To think not having a funeral is OK?

[jevoudrais]

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

There is also a lot of evidence to suggest that humans cannot really process that a death has really occurred to a close loved one until they see a body. They need that visual closure.

We were not allowed to see our Dd. I was devastated but the funeral director let us sit with her coffin anytime we wanted day or night before her funeral.

@Anonymouseposter

RagzRebooted a similar funeral-( 20 mins at Crem and cremation) cost me over £4000. I don't know how you managed it for£1K

That's what I was thinking too, I paid about £3200 when OH died at the start of the lockdown.

I struggle knowing there is a dead body in the coffin. Last funeral was a burial which I found really gruesome, when we drove past later the min-digger was filling in the grave.

My father did this. He was a very low-key, no-fuss type of person (as am I) and I totally understood why he chose it and I was fine about it.

But, when the time came - the company do tell you when and where the cremation takes place - I felt I had abandoned him. I know this is stupid but I couldn't bear to think of him going through it alone.

I would expect to have a funeral. But it’s a personal decision; it’s your DC you’re concerned about, so you should speak to them before planning anything.

YANBU I would rather just be cremated and skip all the hoo-ha of a funeral. But then I don't believe in God, when do die you are gone. I hated my mother's funeral, refuse to go to her grave as it just reminds me of her death. She loved gardening, and if I want to be reminded of her I go and work on the garden we created together.

I get what you're saying, but really, you won't be there and your children will! My mum has hinted at something similar, but she has massive form for being a martyr so my sister and I kind of laughed it off.

My dad's funeral was terrific. Loads of singing, reminiscing, meeting old friends and family. We wished we'd recorded it 😳

It’s not stupid at all @HipTightOnions. It was exactly the reason that I refused to have the curtains drawn and I was the last person to leave the crematorium. I completely get it.

I agree 100% funerals are traumatic, been to so many, I don’t want to put my children through that, I want direct to crem arrangement.

I'd say it up to your children or whomever to decide how they want to deal with the loss and grief.

I think the deceased persons wishes re type of burrial should be honored but dont have the same attitude for the funeral.
Dont know what a typical funeral would be like as I have never attended one in the UK. In my country its a 1/2 to 1hr service in the crematorium hall and then meal with family which is good if people manage to be civil.

@Ozanj

The decision whether to have a funeral or not isn’t not and should not be the dead person’s. Funerals are ceremonies for the living and so it’s the living who get to decide either way - the best thing you can do for them is organise a little pot of money to help.

If they are going against the persons wishes, why should they help fund them to do it.

@AlternativePerspective

There is also a lot of evidence to suggest that humans cannot really process that a death has really occurred to a close loved one until they see a body. They need that visual closure. I disagree. Plenty of people don’t view the body at or before a funeral. There have been threads on here from people who have not got over seeing their loved one in the chapel of rest because it was so harrowing, because in truth, it wasn’t them.

My dp’s brother died two years ago and his partner fell apart after seeing him in the chapel of rest.

I don’t want anyone to see my body. I don’t actually want anyone to feel they have to go through watching me die if it comes to that. Obviously if they want I’ll probably be unconscious by then and won’t know, but I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to be there. Even my parents or my partner.

Yeah I'm not sure I would opt to see anyone in the chapel of rest after having seen my Gran's body- she didn't look anything like herself and it was a slightly disturbing situation.

My grandad left instructions that he wanted a cremation with zero fuss and no service. So we did that, but there was this weird lack of closure and it didn’t feel right. Eventually a couple of weeks later we asked a local vicar’s opinion. We aren’t even religious! He kindly did a private service just for our family, and after that we felt we’d closed the chapter in a way that the ten minute cremation (which felt surreal, even farcical) hadn’t.

My aunt had very specific ideas about her funeral, and paid for it all in advance and the funeral company promised to do exactly what she had said. But she went ‘a bit funny’ and made her weird neighbour executor. Weird neighbour completely rewrote the funeral plan to include all the neighbour’s favourite tunes (and none of the songs my gran had specified on the paperwork). Family asked the funeral company to stick to my aunt’s plan but they refused.

Bottom line is you have very little control as to what happens after, no matter who you pay and what they promise. It’s all about who you pick as executor, they have 100% control.

@JudgeRindersMinder

Having had to have a covid compliant funeral for my dad, so with minimal people there, and no wake, I’ve found it’s made the grieving process a lot more difficult. Part of funeral traditions are about the people left behind and these traditions have evolved over the years as they are what make grieving easier to cope with, so don’t necessarily discount them

that could be though because what happened wasn't your choice?

