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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think not having a funeral is OK?

561 replies

jevoudrais · 29/01/2022 10:32

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

OP posts:
HelpIcantfindaname · 29/01/2022 13:34

I have been to many funerals & found they do help me. I did look into Direct Cremation, my daughters aren't keen. I suggested they have a party to say good e & celebrate my life. They said they'd want to do it when my ashes were back.. but that takes a few weeks.
So I'm prepaying for a normal funeral. But they still seem to take weeks now.
I agree with others though, my funeral is not for me, it's for those left behind.

BagpipeBarmcake · 29/01/2022 13:35

My father did this. Pre-paid it and arranged it all. He had always told me he was having the simplest funeral possible but I didn't quite understand what direct cremation meant until it came to it. We didn't get a chance to talk about it in his final days as he died during wave one and all I got was one brief video call with him. Who am I kidding, we wouldn't have talked about it anyway.

The funeral director did give me the option to go ahead and have a funeral anyway but I felt that it was wrong to override my father's wishes. I didn't feel cheated in any way, but then for context, this was May 2020 when everything was more scary and complicated.

Calennig · 29/01/2022 13:35

My DGF wanted a bench with a plaque on - unfortunately it was at a time when there was a move in national press and with many major sites against this.

It went on private land in end - a group he'd be involved in they did a little cermony and I think that was nicer than anything else - beers and sandwiches months after his loss with little anncodates about him- was much better for everyone than service at crematorium.

sage46 · 29/01/2022 13:36

I live in a part of the uk where (unless a post mortem is needed) the deceased's funeral is often as little as three days after their death. When my uncle died (natural death) in another part of UK 3 years ago the family had to wait for nearly a month for the funeral! I felt very sorry for them that they had to wait in a kind of limbo for weeks to hold the funeral, maybe a direct cremation would have been quicker?

Brainwave89 · 29/01/2022 13:38

We have already organised this. Cheapest possible arrangement for a cremation and then a really good wake with a great free bar and entertainment and loads of opportunities to reminisce and tell good stories. FME with my parents funerals, the industry can be a rip off- very high costs at a time when people are grieving and people relying on funeral directors to tell then what is expected. Also if everything is organised it takes the pressure off your relatives at a time of real stress.

Wreath21 · 29/01/2022 13:38

@Pinkyantelope

It sounds like you've been to some awful funerals. I've been to a few like that but also been to modern ones that are all about the person that died and their lives, plus those left behind. No religious music. Humour and touching mementoes on the coffin etc. Having a humanist celebrant rather than a vicar helps massively.
I have also been to many which I found comforting and appropriate for both the person who had gone and those closest to them (I have been a celebrant as well as working in funeral admin). I don't think it's 'wrong' to opt for a direct cremation in the least - though I would like to point out that any funeral director will arrange one for you on request and that I consider the likes of Pure a bit opportunistic (not least because I wonder how much they pay their actual staff...) But it certainly isn't wrong to regard a funeral as a celebration of life and to enjoy it, particularly when it's a matter of someone who had a good long run and passed without too much suffering.

Every family/friendship group is different and people should do what suits the specific circumstances (and bear in mind that someone's probably going to judge, whatever you do.)

Lockheart · 29/01/2022 13:38

I don't think anyone is BU.

We had my dad's funeral recently. We did a church service because that's what he wanted and we were happy to organise it. It was quite a nice / comforting day, in many ways. He then went off to the crematorium on his own and we'll scatter his ashes later.

But neither my mum or I want a funeral for ourselves. We'd rather have a direct cremation and then a party. There's no arguments or "fuck you"s. Does no-one like their family or discuss anything with them?!

If mum changes her mind I'll organise a funeral for her. If I kick the bucket I won't be around to care if she does a full-on religious funeral with hired professional mourners.

Just talk with your family about it.

D0lphine · 29/01/2022 13:39

I agree that the wait for funerals is ridiculous.

Other cultures have it right- 48 hours and it's done, no messing. If you can get there fine if you can't you can't.

I've had 6 week waits and it just feels like everything is on pause until it's happened. Piss take.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/01/2022 13:41

I think a funeral is the last thing you can do for a loved one. So I don’t like the idea of direct cremation.

I agree with this. I think that, in the same way that your parents make a lot of choices on your behalf when you’re born/still too young to make them yourself – but ones that they believe/hope will be the ones that you would want (and not necessarily what they would prefer); you need to consider those for whom the funeral is actually taking place. It’s all about you but it’s absolutely not for you.

