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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think not having a funeral is OK?

561 replies

jevoudrais · 29/01/2022 10:32

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

OP posts:
astoundedgoat · 29/01/2022 12:09

Gosh. I absolutely LOVE a good funeral. But I'm from a culture that traditionally goes all in for them. Big events, family and friends invited. A celebration of life, so it would be unthinkable not to have a nice big funeral.

I'm really surprised at the people saying they're traumatic. If anything, the LOSS might be traumatic, certainly. The funeral's "job" is to soothe that loss, and centre the joyousness of the life of the deceased, EVEN if they were a miserable git. :)

But we also do them very quickly after the death. Someone I know here in the UK only yesterday buried a loved one who died back in mid December, which is just astonishing to me.

MovingSwiftlyOn · 29/01/2022 12:09

We did this for FIL, just me DH and MIL at the crematorium. DH made a box for his ashes which he hand painted, and we buried them in a plot in a natural burial ground with family and friends. Afterwards we all went for lunch in the local pub. We felt it was perfect for him because he was a pragmatic soul who always hated making a fuss. I think it was easier for MIL too as she didn't have to worry about holding herself together in front of everyone at the cremation.
I would just say do what feels right. Xxxx

TheOriginalNutty · 29/01/2022 12:09

My advice is don't do it.

My dad died suddenly in June and his wish was for a direct cremation. We wrestled with it but ultimately decided to honour his wishes.

It's left me feeling in limbo and not really able to come to terms with his death. I absolutely hate the fact that no one (except funeral home staff) were there when he was cremated.

ddl1 · 29/01/2022 12:10

Well, a bit of both - ultimately it's the decision of those left behind, as I won't be there. But I would prefer no funeral. My father and later my mother explicitly requested no funeral and that was a relief to me, as grief is even worse for me if it's turned into a big social occasion (when I'm grieving, 'hell is other people'). It's different if someone is religious, of course.

Chickychickydodah · 29/01/2022 12:11

I’m not having a funeral , my family and people that are will remember me for who I was. None else gives a shit!
It’s an unnecessary expense.

dottydodah · 29/01/2022 12:12

I think most people feel like this .I remember when a friend died it was terrible .her DS said they didnt want a Funeral .However without one you cant really grieve properly .Death is such a taboo subject these days.My DGM remembers people "laying out their dead " people coming to pay their respects .I would hate to see a dead body in common with most people I expect! This is a modern way of saying goodbye and remembering all the good times spent together .

HelloFrostyMorning · 29/01/2022 12:12

@AngryApple

I’m with you OP. YANBU.

I’ve buried 3 members of my immediate family now. I’m only 41. I find funerals harrowing and unnecessary. People who attend are usually only their for their own reasons and don’t actually care about what you’re going through. You’re expected to make conversation with people when you’re at your lowest.

I won’t be having one!

All of this. ^ The vast majority of people at funerals are just there to show their face, to pretend they give a shit, and to see if there's anything up for grabs in the will.

Like fuck is it a 'fuck you' to the children/other close family members. They would all know beforehand that this was happening in the vast majority of cases.

The people saying it's wrong to have a direct cremation are either

a) funeral directors who are butt-hurt because they're unable to cream off 4 or 5 thousand pounds off grieving families.

or

b) they are the type who just HAS to go to every funeral just to show their face, pretend they care, and see what's up for grabs!!!

As for the 'religious families want them' type comments... Whether the family is strongly religious or not (and many are NOT in this day and age in the UK,) the person's wishes MUST be respected.

You are right @AngryApple that many of the people who go to funerals, have no idea what you are going through, if it is someone incredibly close to you who has died. The funerals of my parents - one year apart - were 2 of the darkest and most devastating days of my life.

I would have given anything for them to have not had funerals, and to have had direct cremations instead.. Then me and my extended family could have celebrated their lives in our own way when we were ready.

godmum56 · 29/01/2022 12:13

@NewYearNewMinty

one of the points of the buy ahead plan is that usually it fixes the price for what you want. We know that things can go up massively in price and what you can afford to leave may not cover even a simple funeral at the time its needed....also if its left as money its part of the estate and has to be treated as such.....may be taken to pay a credit card bill for instance....if you have prepaid, all of that is avoided.

AlternativePerspective · 29/01/2022 12:14

But again, and no-one has yet answered this, if you think that funerals are for the living and you have no right to decide whether or not you will have one, then surely you equally have no right to decide that you want your body donated to science? After all, your body isn’t yours to do with as you see fit because it’s the property of your family who have the ultimate say.

godmum56 · 29/01/2022 12:15

@dottydodah

I think most people feel like this .I remember when a friend died it was terrible .her DS said they didnt want a Funeral .However without one you cant really grieve properly .Death is such a taboo subject these days.My DGM remembers people "laying out their dead " people coming to pay their respects .I would hate to see a dead body in common with most people I expect! This is a modern way of saying goodbye and remembering all the good times spent together .
you may not feel able to grieve properly....plenty of other peopld can!
godmum56 · 29/01/2022 12:15

@AlternativePerspective

But again, and no-one has yet answered this, if you think that funerals are for the living and you have no right to decide whether or not you will have one, then surely you equally have no right to decide that you want your body donated to science? After all, your body isn’t yours to do with as you see fit because it’s the property of your family who have the ultimate say.
true!
TheWordWomanIsTaken · 29/01/2022 12:15

[quote godmum56]@NewYearNewMinty

one of the points of the buy ahead plan is that usually it fixes the price for what you want. We know that things can go up massively in price and what you can afford to leave may not cover even a simple funeral at the time its needed....also if its left as money its part of the estate and has to be treated as such.....may be taken to pay a credit card bill for instance....if you have prepaid, all of that is avoided.[/quote]
A funeral takes priority over everything else from the estate. Even HMRC.

