Not to want to collect adult DS immediately

[44timesaround]

DS 19 moved out over a year ago to live with his GF. They've had ups and downs as most young relationships have.
I'm just at the point of competition on a house for myself and 2 DD to a smaller house, 3 bedrooms based on him living with his GF.
He's fallen out with GF and now says he wants to come home and can I come get him immediately.
When DS has come home for visits before he has had out bursts of being aggressive to me, shouting and smashing stuff.
We've had a long talk and sorted stuff out and in a much better place. I've been in counselling to become more assertive due to over compensation after a bad previous relationship.
DD are upset that they may now have to share a room if he comes home. They are going through normal teenage issues and are looking forward to a new start in a new home.

As he and His GF argue then get back together in a day or two. AIBU to try to put it off for a few days to see if they make up?
He says it's definitely over.

There is no way he would be allowed return to my house based on what you have written.

Workshy weed smoker?
Not a chance.

Your daughters deserve peace in their home.

Why did you choose to buy a new home that didn't have a bedroom for him? Because of his aggressive behaviour to you? I'd normally think this was a cruel thing to do with a very young adult child who may need to come back home, but if you were at the end of your tether with his violence, then fair enough. Your DDs need to live in a safe, calm home, and he needs to know that actions have consequences.

Is he having counselling for any unresolved grief? Why doesn't he work?

I suspect there’s lots of detail that’s been left out.

He’s 19 so not far out of full time education and let’s not forget what’s been going on this last two years and it’s affect on young people.

Would people be so quick to abandon their daughters to an abusive isolating relationship? Much less look for ways as to how it is their fault.

I agree.

OP said he moved out over a year ago - not many 17 year olds would move into their gf parents homes unless their own home life was pretty rubbish.

OP knows the relationship is controlling and is causing his issues yet she’s wondering whether to pick him up or not and is concerned about her new bfs opinion.

I agree wait until Monday, and tell him if he comes home there are ground rules and it’s only for 2 weeks (gives you a weeks leeway) as you be packing and using that room as planned storage and there is no room at new place as DD aren’t sharing.
If he has no desire to get a job and is aggressive to you then sadly that’s his responsibility

I'd tell him to get home when he wants under his own steam with what he could carry and the rest can be picked up Monday or whenever. I'd be making it clear he would immediately have to start looking for a) work and b) a shared house and if b) had not been achieved by the time of the move (may well not be) it would be the sofa at the new house until it was. I'd also be very clear in advance that one instance of smashing anything up or having weed anywhere near the house, he would be gone. Really feel you need to be extremely firm in advance OP, so he is in no doubt.

He is young and there is obviously a lot of history, but he has to start behaving like a respectful adult sometime.

That's really tough OP but I wouldn't let him move back home. There are consequences to his actions - being aggressive, not working, alienating his friends - which he won't understand unless he is made to experience them. Being bailed out by mum won't help him in the long run.

He can start job hunting and present himself as homeless to the council on Monday.

well I should you should go get him, he's still a child. Things which happen to you at 19 reverberate all your life. I wouldn't consider him fully grown until early twenties. Its a very delicate time. be patient. believe you me it will go fast...and you'll know you did your best and he will have to as well. Good luck and I don't mean that sarcastically. Believe me your generosity and your daughters is very important. A negative rejecting move now could cause mental health issues further down the line. Life isn't easy but you can't duck out of that one now and I'm sure you're really annoyed it hasn't turned out easier. You can do it. And he'll get through this. What touches me is that he's pleading with you to pick him up...that means he's very vulnerable and puts you in a very powerful position, which is why you cant exploit it.

I think as he won't/doesn't work, smokes weeds and is aggressive towards you I would tell him that you will go with him to the council to present as homeless as he can't come back due to ongoing issues.

If he moves back in you will need him to sign the papers to say he has no claim on your home and will move out etc.

Why doesn't He work?

that means he's very vulnerable

Or very manipulative.

In view of the back story I don't think you are being unreasonable not wanting him back in your home, but I appreciate it is a very difficult situation.

We don't have all the information he could be looking for a job.

@ivy4iona

well I should you should go get him, he's still a child. Things which happen to you at 19 reverberate all your life. I wouldn't consider him fully grown until early twenties. Its a very delicate time. be patient. believe you me it will go fast...and you'll know you did your best and he will have to as well. Good luck and I don't mean that sarcastically. Believe me your generosity and your daughters is very important. A negative rejecting move now could cause mental health issues further down the line. Life isn't easy but you can't duck out of that one now and I'm sure you're really annoyed it hasn't turned out easier. You can do it. And he'll get through this. What touches me is that he's pleading with you to pick him up...that means he's very vulnerable and puts you in a very powerful position, which is why you cant exploit it.

