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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH leaving without saying goodbye

169 replies

Beetlebum1981 · 30/01/2022 09:54

DH said yesterday he wanted to go for a bike ride this morning. He's been looking up routes this AM & I came upstairs to get showered, sort kids out. Just looked out the window and he's cycling off - no goodbye, no letting me know how long he's going out for just an expectation that I & the kids will be ready to go out this afternoon. It hacks me off because I can't plan anything & personally it's just plain rude. His response when I get cross is that I knew he was going for a bike ride and I'm jealous of him getting some free time. AIBU?

OP posts:
HelloFrostyMorning · 31/01/2022 19:54

Excellent post @IamtheDevilsAvocado

HelloFrostyMorning · 31/01/2022 19:58

YANBU. My DH used to do this. (Some years ago when the kids were primary age.) I would get up on a Saturday morning (sometimes Sunday,) and he and the car were both gone. He NEVER left a note, and he had a crappy PAYG mobile phone but NEVER took it, so he was uncontactable.

It pissed me off because

a) I may have wanted to go out myself, on my own or with the kids.

And

b) I couldn't settle with a TV show or film or anything, because I didn't know if he would be back within half an hour!

It used to feel a bit like a manipulative control thing. He may not have meant it like this, but it felt like it. He fucked off with the car with NO PHONE so he wasn't contactable, and I was stuck in, not knowing when he would be back or where he was. He would come back anywhere between an hour and three hours after I got up. 'Just been to my mates/my cousin's/a walk by the river, the shopping centre etc....'

He did it maybe 8 times in about 12 months this one time. So I finally did it to him. Got up at 7am, took the car, left the kids and him in bed, left my phone at home, and fucked off out at 8.15am til about midday. He was STEAMING when I got back. Where the fuck have YOU been? I have been worried out of my mind here, and I wanted to go to the shopping centre this morning. FFS! You coulda left a note or taken your phone!' Hmm

I said 'YOU never fucking do!' Then I pointed out how many times he had fucked off out and not left a note, not said the previous night that he was going out, and had not taken his phone!

He grunted, huffed and puffed, stormed out of the room, and always took his phone after that! Although he did it a lot less after that too!

I think the poster is correct who said they don't/won't say anything, and tell you where they are going, and how long they will be, because they are DA MAN, and it feels (to them) like they're asking permission.

JSL52 · 31/01/2022 20:11

Do you get free time as well ?

SoftSheen · 31/01/2022 20:18

Yes, he should have said goodbye. But really, assuming he is only going out for an hour or two, this is an over-reaction. You knew he was going for a cycle ride this morning, so what's the big deal? If, however, he's not back until 4 pm, then YANBU.

KindChick · 31/01/2022 20:19

I could have posted this, my husband has done exactly this, something about men and bikes and all basic manners go out the window. I agree that it’s not something I can just do without organising everything and then I would say bye that’s me away. I had it out with my husband who did accept the point made. Doesn’t mean they are bad husbands just annoying!

TurquoiseDragon · 31/01/2022 20:37

@SoftSheen

Yes, he should have said goodbye. But really, assuming he is only going out for an hour or two, this is an over-reaction. You knew he was going for a cycle ride this morning, so what's the big deal? If, however, he's not back until 4 pm, then YANBU.
Because he is the one who invited his parents over for 11:30am, with no guarantee he'd be back in time. So dumping hosting his parents onto OP.

He''s also just assumed that OP had no plans and dumped care of the DC onto her.

That's all bloody rude, in my book.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/01/2022 20:47

@LawnFever

It’s just rude not to say bye.

What are you supposed to be doing this afternoon? I’d be tempted to not be ready or just go out with the kids and do whatever you want and when he complains tell him since he buggered off without any indication of what the fuck was happening you made your own plans.

This. and you have to do it every time until he gets the message.
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/01/2022 20:49

Ironically, OP left and didn't tell us when she'd be back Grin

expatmigrant · 31/01/2022 20:54

I'm a cyclist to and will often sneak out without saying bye in case DH wants to come with me Grin

A580Hojas · 31/01/2022 20:58

I think it's the norm to say goodbye to anyone in the house when you are going out, along with an approximate time when you expect to get back. I also think it's the norm to be at home when anyone you have invited round shows up.

MoreSmoresthansnores · 31/01/2022 21:06

Those cycling men are selfish twats on the roads too... I used to live rurally near a big hill that the MAMILs favoured. Literally hundreds of them clogging up the roads every Saturday and Sunday morning with their garmins etc. Trying to wave us past on blind corners... hmm no, this is the route to my house not a Tour de France time trial... And I always did wonder who was looking after their kids (probably after a week of not being home because they commute to the city for work- this being pre-covid) until DH told me a lot of his cycling colleagues were divorced.
Makes sense.

