To think not having a funeral is OK?

[jevoudrais]

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

We have viewed the body BTW. We said our goodbyes then.

FiL died before Xmas and had no funeral. Both sons and his elderly wife (who also has a plan) really appreciated it and it had been discussed as a family first. They got to grieve in their own way. None are religious, and are very practical, private people. Dh and I are planning to do the same. I've never found a funeral service to be comforting: full of hypocrisy, platitudes, one-upmanship and grieve vultures.

I'm doing this. It's what David Bowie did, isn't it?

I don't work in the funeral industry, but I was lucky enough to hit on an amazing funeral director who was a friend of a friend, she was fantastic and so compassionate and I really valued having someone help me create the perfect funeral- I wouldn't have wanted to put on a memorial by myself that that point, it would have been too stressful.

I note that often once memorials come round a few months later, I don't want to attend. Might just be me though!

I'm an only child and live a few hours away from my parents. When my parents pass away I would quite happily not have a funeral for them. For completely selfish reasons I feel organising, waiting for and actually having attend the funerals would be horrendous for me. I'm a very private person and have no desire to grieve in public surrounded by several people I don't know (their friends).
I'm pretty sure my dad would be more than happy with that, but not my mum. Also, I suspect it wouldn't go down well with other family members.
I would much rather they chose a direct cremation and then I could choose a time/place with DH & DC to scatter their ashes and say goodbye privately.
Obviously I'm hoping it's quite a while until I have to think about it but I'll admit that the thought of having to get through a traditional funeral fills me with dread and panic.
Talk to your family about your preference and hopefully they'll accept, and be supportive of, your decision.

@AlternativePerspective

No coincidence that people who work in the industry are advising people to have funerals. for whose benefit did you say? The family? Or the industry?

Funerals are prohibitively expensive, I mean we’re potentially talking hundreds for a coffin which is going to be burned or buried (personally I think they’re probably recycled) but either way funerals ar the gift which keep on taking.

The words of someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Not that I'll be there to enjoy it, but I don't want a funeral.

I'm going to have the conversation and say that, my wishes are for no funeral and just get done with my body what needs to get done. Saves all the pissing about.

I would like direct cremation and then some form of funeral/memorial service without my body there. When I die my body is just the vessel I was in and I don’t like the idea of it being preserved for weeks and carted around to sit by an altar.

When we did our wills DH insisted he wanted to be buried. I personally hate this idea and I don’t know why he feels this way because nobody in his family has been buried. I would respect his wishes but would much rather cremation than his body rotting away in the ground is some large scale site.

"I hate funerals" is like "i hate hospitals". Who doesn't??

Direct to cremation near us is still about £1000. It cost money to store the body and the cremation charges a fixed fee and none of that is taken away by it being direct. Obviously, cheaper than say the £3000 we spent but it's still a lot to find if saving money is the objective. Unless you have no relatives and then the council will pay.

There is also a lot of evidence to suggest that humans cannot really process that a death has really occurred to a close loved one until they see a body. They need that visual closure. I disagree. Plenty of people don’t view the body at or before a funeral. There have been threads on here from people who have not got over seeing their loved one in the chapel of rest because it was so harrowing, because in truth, it wasn’t them.

My dp’s brother died two years ago and his partner fell apart after seeing him in the chapel of rest.

I don’t want anyone to see my body. I don’t actually want anyone to feel they have to go through watching me die if it comes to that. Obviously if they want I’ll probably be unconscious by then and won’t know, but I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to be there. Even my parents or my partner.

I've told my dc my preference is direct cremation and for them to go to Nandos as a mark of respect. But it will be up to them.

I'm having a direct cremation, it doesnt stop anyone organising a memorial if they want to.

It's probably best just to ask your DC their opinion. Some people find funerals a helpful part of the grieving process, for others they're just an extra thing to cope with. Sometimes being surrounded by friends and family after the loss of a loved one is a major support to those closest to the deceased.

@AlDanvers

Your “industry” should perhaps focus on that rather than the emotive nonsense (which frankly I don’t believe).

Can you explain why you think this?

We paid 3.5k. The FD came at 6pm to take her from home. Took her to their FH of our choice. Transported her to the hospital for PM. Transported her back prepared her body, had her ready any time we wanted to see her for 2 weeks. Brought her home the night before, came back the next day, 3 cars including hearse, took us to church then the crematorium. This included some flowers, casket etc. On top of that staff to do all this including 8 staff on the day. Then they arranged everything after with her ashes and we picked them up from them. Then running costs of all the staff, equipment, cars etc.

