Things that mostly only happen on mumsnet

[Imyourvenus]

Heres mine;

You must love MIL even if she is a bitch toad from hell

You must never say anything negative about anyone on benefits

Admitting to having no friends

Every 3rd person is NC with their family

Having a nanny

I’m sure I have more

@KKslidoff

A cleaner and leaving your husband are the solution to all of life's problems.

I think this one is true to a surprising extent. It's true for me, I'm separating, and not being made miserable and anxious by the dirt and disorder DW has inflicted on me for the last 25 years is one of the biggest things I'm looking forward to.

Strictly speaking, I won't need a cleaner, as without her living here, most of the dirt and disorder won't occur in the first place.

Getting her out does solve virtually all life's (solvable) problems. I'm generally very good at solving problems, so any problem that doesn't involve her will already have been solved. Almost by definition the only solvable problems I will have after a while in a relationship will be the ones inflicted on me by an intractable partner.

(To be philosophical for a moment, I'm sure someone will tell me where I'm going wrong is in defining the problems that could be easily solved by another person being reasonable or caring as solveable problems. They will claim that since I can't make someone else behave how I think I should, these are not solvable problems, and it's only the false hope that they are that keeps me in my state of perpetual anger and misery. I can't see it that way though.)

Taking in other people's ironing will solve major financial problems.

@sparklingbrook Ooh now you've done it. Here on MN any consumption of any food or drink prior to reaching the checkout is theft. THEFT!
Even if you pay for the consumed goods at the checkout, it's still theft because you hadn't purchased it prior to consumption or something.
Even worse if you have children with you, or you gave it to them to consume because you're setting them up for a lifetime of moral failings.
Or something.

[quote Norgie]@sparklingbrook Ooh now you've done it. Here on MN any consumption of any food or drink prior to reaching the checkout is theft. THEFT!
Even if you pay for the consumed goods at the checkout, it's still theft because you hadn't purchased it prior to consumption or something.
Even worse if you have children with you, or you gave it to them to consume because you're setting them up for a lifetime of moral failings.
Or something.[/quote]
I know! As I was watching DS at his Graduation ceremony I was very relieved that despite the baguette gnawing/stealing every Sunday in Asda he made it through.
I didn't let him eat any weighted items, I'm not a monster, mind.

If your partner has a tracker for your phone, they are a controlling abusive bastard and you need to leave them today. (This arose in a thread recently, the dog walking one where OP tracked her husband.) We have an ancient iPad with the Where's my Phone feature on it. My husband uses it sometimes when I cycle to work to reassure him I've arrived safely. It came in handy when I didn't, as I'd come off and fractured my arm and as the ambulance was going to take 2 hours he had to come and take me to a&e. But oh no, he's controlling and I need to leave him. I've been with him 30 years. I work as a mental health nurse and have spoken to lots of women over the years in abusive relationships. I'm not one of them, but apparently this little act to reassure my husband I've not been in an accident means I'm wrong.

If a man texts you immediately after a date then he's too keen and must be ghosted/blocked.
If a man waits 24 hours to text you then he's not interested and is just stringing you along, he must be ghosted/blocked.

@Sparklingbrook

I might be mixing with the wrong crowd *@UserBot9to5*, but instant coffee is a fairly normal thing to have in my world. That said, I always have a tea when visiting as I prefer it and it's easier to get right. Oh and I have a Velvetiser at home which i also assume is wrong.

I had a friend to visit last week and gave her instant coffee. I'm obviously going straight to hell.

@tulippa

Taking in other people's ironing will solve major financial problems.

I see this all the time on this kind of thread, but have never seen it actually advised on MN!

My MIL refuses to lock her blind, deaf arthritic 17 year old Jack Russell in the coal shed when I bring my PFB 17 year old son round to visit. I have told her it’s not safe.
Mumsnet answers. Your MIL is toxic and cannot be trusted to keep your children safe go NC and LTB husband for not agreeing with you.
I have just acquired a dog from a man who came to my door, it looks like a cross breed between a staffy, American pit bull, and a tiger of some sort. MIL has called me out on this as she thinks it’s irresponsible to have this dog around my week old baby.
Mumsnet answer. Your MIL is toxic go NC she’s had her time being a parent you know what’s best for your children. These type of dogs are great with kids, mine was as soft as a brush and only once mistook the post man’s leg for his toy.

@Sparklingbrook Well done to your son 👍 Clearly if you would have let him free graze on Coco pop's, he would have failed at school and spent his life working as a burger flipper.
Which by MN standards would have had you tarred and covered in feathers at the very least.
Obviously no self respecting Mnetter would be seen anywhere near a fast food outlet, ever!

Anyone added that nhs/care workers are disgusting plague spreader, that were so lucky to have a job during the pandemic. Oh and your GP is the devil.

That nobody has had decent care from the nhs. Everyone has been left disfigured or killed.

That people with pro vaccination opinions are now talking the same shite as those who have capacity and have made their own choice, have autonomy, same people who say abortion/nose piercing your choice. I know 2 hugely different but seen on threads.

