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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think not having a funeral is OK?

561 replies

jevoudrais · 29/01/2022 10:32

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

OP posts:
wtaf37 · 29/01/2022 11:36

@jevoudrais

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

Your life, your death, your funeral choice. I would haunt anyone who went against my wishes for no funeral. TBH, would rather let medical students have body to dissect, but rarely happens these days. It is disrespectful not to accommodate your wishes
TheWordWomanIsTaken · 29/01/2022 11:36

@northumberlandavenue

It should be your choice. I would hope that those who mourn your loss would have some way of remembering you, but if you have no religious faith, it does not have to be a funeral service.

If that is your decision, please let your nearest and dearest know soon, not leave them to find out when you have died.

As for funerals generally, the Islamic and Jewish practice of the funeral/burial within a very short period of time after death is one I would wish could be adopted for other people.

Really, I would find that incredibly difficult. A very close family member died recently, we were with them. The weeks between the death and funeral have been time that we have spent together as a family, choosing things for the funeral service and wake - photos etc. It has been like a bonding time for us and time where we have talked about them and cried together. The thought of the Funeral director taking my relative away the day they died and that was 'it' sounds horrific to me.
CMOTDibbler · 29/01/2022 11:36

Neither of my parents had a funeral due to COVID restrictions, and tbh if my brother hadn't been a dick when we scattered their ashes I would have been totally happy with that, and even with that I think I preferred saying goodbye to them on top of a hill which they loved rather than being next in the queue at the crematorium

ThePlantsitter · 29/01/2022 11:38

It was me who said I think the children would see it as a 'fuck off'. I have explained why later on in the thread but in essence it is because it is in my view not allowing them to express their grief in the way they might want to and instead parcelling up neatly how you would like them to grieve.

Of course people feel differently about everything. That is why I said 'I think'. On this thread there are a variety of feelings about funerals and they are mostly told from the perspective of those left behind, because of course the dead don't experience their own funeral.

SueSaid · 29/01/2022 11:38

Funerals are bizarre rituals that should definitely become obsolete.

Death is about grief yes but sitting in a room with a body in a box does not remotely help the process imo. The only people to benefit are florists and funerals directors. Anyone struggling with say the tragic death of a younger person do not find these rituals cathartic in the slightest, they are often the most stressful day to get through since losing their loved one.

I'm all for direct cremations and just a privately arranged family get together to share memories and support one another.

Wreath21 · 29/01/2022 11:39

@user1491404899

Working in this industry I see alot of families hurt by direct cremation. We get them sobbing at our door asking why their loved one isn't allowing them to grieve. Often direct cremations aren't done locally, you are shipped off to a central crem often miles away. So family can't even come to 'wave you off'.

Please discuss what you want with your family but please listen to what they want too.

Funerals are for the living not the dead.

(waves) Another funeral industry worker here and I agree with you: funerals are for the people left behind. You don't have to spend a fortune on a funeral if you don't want to or can't afford to - and if the next of kin are on benefits, the DWP will pay most of the cost. Also WRT waiting for probate, funeral expenses can be paid out of the dead person's estate before probate. Another thing that people don't always know but should be aware of: you do not have to have a religious minister to conduct a service. You don't have to have a 'professional' to do it at all, and some people do it themselves ie choose some music and take turns to stand up and talk about the person who is gone.
OnwardsAndSideways1 · 29/01/2022 11:39

I think it depends on the funeral! The one I did for my close relative was great, we all chose very personal things, had a photo montage, music they loved, the eulogy was written by a family member and very touching.

No hymns, no flowers, just getting together and remembering the person. Enjoyable gathering after the ceremony too so plenty of time to chat with people.

I have been to rubbish funerals, especially for Covid. I wouldn't object if my parents wanted direct cremation, I would go with their wishes. I would just do what they want.

I don't agree funerals are terrible though as they are awful events, I think they are terrible because they confront us with death, and that is truly terrible. The worst funeral I ever attended in terms of distress was for a young woman with children, and no amount of personal lovely touches, such as a wicker coffin and wild flowers and pictures could make up for that. A memorial with recently grieving people is always pretty ghastly and I don't think holding it in a pub changes that myself.

Having said that, I also found viewing the body helpful. I think it would be too easy to just end up avoiding the reality of the person having died with direct to cremation, which may be emotionally easier at the time, but in my experience this then appears later on. I prefer a good old confrontation with death in the early days of them passing myself as it then seems easier to understand and grieve, but live at the same time.

I'm not a big fan of memorials months later, I can't get in the mood for being sad just at any old time, but I would attend one out of politeness, same as a funeral.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 29/01/2022 11:40

TBH, would rather let medical students have body to dissect, but rarely happens these days.

Still needed.

www.rcseng.ac.uk/about-the-rcs/support-our-work/donate/donate-your-body-to-medical-science/

AlternativePerspective · 29/01/2022 11:40

And again, where does this lack of a right to a say in your own funeral end?

If your family don’t believe in cremation but want to have a grave should that be their choice and not yours?

Or if you want a grave and the family decide they want a cremation do you not have a say?

if your family are religious but you’re an atheist should it be their decision to have a massive church gathering and offer your body up to the lord who you don’t believe in?

Thiswayorthatway · 29/01/2022 11:41

I hate funerals, don’t find them helpful at all. Do what helps you and the DC.

Okbutnotgreat · 29/01/2022 11:41

With direct cremation there’s nothing stopping anyone having a memorial or celebration of the deceased’s life. I am definitely doing this for my DM when she eventually passes (she agrees) and would want this for myself too.

Proudboomer · 29/01/2022 11:41

My mum will probably have a direct funeral. She has outlived all her family apart from her 2 children and 3 grandchildren. She has been housebound for years so her friends have either died or fallen by the wayside so if she had a funeral there would be a total of 7 people to come. Better a direct funeral and then a small private scattering of the ashes for us 7 to pay our last respects.

