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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think not having a funeral is OK?

561 replies

jevoudrais · 29/01/2022 10:32

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

OP posts:
fizzypop100 · 29/01/2022 14:35

I agree OP. Every funeral I have been to ends up with me shaking with chronic anxiety. Why do we put people through this?

MananaTomorrow · 29/01/2022 14:38

@fizzypop100 but you dint have to go to a funeral if you know it’s triggering for you. Why stopping people who find funeral helpful to have one because you dint like them?

Surely your needs and anxiety dont trump their needs for support/saying goodbye/grieving through said funeral?

Missey85 · 29/01/2022 14:38

I think its OK not to have a funeral I plan on getting cremated when I die neither of my parents had funerals either its up to you how you want to do things don't listen to the people here saying your being mean because its not

SportsMother · 29/01/2022 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 29/01/2022 14:42

I don’t want a funeral. I’ve never seen the point in them. They are stressful and upsetting and generally cause arguments if several family members are involved. I have asked for a direct cremation and told the kids to have a day out enjoying themselves instead. YANBU

OfstedOffred · 29/01/2022 14:45

Personally I would much rather my loved ones met at a local restaurant and had a good meal and few drinks sharing memories than have a traditional funeral service

This. I'm not religious and I would rather this which feels more positive somehow

5128gap · 29/01/2022 14:49

I think its up to the living people who are closest to the deceased rather than for the deceased to be giving instruction from beyond the grave tbh. I can never understand why people have strong opinions about their own funerals. They're for the living. Personally I will just put a sum of money aside and tell DC to do what they like.

diddl · 29/01/2022 14:51

Perhaps you can pre pay for what you want & relatives can pay for a service if they want to?

iklboo · 29/01/2022 14:51

I think it’s a bit soulless, I have found organising funerals a lovely way to represent the people that lived, their favourite music, readings and a nice eulogy.

That's for the wake, for us. Well, no readings or eulogy. Just sharing stories about dad, his favourite songs in a playlist and food. We don't need to be in a crematorium or church for that. We have no religion and are doing exactly what dad wanted, and mum for that matter. No black or solemn clothes, no flowers. Just bring themselves and celebrate dad's life.

yikesanotherbooboo · 29/01/2022 14:53

Whether or not to have a funeral should be for those left behind.it is absolutely fine to let your family know that you are not offended by the notion of there not being one but you shouldn't remove their choice.

Nat6999 · 29/01/2022 14:57

I don't want a funeral, I only have ds & no close friends & would hate ds to be sat there on his own. I also don't want £5k to be wasted on a funeral, I would rather ds have the money to do what he wanted with it.

Darbs76 · 29/01/2022 14:57

A colleagues dad did that recently, my colleague was ok with his wishes. I personally found it healing to plan a lovely funeral and get to say goodbye

willingtolearn · 29/01/2022 15:11

Massive waste of money from my point of view.

Had the experience recently of being told a direct cremation was 'not proper' so that various relations who had not bothered with my father in years could turn up to 'pay their respects' - fat lot of use that was to him as he spent his last days lonely and in pain.

I'm for Direct cremation for myself - as is my husband and as it will be my money paying for it it should be my decision. I'm not sure I like the assumption that the financial gifts I might choose to give in my will can be relied upon. There might only just be enough money to pay the bills etc - it would be against everything I am for someone to piss money away on pointless flowers and family cars so that they and random relatives (of which I have many) personally 'felt better'. My children are aware of my thoughts.

All those of you stating that the living can make a decision - does that mean they can go against clear wishes/religious faith.

I'm sure you would find it insulting if the dead person had arranged for a fancy funeral and their relatives went 'sod that' we'll keep the money and have them directly cremated instead.

Oblomov22 · 29/01/2022 15:35

I too don't understand why people don't meet instead and raise a glass to the person at say the pub.
I've been to 2 funerals recently and still feel this.

Batoutofhell70 · 29/01/2022 15:40

My friends dad did this. It was within the last year so funeral would have been limited anyway but she didn't like it

feelsobadfeltsogood · 29/01/2022 15:42

When my mum died the funeral was over £5000 service at church, crem and wake, flowers etc...
My dad hardly has any friends and to be honest I'd say ideally just the crem and a small family get together would suffice however I think some family members will have other ideas

Furries · 29/01/2022 15:46

@Gwenhwyfar

"I find it a bit rude that you think it’s ok to question what we’ve decided amongst us!"

