To think not having a funeral is OK?

[jevoudrais]

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

I had a middle option for my DF. It’s called a Simple Service and is a cremation earlyish in the morning, a shorter than normal service, three songs, a short speech and a poem. No flowers or wake. It was perfect for him and cost 2K. Ideally I would have liked a small wake, coffee and cake type of thing but it was during lockdown so we couldn’t have one.

"I know of people who attended who he had washed his hands of when he was alive. So they only went out of guilt/hypocrisy."

Or maybe regret?

@ABCeasyasdohrayme I clarified in my subsequent post above that I wasn't referring to funerals for children, but was speaking within the context of most of the posts here which are assuming death in old age.

Nothing can lessen the sorrow of burying a child, and I am truly sorry for your losses.

Hmm. Nobody should force you if you really don’t want it, however I’d be thinking of what my kids want. They’re the ones who will have to grieve and I wouldn’t want to do any psychological damage to them! Yes it’s an old fashioned thing, as many traditions are but it does mean it’s in many of us to view the funeral as necessary for us to grieve properly. I had a few funerals in lockdown that I couldn’t go to (restricted to 6) and we found it quite difficult not saying goodbye in any formal way. Please don’t think I’m saying direct cremation is wrong or selfish in itself, I don’t. I do think though that I’d be discussing as a family when they’re old enough, because it’s them who will have to go through it.

It sounds like you've been to some awful funerals. I've been to a few like that but also been to modern ones that are all about the person that died and their lives, plus those left behind. No religious music. Humour and touching mementoes on the coffin etc. Having a humanist celebrant rather than a vicar helps massively.

My mother said she wanted a rowdy wake - instead we had a prim & proper church service since that's what comforted my relatives. They would have hated a carousing event.

I feel horrified at idea of people talking about me like folk talk at a funeral about the deceased (I've attended 3 funerals this year). But I won't be there -- sobeit.

...

YANBU in my opinion and what I have told my family I would prefer. The thought of my children lined up after my cremation having to make small talk with everyone as they exit the crem is my idea of hell. Why would I want to put them through that? That’s without taking into account how expensive it is. If they wish to get together and have a wake or just a cup of tea would be totally up to them. Being the centre of attention for any reason fills me with horror and don’t feel my death should be the total opposite of my personality.

You should have the funeral you want .
You could suggest to people they have a celebration of your life , by having a party of some kind , or a get together to scatter ashes in your favourite place with a picnic after and put money away for it to facilitate the event.

@Pinkyantelope

It sounds like you've been to some awful funerals. I've been to a few like that but also been to modern ones that are all about the person that died and their lives, plus those left behind. No religious music. Humour and touching mementoes on the coffin etc. Having a humanist celebrant rather than a vicar helps massively.

The hymns are the best part. I don't think 'modern music' is necessarily better at helping people through their grief.

DH uncle shopped around with funeral costs and saved thousands with his parents each time - they weren't in a rush one case family were away on holiday so there was a delay anyway.

Not so sure I'd have had the presence of mind to do similar.

Where we used to live local paper did some articles claiming funeral costs were the highest in the country to do with restricted access to burrial and cremation sites.

So I do think there can be considerable varration with costs which may not be immediately apparent to greiving family.

@mum11970

YANBU in my opinion and what I have told my family I would prefer. The thought of my children lined up after my cremation having to make small talk with everyone as they exit the crem is my idea of hell. Why would I want to put them through that? That’s without taking into account how expensive it is. If they wish to get together and have a wake or just a cup of tea would be totally up to them. Being the centre of attention for any reason fills me with horror and don’t feel my death should be the total opposite of my personality.

You could just have a funeral for family only if being the centre of attention is your issue.

@RacoonRocket

I haven't RTFT, but with the greatest respect funerals are for the living not the dead. It doesn't matter one jot what your personal view of funerals is, you are the one person who won't be experiencing it, so it should be left to those who are left to decide what is best for them.

I really don't get this whole organising your own funeral thing, it's the one thing you should never worry about because it's out of your hands and for other people to decide! Setting aside some money to pay for it however is always a good idea.

My father organised his own funeral in the last few months of his life. We helped him to find the photos he wanted on the order of service and the poems he wanted. It helped him. He was a control freak. He wanted it done the way he wanted . It helped the hospice carers too. They knew they were coming into a home where death was being openly discussed. They said they went to many homes where the patient and their family didnt want it mentioned and didn't want to acknowledge it was happening. My eldest son rode motorbikes in his teens and early twenties.He had several accidents, one was serious. He had written a note to me and a list of music he wanted if he died. I found it in his bedroom drawer after he had left home. He said that if he died on the bike I was not to be sad because he had died doing something he loved. If you know you are terminally ill or doing something dangerous it is not a bad idea to make a plan. It is also fine not too. Definitely good to put money aside or take out a funeral plan.

I think it’s a bit soulless, I have found organising funerals a lovely way to represent the people that lived, their favourite music, readings and a nice eulogy. I also agree it’s much more for the living than the person who dies.

I've told my husband I absolutely don't want a funeral, I literally want to use an eco friendly coffin and throw me in. Then my 2 DC (and partners if they are older and have them) and DH go for a picnic to a certain spot and concentrate on the happy times we had there

I think your children would feel it as a 'fuck off' from beyond the grave tbh.

I know you probably don't mean it that way, but to be honest I feel as though you're insulting anyone who doesn't want a funeral, including my parents who asked not to have funerals.

