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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH leaving without saying goodbye

169 replies

Beetlebum1981 · 30/01/2022 09:54

DH said yesterday he wanted to go for a bike ride this morning. He's been looking up routes this AM & I came upstairs to get showered, sort kids out. Just looked out the window and he's cycling off - no goodbye, no letting me know how long he's going out for just an expectation that I & the kids will be ready to go out this afternoon. It hacks me off because I can't plan anything & personally it's just plain rude. His response when I get cross is that I knew he was going for a bike ride and I'm jealous of him getting some free time. AIBU?

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 30/01/2022 15:37

@Beetlebum1981

We're in the process of renovating a house so he had mentioned looking at kitchens this afternoon. I'm stuck here at the moment as his parents are coming over about 11.30.

I'm just glad to see it's not just me who thinks it's rude!

So he knows his parents are coming over but he buggers off out and not only leaves you to entertain them but might not see his house own parents;that's just plain rude.

Thé comment about you being jealous about not getting time to yourself;that was mean;do you get time to yourself?;if not:why not?;does he facilitate you getting time to yourself?

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 30/01/2022 15:47

He's completely out of order, the selfish git. Ask him how he would like it if you did the same. And have a serious talk about how he can better communicate with you. And make sure you have the same amount of free time as he does!

NoKandoo · 30/01/2022 15:55

@heyitsthistle

Who leaves the house without saying anything? I just don't understand it.
I did, when I was married. It was not a happy marriage.

Not telling my XH where I was going or what I was doing was a tiny attempt to keep a bit of freedom when I felt completely crushed at home.

Agree with those who say that tit for tat behaviour is not called for, though. It isn't the fault of the PIL, and I wouldn't use my crossness with my husband as a reason for them not to see their grandchildren and vice versa.

However, I might well have sent him a text to say that, given that I have no idea when he will be back, I will be going out with the children at 1.30 (or whatever time). Then I'd go and do something nice with them.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2022 16:25

You need to be gone when he gets home. Well maybe not today since the PiLs are coming and it's not really fair to them to be caught in the middle of this. Plus it would be more 'effective' if you were to leave when he's the 'PIC' (parent in charge)*. So someday soon you announce in the morning that you have to go to the shops 'sometime today'. Then arrange for the DC to be playing in the yard or watching a show with him keeping an eye (PIC). Then skedaddle to the shop to pick up some random thing. Be gone long enough for him to call so you can say "But I told you I was going to the shops today".

*PIC (pick) was the tongue in cheek term DH and I used if we needed to be sure which one of us was responsible for keeping a close eye on the DC.

Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Trymybestbutfailed · 30/01/2022 18:33

This thread came upin an unrelated search but has intregued me enough to join mumsnet in order to comment.

I don't know the outcome (as nothing been added 11:00) but I would have said this.

a) Being enthusiastic over a hobby/sport etc is no excuse. Common courtesy should mean your DH said 'goodbye' and afford the opportunity for a quick exchange about plans for later in the day.

b) It is also in his own interests to let you known roughly where he's going and approximately when he will be back. How else can you decide when to report him as missing. Furthermore, the emergency services would have no idea where to look for him and might not find him in time.

b) As you have already tried to moderate his behaviour in a civil way, then responding by treating him the same way is understandable (and god knows I've done it myself in similar circumstances). However treating fire with fire can have two outcomes. Either all the oxygen/fuel is used up and the flames go out, or the fire simple gets bigger and harder to deal with. Besides, it there is another option.

c) it isn't the IL's fault so I hope you didn't leave them in the lurch. DH has arranged for his parents to come over and they will be expecting him to be home. If he doesn't show up in time, I've no doubt they will express their dissatisfaction to him directly and this ought to 'put out the fire' without you having to 'grab an exstinquisher'.