Um, it's a thread about whether funerals are useful or not so we should be able to discuss that.

Equally, it’s fine for me to think you’re rude by questioning what my family has decided.
Wreath21 · 29/01/2022 16:16

As with a lot of things: if you dislike funerals, you don't have to participate (though, as with a lot of things that involve other people, sometimes there has to be compromise). However, why is it so hard to understand that plenty of people do find funerals comforting and would be distressed if they couldn't hold/attend one. Let's not forget how many people's grief over a bereavement during the worst of the Covid lockdowns was increased by the fact that they couldn't give their loved ones what they considered an appropriate send-off. Their feelings are just as valid as those of the ones who dislike ceremonies.

And I honestly think it's very very important to talk about funerals and make people aware that they can have whatever kind of ceremony they want (within reason - sky burial is neither legal nor appropriate in the UK, for instance). I get the impression that some people's horror of funerals is down to thinking it has to be some local minister when the deceased wasn't religious, and that you have to have hymns/prayers/flowers. You really don't.

Kickers567 · 29/01/2022 16:18

@jevoudrais

That's interesting to know *@Kickers567* I wasn't aware of that, food for thought. Thank you for sharing.
It may be possible to still have this care before being cremated without a ceremony, and it's important to note that not all funeral packages include it either.

I paid £3500 (South East, very close to london) which was a very basic level (cheapest coffin, just the herse and no family cars, made our own order of service, ashes in a cardboard box) but felt it had the dignity and respect my dad deserved.

It stuck with me when I was speaking about what I'd chosen for him to wear and an older family friend who had lost her 90 year old mum said the funeral home hadn't asked what she should wear so she must have been cremated in the old nighty she was taken away in... :(

Furrydog7 · 29/01/2022 16:30

I don't want a funeral. My granddad died during the third lock down and i got absolutely nothing from the service. I was ccounting down the minutes until i could remove my face covering. It helped me fa r more when i went on holiday last September.

sirfredfredgeorge · 29/01/2022 16:32

I'm dead, so I can't give a shit what the people who are alive want to do, I would much rather there was a direct cremation, but I am in no way going to dictate or even pre-pay for such a thing, just leave it to the living. You can let them know your ideas and desires, but you're dead, so utterly pointless dictating anything.

6ixty9ine · 29/01/2022 17:14

@SportsMother

How is it crap if they choose it? Nobody here is talking about overriding the wishes of the dead, except those insisting of a funeral.

It’s crap if they don’t discuss it, and just land it on adult children without considering their feelings. That’s why some people might feel it’s a fuck you, because there is a standard-ish way of acknowledging death. And when you if effect say “Screw that” without warning, it would be hurtful. That’s why you have to talk about it.

Doesn't mean you have to blacklist their name or something, they just don't want a traditional all black funeral. You can still presumably have a memorial and meet with friends and family. They don't want their money spent on an unnecessary (as they see) ceremony - rather to go to their family.

Blossomtoes · 29/01/2022 18:06

I get the impression that some people's horror of funerals is down to thinking it has to be some local minister when the deceased wasn't religious, and that you have to have hymns/prayers/flowers. You really don't.

This. My dad wasn’t remotely religious so we had a humanist service with his favourite music and the poem he read for my mum at their Diamond wedding. I spent days writing the eulogy to ensure it was just right for him. Organising it was a labour of love. The packed crematorium for a man approaching his 100th birthday was immensely moving and comforting.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 29/01/2022 18:12

My DH and adult DCs are fully aware of my wishes to leave my body to medical science or the simplest, least fuss way, probably direct cremation and my ashes scattered on the beach at Shell Bay. Then they can go for a lovely meal somewhere overlooking the sea afterwards.
My father’s cremation service was hijacked by one of my siblings; he was vehemently anti religion but they insisted on hymns and prayers.

Wreath21 · 29/01/2022 18:23

@YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp

My DH and adult DCs are fully aware of my wishes to leave my body to medical science or the simplest, least fuss way, probably direct cremation and my ashes scattered on the beach at Shell Bay. Then they can go for a lovely meal somewhere overlooking the sea afterwards. My father’s cremation service was hijacked by one of my siblings; he was vehemently anti religion but they insisted on hymns and prayers.
Yes: that happens sometimes and it is very distressing (and not much fun for the funeral company who have to do their best to mediate between fighting family members - there is only so much we can do with regard to the legal aspects of who gets to have their own way...)