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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH leaving without saying goodbye

169 replies

Beetlebum1981 · 30/01/2022 09:54

DH said yesterday he wanted to go for a bike ride this morning. He's been looking up routes this AM & I came upstairs to get showered, sort kids out. Just looked out the window and he's cycling off - no goodbye, no letting me know how long he's going out for just an expectation that I & the kids will be ready to go out this afternoon. It hacks me off because I can't plan anything & personally it's just plain rude. His response when I get cross is that I knew he was going for a bike ride and I'm jealous of him getting some free time. AIBU?

OP posts:

Ifbutandmaybe · 01/02/2022 00:56

Its not only rude, but I find quite sad too that any couple would go out without saying goodbye to each other , especially a cyclist, I've been widowed due to late husband having heart attack and so many stories, tv programmes etc about things that can happen in a split second. cyclists being extra vulnerable on roads, I do hope he at least has decency to be back for his parents, and I really think u should at least go out on your own leaving him with kids at least ,

JSL52 · 01/02/2022 06:03

@Scottsy100

I hate this non spoken freedom that men seem to have to just do whatever whenever because you are always there anyway as it’s more your responsibility than it is his. It winds me right up that my OH wakes up in the morning, showers in peace, gets ready and just leaves for work. I also work although from home but literally everything is down to me, making sure the secondary school DS has everything he needs before he leaves, getting up the nursery age child, feeding, watering before nursery if it’s a nursery day etc. what I wouldn’t give for a morning where all I had to worry about was myself 😡

Why do you put up with that ? I'd be telling him you're taking it in turns from now on.

welliesarefuntowear · 01/02/2022 07:14

This kind of behaviour is something I recognise as the beginning of the end of my relationship. When my children were small we were always at his mums and I was always responsible for the children. He would often go out on his bike then. When I tried to talk to him about it he accused me of always starting an argument. Over the years his behaviour became increasingly toxic which resulted in an affair. Which of course he had because he was so unhappy as I was always arguing with him. I realise my story is one end of the scale but you are trying to be supportive at the expense of your own needs. If he doesn't listen to you and does this more and more then you will start to feel completely disenfranchised. Him inviting his parent round and him not being there is so bloody selfish It's like he doesn't value your time. There is a character in Motherland who's husband does this and I want to reach into the screen and choke him for this. It's not you OP!

Toanewstart22 · 01/02/2022 07:18

* This kind of behaviour is something I recognise as the beginning of the end of my relationship. *

It’s not him being a twat.
It’s not you being controlling / pinickity

It’s a relationship on the descent.

Mumkins42 · 01/02/2022 07:18

Without knowing all the context of the relationship this isn't just rude it feels very self focused and completely inconsiderate. I would not tolerate this at all personally. Rather than game playing just try honest open communication. I feel really put upon when you just disappear like this and leave me to watch the children alone without any Comms from you as to when you'll be back. I'm not prepared to do that again. Please communicate with me or I won't be willing to do x y z for you. Simple.

EezyOozy · 01/02/2022 10:13

Yeah I'd not stand for this.

Men who live cycling (and a few other hobbies, but cycling is a bad one) are often inconsiderate bellends and prioritise their hobby over other things, leaving the female partner to pick up the slack with childcare / limiting female partners own free time.

Also the leaving without saying goodbye. Rude as fuck.

Next weekend just have a look at something you want to do in the morning, leave a few websites open or maps lying about, pop our shoes on And go out. See how he likes it.

EezyOozy · 01/02/2022 10:14

*love cycling

Bertiebiscuit · 01/02/2022 11:44

I'm so sorry you are married to this rude selfish uncaring a*se hole - the word you are looking for is Divorce

expatmigrant · 01/02/2022 17:48

@hassletassle

I do both love and live cycling and am a woman who is all those things described by you...still trying to work out if your vitriol is against cyclists or men

HelloFrostyMorning · 01/02/2022 18:53

@hassletassle

Men who live for cycling (and a few other hobbies, but cycling is a bad one) are often inconsiderate bellends and prioritise their hobby over other things, leaving the female partner to pick up the slack with childcare / limiting female partners own free time.

Also the leaving without saying goodbye. Rude as fuck.

This is spades. ^

Spectre8 · 01/02/2022 20:49

Oh wow when I visited my parents this weekend, my Mum and I both left to go to the shops and just said to my dad going to the shops and walked out the door, didn't even say bye or when we'd be back.

Its not rude its just when you've been as a unit for so long formalities are always neccessary.

billy1966 · 01/02/2022 21:18

@welliesarefuntowear, I absolutely agree with you.

This is not the behaviour of a loving, considerate marriage.

This is how people who don't really give a shit behave.

The OP would be wise to take note.

She's married to a selfish prick.

That type are NEVER to be be depended upon.

MoreSmoresthansnores · 01/02/2022 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3Sheetstothewind · 01/02/2022 22:01

Yanbu..i'd be super pissed off at that!

KatherineJaneway · 02/02/2022 06:33

@Beetlebum1981 Out of interest, what time did he get back?

Weatherwax13 · 02/02/2022 06:49

YANBU.
Mum is the default parent so it's fine for the father to just absent himself when he feels like it. He doesn't give the kids a second thought. Why would he? He has no need to.
How vanishingly rare it must be the other way around: Mum walks out the door without notice and just knows that the father will get on with it.
In fact does ANY mother do this? No, they either tell - or for some women, even ask - the kids' dad whenever they go anywhere.
Pisses me off no end. Can you tell?

crumble82 · 02/02/2022 06:57

My DH used to do this despite me asking him to let me know when he off out etc. so without getting into an argument (pointless) I just did it a few times to him. He hated it! He’s a lot better now and if he forgets sometimes he does at least apologise.

librarian55 · 03/02/2022 16:15

My ex-husband used to do this all the time. He never said goodbye when leaving the house, even if he was leaving to work away for a week or more. Just one of the reasons why he is now ex.

Imouttahere · 03/02/2022 17:20

My DH does this too often. (his) family gathering often involve arriving at family members House, the men decide to go to the shop to get food and drinks. Men have quick chat with wives, get shopping lists, hug wife and off they head. My DH is already waiting in the car to drive everyone. No goodbye for me.
DH will mention he plans to get car washed/hair cut/go shop next morning. Following morning, no mention he's leaving, but may call from shop to ask if I want anything. You're in the shop? I didn't even know you'd left the house!
It's rude

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