My will states that my family should use the "most cost effective" method to dispose of me. There's only really my brother and nephews and my brother is on the same page as me. I want my money to go to my family, not a funeral director.

By all means make your express wishes known to your loved ones, but the funeral/cremation/body disposal will need to have been dealt with long before it comes to the reading and executing of the will, so don’t rely on communicating anything to do with the immediate post-death practical arrangements that way.

If a DC is what you truly want, and you think it will suit your family (the ones actually grieving), by all means go for it; but I think that for some people, it’s almost a fake modesty. Sometimes, when people say they don’t want anything for Christmas, but they do really – they frame it like they’re trying to make it easier and more convenient for you, whereas they’re (sometimes) really attention-seeking and making it much more difficult for you than if they’d just told you two or three things that they would like to receive.

I reckon a major problem for those who haven’t carefully thought about it is that it’s the easiest thing in the world to declare, when you’re still very much living, that you just want the cheapest, simplest option; but a very different matter when the time comes for it to actually be done. After all, few people would feel comfortable in plainly saying that they do want all of the fuss and pomp on their behalf – it just doesn’t feel very ‘British’. And, unlike many things, you aren’t the one with the agency to change your mind when it comes down to it.

In fact, I imagine that, even if people do definitively change their minds when they know that they’re dying, they may well feel it’s too late/irresponsible to switch to having a funeral, as I highly doubt the direct cremation plan costs would be refundable. If one of the main ideas (as suggested by all the adverts) is that you can save money by opting for DC, who wouldn’t feel awkward/guilty ending up paying for both that AND a funeral?

And as for that woman in the ad weirdly saying that she wasn’t charged when she was born, so she doesn’t expect to pay much more when she dies – it’s not like being born and neonatal care doesn’t genuinely incur a lot of costs, it’s just that a baby obviously has no means of paying for it themselves. As with most things, adults (who’ve had chance to earn/save money) pay for what needs paying – and for the (lucky) majority of us, we will be very much adults just before we die.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 29/01/2022 13:41

@HappyPumpkin81

I don't want a funeral. I'm happy for everyone who knows/knew me to go to the pub together for a knees up.
This is exactly what I am planning. I hate cremations and funerals although I absolutely accept that for many people they are a comfort.
Staryflight445 · 29/01/2022 13:42

Funerals are just a money making scheme. They don’t change anything or really honour a person.

I won’t be having one, if people can’t respect that then that issue lies with them.

DoraSpenlow · 29/01/2022 13:42

I hate funerals. Having buried/cremated my parents and in-laws I found them horrific. Extra pressure when you are already at your very lowest. Gained no comfort from them at all. Everyone around me also agreeing and just wishing it was all over.

Don't understand how people say they can't grieve or say goodbye if there is no funeral. I am still grieving for my Mum and she died very suddenly from a stroke 20 years ago. I miss Dad terribly too but he had dementia and in the end I also felt relief hat he was no longer suffering. Often have a little tear when dusting their photos even now. Attending a funeral doesn't draw a line under grief.

So, I want a direct cremation and for everyone who wants to, to meet at our local a few months afterwards when a little of the sting has gone. Have a good drink and talk about all the daft things I did during my life.

I understand that everyone is different though.

Wreath21 · 29/01/2022 13:43

@Brainwave89

We have already organised this. Cheapest possible arrangement for a cremation and then a really good wake with a great free bar and entertainment and loads of opportunities to reminisce and tell good stories. FME with my parents funerals, the industry can be a rip off- very high costs at a time when people are grieving and people relying on funeral directors to tell then what is expected. Also if everything is organised it takes the pressure off your relatives at a time of real stress.
Any industry can be a rip off. When I am dealing with bereaved people I try to be as clear as possible about the breakdown of costs and where you can economise if necessary. And yet we still get people wanting £10000 coffins and horse-drawn hearses with six limousines, plus a marching band and a flight of doves. And there are certainly cultural variations in what is expected and wanted (have at least once supported a bereaved daughter in standing up to the neighbours who thought she should have the full monty when she and her late mum had wanted to keep things simple).
BigYellowHat · 29/01/2022 13:43

My dad had a direct cremation and then a wake down at the pub. If you’d have known him it was so ‘him’. Everyone just relaxed and getting merry talking about the good old days. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.

icedancerlenny · 29/01/2022 13:43

We’ve just had this with a member of my family and it was awful. There was no closure. It’s feels like nothing had happened. I haven’t cried or grieved. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Wreath21 · 29/01/2022 13:49

@D0lphine

I agree that the wait for funerals is ridiculous.

