 22:03

DM the phone numbers and I'll find out what you want to know and DM you the details. Then nothing is associated with you. I'm not on FB/ Twitter so no chance of anything coming back to me and it will then be up to you as to what you do about it.

HoneyRose87 · 30/01/2022 22:10

This has alarm bells ringing. If it was just yoga, the messages wouldn’t be archived and he would have been open and honest, including the payments. He’s up to something and I don’t think it’s yoga. From the classes I’ve been to in my time, I’ve never had to pay for classes upfront, always per class.

EarthSight · 30/01/2022 22:18

she was going to “work him hard next time

Where's the whip sound effect on here?

That kind of comment is strange for a yoga teacher. If he was lifting weights or had a personal instructor, that would be more like it......but yoga?

If it's a prostitute, I wouldn't be surprised if it was a dominatrix or if he's gone to a regular prostitute to be bossed around a bit. Has he ever shown that tendency OP?