To think not having a funeral is OK?

[jevoudrais]

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

yes its fine and its becoming more popular. Lots of older people dont have many people that could attend a funeral anyway, the people they know are old or passed on themselves.

Its a great and cheaper alternative.

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus

Mum definitely didn't have a basics funeral. But nowhere near 7k at a basic cost.

I wonder if there are strong national and regional differences through the UK?

Possibly, but 50% is a huge variation. Mum's also Included being brought home the night before and someone staying a few hours. Then someone else coming early the next day.

Can you simply refuse to collect a dead person from the hospital, and let them deal with the disposal?

I’m having direct cremation, no funeral as I think funerals are miserable and a lot of the time people turn up because they feel they have to.
Friend had direct cremation for her husband about 15 years ago, before it was a thing really. She couldn’t bear the thought of being at the crem so after the ashes were returned to her she chose where to scatter them, lots of friends turned up and we toasted him with champagne and generally looked after her. It wasn’t raucous but it wasn’t miserable or tearful either.

For those that say you must have a funeral for the living I wonder how many would be prepared to fund it themselves.

It is an awful lot of money for some families let alone the emotional toll of organising it.

My DM had a funeral because that was her wish and we had discussed it as she was diagnosed with terminal cancer long before she died. But if she had wanted no funeral I would have been perfectly happy to do that as well. For me it's not about the living but honouring the persons wishes who had died.

Any alternative is for those left behind to do as they wish. I feel it’s their choice at that point.

Such a personal thing but ultimately up to you.
My sister has a terminal illness and has decided to donate her body to medical science. They take her body and when they no longer need it she will be cremated by them. So no funeral. Her choice. Felt a bit weird to me but it's what she wants.

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus

Mum definitely didn't have a basics funeral. But nowhere near 7k at a basic cost.

I wonder if there are strong national and regional differences through the UK?

My dad’s was a basic funeral due to covid restrictions. We also chose a basic coffin (he didn’t like fuss) and just 2 cars. There was obviously no wake. It still cost just over 5k. We live in Yorkshire.

This is starting to look like the competetively-shit-weddings threads - 'oh we got married in food-stained tracksuits and had our reception in a skip, we don't understand how anyone could want to have a nice new outfit and offer the guests champagne...'

Everyone's family circumstances are different. Everyone's experiences of grief and loss vary: plenty of people do find it enormously comforting to have a traditional-style funeral - and there are all sorts of ways that a funeral service can be arranged so it suits the person and their immediate family.
I don't think people should be pushed into having elaborate funerals by people who were less close to the deceased, but nor do I think people should be persuaded not to have a funeral at all if they feel that not having one would distress them further. Really, the people whose wishes take priority are those closest to the deceased (and yes, this can sometimes be enormously difficult because there are certain legal restrictions on who can and cannot arrange a funeral...)

@Stuffin

For those that say you must have a funeral for the living I wonder how many would be prepared to fund it themselves.

It is an awful lot of money for some families let alone the emotional toll of organising it.

My DM had a funeral because that was her wish and we had discussed it as she was diagnosed with terminal cancer long before she died. But if she had wanted no funeral I would have been perfectly happy to do that as well. For me it's not about the living but honouring the persons wishes who had died.

Indeed. My Mum's funeral was pretty pared down - and fortunately, they'd taken out insurance decades previously to pay for it - but it still came in at about £4.5K, which I felt was an astonishing amount of money for what was provided.

@Moonmelodies

Can you simply refuse to collect a dead person from the hospital, and let them deal with the disposal?

Yes, though at some point you will have to confirm in writing that you are giving up any interest in or say over what happens. You can't be legally compelled to pay for someone's funeral.

@MananaTomorrow

I think there are several issues there.

• no funeral for someone who was religious is awful tbh. If there is one thing that should be respected it is their religious beliefs and that should come first imo.

• for someone to say they don’t want a funeral once they are dead is crap. Bar religious reasons, funerals are for the livings not the dead. I think it’s up to the people who are left to decide what’s best for them.

How is it crap if they choose it? Nobody here is talking about overriding the wishes of the dead, except those insisting of a funeral.

You just need to discuss as a family. Everybody seems to have different views on this. I personally hate funerals, been to quite a few and just don't get it. They in no way give me closure or anything but distaste and wishing the day was over. When my dad was terminal we had a discussion, he was quite religious rest of us were not so needed to know what he wanted. He said it made no difference as 'you were in God's memory' mum and brother also didn't like funerals so was decided all of us would have direct cremations. My kids know this, I've even left details in my file of company I used for dad (simplicity cremations who were very efficient) and told them I would rather they enjoyed the money saved as funerals cost such a lot. The only family member who didn't agree, thought it was 'not right' was brother's wife who had only seen him about twice........ So we ignored her!

Kickers567

The thing that upsets me about direct cremation is that there is no care of the body. I didn't want to see my dad again in the Chapel of rest (had already said goodbye to him where he had collapsed on his floor), But it felt good to choose clothes that he would have liked, and to know that he was cleaned up and taken care of

I'm a funeral arranger and can tell you this isn't true. All deceased are given the same level of care and treated with the utmost respect and dignity. They are cleaned and given a 'facial' (cream applied to face and features set). The bodies are checked every single day they're in our care and at the very least they'll be dressed in a silk gown provided by the funeral home.

To the person who thinks coffins are recycled, again this is not true. The whole thing goes in the cremator, they're not re-used.