MoreSmoresthansnores · 31/01/2022 21:07

@SoftSheen no it isn't.
This is just the tip of the iceberg on 'default parenting'

Lolabray · 31/01/2022 21:09

Typical man putting themselves first

Spectre8 · 31/01/2022 21:12

Er I won't be pissed off about it, he told you he was going out. Unless he has shown form for not coming back on previous rides in time for going out thats been agreed then why not trust him as an adult to be back in time. Obviously if he isn't then thats an issue.

But look his parents are coming round 11.30 then you both know your going to look at stuff in the afternoon. He knows when to be back by, does it really need to be said ill be an hour or i'll be back in time for xyz.

Personally I'd want a certain level of trust and freedom in a relationship that I don't have to report on my movements all the time. Enough to say im going out with trust that i'll back in time for whatever without having to explicitly say it. Now if I then don't and break that trust I'd understand OP being pissed off or finding it rude.

But hey thats just me, obviously judging by other people they find it rude and want that but maybe its me personally whose lived very indepdently for a long time.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/01/2022 21:14

I think anyone who says 'You're just jealous of my free time' understands completely that the division of 'fair time' is unfair to the nth degree.

I hope OP got a resolution she can live with.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/01/2022 21:14

uhh, that should be 'division of FREE time...."

MoreSmoresthansnores · 31/01/2022 21:42

I think the fact OP is annoyed is probably because she doesn't have the same amount of free time or freedom from responsibilities and her DH has some how convinced her that if she moans she is being unreasonable or a nag or controlling...but really he has the power. Even if subtle.
It is disrespectful and misogyny. And I've rarely ever seen it in reverse. So a woman doing it to a man.
it happened to me in a different way and it took 13 years to see it for what it was. Control and a lack of respect for your role and your time. It's never JUST a bike ride.

Spectre8 · 31/01/2022 22:06

@MoreSmoresthansnores

I think the fact OP is annoyed is probably because she doesn't have the same amount of free time or freedom from responsibilities and her DH has some how convinced her that if she moans she is being unreasonable or a nag or controlling...but really he has the power. Even if subtle. It is disrespectful and misogyny. And I've rarely ever seen it in reverse. So a woman doing it to a man. it happened to me in a different way and it took 13 years to see it for what it was. Control and a lack of respect for your role and your time. It's never JUST a bike ride.
Well thats a choice by OP. She can have that same freedom if she wants it.

In my relationship, I'm the one off on my bike rides. I don't say when I'll be back there is basic trust there that if things are planned I'm back in time. Similarly he will go out. let me know he going to do x and comes back in time for other stuff.

We don't feel the need to have to give times cos we aren't kids and don't need to treat each other like that. We're adults with common sense.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/01/2022 22:08

We don't feel the need to have to give times cos we aren't kids and don't need to treat each other like that. We're adults with common sense.

Except he invites his parents over and may or may not be there. He's clearly not an adult with common sense.

Scottsy100 · 31/01/2022 22:17

I hate this non spoken freedom that men seem to have to just do whatever whenever because you are always there anyway as it’s more your responsibility than it is his. It winds me right up that my OH wakes up in the morning, showers in peace, gets ready and just leaves for work. I also work although from home but literally everything is down to me, making sure the secondary school DS has everything he needs before he leaves, getting up the nursery age child, feeding, watering before nursery if it’s a nursery day etc. what I wouldn’t give for a morning where all I had to worry about was myself 😡

Goatinthegarden · 31/01/2022 22:20

DH and I don’t have children and are both free to go where we want, when we want.

We still don’t leave the house without saying bye and telling the other a rough plan of where we’re going and when to expect a return. Surely it’s just basic manners?

Spectre8 · 31/01/2022 22:21

@MrsTerryPratchett

We don't feel the need to have to give times cos we aren't kids and don't need to treat each other like that. We're adults with common sense.

Except he invites his parents over and may or may not be there. He's clearly not an adult with common sense.

Okay so? I have my parents come over and I can still fit in a bike ride before they come and get showered and ready.

OP hasn't been back to confirm if he was back in time. Your assuming thats the case. What evidence has OP given to say otherwise other than her basically worrying he won't be back in time because he didn't say when he will be back. Not even said he has done this in the past. Noone knows.

And lets be honest unless its the first time parents are visiting even if he was 10 mins late who cares! Literally who gives a flying duck. What if he had popped to the shops and got stuck in traffic is that more of an acceptable reason to not be back in time. Honestly its like people love drama over such minor stuff.

Now if OP came back and said he was late for our agreed shopping together or other family activity then yes I'd totally get the annoyance.

But so far all she is pissed off is that she wasn't told, like you'd expect a child to tell you cos of obvious safety reasons.

lisaandalan · 31/01/2022 22:28

Next weekend you do the same, go out without saying goodbye and leave the kids behind. X

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 31/01/2022 23:15

So OP, what actually was the point of this thread?

Marvellousmadness · 31/01/2022 23:36

Do the same to him next weekend. See how he likes them apples

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