Lalliella · 30/01/2022 18:57

Really rude. And I say that as a cyclist, I’d never do that. You need to have a chat with him about some ground rules. And when do you get time to yourself?

aloris · 30/01/2022 20:04

This seems to me like a boundary problem. He has gone off for who knows how long. You are stuck at home with the kids. You can't plan anything for your day because

(a) you don't know when he'll be back,

(b) his parents are coming at 11:30 and you don't know if he'll be back to meet them, so you need to stay at least till 11:30 to make sure they aren't standing at your door wondering what's happening, and you may even need to stay until an unknown time after that because you don't know if he'll even come back to see them at all, and

(c) when he gets back, whenever that is, he'll expect you to have yourself and the kids ready to go kitchen shopping, then you'll presumably spend the rest of the afternoon looking at kitchens.

So it's early in the morning and you can't plan anything fun for yourself and the kids, but you could equally spend the whole day just waiting around for him to return and demand you all be ready to do what he wants. If you complain about this he will accuse you of being nagging and controlling, and yet it is you whose entire day is being bogged down in the need to enable the activities HE has chosen for all of you. While he will get to the end of the day having planned and completed three things he wanted to do: his bike ride, his parents entertained and spent time with their grandkids, and kitchen shopping.

The question is, where can you set boundaries around his expectations of you? He will not allow you to set boundaries around his behavior, and any boundaries you set for yourself are deemed "tit for tat." That is a problem.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 30/01/2022 23:34

Is he not back yet?

BoredZelda · 31/01/2022 12:15

How old are the kids? Couldn't think of anything worse than a family trip out to look at kitchens. In our family one adult would go and take photos etc so everyone isn't dragged around.

My 12 year old loves trips out looking for kitchens, furniture etc.

Mitzi067 · 31/01/2022 17:50

Yet another OP has disappeared!

Smackthepony · 31/01/2022 17:57

My ex used to do this all the time! He would say he was going to do something but not say if he meant today, tomorrow, or next week. I would go upstairs for a shower and come back down to find our 2 year old toddling around on his own. Ex just walked out without letting me know or saying bye. He might be gone all day and my plans, if I had any, had to be cancelled. When he eventually came home and I was livid he would go off at me about how I was a controlling witch and that he’s told me in advance. He gaslighted me into believing I was in the wrong! One of many reasons he’s now my ex! It took me a long time recover from this mindf*ck!

It’s totally rude, disrespectful and unacceptable. Sort this out now OP, it’s not a trivial thing, it’s a serious issue.

CheesyWeez · 31/01/2022 18:21

Tell us how you got on OP. It is not on.

I hope you take some free time for yourself.

phishy · 31/01/2022 18:34

You are a mug entertaining his parents when he's off biking.

Cappuccino17 · 31/01/2022 18:40

I think husband dif something similar but his version was bye. I asked how long will you be? (Got 2 kids a baby and toddler) I don't know is his reply.
Me: but I need to get an idea? So I can plan.
Him: you always make a fuss when I want to do something I feel pressured. Walks away.

Hmm... don't have any issues.just wamt to know. But he sees it as pressure! He isn't single and free tho!

Cappuccino17 · 31/01/2022 18:42

Honestly tho these things happen in marriages. No ones marriage is perfect. If its a 1 off then just nip it I'm the bud. He mightve felt desperate for some air it happens to people. We are human!!

Cappuccino17 · 31/01/2022 18:42

In * stupid typos.

iamnlhfss · 31/01/2022 18:43

Had this with my ex. We didn't have kids (thank goodness).
It's rude and annoying.
If you are living with someone, are married, have a family together then you need to keep the other person up to speed with plans - not just randomly go off with no indication of when you'll be back and not randomly fail to come home after work because you've gone out for a drink.
Of course you should be able to have time for yourself and to do your own hobbies and meet friends but once you have decided to enter a serious relationship with someone then you do need to communicate so that the other person knows what is going on and what plans they can then make for the day or the evening.

It absolutely drove me nuts with my ex and he threw the "controlling" word at me all the time, said I was "spoiling his fun". etcetc.
Nope. It's about respect. The respect of letting someone know who is waiting at home what the plan is. It's not about stopping someone from going cycling.

