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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think not having a funeral is OK?

561 replies

jevoudrais · 29/01/2022 10:32

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

OP posts:
PollyPerkins87 · 29/01/2022 13:03

My Uncle sadly passed away in November and it was his wish not to have a funeral. The funeral arrangements were all dealt with. My Aunt was told the date of the cremation etc. It did feel a little odd not to have a funeral to go to, but we are planning a celebration of his life a little later this year. We are not a religious family.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 29/01/2022 13:03

We had the experience of a small ‘service’ in a Crematorium chapel before the coffin was moved for cremation. It was straightforward, easily organised and felt meaningful. Is this Direct Cremation or is there another name for it if you have a little service?

notanothertakeaway · 29/01/2022 13:04

I like the solemnity and gravitas of a funeral, but hate looking at a coffin, knowing there is a dead body inside

I've been to a couple of funerals where immediate family only went to crematorium, then had a funeral service immediately afterwards

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 29/01/2022 13:05

@astoundedgoat

Gosh. I absolutely LOVE a good funeral. But I'm from a culture that traditionally goes all in for them. Big events, family and friends invited. A celebration of life, so it would be unthinkable not to have a nice big funeral.

I'm really surprised at the people saying they're traumatic. If anything, the LOSS might be traumatic, certainly. The funeral's "job" is to soothe that loss, and centre the joyousness of the life of the deceased, EVEN if they were a miserable git. :)

But we also do them very quickly after the death. Someone I know here in the UK only yesterday buried a loved one who died back in mid December, which is just astonishing to me.

You 'love' a funeral? Confused glad you get some enjoyment from someone you (presumably) care about dying. I would have been fucking furious if anyone said such a thing about my children's funerals, they weren't entertainment ffs.

Not all funerals can celebrate a life either, my daughter had 2 weeks of a life filled with pain before she died, and my son was only months old when he died. You're very privileged in your thinking.

When my son died I only wanted close friends there but my mother decided it was embarrassing to have a small funeral and invited everyone she knew, all eyes were on me and it was bloody awful, I couldn't grieve in peace at all. Hey, as long as the attendees all had a good time though.... Hmm

Gwenhwyfar · 29/01/2022 13:05

" if you are the only person who can be traced as having any reponsibility to someone who has died (eg your great-uncle who fell out with the rest of the family years ago and you are the only blood relative left) you can refuse to be involved/pay for it at which point the local authority will pay for a direct cremation. But you do have to sign a form saying you refuse to do it and therefore you won't have any say over what happens."

I've heard about this. It's a difficult one though isn't it. There's no way I'd want to spend my life savings on a distant relative's funeral, but abandoning them for a council one would be difficult.

Yesyesyesno · 29/01/2022 13:07

Personally I think funerals are for the living, not for the dead. You’re dead, you don’t know what’s going on. Anything to make the pain a little easier for my loved ones. I’d be heartbroken if I couldn’t attend my Mums funeral. I don’t think I’d ever get over that.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/01/2022 13:08

"There is also a lot of evidence to suggest that humans cannot really process that a death has really occurred to a close loved one until they see a body. They need that visual closure. I disagree. Plenty of people don’t view the body at or before a funeral. "

Not any more, but we used to and there was probably a reason for it.
I couldn't make it o my gdf's funeral and it's haunted me ever since. For a while I thought it was the reason I had nightmares about him, but after my dgdm's death, I also had nightmares so I suppose I get those whatever. I'm so glad I didn't miss her funeral though to say good bye and too all my relatives on that side gathered together and saying lovely (mostly!) things about her.
I still dream about them, but the dreams are becoming happier...

AngelinaFibres · 29/01/2022 13:08

Funerals are at least £7,000 these days plus the cost of a coffin floral spray and the wake food, drink and location afterwards. If the deceased hasn't planned financially it is a huge burden for the relatives. There is a bit of financial help that you can apply for but it is a drop in the ocean of all the costs. I would rather my children and the small number of other people I truly love, had a fabulous meal , dressed up in something lovely and remembered stuff about me. I live in a village where lots of people have died recently. It seems to have almost become a hobby for other people to attend funerals. We had 3 in a week during July. No need for them to do an evening meal those nights because they can just pop into the wake.

endlesssighing · 29/01/2022 13:08

Funerals are never for the dead, they’re for the living.

My father died when we were young and my mum went through the motions as was the norm. We found it traumatic. Strangers we didn’t know wailing for our dad, having to sit in front of a coffin as a eulogy was read, sitting through a wake. It was awful.

