Things that mostly only happen on mumsnet

[Imyourvenus]

Heres mine;

You must love MIL even if she is a bitch toad from hell

You must never say anything negative about anyone on benefits

Admitting to having no friends

Every 3rd person is NC with their family

Having a nanny

I’m sure I have more

Everyone thinks kids should be invited to weddings.

Everyone removes their child from the car when going in to pay for fuel.

"Gentle hands" is the only rebuke or punishment for attacking sibling/pet/parent.

Endless threads like this...

Everyone's 14 year old son is "nearly 6 foot tall." No he's just taller than you, love.

@MonicaGellerBing

You have to put at least £1000 a month into savings or a pension even if you only earn min wage

Easy peasy if you can make a chicken do 42 meals. In fact if your take home is £1500 and you spend a fiver on the chicken, £1495 of it should go into savings!

No one cares about your wedding, no one cares about your pregnancy or children, don't even tell people you're pregnant, they'll work it out themselves eventually even if you won't see them for five years

Everyone is an extremely high earner with an extremely important demanding job or is married to someone who is the above

Everyone shakes, cries, rages and sometimes screams at random ceiling's.
Everyone's DH or DP is a twat, a cocklodger or a prick who should be turfed out of the home with his cases packed.
Their M.I.L are all dementia ridden bitches from hell.
Their kids are perfect, everyone else's kids are absolute horrors.

@StoneofDestiny

I'm a bloke and I was a bit taken back at some of the vitriol on here. There is plenty of valid criticism that can be laid at the feet of many men but reading constant blanket 'why do men do x' type of posts with dozens of other posters wading in behind in support is a bit depressing

Yes - I'm a mum with sons, great husband, great brothers and great male friends - and I'm in no way unusual in having that. .

But if your husband/partner has a female friend, it means they're having a steamy affair!

Every minor ailment must be taken to A and E.
A stepmother should have thought about all of this before she got involved with a man with children.
A stepfather should be willing to shell out for all the kids from the previous liaisons. They come as a package.
A builder is not allowed to use your toilet or get tea.

You should report stuff to the police so they can “log it”.

Nobody ever tells someone something, they ANNOUNCE it.
Nobody ever asks someone for something, they DEMAND it

Anyone you don’t get on with is toxic or a narc.

An au pair is the answer to all your childcare/domestic problems.

If you are over 30 and want to go to a pub, you need to grow up.

Anyone that ever has any doubts about being a new mother, had PND.

Anyone that does something awful or out of character, needs a brain scan. It's more like they have a tumour than an attitude problem!

Nobody steals anything, it's always lost and you need to look for it again.

You need to have a really tiny wedding (registry office, 2 witnesses, quiet meal in a pub after).

Anything bigger and you're clearly a bridezilla who just wants to be a princess for a day.

That menopausal women dry up and don't have sex.
That certain clothing brands eg White Stuff are frumpy and mumsy.
That Popsy dresses are the be all and end all of dresses .
That Lucy and Yak dungarees are just the best things ever.

You aren't allowed to have fun or look different (clothes, tattoos, piercings, after 25.

Have to have 1 million showers a day

Earn at least 6 figures and have 12 degrees or you are a complete failure

Have a cleaner

LTB for him sneezing and waking you up

LTB for any and every minor infraction.

Give your head a wobble.

That there is internalised misogny on every post.

At least one parent to never drink in the house so that they could drive to A&E if necessary (quite what they think people without cars do I don't know).

Banishing friends and family from seeing your newborn for months. A list of demands in place before anyone can see/touch them. I'm in Ireland and this would never fly.

You can't have debt as thats such a bad thing but a mortgage is fine. The bigger the better.

If you sleep past 8.30am, don't do something productive then you are a sloven.

In MNland spiders have Willies, but only in the dark

People who shower 3 times a day, would rather put their hands down the loo to clean it than use a brush, and replace towels daily. And say anything else must be "grim"

Your dog must ALWAYS be on a lead or have 100% recall. I've seen "my dog has 100% recall, except for a handful of times". Well that's not 100% fucking recall thwn is it, and irl the worst behaved dogs I come across are the one ON the lead with their useless fucking owners that can't control their dog or their stretchy lead.