Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH leaving without saying goodbye

169 replies

Beetlebum1981 · 30/01/2022 09:54

DH said yesterday he wanted to go for a bike ride this morning. He's been looking up routes this AM & I came upstairs to get showered, sort kids out. Just looked out the window and he's cycling off - no goodbye, no letting me know how long he's going out for just an expectation that I & the kids will be ready to go out this afternoon. It hacks me off because I can't plan anything & personally it's just plain rude. His response when I get cross is that I knew he was going for a bike ride and I'm jealous of him getting some free time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 30/01/2022 11:43

i wouldnt see it as a massive issue, but it is a bit rude, espe since his parents are coming. Id probably go out with the kids and make sure i was not there for 11.30. His parents live nearby so it wont be a long journey for them if hes not back in time and if he isnt, then at least it will force the conversation as to why he can do what the fuck he wants without telling you, but you are the default carer who is expected to wait in.
Id say if its good for the goose, its good for the gander. Id also make a point of going out by myself in future more and leaving him with the kids without warning.
Sometimes people only learn when they realise they dont like it when its done to them.

timeisnotaline · 30/01/2022 11:43

I’d just walk out when he gets back. And when he’s where were you we were going to see kitchens and you’ve just disappeared you say oh I thought you weren’t that bothered as you hadnt said anything before leaving. I would have told you I really needed some time on my own today but you had just gone when I turned around. Will have to do kitchens next week if you can try not to pull a disappearing act.

UmbilicusProfundus · 30/01/2022 11:44

YABU for breaking MN etiquette and telling us this is about cycling in your first post rather than mysteriously referring to it as a ‘hobby’

MananaTomorrow · 30/01/2022 11:46

Oh please do something about it.

Leave before him and let him deal with the dcs. I mean if he can just swarm off when he feels like it, so can you right?
Next time he invites his parents? Don’t do anything at all. Ask him what he has planned for lunch maybe.

Despite you saying he is a nice guy blablabla, I’m sure there are MANY other instances where he takes you for granted and just expects you to fit around whatever he wants to do and be his secretary/maid etc…

Don’t accept it!

Momijin · 30/01/2022 11:48

Wtf? I hope you've gone out. From now on, start doing your own thing without telling him. Go out for the day and see what he says.

Unless you can sit down with him and discuss it.

MananaTomorrow · 30/01/2022 11:49

@Wattingerno4

I’m speechless at how many posters are advising you to retaliate with a childish tit for tat attitude and behave appallingly towards PILs who have done nothing wrong! Yes it’s rude to leave without saying goodbye, but unless he does this all the time and is a generally uncaring and selfish human being, it’s probably just an oversight and a bit thoughtless. Tell him it messed up your day when he gets back and see if he realises and apologises. Everyone makes mistakes and can be thoughtless at tines.
Well he is uncaring most if the time if he thinks it’s ok to
  • plan his hobby and leave wo even telling his partner how long he will be
  • let her organise all the meal/see PIL that HE invited but it’s not even sure he will actually be there
  • but then expects her to be at his beck and call and do what HE has decided in the afternoon (go and see the kitchen).

She isn’t allowed to have a word on anything because otherwise ‘she is just jealous’.

It’s not just the leaving wo saying goodbye, which is rude anyway.
It’s the whole titube around it and smacks of disrespect and taking her for granted.

MrMrsJones · 30/01/2022 11:49

My DH would never go anywhere without giving me a kiss and an idea of when he will be back.

And if he arranged for family to be here, he would be here too.

I would go off for the day and leave him to it

tkwal · 30/01/2022 11:50

If he's not home and ready by the time you and the children are, go without him. In future tell him what you're planning to do once only and go ahead and do it. He might take a while but will eventually learn that things go more smoothly with proper (2 way!!)communication

Tulips21 · 30/01/2022 11:53

@Beetlebum1981

To be fair, he's pretty good on the whole. It's just when he's off out to do one of his sports he gets so caught up in getting everything ready and wants to get going that he buggers off with saying good bye/what time he'll be back.

No idea if he'll be back in time to see his parents, they live close by and I get on with them really well so it's not a massive problem but he's the one who's arranged it. I just wish he'd see that he's being rude on these occasions and I'm not a complete nag!

I would simply go out! Not your problem he invoted his parents and cba to poss be back to entertain them If they call and ask where you are- Get dh to explain!

I would not tolerate such selfish behaviour from dh tbh

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2022 11:53

Op..would you ever consider doing the following...
Inviting your parents over for 11.30, then leaving the house in the morning without a word of how long you'll be, before returning at say 1pm and expect your dh to have everything ready for what you've told him will be happening this afternoon? Thought not.

BoredZelda · 30/01/2022 11:54

You are default parent.

Try doing the same and see what his response is.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2022 11:57

@arethereanyleftatall

Op..would you ever consider doing the following... Inviting your parents over for 11.30, then leaving the house in the morning without a word of how long you'll be, before returning at say 1pm and expect your dh to have everything ready for what you've told him will be happening this afternoon? Thought not.
Oh, and without a slither of an apology once you're back, after all you've done nothing wrong. And if your h dared suggest there was anything wrong with this behaviour, would you call him a jealous nag?
Wattingerno4 · 30/01/2022 12:04

I just think everyone is making a massive mountain out of a molehill. My oh and I and the kids occasionally do this if we’re in a hurry or just really focussed on getting to where we need to be. We all have mobile phones if we need clarification. It is not a big, marriage breaking, he’s an arsehole you must teach him a lesson or divorce him immediately, deal!!

greenlynx · 30/01/2022 12:07

I’d be tempted to go out at 11.20 (not far just a bit away from the house). We never go out of the house without notifying the other side for how long, I was brought up that it’s rude. My dad used to say that I could come back whenever I wanted but I should tell them when (and stick to my word).