FourChimneys · 29/01/2022 11:41

Agreed no funerals here. Money in a kitty for a meal for all the family and close friends.

loislovesstewie · 29/01/2022 11:42

I've just arranged a direct cremation for my husband who died earlier this month. It was what he wanted; it's being done in a respectful way and people are going to remember him in their own time and manner that suits them. We, our children and I, are going to remember him when the actual cremation takes place and there will be a gathering later in the year to scatter the ashes.
I think it really is about what suits the deceased and their loved ones. We aren't religious, and I don't feel having a humanist celebrant would actually make it better for us.

AngryApple · 29/01/2022 11:42

I’m with you OP. YANBU.

I’ve buried 3 members of my immediate family now. I’m only 41. I find funerals harrowing and unnecessary. People who attend are usually only their for their own reasons and don’t actually care about what you’re going through. You’re expected to make conversation with people when you’re at your lowest.

I won’t be having one!

WellThatsMeScrewed · 29/01/2022 11:42

I agree.

I will leave money for a gathering with very strict instructions that there is to be no mention of religion/God and all good must be vegetarian.

Also I don’t mind a bit of black at funeral. I am not keen on the ‘not formal’ I think if you can’t make an effort when saying goodbye to someone that says a lot.

So at my gathering best frocks on please

Blossomtoes · 29/01/2022 11:43

[quote Willyoujustbequiet]@Blossomtoes

See I think the exact opposite. I think it would be very cruel of me to want to put my kids through something so traumatic. The last thing I can do for them is to protect them by not having a traditional funeral.[/quote]
Neither of my parents’ funerals were traumatic, they were very sad and very loving. I found organising them to ensure they reflected the people they were very cathartic and the kindness shown us on the day was very healing.

They were both in their late 90s and the crematorium was full for both of them, it was so comforting to see how loved and respected they were by so many people. My son agrees with me, we’ve already discussed readings and music for mine. And I want an entire flower shop too!

Stookeen · 29/01/2022 11:43

Mainstream British culture does death, death rituals etc incredibly badly, in my opinion — the funeral appears to have to happen weeks after the death at best, people hardly go to funerals outside of close family so they find them frightening and burdensome etc. I wouldn’t blame anyone for opting out.

Interesting, though, that some of this thread strongly resembles the ‘Will my family be heartbroken if I elope with two witnesses, rather than having a wedding and inviting them?’ ones.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 29/01/2022 11:43

Funerals don't have to be 'bizarre rituals' if you don't want though, you can do them yourself, you can have a humanist celebrant, you can say what you like (within reason), you can have any music, you can wear what you like, you can have one on a hillside as my lovely friend did overlooking a river.

No wearing black, no rolling the box off, no hymns, no random reading out a eulogy, it doesn't have to be like that any more and I don't think many people have realised that.

AngryApple · 29/01/2022 11:43

*there

IncompleteSenten · 29/01/2022 11:44

That's what my dad had and it's what my mum wants when her time comes.
It's what I'd like but I know my husband will need a service and since I'll be dead and won't know or care I'd prefer him to do what he needs to do.

People should do what feels right for them.

Torunette · 29/01/2022 11:44

What I would say is think carefully about dispensing with rituals.

Rituals create boundaries, and recognise a transition into a different stage of the life course. As humans, we created them for a purpose.

I would argue funerals are not really about "saying goodbye". On a deeper level, they are more about recognising formally that something significant has changed, that life going forward will be different than how it was before, and that change being formally registered by a wider circle of people.

Not doing the funeral ritual does not dispense with the pain. It is a way for the living to face it, rather than tuck it away -- to face the "goneness" of death.

There is also a lot of evidence to suggest that humans cannot really process that a death has really occurred to a close loved one until they see a body. They need that visual closure.

I worry sometimes that we react to rituals that feel old-fashioned by chucking them out, rather than reforming them. There are lots of funeral directors who will work with a family to deliver a ritual that is not old-fashioned. My mother, for example, had a white wool coffin and a service at a local memorial chapel with poems and a eulogy written as though it was a fairy tale.

And her funeral was extremely painful, though there were moments of smiling. But it was necessary. It was a event that marked the transition between being a married man and a widower for my DF, and having a living mother and no longer having a living mother for me.

I would suggest that if you dispense with a funeral, you need to put something else of equal weight in place. The problem there is that a very alternative ritual with no real antecedents for that purpose may not be sufficiently resonant enough to hit the right psychological notes for attendees, and there are dangers of going somewhere that, at the moment you turn up, ends up feeling very inappropriate.

supercatlady · 29/01/2022 11:45

My Mum felt the same way and donated her body to science to save us the cost of a funeral. In the event, it didn’t feel right to not do anything so we had a small non-religious memorial service and some food at a pub after. Lots more people came than she would have imagined and personally I was glad of the opportunity to celebrate her life. I think it did help.
It was a little odd not having the focal point of the coffin, but we had a photo of her and a bouquet of her favourite flowers.
A year or so later the University cremated her remains and my sister collected them.

AlternativePerspective · 29/01/2022 11:45

No coincidence that people who work in the industry are advising people to have funerals. Hmm for whose benefit did you say? The family? Or the industry?

Funerals are prohibitively expensive, I mean we’re potentially talking hundreds for a coffin which is going to be burned or buried (personally I think they’re probably recycled) but either way funerals ar the gift which keep on taking.

Porcupineintherough · 29/01/2022 11:46

@AlternativePerspective the truth is the dead have no rights. No funeral home is going to fight your kids to have things the way you've specified if they demand different. You can state burial, or cremation or stuffed and put on display but unless you next of kin agree I wouldnt bet on it happening.

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