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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH leaving without saying goodbye

169 replies

Beetlebum1981 · 30/01/2022 09:54

DH said yesterday he wanted to go for a bike ride this morning. He's been looking up routes this AM & I came upstairs to get showered, sort kids out. Just looked out the window and he's cycling off - no goodbye, no letting me know how long he's going out for just an expectation that I & the kids will be ready to go out this afternoon. It hacks me off because I can't plan anything & personally it's just plain rude. His response when I get cross is that I knew he was going for a bike ride and I'm jealous of him getting some free time. AIBU?

OP posts:

trickytimes · 30/01/2022 12:50

Rude and disrespectful

Clymene · 30/01/2022 12:56

I've just reread your post @Wattingerno4. You said you've all got mobiles. So your kids are teenagers.

The OP's clearly aren't otherwise she wouldn't be going upstairs to get them sorted.

So your post is entirely irrelevant to the OP's situation.

I also have teenagers. I wouldn't ever leave the house without saying goodbye and giving them a rough idea of when I'll be back if I'm going to be gone several hours. Because it's rude.

Clymene · 30/01/2022 12:57

Anyway, I hope you've gone out OP and his parents turned up to an empty house so they can see what a rude and self centred man they've raised.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 30/01/2022 13:00

@Wattingerno4

I just think everyone is making a massive mountain out of a molehill. My oh and I and the kids occasionally do this if we’re in a hurry or just really focussed on getting to where we need to be. We all have mobile phones if we need clarification. It is not a big, marriage breaking, he’s an arsehole you must teach him a lesson or divorce him immediately, deal!!

But it's not a one-off. She says he does it all the time and expects her to be around to deal with the children while he's out doing his hobbies. Parents (and partners) who behave like that are arseholes.

It takes less than a minute to shout upstairs and tell your partner you're going out and how long you're expecting to me - for safety reasons as much as anything.

My dad has been going out long-distance running for years - he ALWAYS tells my mum where he's going and when to expect him back. And it's lucky he does, because he fell and knocked himself out a few weeks ago and he could have been in real danger if nobody knew where he'd gone.

heyitsthistle · 30/01/2022 13:02

You should do the same to him. Mention you'll go out at some point today, and then when he has both kids by him just get up and leave the house.

YANBU for being pissed off.

heyitsthistle · 30/01/2022 13:04

Who leaves the house without saying anything? I just don't understand it.

escapingthecity · 30/01/2022 13:07

OP do you have hobbies that you also get to spend solo time on at the weekend?

Ohmybod · 30/01/2022 13:07

@Beetlebum1981

To be fair, he's pretty good on the whole. It's just when he's off out to do one of his sports he gets so caught up in getting everything ready and wants to get going that he buggers off with saying good bye/what time he'll be back.

No idea if he'll be back in time to see his parents, they live close by and I get on with them really well so it's not a massive problem but he's the one who's arranged it. I just wish he'd see that he's being rude on these occasions and I'm not a complete nag!

Lol, he is not getting so “caught up in getting everything ready” that he forgets his manners. It’s a deliberate move so he can take off and enjoy himself on his own agenda without the family claptrap!

When you go out, does he get so caught up in playing with/organising the children that he forgets to ask when you’ll be back?

It really is just manners. He maybe need some help understanding that once you have a family together you need to factor those other people in to your plans all of the time, not just when it suits.

Kenwouldmixitup · 30/01/2022 13:12

OP’s left without telling when they’ll be back

Gardengates · 30/01/2022 13:14

I think the issue here OP is not that he didn't say goodbye but that the default position is that you are responsible for the children.

DH has a stressful job and I don't so on the weekends I am more than happy for him to go out. Sometimes he goes for the whole day or maybe goes out with a friend and stays at his house.

All of this is OK with me, All his arrangements are agreed with me and he never assumes that I automatically have responsibility for the kids

Flea456 · 30/01/2022 13:31

My DH used to always do this. I just couldn’t understand why or how he thought it was ok. I would be upset and pissed off. After many years of training he now only sometimes does it…….lucky me! But I’ve realised it simply doesn’t occur to him. He is generally very one track minded and finds it hard to understand why things that don’t bother him, would bother someone else. He’s not deliberately mean or nasty or doing it to try to upset anyone, he’s just a bit on his own planet. Some people are like this and then it’s up to you to decide if you’re willing to overlook it for the other great qualities they have.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 30/01/2022 13:37

Just do exactly the same. Get ready and bugger off without saying goodbye or letting him know when you’ll be coming back.

When he has a dose of his own
Medicine he might change his behaviour

midsomermurderess · 30/01/2022 13:40

@arethereanyleftatall

You've only told us a little bit of info about your life op, but so far, literally everything you've written seems extremely unhealthy relationship wise.

So little has she written about her life yet you are leaping to a conclusion, founded on nothing, about deep-seated problems in her marriage. Do give over. This site is jammed with would-be counsellors looking for problems anywhere so they can practice their imaginary counselling skills.

MananaTomorrow · 30/01/2022 13:40

@Flea456 how would he react if you were leaving wi telling him you were or how long you would be?
What would he say if you were doing that AND he had other plans?

GrandDuchessRomanov · 30/01/2022 13:42

He purposely didn't say goodbye so you wouldn't be able to put a spanner in his wheels of fucking off and leaving you to it.

Selfish git.

Flea456 · 30/01/2022 13:46

[quote MananaTomorrow]@Flea456 how would he react if you were leaving wi telling him you were or how long you would be?
What would he say if you were doing that AND he had other plans?[/quote]
He probably wouldn’t think anything of it!

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat · 30/01/2022 13:54

Just to reiterate what a PP said earlier.

He says you are jealous of his free time. Why should you be jealous unless you have no free time yourself?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 30/01/2022 14:05

Did midlife crisis man show up home yet, after sawing his bollocks off on his magnificent manbike?

I'd hand him his kids, his parents and everything else and swan out for the day, without saying goodbye.

Chloemol · 30/01/2022 14:27

I would just go out now, take the kids somewhere, park, whatever and not be there when he gets back

Then when he questions it tell him what’s good enough for him, going out and not saying he was going, is good enough for you

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 30/01/2022 14:40

might be slightly different OPbut my dh has a range of complex learning difficulties and these are quite extreme. In my case he goes out without saying bye but I do know where he is going and what he is planning,My dh has not much graspof social niceties and stuff we would so and he can come across as very rude to others,He will tell me if he is planning something in advance and he seems to think thats it job done,It is because he can only focus on one thing so 1)he told me he would be out doing x on monday,thats fine we have no plans,Monday comes and I am out of his headspace,He can only deal with here and now and he is focused on getting ready I am right out of his head he gets ready and goes no bye! Its weird but after 12 yrs I understand and get it but its still weird! Like when he is at work I met some of his work colleagues and they were totally surprised he had a wife and kids as they had never heard of us,,work is work in his world ,home is home but totally different to your situation i guess, I always say bye and have been trying to train him but it doesnt resonate.

RantyAunty · 30/01/2022 15:03

He really thinks he is centre of the universe and everything and everyone should revolve around him.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 30/01/2022 15:17

Cancel his parents and head on out or take his parents out for brunch

Toanewstart22 · 30/01/2022 15:31

Threads like this make me so very very happy that I am a single parent

IamnotSethRogan · 30/01/2022 15:35

Any chance that he said goodbye when you were in the shower and you didn't hear ?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/01/2022 15:35

Did he get back in time for his parents?

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