NerrSnerr · 30/01/2022 12:09

How old are the kids? Couldn't think of anything worse than a family trip out to look at kitchens. In our family one adult would go and take photos etc so everyone isn't dragged around.

After your in-laws have gone go and do what you want with the children. Don't put that on hold for some kitchens (or take the equal time to yourself that he had this morning and he can do stuff with them).

TruJay · 30/01/2022 12:10

My best friend’s partner does this and I think it’s so bloody rude! She’ll be upstairs with the kids or doing something and she’ll just hear the door go and he’ll be gone! There hasn’t even been any discussion about where he’s going whether that’s the evening before or the morning of, he just walks out! Even the kids are like “where’s daddy gone?” and she doesn’t have an answer.

It’s really odd I think and a blatant lack of respect. It’s not even about knowing where they are going or for how long as in a control aspect. It’s literally “popping to the shop love, do you need anything?”, “off to work now, see you later.” It’s just curtesy really, isn’t it?

Also when you have kids it isn’t just a given that you can just walk out the house and leave everything to the other parent. It has to be discussed and agreed that it works for both of you or you plan a time when it works better.

Dh went to the gym for an hour this morning. It wasn’t planned but dd and I were having a lazy morning in bed, ds has slept out at a friends and he suggested going to the gym, no problem, he got ready, said see you in an hour and off he went.

Both our kids have disabilities so we may have a different set up but we can’t just leave without saying anything. If one of us needs help with something or a “can you just keep an eye on them while I quickly do this?” Etc but leaving unannounced, no way, so rude and I wouldn’t be accepting of it. What if you just walked out and went awol?!

I’d be really pissed off OP. And what about your free time? Do you get any? And to do it when his parents are coming over at his arrangement! No way! Whether you like them or not, I think that’s just rude, to both his parents and to you.

godmum56 · 30/01/2022 12:13

If you do it to each other then its 50/50 and you both accept it then fine.....its when one partner exclusively does it to the other that its a problem....and when there are expectations left on the partner who is left with the kids....in laws arriving arranged by the partner who is not there....an afternoon outing at some point but no idea when.....then by me its plain rude.

Clymene · 30/01/2022 12:20

@Wattingerno4

I just think everyone is making a massive mountain out of a molehill. My oh and I and the kids occasionally do this if we’re in a hurry or just really focussed on getting to where we need to be. We all have mobile phones if we need clarification. It is not a big, marriage breaking, he’s an arsehole you must teach him a lesson or divorce him immediately, deal!!
You regularly go out and leave your husband with your small children without saying goodbye and giving him no idea of when you're planning on coming back?

I don't believe you.

TurquoiseDragon · 30/01/2022 12:25

@Wattingerno4

I’m speechless at how many posters are advising you to retaliate with a childish tit for tat attitude and behave appallingly towards PILs who have done nothing wrong! Yes it’s rude to leave without saying goodbye, but unless he does this all the time and is a generally uncaring and selfish human being, it’s probably just an oversight and a bit thoughtless. Tell him it messed up your day when he gets back and see if he realises and apologises. Everyone makes mistakes and can be thoughtless at tines.
He does this frequently. It isn't being thoughtless, it's being rude and inconsiderate, and also arrrogant, in that he's dumped the responsibility for his parents onto OP. And that's before we go into the arrrogance ot him assuming OP is default parent and leaving her with the DC without any qualms.

Given that he's done it so often, I would give him at least one dose of his own actions. Because clearly, talking hasn't stopped this rude behaviour.

museumum · 30/01/2022 12:26

This is not only rude it’s pretty unsafe too. My dh is out cycling and thankfully he has said where he’s going roughly and when he expects to be back. And we’ve got find friends on our phones so if he doesn’t show up as expected I can see if he’s lying in a ditch somewhere or just running late.

museumum · 30/01/2022 12:28

However I do think that when thd OP saw him looking at routes this morning she could easily have said “what about your parents coming and we’re you not muttering about kitchens?”
Communication does go both ways.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/01/2022 12:29

No idea if he'll be back in time to see his parents, they live close by and I get on with them really well so it's not a massive problem but he's the one who's arranged it. I just wish he'd see that he's being rude on these occasions and I'm not a complete nag!

Stop telling him. You've already told him, he gets it, he just doesn't care. Make your statement another way. Go out. Don't be there when his parents come and let him explain why he wasn't there if he 's not back in time.

Actions speak louder than words.

Pyewhacket · 30/01/2022 12:29

I couldn't get worked up over a bike ride.

godmum56 · 30/01/2022 12:37

@MananaTomorrow
loving "tititube"

Grin
Wattingerno4 · 30/01/2022 12:38

Clymene

Wattingerno4
I just think everyone is making a massive mountain out of a molehill. My oh and I and the kids occasionally do this if we’re in a hurry or just really focussed on getting to where we need to be. We all have mobile phones if we need clarification. It is not a big, marriage breaking, he’s an arsehole you must teach him a lesson or divorce him immediately, deal!!

You regularly go out and leave your husband with your small children without saying goodbye and giving him no idea of when you're planning on coming back?

I don't believe you.

Um, no, not regularly, as I said, occasionally and also nowhere did I say kids were small. But you don’t have to believe me if you don’t want to.