Rather than a funeral plan bought ahead, how about just setting aside enough money in a separate account for simple funeral, but leaving a letter or note in your will stating that you are happy to have a direct cremation if that what your children feel comfortable with.

I think a lot depends on circumstances and there's just no way of knowing how those closest will react.

My dad was declared 'end of life' with frailty early in the first lockdown. Mum had previously mentioned a direct cremation and I'd been horrified, but within the context of restrictions I could get on board with that and having a low key scattering of ashes with friends and family at a later date.

In the end he hung on for a year and by the time he passed away restrictions were being rolled back and we were able ro have a funeral and wake for 30 people which was fine for us.

The period in between his death and funeral was nearly 4 weeks, which seemed like a long time, but it meant we didn't have to rush anything, and those weeks gave me the chance to look back over his life, my memories and photos of him.

The input I had into his service (mixed as he wasn't religious but we did include his favourite hymn and a prayer for mum's benefit) was really meaningful for me and I'm proud of the send off we gave him and still comforted by it months later.

People's reactions are so difficult to judge...mum, who is normally squeamish, visited Dad at the undertakers with an open coffin 4 times. I'm normally quite stoic but I couldn't make it fully into the room and had a closed coffin visit the day before the funeral.

Even now, mum keeps talking about what we're going to do with his ashes and I'm just ready to make that decisions yet...again I'd have expected that to be the opposite way round.

What I'm trying to say amid all this ramble is I think giving your kids options when the time comes is the kindest way to go about it.

When my son died we didn’t have a funeral. He was cremated and we picked up his ashes and scattered them in a place that meant something to us. Just DH and I, we didn’t want anyone else there. We later had a meal with the wider family but it definitely didn't have a “wake” feel. I’d be very happy if my family wanted to do the exact same for me when it’s my turn.

i wish Aquamation didn't cost twice as much as cremation.

yanbu to OP

@AlternativePerspective

No coincidence that people who work in the industry are advising people to have funerals. for whose benefit did you say? The family? Or the industry?

Funerals are prohibitively expensive, I mean we’re potentially talking hundreds for a coffin which is going to be burned or buried (personally I think they’re probably recycled) but either way funerals ar the gift which keep on taking.

Recycled coffins? Aye right.

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple.

People can still gather away from the crematorium and remember you in a more informal setting. Not convinced the formal funeral setting allows people to actually grieve - more of a stiff upper lip setup.

I think you can still attend the cremation itself - it is just there is no service.

@2YearsOfWastedTime

Im donating my body to science So my funeral will be more of a remembrance thing as there will be no body there

That is to be commended, but not everybody is accepted, it depends on when you die, also your remains will be given back to your family at some point. I watched a very interesting programme on this subject years ago.

Both my mum and grandad have paid for this. Don't know how we will feel about it but we will likely find out soon enough as grandad has terminal cancer

We will just get together as a family probably as soon as thet die and also to do somethingvwith the ashes. None of us feel we need to go through the whole funeral thing

My family don't do funerals - My grandparents and Dad did and my Mum has stated that she doesn't want one.

From my point of view I kind of missed it - but not as much as I thought I would have before.

But equally I'm not sure that I would have liked there to be a funeral either. I'm not sure it would give me what I think it would.

With regards to my Dad and Grandparents - other people came first - My Mum would have been heart broken if we had pushed for one that she didnt want.

We (the kids) have spoken to Mum and she doesn't want one but as she says we can do what we like because she'll be dead and wont have to go.

Talk to your family. Explain what you are thinking etc. Funerals are expensive and bad for the environment - if you don't want one, don't have one.

Not having a funeral doesn't mean you cant go to a home/pub/restaurant etc and remember the person.

@AlternativePerspective

No coincidence that people who work in the industry are advising people to have funerals. for whose benefit did you say? The family? Or the industry?

Funerals are prohibitively expensive, I mean we’re potentially talking hundreds for a coffin which is going to be burned or buried (personally I think they’re probably recycled) but either way funerals ar the gift which keep on taking.

One thing about working in the funeral industry is that we meet and hear from lots of people who find having a funeral for their spouse/.friend/relative enormously comforting. I certainly don't think funerals are obligatory, it's very much a matter of personal choice but, as has been said, the processes of dealing with the remains of a dead person is going to cost a fair bit because it involves the time and labour of several people, plus operating costs (fuel, materials etc).

*My grandparents and Dad didn't