Things that mostly only happen on mumsnet

[Imyourvenus]

Heres mine;

You must love MIL even if she is a bitch toad from hell

You must never say anything negative about anyone on benefits

Admitting to having no friends

Every 3rd person is NC with their family

Having a nanny

I’m sure I have more

Being upset that your family and friends forget or don’t make any real effort on your birthday is entitled behaviour.
Even more so if it’s a milestone birthday.
Yes you should have grown out of birthdays after the age of 10.

You must never ever allow anyone including your DH to use your toilet, anyone attempting to use a toilet for toileting purposes is rude and disgusting. nb : an ensuite bathroom itself is grim and disgusting and a waste of space If you are at someone else's house it is better to soil yourself than to defecate in someone else's toilet. If by chance someone does get past your defences and uses your toilet, you will need to move house, but in the meantime never use a toilet brush, they are more contaminated than Chernobyl.

One that fascinates me is attituded to pregnancy. Having first baby over 30 being increasingly the norm but I've seen threads on here that imply that your uterus crumbles and your body can barely support itself the second you turn 30, and you'd be SO selfish to have a baby- dead by the time they're 12, guaranteed.

The same people will also judge: having a baby under 26 or so even if you're stable (so irresponsible, too young, you must be waaaay too poor) and having a baby with anyone you've known less than a decade; they might leave a loo seat up by mistake 6 years in, you might have to ltb. Even if, by their own logic you'd be soooo selfish & too old if you waited their approved amount of time if you don't meet your partner til late 20s and make sure you're stable and in a good financial position before ttc.

See also the faction of smuggers on mn who compete to have the cheapest, most dismal sounding wedding: all the ones they attend as guests are dreadful- no food, huge waits and the couple spent over £50 so they'll be divorced within 18 months anyway for such extravagance. Their own weddings usually involve a sarnie tray from Costco, a £3 dress from primark they got for £1.50 cause it had a hole in it and a sticky floored, particularly rough pub... yet everyone invited forced to attendalways says it's the "nicest wedding they've ever been to". I don't believe you need to spend a fortune but taking delight in scrooge level cheapness isn't attractive, and also suggests their guests had a very low bar of what passes for a good day out.

Posters at Christmas saying their DH or DP didn’t buy them a present when they’ve previously agreed not to but for each other.

No one ever farts in front of their partner. And if they ever did, it would be a deal breaker because they’d never be able to find them sexually attractive ever again.

The judgemental & puritanical comments towards posters who drink anything more than a thimble of alcohol on special occasions

LTB as the immediate solution to the most minor relationship disagreement

Veggies as an acceptable diminutive of vegetables

Being invited to a wedding that’s not in your home town or planned exactly around the specific needs of your family rather than those of the bride and groom is an insult worse than death.

Also everyone hates weddings no matter how close they are to the bride and groom and no matter where they are or what the plans are.

@danadas

Everyone has a hobby that is so unique it cannot possibly be identified because otherwsie we will immediately know who you are due to said uniqueness of activity.

This

Women don’t shave off any body hair anymore and when they go to their local swimming pool no one notices or cares that they have pubic hair growing down to their ankles
There is nothing that is anyone else’s business. So what if your next door neighbour is the biggest drug dealer in the UK why should you care.
Everyone fancies the pants off their husband who is seriously so good looking. This is despite the fact that in my 50 odd years on this planet I have yet to meet any man in real life who is seriously good looking
If the OP is not interested in sex, it’s due to their partner being selfish and hopeless in bed, this is despite the fact the OP maybe going through the menopause and having sex is only just slightly less painful than taking a cheese grater to your nether regions.
Anybody who has had more than a speck of dust to eat since 1972 shouldn’t really be surprised that they are overweight.

@Interrobanger

No one ever farts in front of their partner. And if they ever did, it would be a deal breaker because they’d never be able to find them sexually attractive ever again.

Oh god yeah 🤣 I forgot everyone has to leave the room or get out of bed to fart!

'I'm 7 months pregnant and I've been invited to snort cocaine off a busy railway line, do you think that's OK?'

'I'm 8 months pregnant, is it OK to have a slice of dry toast and a glass of room temperature water?'

Read 'Expecting Better' by Emily Oster.

It's a mystery to me how this book isn't constantly topping the bestsellers list

The judgemental & puritanical comments towards posters who drink anything more than a thimble of alcohol on special occasions

People keep saying this. Most posters on that sort of thread don’t make the sorts of comment you’ve implied here, except for if the poster is pregnant or driving home. Occasionally someone might go a bit batshit over a lone parent having a glass of wine while in sole charge of children. Plenty of us advocate at sticking to the nhs guidelines but that still gives you a pretty decent allowance.
People love to say mumsnetters are all tee total killjoys but that’s really not what I’ve seen.