FortunesFave · 29/01/2022 12:16

It's absolutely fine! You can just have a moment alone or as a family.

TheWordWomanIsTaken · 29/01/2022 12:17

Those that want to leave their bodies to medical science - you should still plan for an alternative or make your wishes known.
Many many bodies are not accepted after death.
And if they are accepted before death, they may not be after death depending on the circumstances - if there's been a post mortem for eg.

FortunesFave · 29/01/2022 12:19

But again, and no-one has yet answered this, if you think that funerals are for the living and you have no right to decide whether or not you will have one, then surely you equally have no right to decide that you want your body donated to science? After all, your body isn’t yours to do with as you see fit because it’s the property of your family who have the ultimate say.

This is irrelevant because the lack of an assembly with some traditional words is nothing to do with what happens to the body. Hmm The body is either cremated or buried but the funeral is the service and the words spoken/songs sung.

billysboy · 29/01/2022 12:20

we had a direct cremation for my late father

No one really knew much about them , however all went smoothly and we then had a memorial day about a month later in the village hall

The lady remarked what a brilliant " service " it was and" God was not mentioned once "

I organised the whole thing with my sister and we asked a celebrant to be present to keep it all together

A lot of people remarked what a fantastic afternoon it was and that they didnt know it was possible

After the cremation etc you could do as much or as little as suits you

user1497207191 · 29/01/2022 12:21

OH and I have both said we don't want a funeral. I really don't "get" it at all. We'd rather see/talk to relatives/friends whilst we're alive as we won't benefit from them coming when we're dead!

warmeduppizza · 29/01/2022 12:21

@Torunette I found your post very helpful and wise.

And yes, people in the funeral industry believe in funerals, not because we personally make a fortune (we don’t), but because we’ve seen families through the process and experienced first hand how it has helped them.

FortunesFave · 29/01/2022 12:21

@TheWordWomanIsTaken

Those that want to leave their bodies to medical science - you should still plan for an alternative or make your wishes known. Many many bodies are not accepted after death. And if they are accepted before death, they may not be after death depending on the circumstances - if there's been a post mortem for eg.
My last response was for @AlternativePerspective.
godmum56 · 29/01/2022 12:21

@astoundedgoat

Gosh. I absolutely LOVE a good funeral. But I'm from a culture that traditionally goes all in for them. Big events, family and friends invited. A celebration of life, so it would be unthinkable not to have a nice big funeral.

I'm really surprised at the people saying they're traumatic. If anything, the LOSS might be traumatic, certainly. The funeral's "job" is to soothe that loss, and centre the joyousness of the life of the deceased, EVEN if they were a miserable git. :)

But we also do them very quickly after the death. Someone I know here in the UK only yesterday buried a loved one who died back in mid December, which is just astonishing to me.

well that works for you and that's great...it sounds cultural to me....like a cultural expectation...... When I arranged a very low key affair for DH (there was no such thing as direct cremation then) I got a LOT of feedback from friends and work colleagues about how wrong I was being because the culture was for them all to turn up and have a piss up afterwards. I told them it wasn't happening and told the funeral home that the short service was to be strictly private and no details given out to anybody who asked. Even where is part of the culture, its not always right or what those closest want.
FortunesFave · 29/01/2022 12:22

Sorry I didn't meant to attach that to TheWordWomanIsTaken post!

AlternativePerspective · 29/01/2022 12:22

The body is either cremated or buried but the funeral is the service and the words spoken/songs sung. but you don’t need a body to have a funeral/memorial whatever.

So, direct cremation and then the family can have whatever else they can afford.

ancientgran · 29/01/2022 12:22

I know someone who did this and a couple of people who are planning to do it. The plan was/is that there is a direct cremation and then plan for everyone who wants to be involved to meet up to scatter the ashes. Nothing formal, no issues of when the crem/church/cemetery can fit you in. Everyone then going for a meal.

No religious issue for these people and they all want something more informal. I think it sounds fine.

For myself I am Catholic and want to be received into the church the night before and have a Mass said. If you aren't a believer I don't think you should have to do something like that.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 29/01/2022 12:23

Two family members of ours who had left their body to medical science had their bodies refused in covid times! Leave a Plan B...

You can also have an in-between thing which is just the cremation but attend it. Direct to cremation can take place a long way away and no-one is there. But you can attend cremations and still not have a funeral which is the service that usually happens beforehand.

Whoopsies · 29/01/2022 12:23

Both my parents are opting for this, they have said they will leave money for a small wake to be held for them both but no funeral. Me and my sisters are totally fine with this, actually I like it!!