There doesn’t have to be a “negative or rejecting move” - signposting him to professional help for his addiction, trauma, emotional dysfunction, work/career, housing and rebuilding his social life can be positioned as supportive, encouraging and compassionate - for him to become an emotionally balanced independent adult.

There is no need for the DS to be living under the OPs roof to achieve this. He needs support and guidance and to take responsibility for turning his life around.

If the OP lets him back home it starts a pattern of ricochetting between girlfriends and sofa surfing at home.

The OP has a duty to protect her younger daughters and to show them that she respects their needs above the threat of a physically violent, volatile, aggressive, lay about drug addict.

@DearlyBeloathed

that means he's very vulnerable

Or very manipulative.

Or both.

His Dad died when he was 10 so I'm guessing the bad relationship he witnessed came after that? And you have a partner who doesn't like him now?
He sounds destructive but also lacking stability.

signposting him to professional help for his addiction, trauma, emotional dysfunction, work/career, housing and rebuilding his social life can be positioned as supportive, encouraging and compassionate - for him to become an emotionally balanced independent adult.

Sorry but lol. Yes love you live on the streets and here are the names of some overstretched services that you'll find almost impossible to access, esp whilst homeless, and which have waiting lists 5 miles long. You may as well tell him to fuck off!

@Porcupineintherough

signposting him to professional help for his addiction, trauma, emotional dysfunction, work/career, housing and rebuilding his social life can be positioned as supportive, encouraging and compassionate - for him to become an emotionally balanced independent adult.

Sorry but lol. Yes love you live on the streets and here are the names of some overstretched services that you'll find almost impossible to access, esp whilst homeless, and which have waiting lists 5 miles long. You may as well tell him to fuck off!

Ridiculous isn’t it. Some people here live in cloud cuckoo land

@ivy4iona

well I should you should go get him, he's still a child. Things which happen to you at 19 reverberate all your life. I wouldn't consider him fully grown until early twenties. Its a very delicate time. be patient. believe you me it will go fast...and you'll know you did your best and he will have to as well. Good luck and I don't mean that sarcastically. Believe me your generosity and your daughters is very important. A negative rejecting move now could cause mental health issues further down the line. Life isn't easy but you can't duck out of that one now and I'm sure you're really annoyed it hasn't turned out easier. You can do it. And he'll get through this. What touches me is that he's pleading with you to pick him up...that means he's very vulnerable and puts you in a very powerful position, which is why you cant exploit it.

I am on the side of him coming home (with very firm boundaries) but he isn't a child and treating him like one would do him no favours at all, short or long term.

Sorry not been back.
My DS came home under his own steam Sunday morning. I sat and had a long chat with him, cuddle and laid down firm but fair ground rules. No smoking in or around the house, no being stoned in or near the house. Get a full time job. Contribute to the house hold - tidying up etc. Not having his mates in and out all times of the day and night.
All agreed to.
DP sat down had a nice chat with him too about the break up.
For the record DP struggles to be around him as when he's being aggressive DP can't step in.

He goes out for a walk to clear his head. Comes back stoned.

Oh dear. That's incredibly disappointing for you.
What now?
He hasn't kept to the rules he agreed to for less than a day. He's not going to is he?

I'm so sorry for you. That was absolutely inevitable wasn't it? What are you going to do now? I think you have to think of the whole family not just him.

Getting to you under his own steam shows a certain maturity and capability that when you refuse to sort his shit out for him, he gets up and sorts himself out. Build on that. Do not enable an easy life for him. Yes he needs a job. If you are letting him stay with you he mustn't get used to spending what he earns on weed or leisure - he needs to contribute a sensible amount towards his own keep, be saving most of the rest towards his deposit for when he does get his own place, and only having a small amount of pocket money for leisure.

Living independently and solo will be really good for him, to learn how to manage the practicalities of life without someone else doing the tough stuff for him, so that should be the goal as soon as it is practical.

Coming home to mummy doesn't show maturity!

Also for those asking I'm currently in rented which is being sold. I'm buying a house and I went with what I can afford. Much discussion was had with DS about the house move before I went for it.

For me it wouldn't be about ground rules for staying, but rather time limits. He has three weeks and that's it . He can find a job and sort a flat share in that time. It's plenty of time to do so, and is realistic I. Terms of your future. If I was downsizing after my adult dc left home they'd know that they are always welcome to visit, and indeed stay there a few nights in the camp bed in case of emergency or Christmas . But moving back in? Ousting other children from their bedrooms? No. Adults need short term support occasionally, not long term abetting

At 19 he's very young still so a bit naive of you to think he has moved out and that's that, I would have made sure I had a spare room in the new home anyway, he's 19 not 29, these things will happen?