@PurpleDaisies

The judgemental & puritanical comments towards posters who drink anything more than a thimble of alcohol on special occasions

People keep saying this. Most posters on that sort of thread don’t make the sorts of comment you’ve implied here, except for if the poster is pregnant or driving home. Occasionally someone might go a bit batshit over a lone parent having a glass of wine while in sole charge of children. Plenty of us advocate at sticking to the nhs guidelines but that still gives you a pretty decent allowance.
People love to say mumsnetters are all tee total killjoys but that’s really not what I’ve seen.

I wouldn't say the NHS guidelines are a pretty decent allowance.

I wouldn't say the NHS guidelines are a pretty decent allowance.
They’re a fair amount more than a thimbleful.

@PurpleDaisies

I wouldn't say the NHS guidelines are a pretty decent allowance. They’re a fair amount more than a thimbleful.

Well yeah. They're more than a thimble full but still not a 'decent allowance'

I'm just here to stick up for the greyhounds. They really are lovely dogs and ideal for busy families. Off to bed to cuddle mine now. He's been warming up the foot end for me, just as I like.

Also it's not at all surprising that an internet forum would have a high proportion of people who have anxiety issues and prefer to discuss problems anonymously and in writing. Ditto a parenting forum with a lot of people with in-law issues to vent.

So many answers that I agree with.

I'll add more but apologies if they're repeated.

There's no more chocolate left that tastes like it did in 1972.
Tony's Chocolonely is THE only chocolate to eat , despite the fact that it tastes like shite.
And I mean TRULY shite.

Everyone has a gigantic huge fuck off lounge/kitchen/diner which is absolutely essential yet somehow is a massive bugbear when working from home.

WFH... it's apparently DISGUSTING that employers have asked people to go into the office once a week.

Dogs... aren't people just so fuck off ignorant when they have a dog, on lead, but looks menacingly at you?

Oh, and lentils... the endless repetition of this foul substance.

Everyone lives in social housing and their neighbours are all surgeons, judges, teachers and barristers. Absolutely no anti social behaviour at all. That is the remit of the occupants of the adjacent private, multi million pound housing estate. They are all on benefits, have ASBO's and their dc's rip around on mini motos.

@Alexandra2001

A cyclist held me up for 8hrs on a 5 mile journey and i needed a length of road as long as the M1 to over take.

From today onwards this is likely true!

The logical extension of the MIL is trying to steal my baby, because she called him "my baby" just occurred to me.

We are dog sitting a lovely sweet boy belonging to DS and family we have known since puppyhood 11 years ago. He is very cuddly and affectionate. A real lap dog.

He was on my lap and I had a good cuddle with him. But horror of horrors I heard myself say, "You are Grandma's sweet sweet puppy."

Bite your tongue I thought. You are trying to steal the dog!

@WhyMeLord

'I'm 7 months pregnant and I've been invited to snort cocaine off a busy railway line, do you think that's OK?'

'I'm 8 months pregnant, is it OK to have a slice of dry toast and a glass of room temperature water?'

Read 'Expecting Better' by Emily Oster.

It's a mystery to me how this book isn't constantly topping the bestsellers list

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😭😭😭😭😭 thank you for making me wheeze with laughter, I needed it.

@Luckyelephant1

'I live in the middle of nowhere and don't drive'

I moved to the middle of nowhere so my kids could grow up surrounded by nature, and now they are teens the ungrateful gits expect me to drive them all over the place at the drop of a hat.

I have some bacon that’s still in date but the packet was opened two days ago - is it safe to eat?

Millions of women of nearly 60 start a new life every year, after leaving their husband, and go on to live illustrious lives full of wonder, dreams come true, hot young men lusting after her, and a £125K salary from the new job she trained for.

OMG - what am I doing wrong??!! I'm just over 60 and can't find a job, any job, and can't afford to buy a house. I'm even (whispers) on a benefit. What a failure am I.

@Ionlydomassiveones

MNetters earn six figure salaries because they “work hard”. The rest of us dribbling window lickers on ordinary salaries clearly don’t.

@SquirrelG

Millions of women of nearly 60 start a new life every year, after leaving their husband, and go on to live illustrious lives full of wonder, dreams come true, hot young men lusting after her, and a £125K salary from the new job she trained for.

OMG - what am I doing wrong??!! I'm just over 60 and can't find a job, any job, and can't afford to buy a house. I'm even (whispers) on a benefit. What a failure am I.

I'm nearly 60 - where do I sign?!!