Your neighbour farts that loud you can hear him. 101/111/999 council, environmental health . Yea some posters do actually use 111

Cats/dog/stepchildren are all evil

No contact with anyone that gives an honest opinion about you being a twat .

Different breed of people on here, who either need a reality check or a book publisher.

Don't get me started on anxiety...

Sorry for the typos 😬

A lot of the threads about tracking each other mention knowing when to put the dinner on, or having a cuppa ready for when someone arrives.
For me a text saying 'just leaving' does the trick, and a hands free call to say they're in traffic if they're held up.
I couldn't be doing with tracking or want anyone tracking me but I can understand that some feel comforted by it in some circumstances.

Scented sanitary towels. I can believe that you don't like them. I can believe that they irritate your skin. I can even, at a push, believe that you may get a slight whiff of them if you're very close to a coworkers open handbag that contains a few.

In no universe do I believe that when you are in close proximity with someone who is wearing one, that you can detect the "stench" of it, through menstrual blood and several layers of clothing, to the point where it has any impact upon you whatsoever.

Everyone who posts a DM link apologises for doing so. Posters thereafter scream in horror at clicking on said DM link. 🤣

@DrSbaitso

Scented sanitary towels. I can believe that you don't like them. I can believe that they irritate your skin. I can even, at a push, believe that you may get a slight whiff of them if you're very close to a coworkers open handbag that contains a few.

In no universe do I believe that when you are in close proximity with someone who is wearing one, that you can detect the "stench" of it, through menstrual blood and several layers of clothing, to the point where it has any impact upon you whatsoever.

Menstrual blood smells if around long enough and combined with artificial scent, is pretty awful. However it is possible to buy unscented sanitary towels so why not choose them?

Menstrual blood smells if around long enough and combined with artificial scent, is pretty awful. However it is possible to buy unscented sanitary towels so why not choose them?

Why not choose a scented one if that's what you like?

But yes, I know the blood will smell if exposed to the air for too long. The point is, with that smell, and several layers of clothing, there is no way the "stench" of the scent will have any impact on you whatsoever. And if you really can tell whenever your colleagues are on their periods because of their smells, as some people on here apparently can, one or both of you has a serious issue of some kind.

Hahahahaha I love this thread.

Only on MN:

nobody ever breaks the speed limit. Ever. Doing 32 in a 30 you're an unhinged driver who deserves to be put away for life.

Most hate child free weddings and the bride is utterly selfish for wanting one.

Always a strong whiff of health anxiety in the air.

The children of the mumsnetters are either A* Oxbridge worthy, or have SEN. No in between.

Heaven forfend giving your toddler a munch bunch. It HAS to be organic plain Greek yogurt with chia seeds and rabbit food.

Everyone who doesn't drive lives rurally with limited access to anything. But then refuse to drive as it causes them anxiety. Why live rurally then.

TV time should be limited to 15 minutes a day when you have a relentless toddler at home, washing coming out your arsehole, ironing piled and everything else there is to life.

If you drink more than a brandy at Christmas you're an alcoholic.

If your husband / partner decides to have a night out with his friends and comes in a bit too pissed you need to LTB as he obviously has an alcohol problem and isn't allowed out.

MN loves a check in at a local travel lodge when having a barney with DH at home

MN buzzwords;

Misogynistic
Narcissist
Gaslighting
LTB
YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU
Twee
Sending and
A simple
Unhinged

But we allllll love it! 😁

Maybe we all like being on MN as it's a parallel universe and bears no relation to loads of stuff experienced in RL, and it's a nice bit of escapism?

@MacauliflowerCulkin don't forget the legendary

@Spidey66 you see the take in ironing posts on the threads about having no money where people are asking for advice and someone always suggests this

@DrSbaitso

Menstrual blood smells if around long enough and combined with artificial scent, is pretty awful. However it is possible to buy unscented sanitary towels so why not choose them?

Why not choose a scented one if that's what you like?

But yes, I know the blood will smell if exposed to the air for too long. The point is, with that smell, and several layers of clothing, there is no way the "stench" of the scent will have any impact on you whatsoever. And if you really can tell whenever your colleagues are on their periods because of their smells, as some people on here apparently can, one or both of you has a serious issue of some kind.

I have occasionally smelled it on others, I remember standing behind a queue of teenage girls years ago and definitely smelled it - it was reminiscent of the smell of sanitary bins in loos. I'm pretty sure there is nothing wrong with me, including my nose.

Period pants are smelly.

[quote Tittyfilarious81]@Spidey66 you see the take in ironing posts on the threads about having no money where people are asking for advice and someone always suggests this[/quote]
I've not seen that. I have seen suggestions for outsourcing ironing.

I have managed to get to my age and never smelt period blood on anyone at all. But I have walked past the feminine hygiene section in the supermarket and smelt the scented towels. Bleurgh.

Definitely the typo thing. Any thread with a typo in the title or OP must be derailed with painfully unfunny replies.

You must always refuse visitors for weeks after having a baby.

And Other Stories is the place to shop for clothes. I mix in lots of different circles and have never known anyone IRL shop here.

You must not let a teenager have a phone at nighttime.