Not to want to collect adult DS immediately

[44timesaround]

DS 19 moved out over a year ago to live with his GF. They've had ups and downs as most young relationships have.
I'm just at the point of competition on a house for myself and 2 DD to a smaller house, 3 bedrooms based on him living with his GF.
He's fallen out with GF and now says he wants to come home and can I come get him immediately.
When DS has come home for visits before he has had out bursts of being aggressive to me, shouting and smashing stuff.
We've had a long talk and sorted stuff out and in a much better place. I've been in counselling to become more assertive due to over compensation after a bad previous relationship.
DD are upset that they may now have to share a room if he comes home. They are going through normal teenage issues and are looking forward to a new start in a new home.

As he and His GF argue then get back together in a day or two. AIBU to try to put it off for a few days to see if they make up?
He says it's definitely over.

So his dad died when he was 10, his mum got into an abusive relationship that no doubt affected him, and now he’s about to be made homeless because mum has bought a new home without space for him despite you saying yourself that this happens regularly.
No wonder he has issues!!

You need to collect him so he can come home for the next 3 weeks and then help him to find somewhere else to live.

So his sisters are just collateral damage?

I think it's unrealistic to think he can find somewhere to live in the next two weeks when he doesn't have a job.

If it were me I'd propose that he has 6 months in which to find a job, save up what he can and then be able to rent something on his own. The rules are that there's no aggression, no weed, no sitting around not looking for jobs. If he breaks the rules he has to go. At the end of 6 months he has to go.

It would be a real opportunity for him to get on his own two feet and if he chooses not to take it that's not your fault. He's an adult and you can make excuses for people only so long.

Protect your daughters. DS smoks weed, behaved violently. They don’t need that.

You’ll be doing DS a favour by saying no for once.

This is all quite simple if you break it down and look through to the medium term goals. It’s a game of short pain, long gain.

Your DS needs to hit is rock bottom.
He needs to feel the pain and consequences of his actions.
He doesn’t need a safety net in you breaking his fall by swooping in to rescue - so that he doesn’t experience the consequences of his choices to not work, take drugs and be abusive to others.

He needs a new path in life and needs signposting to get there. You can point him in the right direction to all of the available resources for addiction, emotional support for grief and trauma, to work and to find accommodation. These opportunities are there and it’s up to you to point them out to him calmly and systematically with encouragement but not to facilitate and enable his current existence.

I would assume his addiction is due to the untimely loss of his DF, I would assume he is in an toxic and dysfunctional relationship because he is living a toxic and dysfunctional lifestyle and I would assume that he would continue to behave in a toxic and dysfunctional way to you and your DDs.

So all of that explains his behaviour and you can look with compassion to the root causes of his addiction - but none of his lifestyle choices or behaviours are excusable or tolerable to others.

He needs to sink or swim - you can point out the various life rafts (addiction support, grief therapy, meaningful work or training, picking up with emotionally healthy friends, finding a place to live, getting out of a toxic relationship etc) - but he has to do this himself. Just keep reminding him that you love him but not his choices and you will always encourage and support him to heal his emotional wounds and rebuild his life - but not at further cost to his DSis or yourself who have endured enough of his behaviour already.

Definitely don't think about the girls sharing a room in their new home, that would be really unfair on them. That should be out of the question. He is an adult who has left home and decisions have been made on that basis. A place on the sofa is another matter.

The original post is ambiguous as to whether it is the GF or her son who is the controlling one in their relationship. It would be good if the OP could come back and clarify.

This is a tricky one, 19 is still young and he clearly needs help sorting out his issues. Plus being jobless he will have very little money to house himself. Most 19 year old are studying or working. Could it be he has mental health issues which make this difficult?

But the OP's priority must be her young DDs and protecting them from an aggressive male.

Can the OP state why she is moving to a smaller house?

If she could afford it, Could she pay for the first 2 or 3 months rent and deposit to set him up with a room in a shared house? That would hardly be heartless, it's how students live. She could keep in touch and support him without inflicting him on his sisters.

But OP hasn’t ‘rescued’ him once yet. On the contrary she’s making sure her DS can’t return to the nest by downsizing, even though it was pretty obvious that, at 18,his relationship was not going to last for ever.

I don't blame her for not wanting a jobless, weed smoker with violent tendencies around her two other children.

So his dad died when he was 10, his mum got into an abusive relationship that no doubt affected him, and now he’s about to be made homeless because mum has bought a new home without space for him despite you saying yourself that this happens regularly.
No wonder he has issues!!

You need to collect him so he can come home for the next 3 weeks and then help him to find somewhere else to live.

I agree.

He moved out at 17 and by OPs own admission has been in a very controlling relationship where he has no friends left.

A grown adult would find asking for help to get out of a controlling relationship difficult, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for a teenager.

I hope OP or her daughters don’t end up in controlling relationships.

How long have you been with your partner OP?

What a mess. OP you all need a lot of support - you more than anyone by the sounds of things as you are kingmaker in all of this. Rushing to move to buy a smaller place and cutting your DS out sounds harsh.

He needs anger management help and counselling.

He also needs a career plan to get him on his feet.

There needs to be a very tight set of rules in place if he comes back but at his age he should be allowed to come back.

You need to set those rules and stick to them forever, not for one month and the soften. Literally forever. One misdemeanour - and he needs to have some kind of sanction, or else it won't work.

I don't know how you make this work but all of you I'd say need a lot of external support to work through a ton of issues.

