Things that mostly only happen on mumsnet

[Imyourvenus]

Heres mine;

You must love MIL even if she is a bitch toad from hell

You must never say anything negative about anyone on benefits

Admitting to having no friends

Every 3rd person is NC with their family

Having a nanny

I’m sure I have more

@junglejane66

Having a cleaner seems a MN fav at the moment Severe aphantasia that requires a parking diagram for even the simplest of situations. Oh and dont forget to remind the OP ' its the law' if they havent done one

I actually have total aphantasia. I don't know why a diagram would help me to understand a parking dispute. I don't have a visual memory, I'm not stupid. I can understand if someone is blocking someone else in from a written description without needing to be able to visualise it. I think you might be confusing aphantasia with some other condition because I've lived my whole life not being able to visulise anything so why on earth would I want a picture when clearly pictures are not my way to make sense of the world?!

You have to be a middle class left to think nobody ever exploits the benefits system. I was on UC for a short while (getting more than I really needed but was well entitled to). I know others who have lied to get extra - and yes, come of them are perfectly nice - one doesn't have to be an anti-immigrant Sun type to a know that🤷🏻‍♀️

I can never, ever see a line on the pregnancy test. I agree that it's so weird when other posters to arrive stating they can totally see the invisible line and that their own invisible line is now 3 years old and sitting on their knee...

That said, i can always see the line on a LFT.

Also, what bugs me, is the amount of posters on here who claim they and everyone in their social circle started having babies in their mid 40s, and the younger you are when you have them, the lower down the classes you are.

And everyone spent the entirety of their twenties travelling the world and partying. No explanation as to where the time and money came from. Weren’t most of us working in a full-time job and trying to save for a mortgage? :(

If you’re short of cash, take in some ironing 🤣🤣

That you should never EVER charge your adult children board.

Then post wondering why said adult children treat the house like a doss house, hotel.

The 40’s seem to be a real mix of mumsnetters having their first babies and the peri menopause.

Off lead dogs that jump up every single child they can. People can't leave their house without a muddy dog jumping up either their toddler or their dry clean only coat!

@KKslidoff

A cleaner and leaving your husband are the solution to all of life's problems.

Let’s hope the cleaner doesn’t leave with the husband, who would wash Tarquin’s jodhpurs ?

@HelloFrostyMorning

I use grim and vile irl.

Me too, and so do some of my mates, but they're always used knowingly for a bit of a reaction. For effect or silliness.

Parking diagrams are because it can be difficult to describe the situation properly, since it's usually a bit more complex than someone just parking across an ordinary driveway.

But those threads usually bore me anyway.

@Sparklingbrook

I can never, ever see a line on the pregnancy test. I agree that it's so weird when other posters to arrive stating they can totally see the invisible line and that their own invisible line is now 3 years old and sitting on their knee...

That said, i can always see the line on a LFT.

OMG that makes me roll my eyes into the back of my head!

'I had an invisible line once, and she is 10 now, and doing a jigsaw!' they bleat smugly, with a stupid smiley!

So because their invisible line turned out to be a positive test (apparently!) the OP's test MUST be positive.

No one answers the door without an email or written advance warning.

No one speaks to school mums, work colleagues, neighbours, or most of their family.

All teachers hate their jobs, work 200 hours a week and are about to leave the profession

No one has more than two children because of concern for the environment. See also, competitive undergifting.

Everyone has at least 4 walls of bookcases in their homes. The TV rarely gets turned on and their kids are only allowed 20 minutes of screen time every leap year

All ex wives are crazy bitches who are out to wreck your marriage with their ex. There are no women who have lost touch with their exH, have no interest in him and don't give a fuck who he is or isn't with and are happily getting on with their own lives.

Anyone who can't drive for whatever reason is a pathetic excuse for a human being and must be derided at every opportunity.

Everyone can easily lay their hands on a few hundred pounds at any times, all people have thousands in savings.

Anyone asking for advice about what clothing to purchase will be showered with links to items costing £500 and over 'A bit pricey but the cut is fab and it's a piece you can use over and over - just change your accessories - here's another link to a £2000 handbag and some super little sling backs made out of wallaby leather and diamonds. Enjoy your works do'

Anyone over 50 is old and therefore becomes homogenous with all other 'old' people. These old people will make their presence felt by being terribly rude and judgemental at all times, but mostly in queues or at bus stops, those that are less rude but similarly demented will attempt to look at your baby or even speak to it. They must be warded off with garlic and crucifixes.

You must never ever allow anyone to use your toilet, anyone attempting to use a toilet for toileting purposes is rude and disgusting. If you are at someone else's house it is better to soil yourself than to defecate in someone else's toilet. If by chance someone does get past your defences and uses your toilet, never use a toilet brush, they are more contaminated than Chernobyl.

I shop at Boden or Jigsaw
My driveway has a car parked there and it’s not mine
I’m tired my DH is no help with the Children

You are a horrible insensitive person to have an adults only wedding

When a MNetters DH/DP doesn't want sex. Rather than assume he's tired/not in the mood etc there are immediate shrieks of porn addiction/ much fabled deathgrip. Or anyone who dares admit their DH watches porn, it's "I could never be with a man who watches porn. Dealbreaker. So grim". Then a bunfight regarding the ethics of porn will inevitably ensue between the anti porn brigade/"cool wives" despite the OP making it clear she's not looking to discuss the morality around the issue

Sorry - bold fail on my post. At 22.00.

Vibrators are perfectly acceptable and an excellent way for women to get to know what they like and to enjoy themselves, fleshlights are disgusting/grim/vile.

Being upset that your family and friends forget or don’t make any real effort on your birthday is entitled behaviour.
Even more so if it’s a milestone birthday.

@DetectiveFlorence

No Husband of a mumsnetter watches porn. Not their Malcolm, oh no.

Malcolm finds it degrading to women, and has agreed watching it is a marriage deal breaker.

Malcolm actually has a quick wank everyday whilst watching xhamster on his phone in the toilet, but pretends he's having a poo.

😆 dirty Malcolm!

Also, discussing a problem with your friends is perfectly normal, your DH discussing a problem with his friends is a betrayal.

Oh that's a good one.

Also school mums are awful. It's the ultimate smug 'us and them' MN putdown.

People can dry their laundry in the depths of winter without a tumble dryer (I really wish this was possible but I'm doing something wrong!!)

People call children 'pfb'

People hint that all cats should be culled

People say 'you chose to have a child'

Parents of fussy eaters are told they are just pandering to them

People give solid, helpful advice about skin conditions

People are realistic about cleaning

People properly support the people who need it

People say what they think