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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaving without saying goodbye

169 replies

Beetlebum1981 · 30/01/2022 09:54

DH said yesterday he wanted to go for a bike ride this morning. He's been looking up routes this AM & I came upstairs to get showered, sort kids out. Just looked out the window and he's cycling off - no goodbye, no letting me know how long he's going out for just an expectation that I & the kids will be ready to go out this afternoon. It hacks me off because I can't plan anything & personally it's just plain rude. His response when I get cross is that I knew he was going for a bike ride and I'm jealous of him getting some free time. AIBU?

OP posts:
BeagleBeagled · 30/01/2022 10:43

Just go out somewhere with the kids. It's not your responsibility to entertain his parents.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 30/01/2022 10:45

@Beetlebum1981

We're in the process of renovating a house so he had mentioned looking at kitchens this afternoon. I'm stuck here at the moment as his parents are coming over about 11.30.

I'm just glad to see it's not just me who thinks it's rude!

You are absolutely not stuck at home.

Go out. Take the kids and go somewhere for the day. The park, soft play, out for lunch, the cinema, bowling - anywhere.

He arranged for his parents to come over so he's the one who needs to be home to let them in and entertain them. If he complains, tell him "Oh, I assumed you'd cancelled your parents as you went out without telling me where you were going or what time you'd be back. The kids and I have gone to "x" for the day as we didn't want to waste our Sunday waiting for you."

AngelinaFibres · 30/01/2022 10:46

Don't just go out and leave his parents to find an empty house. Passing his thoughtless behaviour on to other people who have nothing to do with it is not cool.

GeneLovesJezebel · 30/01/2022 10:46

Just make sure you have a hobby (or shopping) that takes up as much time as his hobby.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2022 10:47

@Beetlebum1981

To be fair, he's pretty good on the whole. It's just when he's off out to do one of his sports he gets so caught up in getting everything ready and wants to get going that he buggers off with saying good bye/what time he'll be back.

No idea if he'll be back in time to see his parents, they live close by and I get on with them really well so it's not a massive problem but he's the one who's arranged it. I just wish he'd see that he's being rude on these occasions and I'm not a complete nag!

Omg, your bar is so very very low op. Why do so many women (myself included in my thirties, woke up in my forties so very aware I'm being hypocritical), tolerate literally any rude/selfish/thoughtless/controlling/sexist behaviour in the name of 'the success of' being married.
GeneLovesJezebel · 30/01/2022 10:49

His parents are his problem. Go out.
If he’s not back it might just teach him a lesson, and show his parents what a selfish twat he is.

Kenwouldmixitup · 30/01/2022 10:51

It’s a downward trajectory when a relationship becomes ‘tit for tat’, and you feel you have to modify your behaviour downward.

It’s assertiveness that is needed here. Keep reinforcing the same message, even when he puts you down in an act of defensiveness. Better to have the reaction out in the open than be undermined.

‘You’re a nag.’ In his opinion- seemingly not anyone else’s. Perhaps your husband needs reminding how damaging it is to his relationship to be dismissive of his wife’s opinion and feelings. Similarly to be behave this way generally.

You are asking him to be a responsible adult. I suspect even at work he lets his team know when he’s off to lunch rather than disappearing. Simple act of adult responsibility.

Santahasjoinedww · 30/01/2022 10:53

Well make sure you drop into chat he left with no return time
. Rude to all of you op.

NOTANUM · 30/01/2022 10:55

I would absolutely leave the kids to his parents and go out for a coffee and papers, a run or a walk. Be honest and just say you need a break which their son has no issue getting when he wants.
Stop letting him call the shots. He wants his parents over? He should clean/get biscuits and be there. He wants to go look at kitchens? He needs to help with kids’ homework or chores first.

Reallybadidea · 30/01/2022 10:56

Ask yourself - would he be OK if you went out for a few hours, leaving him with the kids, without saying goodbye, without letting him know when you'll be back and with your parents visiting? And if he wouldn't be happy with it, then why are you accepting it?

blackcurrantjam · 30/01/2022 10:59

Mine started doing this. I'm divorcing him.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 30/01/2022 11:01

wtf are you taking the children to look at kitchens??

I'd assumed the ILs were coming to do that, but you do say he expects you and the kids to be ready to go out when he gets back

Just go out with the children....if the ILS are local they can just go back home.