They were both very close to me. Both helped me a lot at various times of my adult life. Both did what they could to ensure that their affairs were in order (my dad had a serious illness, my mum was extremely old, so they were prepared for things happening) to make things as easy financially and administratively as possible for me and for other family members. And it actually made it emotionally easier for me not to have a funeral.

Just because someone prefers not to have a funeral doesn't mean they're telling their family to fuck off!

My mum has said she either wants a direct cremation, or for her body to be donated to help medical students in their studies - you’ve reminded me that we need to look into both properly.

I am absolutely fine with either, and definitely don’t feel it’s a “fuck you”. There is no way on earth that I’d go against her wishes - I’d view that as a massive insult and “fuck you” to her wishes. Just because she’s no longer here doesn’t mean that I have the right to override her feelings.

And I don’t agree with the whole “funerals are for the living” bollocks. As a family, we will be perfectly capable of scattering her ashes and having a memorial get together (whether it be a meal, a walk, drinks, etc) where we can swap stories about her life.

I’ll probably be doing something similar. I’d much rather my money went to friends/family having a lovely meal that lasts a few hours than 20 minutes in a crematorium (I never find them comforting, I find them bland and sterile).

"I've been to the funerals of 4 x grandparents between DH and I, a friend and my brother."

But not your parents. My adult children were under 25 when their Nan died, the funeral really helped. I think going to their Dad's (my DH) as children did as well. I had a difficult relationship with my Mother, abusive childhood etc but time spent with her body and the funeral helped me to put stuff to bed. We chose the music/flowers together and they had closure. I've paid for a simple funeral, I want a cardboard coffin. The option is then there for them to add to but we aren't that sort of family that want frills.
It's irrelevant how many funerals you've been to, they wasn't your mother's funeral.

"I feel horrified at idea of people talking about me like folk talk at a funeral about the deceased (I've attended 3 funerals this year)"

I'd rather be talked about than immediately forgotten or ignored. Most of the talk is positive isn't it?

Having arranged my Dad's funeral last year, I would say it is an absolute ballache to organise a funeral - a whole load of decisions which feel pointless and empty at one of the worst times of your life. Honestly - it felt like it was for everyone else who knew him, not me, my mum and my brother. I couldn't wait to get it out of the way so I could actually start grieving rather than having to be organised.

Discuss it with your kids, but I'd say go for direct cremation and say they can have a memorial event if they want to.

YANBU
We had my dad's funeral a few years ago, and to be honest it was very stressful and a complete blur. The funeral cost about £3k which no-one had lying around, and we had to arrange it around Covid restrictions. Dad had died suddenly so we were all in shock, and it was just all extra hassle that we really didn't need. My dad had always said 'just put me on the compost heap' and in a way we would have been better off doing the cremation and then a scattering later on. We did it to honour his memory, and because it's the default. I do think if it was for me I would want to be cremated, and then be scattered at a beach party or something? In fact you have inspired me to write this down.
To get back to you OP, just tell your kids what you want, and then if they want to arrange another event that's up to them.

"As a family, we will be perfectly capable of scattering her ashes and having a memorial get together (whether it be a meal, a walk, drinks, etc) where we can swap stories about her life."

What about friends?

You must have a strong faith if you're convinced funerals are for the dead and that they are all attending in spirit.

@ddl1

I think your children would feel it as a 'fuck off' from beyond the grave tbh.

I know you probably don't mean it that way, but to be honest I feel as though you're insulting anyone who doesn't want a funeral, including my parents who asked not to have funerals.

They were both very close to me. Both helped me a lot at various times of my adult life. Both did what they could to ensure that their affairs were in order (my dad had a serious illness, my mum was extremely old, so they were prepared for things happening) to make things as easy financially and administratively as possible for me and for other family members. And it actually made it emotionally easier for me not to have a funeral.

Just because someone prefers not to have a funeral doesn't mean they're telling their family to fuck off!

I think I should probably have been clearer and was a bit glib on a topic that doesn't really suit glibness. No offence was intended but I can totally see why it might be taken and I do apologise for that.

I think people should be able to do whatever they want about relatives' funerals including not having one. I think that planning a direct cremation with no conversation about it beforehand could well feel like telling a child (in particular) that you should grieve in the way the parent wants them to and leaves no room for the huge variety of emotion that happens after someone dies and the huge variety of comfort people can take from different funeral arrangements.

I know I would feel like that if my mum did this and tbh I can see her doing it, without consultation, so that's what prompted my post. But I should have said so differently.

"And I don’t agree with the whole “funerals are for the living” bollocks"
They are. Not everyone needs them. But if the OP and her DH were to be killed in car accident (quite possible) and her DCs were teens. They may need that closure. My youngest children were 10 and 8 and the funeral helped them understand that their Dad was gone. He'd been in and out of hospital so it was difficult for them to process.

As someone who recently buried a parent, I absolutely hated the meal/party afterwards and found the funeral service much more beneficial.

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus

Mum definitely didn't have a basics funeral. But nowhere near 7k at a basic cost.

I wonder if there are strong national and regional differences through the UK?

Yes, there are. One factor is crematorium/cemetery fees which are extremely variable (where I work, there are several of each and their fees vary by hundreds of pounds). Funeral directors/undertakers do have to be clear and transparent about their prices (which usually cover: care of the deceased over however many days between death and cremation/burial, transport, admin at the bare minimum). Prices of coffins vary, and the cost of a burial depends on whether or not the person is going in an existing family plot (or indeed had bought a grave plot for themselves before they died) or buying a new one. And the cost of a grave plot also varies a lot depending on the cemetery.