And lastly, to those who think funerals are a rip off in price - they can be expensive but it's only since doing this job that I've realised how much work goes into looking after the deceased and preparing the funeral. A lot of paperwork and dealing with various third parties from doctors to coroners to ministers and celebrants to crematoriums and cemeteries to graphics teams and so on. Yes funeral directors make a small profit but at the end of the day it is a business with staff and overheads so can't be done at cost.

Another thing is you get some fabulous humanists and my family only wish we had them for other family members years ago, as a non religious family the gyms and God talk meant nothing to us. And actually - I had a very close relative who died in their teens years ago and found the guy talking about God choosing them to be with them etc made my blood boil. More talk of God than about the person themselves. Since humanists have become popular it’s totally changed the funerals. It’s been nice to have someone ask all the questions and chat about the person and their lives and memories and then head to the wake and have a drink and a chat about the memories. Some have lasted all night! Anyway, I think having a chat with your loved ones is the best thing to do in these situations. You not wanting a formal funeral and your kids saying yep, that’s great, no probs, would put your mind at ease. On the other hand if they said that this would be hurtful in some way you could maybe come to an arrangement you’d all be happy with. There’s so many times that we don’t communicate and then someone dies and we find out things in the will/funeral plans/wishes that we’re surprised or possibly hurt by etc and never get the answers because the person is gone.

Personally, I plan to do a direct cremation/burial (I'm undecided yet 😂) but set some money aside for DC to have a day out together or a memorial service, whichever they feel is what they need. Then there's no pressure on them as to when or how it should be.

@Sausagedogsarethebest

Kickers567

The thing that upsets me about direct cremation is that there is no care of the body. I didn't want to see my dad again in the Chapel of rest (had already said goodbye to him where he had collapsed on his floor), But it felt good to choose clothes that he would have liked, and to know that he was cleaned up and taken care of

I'm a funeral arranger and can tell you this isn't true. All deceased are given the same level of care and treated with the utmost respect and dignity. They are cleaned and given a 'facial' (cream applied to face and features set). The bodies are checked every single day they're in our care and at the very least they'll be dressed in a silk gown provided by the funeral home.

To the person who thinks coffins are recycled, again this is not true. The whole thing goes in the cremator, they're not re-used.

And lastly, to those who think funerals are a rip off in price - they can be expensive but it's only since doing this job that I've realised how much work goes into looking after the deceased and preparing the funeral. A lot of paperwork and dealing with various third parties from doctors to coroners to ministers and celebrants to crematoriums and cemeteries to graphics teams and so on. Yes funeral directors make a small profit but at the end of the day it is a business with staff and overheads so can't be done at cost.

I was about to post something similar so thank you. We absolutely do care for all the deceased who come into our hands as much as possible (there are exceptions when, for instance, someone died in circumstances which meant their remains weren't found for some time - or, occasionally, if the bereaved do not want the deceased prepared in any way). And, yes, dealing with a dead person is a job for multiple people who all deserve to be paid for their labour.

This is a great idea. I'm going to put it in my will. I'll be cremated and they can take me to the cemetery whenever they want. Or stick me on a mantelpiece or chuck me in the loch.

I'll put aside money for them all to go out for dinner or me. And lots of 🍷

@NotNowAlan

I hate funerals. My sister has signed up with Pure Cremation and I think I'm going to too. The kids will have my ashes, they know where I want them scattered, and I'll leave them a lump sum to have a family party, where they can reminisce, play my favourite 70s/80s disco music and celebrate my life.

Yes this! Love it

I definitely don’t want a funeral but I do want to be buried in a nice quality coffin. (Cremation terrifies me!)

I won’t be upsetting anyone as I don’t have close friends who live nearby, I have no family on my side as I went NC 30 years ago and most of the ones who know me are dead now anyway. My DH is totally supportive of my wishes as our only adult dc has very severe learning difficulties so wouldn’t be able to attend and his 2 remaining siblings both live 3-6 hours drive away and although we get along fine we are not hugely close.

I was a very unwanted, illegitimate 50’s baby and I always say - tongue in cheek - I came into this world without celebration and I intend to leave in the same manner. 🤣

@Gwenhwyfar

"As a family, we will be perfectly capable of scattering her ashes and having a memorial get together (whether it be a meal, a walk, drinks, etc) where we can swap stories about her life."

What about friends?

You must have a strong faith if you're convinced funerals are for the dead and that they are all attending in spirit.

I don’t have a faith - am an atheist. I’d meant to type family/friends, but was typing too quickly!

I find it a bit rude that you think it’s ok to question what we’ve decided amongst us!

Unless there is a reason that this is likely to happen in the near future I think you are giving this too much time.

Opting for prepayment of a direct funeral at this point doesn't mean you can't change your mind and pay more at a later date.

As your children grow up, this can be discussed as a matter of course amongst other things

My children are now adult. From their teens, if someone we knew died, or there was a funeral on tv, I would just casually mention that I wanted as little fuss as possible when I died but they were definitely welcome to have a party in my honour.

As they have got older it's been more 'You can do what you want, as far as I'm concerned the body is just a shell, if anything left is wanted by the NHS or medical research they are welcome'.

I've also said I like the thought of my ashes going in the sea off the cliffs at Whitby but I won't know so they can put them in the bin if they want.

They are very much of the same mind and think a funeral is morbid and unnecessary - if they felt it was important they could do it as funerals are for the living not the dead.

It is also no ones else's business to decide what is or isn't respectful for my family.

"I find it a bit rude that you think it’s ok to question what we’ve decided amongst us!"

Um, it's a thread about whether funerals are useful or not so we should be able to discuss that.