I don't think the price was bad at all.

Yes, thank you. There are several people involved in the process of any funeral (whether or not there is a ceremony) - drivers, FSOs (the people who take care of the body), crematorium staff, admin workers... and then there's the cost of an actual coffin, petrol for vehicles, utility bills etc at the funeral home.

Though another piece of information that is probably worth knowing, though this is quite a rare occurrence: if you are the only person who can be traced as having any reponsibility to someone who has died (eg your great-uncle who fell out with the rest of the family years ago and you are the only blood relative left) you can refuse to be involved/pay for it at which point the local authority will pay for a direct cremation. But you do have to sign a form saying you refuse to do it and therefore you won't have any say over what happens.

(SOrry if that is OT).

You can still have a wake? Family gathering?

I don’t really want a funeral either, I don’t think my kids will mind, they can say goodbye to me in other ways. Why not just have a small celebration of your life? Friends and family having a few drinks and remembering the good times rather than crying over a coffin?

The decision whether to have a funeral or not isn’t not and should not be the dead person’s. Funerals are ceremonies for the living and so it’s the living who get to decide either way - the best thing you can do for them is organise a little pot of money to help.

The deceased persons body belongs to the next of kin - we transported my nan back to her house, dressed her etc. Then we had a natural burial, we just needed to pay for the plot - but you could just as easily transport them to a crematorium and pay the fee.

The hospital tried to tell us we need a funeral director this is just what people assume but it's not true.

Why should we outsource the last act for a loved one to a corporate entity ? That's my opinion. We are so far removed from death in the west and it's not healthy so I think you are being entirely reasonable. Funerals conducted by people who don't know the deceased person can be ok of course, but again as a relative what involvement have you had other than to pay a ridiculous amount of money to a company and or Celebrant to do it all for you.

Again this is just my opinion and I can easily see why others would think it's crazy as it's not the norm

I found my dh's funeral made everything real for me. That was the day I realised he was really gone. However the cost of the funeral (approx £4k) was a nightmare and the impact of paying that was huge.

I agree with the above point that not everyone copes well with seeing the body, and some people are quite traumatized. I think this may also be because we grow up unaccustomed to seeing dead bodies- in many countries, burials are much quicker, open caskets or displaying the body at home is more common, there is even one culture where they dig them up periodically and wine and dine their dead!

In the Uk much illness, death and dying is hidden away from us in hospitals, hospices and it becomes far more scary. I've seen quite a few dead bodies now and would always rather view because I know then they have gone. I don't think that's necessary to grieve, nor is a coffin (although they do lovely ones now, you can draw on a cardboard one, wicker is nice, wool, all kinds).

Its always harder for those who are left behind .My very wise friend mused . I totally hate Funerals ,like most people I expect .Our society is geared up to expect one though ,Death is such a taboo in our culture .My own DM kept wanting to discuss hers .I kept putting it off as I didnt want to think about losing her .She died several years ago ,however hard the funeral was ,it was a way of saying Goodbye to her . My DGM used to say how when someone died ,they would be "laid out" in the front room,and friends /relatives come to see them .Often a collection as well from neighbours .The thought of seeing a dead body to me is horrific .Then it was usual .Birth ,Life and Death is a cycle .

Im donating my body to science
So my funeral will be more of a remembrance thing as there will be no body there

My plan is to donate my body (I have a very interesting spine). I hope that by my death aquamation will be legal in the UK and that's what will happen to my remains when I'm no longer needed for research.

farewill.com/articles/a-guide-to-water-cremation

@Blossomtoes it's only of value if the people paying for it value it. I don't want a funeral, I think the cost of a coffin alone is ridiculous, I want it all done as cheaply as possible and my OH and child know. I know so many people who have struggled hugely to pay for a funeral for their family at an already incredibly stressful time. I am very happy to not have funerals for any of my relatives, I know my son would hate the idea of a funeral anyway as he has ASD.

Having had to have a covid compliant funeral for my dad, so with minimal people there, and no wake, I’ve found it’s made the grieving process a lot more difficult.
Part of funeral traditions are about the people left behind and these traditions have evolved over the years as they are what make grieving easier to cope with, so don’t necessarily discount them