Shoxfordian · 30/01/2022 11:02

Do you ever just go out and not tell him when you’ll be back? He’s selfish

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 30/01/2022 11:03

and "one of his sports" ...so not just a twat cyclist then.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 30/01/2022 11:03

@AngelinaFibres

Don't just go out and leave his parents to find an empty house. Passing his thoughtless behaviour on to other people who have nothing to do with it is not cool.
Why is it OP's job to protect other people from his shitty behaviour?

HE arranged for HIS parents to come and visit. HE then decided to fuck off out of the house without telling other people where he'd gone OR when he'd be back.

People like this don't learn unless they have to face the consequences of their poor behaviour.

DreamerSeven · 30/01/2022 11:03

I’d be totally doing the same to him at the earliest opportunity and see how he likes it. He clearly sees you as the default parent, id disabuse him of that notion by buggering off without a backward glance once his parents have left.

WonderfulYou · 30/01/2022 11:05

It’s rude to not say bye and what time roughly he’ll be back but he did say he was going so if you had any issues you could have brought them up then.

Make sure you speak to him about it later on and just ask him to say bye before he goes.

Samanabanana · 30/01/2022 11:05

He arranged for his parents to come round but has buggered off on a bike ride without saying bye or confirming when he'll be back? Nah. I'd be out until the end of the day and I'd treat me and the kids to a decent Sunday lunch whilst out.

billy1966 · 30/01/2022 11:15

So rude and disrespectful.

I would pack up and be gone and say you assumed he had cancelled his parents.

Also tell them he walked out without a goodbye or return time.

Such unbelievable rudeness and disrespect.

How do some marriages survive on here.

You deserve moreFlowers

Estara · 30/01/2022 11:16

I also have one of these. I just hear the front door being closed. I've had the conversation so many times, it's rude and shows no care imo. How hard is to shout 'I'm off out now, see you later'. I never leave without a goodbye. His excuse is the same. You knew I was going out (you mentioned you might visit your mam at some point today). I don't have a solution. Some people just don't see that they are in a partnership and just think of themselves as singular.

Cantleave · 30/01/2022 11:21

@Beetlebum1981

We're in the process of renovating a house so he had mentioned looking at kitchens this afternoon. I'm stuck here at the moment as his parents are coming over about 11.30.

I'm just glad to see it's not just me who thinks it's rude!

Well, I think if I were you, I might just have to go out at 11.20, if he isn’t back by then!
JugglingJanuary · 30/01/2022 11:29

He'd do this ONCE, I'd hand him his arse on a plate. It wouldn't happen again. Inconsiderate, selfish, arsewipe.

You're not the default parent, you're entitled to a life too. He can negotiate hobby time, but he cannot just fuck off out when & for how long he fancies.

Would your PIL, stay with the kids while you go out & put him on the spot when he gets back?

Wattingerno4 · 30/01/2022 11:33

I’m speechless at how many posters are advising you to retaliate with a childish tit for tat attitude and behave appallingly towards PILs who have done nothing wrong!
Yes it’s rude to leave without saying goodbye, but unless he does this all the time and is a generally uncaring and selfish human being, it’s probably just an oversight and a bit thoughtless. Tell him it messed up your day when he gets back and see if he realises and apologises. Everyone makes mistakes and can be thoughtless at tines.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 30/01/2022 11:37

I’m speechless at how many posters are advising you to retaliate with a childish tit for tat attitude and behave appallingly towards PILs who have done nothing wrong!

It wouldn't be OP behaving appallingly, though - it would be her husband. He arranged for them to come over and then chose to go out - that's not OP's problem and she shouldn't have to enable his selfishness. The fact that it's her IL's coming is irrelevant - she didn't invite them so she doesn't have to wait in for them if she doesn't want to.

Everyone makes mistakes and can be thoughtless at tines

I agree, but it's not thoughtless to go out for a bike ride and not tell your wife and children where you've gone and how long you'll be, it's rude and inconsiderate.

Thoughtless is forgetting to pre-heat the oven for dinner or not remembering to buy toilet paper from the shops, not going out on your own to do your hobby with no thought for anyone else in your life.

godmum56 · 30/01/2022 11:37

@Wattingerno4

I’m speechless at how many posters are advising you to retaliate with a childish tit for tat attitude and behave appallingly towards PILs who have done nothing wrong! Yes it’s rude to leave without saying goodbye, but unless he does this all the time and is a generally uncaring and selfish human being, it’s probably just an oversight and a bit thoughtless. Tell him it messed up your day when he gets back and see if he realises and apologises. Everyone makes mistakes and can be thoughtless at tines.
but the OP does say he does it frequently.....