This is so difficult. He is your son and you love him to bits, .
You say your relationship was getting better and this is good. Personally, I would give him another chance to prove that by allowing him home but with very clear ground rules and zero tolerance. Don't pay too much heed to his tales of woe; they are aimed to manipulate and induce sympathetic compliance from you.
Your daughters will have to suck up sharing a room for a while.
If your son does kick off again at home involve the police. They do help.
Good Luck, you can do this!

I agree about supporting him to find a house share local to you. He's already paying out so knows his budget.

However ...... if you do this please don't then let one of your DDs move back in under similar circumstances.

My parents did this to me. Found somewhere for me and da when I came back from abroad with him due to break up. Said that once kids had moved out they weren't coming back. Still lived in the family home we grew up in.

Then let my sister and her ds move in when she spilt from her DP.

The let my brothers GF move in when he went away on tour with the services.

I don't hold a grudge but it's always made me feel like the lesser loved (I knew that anyway!) and it's horrid feeling.

I'm torn on this one. One the one hand, I personally think that adults should deal with their own relationship issues - I don't mean stay in abusive or controlling relationships, I mean don't ring your parents demanding to be collected immediately. You calm down and sort out your next steps first.

On the other hand, he's only 19 and not really an adult emotionally/mentally yet. So, I'd expect him to ring his Mum in a crisis and would hope my own DC would do the same! It's the "demanding" part that I don't like, it's very entitled.

My advice would be to think through what's realistic given you're about to move and ring him back to find out what's happening now. It's quite possible that they've already reconciled. If not, pick him up and then have a talk with him about possibilities going forward. He can't be demanding and aggressive while he's living with you. He needs to think about what he's going to do next.

The OP hasn't said this, but I'm guessing that she's moving to a smaller house for financial reasons, rather than to deliberately exclude her DS. She's a single Mum and we all know how expensive housing is. Give her a break.

If you feel you must collect him ( and I agree waiting until late Monday is best) hand him a contract. Put in the rules you want and make him sign it. No signature, no lift, no room at home.
Make sure you include that he agrees to any violation of any of your rules = he moves out immediately.

His been living with his GF at her parents house and to be honest it sounds like it's a very unhealthy relationship with her having a lot of controlling issues with him. But I'm only getting one side of the story.

He's cut off his friends to be with her so know he's feeling bereft atm.

I don't think it is that ambiguous, @Pemba.

Presumably the "one side of the story" OP is getting is her DS's side, so he is the one saying that the GF is controlling. The fact that he has cut off his friends to be with her supports that.

That doesn't mean that he hasn't been abusive towards the GF too.

Either way, it's clearly a toxic relationship, so OP hoping that it will blow over and they will reconcile if she leaves things until Monday is frankly bizarre

What’s the reason you have to come and get him?

Why can’t he walk/take the bus/train/über ?

Your poor daughter, bet she’s really worried he’ll come back.

Is the DP moving in with you? Did they get on before the aggression?

Awful position to be in… but these things mean I couldn’t bring him back:

• aggression
• smoking weed
• not working

Why isn’t he working? … is he actually studying? I think if he is, that casts a different light…

Either way, it's clearly a toxic relationship, so OP hoping that it will blow over and they will reconcile if she leaves things until Monday is frankly bizarre

I don't think it's bizarre, she's saying that that's been the pattern so far so rushing over there might be pointless. As he's 19 and legally an adult, she can't prevent him from staying with his GF if he chooses to.

@ESGdance Excellent post. Dontaee this as the benefit for your family and other DCs. See this as the benefit to help your ds turn his life around. If you take him home now you would be enabling his barriers to meeting his potential, not solving them. And I say this as the softest, most understanding, most accommodating mother going. Enabling him would be the cruelty here.

I'd tell him he can come home but you are moving soon and he will not have a bedroom, so he will need to make arrangements.

It's unfair for his sisters to have to sacrifice their rooms because of his decisions. He's old enough to get a job and support himself

Also my DP won't come to the house when he's here after witnessing the last abusive out burst by DS

I suspect there’s lots of detail that’s been left out.

He’s 19 so not far out of full time education and let’s not forget what’s been going on this last two years and it’s affect on young people.

Would people be so quick to abandon their daughters to an abusive isolating relationship? Much less look for ways as to how it is their fault.

Help him into independent living. I'm not sure what the first step is, with us it was the local YMCA. They then helped him into training and a small council flat. It's very hard as a single mum to refuse your adult child shelter, but you have to look after everyone's needs, not just his. I am grateful every single day that he is in independent living and I don't have to deal with the hovel or see it.
He's never launched as it were and never will. Also an alcoholic and aggressive to his younger sisters. He took up two thirds of my energy and attention and it was never enough. Your loved and nurtured kids don't always turn out like you hope they would.

Your son is in an unhealthy, possibly abusive, relationship. You should not be encouraging him to reconcile with his girlfriend, you should be encouraging him to get out.

That doesn’t mean he has to live with you. If he is violent or uses drugs in your home, I definitely wouldn’t let him live with you long term. From your post, it’s hard to tell if having him on the couch for a few days while he finds a new place to live would present a problem. I also can’t tell if he needs access to a domestic violence refuge, though there are very few options for men so that would prove difficult.

I would help him find a new place to live. I wouldn’t wait until Monday or prioritize your weekend plans.

He is an aggressive weed smoking adult man. Do not further allow him to believe women are there when he wants and need them and must facilitate his every demand.

His sisters will not be made to lose their rooms to him.
You will not go the moment he demands it.