Other cultures have it right- 48 hours and it's done, no messing. If you can get there fine if you can't you can't.

I've had 6 week waits and it just feels like everything is on pause until it's happened. Piss take.

The average time between death and funeral is about 3 weeks where I am based. It's worth remembering that there is only so much capacity at any crematorium or cemetery - as it is, some people find crematorium ceremonies a bit 'conveyer belt' so the number of crems/graveyards in the area in ratio to the number of people dying there is a factor in the timing. Another factor, particularly these days, is the legal requirements for certain forms to be completed - you cannot proceed without these being done and some doctors are lazy buggers really overwhelmed with work and can't prioritize death paperwork over live patients.
whenwilliwillibefamous · 29/01/2022 13:49

Doesn't stop them organizing a wake or memorial service, does it?
I chose direct burial for my Mum, just very close relations present and no service, but organized a separate memorial/wake gathering. The prospect of elderly friends of hers slipping on winter mud in the cemetery and falling in the grave did not appeal!
And we were able to go to town on the big gathering. A friend's funeral had the undertakers looking daggers as we were overrunning the crem slot, AND the celebrant got his name wrong. This sort of nonsense definitely pushed me towards a more diy, pick and mix approach!

TheWernethWife · 29/01/2022 13:49

I'm having a Pure Cremation, my partner, son and granddaughter have been told to go out and have a bloody good booze up and remember me that way.

My daughter doesn't know about it, nothing to do with her as she shut the door in my face 8 years ago, as I had complained about her second husband being a racist/fascist, which he definitely is.

Blossomtoes · 29/01/2022 13:50

@userxx

I hate funerals and don't want my own, Id like a direct cremation, then a celebration of life party for people for whoever wants to go, lots of nice food, nice wine and happiness.
I have no idea why you care - you won’t be there whatever they have.
Huntswomanonthemove · 29/01/2022 13:51

As a family, we don't do funerals. Instead we have a get together with food and we celebrate our loved ones life. I works for us.

VioletOcean · 29/01/2022 13:54

It’s definitely the persons choice.
If you want cremation only that fine
If your dh wants funeral that fine
What ever you as an individual decides is fine

Co op cremation only in 2020 cost £1800 all in. Having dealt with the death, coroner, finances etc I was worn down to pieces and couldn’t raise a single thought let alone make funeral plans. Person wanted to be cremated so they got their wish, I stayed at home. 2 relatives moaned there was no funeral, I said they were welcome to plan and pay if in excess of £2k (all I had) and they soon stfu

Tara336 · 29/01/2022 13:54

I don’t want a funeral either, I have found it so distressing attending them and it just made everything more painful waiting in a weird limbo between losing the person and then attending the funeral. I don’t want to put the people I love through that. A direct cremation and just let my close family have a lovely meal together is much kinder in my mind. I find wakes awful as well

MananaTomorrow · 29/01/2022 13:56

I think there are several issues there.

  • no funeral for someone who was religious is awful tbh. If there is one thing that should be respected it is their religious beliefs and that should come first imo.
  • for someone to say they don’t want a funeral once they are dead is crap. Bar religious reasons, funerals are for the livings not the dead. I think it’s up to the people who are left to decide what’s best for them.
MananaTomorrow · 29/01/2022 13:58

@Tara336

I don’t want a funeral either, I have found it so distressing attending them and it just made everything more painful waiting in a weird limbo between losing the person and then attending the funeral. I don’t want to put the people I love through that. A direct cremation and just let my close family have a lovely meal together is much kinder in my mind. I find wakes awful as well
Who says that everyone will have the same experience than you though?

I have been to the funeral of my gran and FIL. I found them helpful for myself. I know my MIL found it helpful and so did DH.

ddl1 · 29/01/2022 14:01

ThePlantsitter:

*I think I should probably have been clearer and was a bit glib on a topic that doesn't really suit glibness. No offence was intended but I can totally see why it might be taken and I do apologise for that.

I think people should be able to do whatever they want about relatives' funerals including not having one. I think that planning a direct cremation with no conversation about it beforehand could well feel like telling a child (in particular) that you should grieve in the way the parent wants them to and leaves no room for the huge variety of emotion that happens after someone dies and the huge variety of comfort people can take from different funeral arrangements.*

Thanks - no problem - sorry I was a bit touchy!

I do agree with your second paragraph; but I think it can apply to any situation where the parent doesn't consult the child in advance: e.g. they unexpectedly find that their parent demands a 'big send-off' which causes great discomfort and sometime debt for the children.