What a knob your DH is.

Whatamess582 · 31/01/2022 18:59

YANBU about him going and not say where is going or when he will be back. They just common courtesy and there is no excuse for not extending that to his wife. But at the same time,YABU to say you can’t plan anything. He has taken the bike not the car. Go out, stay in….. he has chosen to have a day away from the family….. as rude as it is, just plan your day regardless. You are perfectly capable of existing without him. Do it.

Tigger1895 · 31/01/2022 19:08

Do you need a hand hiding the body? What an absolute complete f’head.

WouldBeGood · 31/01/2022 19:15

Don’t wait in for his parents, nor on the off chance he’ll want to do something later. Just do your own thing with the DCs or whatever

Thewoolmill · 31/01/2022 19:24

I think it’s rude. I think when you have other people in your life you factor them in. Being open about your plans costs nothing. Why should the other person hang around waiting for person 1 to decide? I imagine if pressed the DH would say his wife is controlling. Too many men are selfish and seem to think when they have a family they can still act like they want and do what they want without a thought for anyone else.

daisychain01 · 31/01/2022 19:40

His response when I get cross is that I knew he was going for a bike ride and I'm jealous of him getting some free time.

OK so he recognises that he's off on his jolly bike ride, and that there's potential for you to feel resentful, but is he actually doing anything to give you some quality time of your own?

If all he does is enjoy gloating at how easy it is for him to check out of family life and bugger off while you have the caring responsibilities then I'd be tempted to boot his sorry arse into next week

MerryMarigold · 31/01/2022 19:41

Dying to hear rest of story now OP.

Did the parents arrive?
Did he come back in time to see them?
Did you go kitchen shopping?
What did he say when you brought up how rude and disrespectful he was to you and his parents?

Lunificent · 31/01/2022 19:48

Is he autistic?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/01/2022 19:49

@TruJay

My best friend’s partner does this and I think it’s so bloody rude! She’ll be upstairs with the kids or doing something and she’ll just hear the door go and he’ll be gone! There hasn’t even been any discussion about where he’s going whether that’s the evening before or the morning of, he just walks out! Even the kids are like “where’s daddy gone?” and she doesn’t have an answer.

It’s really odd I think and a blatant lack of respect. It’s not even about knowing where they are going or for how long as in a control aspect. It’s literally “popping to the shop love, do you need anything?”, “off to work now, see you later.” It’s just curtesy really, isn’t it?

Also when you have kids it isn’t just a given that you can just walk out the house and leave everything to the other parent. It has to be discussed and agreed that it works for both of you or you plan a time when it works better.

Dh went to the gym for an hour this morning. It wasn’t planned but dd and I were having a lazy morning in bed, ds has slept out at a friends and he suggested going to the gym, no problem, he got ready, said see you in an hour and off he went.

Both our kids have disabilities so we may have a different set up but we can’t just leave without saying anything. If one of us needs help with something or a “can you just keep an eye on them while I quickly do this?” Etc but leaving unannounced, no way, so rude and I wouldn’t be accepting of it. What if you just walked out and went awol?!

I’d be really pissed off OP. And what about your free time? Do you get any? And to do it when his parents are coming over at his arrangement! No way! Whether you like them or not, I think that’s just rude, to both his parents and to you.

My guess there is some 'I'm my own man' narrative going on in these examples?

Some men think by showing basic courtesy by telling their partners they are going out... That they are somehow asking permission.

My OH tried this with me when we first together ... In his family... 4 sons and father... They just randomly disappear, sometimes hours at a time... Their elderly mother is about to dish up dinner and she has to ring around /go out into garages and see if she can find them there...

Bloody rude and no respect...

It's just dominant narrative of women being the default parent/cook/organiser of the household /under butler... Answering door/telephone calls... For people that cant be arsed with basic courtesy...

Expecting women just to hang around waiting for you to return... If at all...

My OH didn't do this after the first month we were together... He now sees how rubbish this is..

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