My mum has said she absolutely doesn’t want a funeral. Her exact words of ‘nail the bloody lid down and have done’ is something we will try to honour.

If anyone doesn’t respect the wish to not have a funeral then it’s about them, not you. To an extent I understand that I do but there are a myriad of ways to say goodbye to a loved one without a formal funeral procession.

We have agreed after my mum’s death (which has been imminent for a number of years) there will be no funeral for random acquaintances. We will have her privately cremated and then there will be an ordinary church service the following Sunday at her local parish (that she loves) dedicated in her name for anyone who wishes to pay their respects.

No eulogy, no speeches, no wake etc.

My siblings and our families will go for a lovely walk that day and have a nice meal out afterwards. Just us together which is what meant the most.

Grief is life shattering at the best of times. What’s imperative is you do what is right for YOU. Don’t want to go to the funeral? Don’t go. Don’t want to be at a burial or wake? Don’t do it. Want one? Do it. Want to delay it and have a memorial six months later? Do it.

Be selfish with grief if the alternative is expectation. Your grief is always your own and there is nothing you ‘have’ to do.

HashtagShitShop · 29/01/2022 13:09

We didn't have a funeral for my grandfather, different reasons than you though as he was a violent abusive arsehole for his entire life and noone wanted to go "celebrate his life" when everyone was just glad he was no longer here.

Impressed at the price of a direct cremation (admittedly we live in the arse end of nowhere and not a major city) it was 2200 for the entire thing with no service and his ashes scattered by the crem staff.

I will likely use direct cremation for future deaths that I am involved with but perhaps have a service which is also possible and approx a further three hundred pounds (or was in 2019).

BooksAndHooks · 29/01/2022 13:10

YANBU it’s exactly what we plan to do. I’d far prefer the money not be spent on a cut and paste funeral service. I’d rather have a direct cremation and the money could be used for a family meal, holiday, day out, party anything that is a better reflection of our time together than a 20 min service the same as everyone else’s.

dottydodah · 29/01/2022 13:11

godmum56 Dad died when I was a child . Didnt go to the Funeral though. You are probably right ,many people can grieve without a Funeral . I just think its a way of saying goodbye properly . Still imagine it would seem strange if someone passed and no arrangements made. The Vicar said as much to my friend who didnt want one for her Dad when he went in his 80s .I must admit I hate going to one and find them traumatic.Very little spoken of Death in our Society I think .

user1496146479 · 29/01/2022 13:11

@jevoudrais

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

Where I am, funeral takes place with 1-2 days. Much easier to get closure
ChrimboGateauxCatto · 29/01/2022 13:11

The funeral is for your surviving relatives. Speak to them x

Guacamole001 · 29/01/2022 13:12

I also think funerals attract people going who did not care enough about the person when they were alive. So why go when the are gone? Madness.

A friend died last summer and he had not seen his daughter for years due to a falling out. She was the one organising the funeral and apparently very upset. I did not go due to worries about covid but I know of people who attended who he had washed his hands of when he was alive. So they only went out of guilt/hypocrisy.

Just our culture I guess.

iklboo · 29/01/2022 13:12

We've just had a direct cremation for my dad. Mum's housebound so wouldn't be able to get to a service. We're having a small wake at home instead. We've already said goodbye when he died, we don't need to be in a crematorium or around a grave for that. I understand some people feel differently, of course.

Plus direct cremation is £££ cheaper.

Calennig · 29/01/2022 13:12

My IL early 70s very social do now seem to enjoy a good funeral we get to hear all about them Hmm- but it's their friends I don't think that was so true when it was their close family.

I certainly haven't found GP funerals great - vicar didn't know then so it was generic talk - lots of people not seen for years all expecting to be fed and watered by family who frequently been ground down prior to it all with caring reponsiblites. Usually not much about the person being burried with my family - seemed similar with DH family as well.

I don't know if it's just my family but many big visible events don't seem to happen any more - weddings either not done or very small, christening not done -graduations not always a big thing.

I do wonder if this is the way things are moving in our culture.

I don't think it a wrong choice - and when it's time the children/relatives wll have options to do more if they choose if they feel the need for something.

ddl1 · 29/01/2022 13:12

I disagree with you about funerals being for the living. Why should I pay for something I don't want or believe in, and find abhorrent?

I would prefer no funeral for myself, but I do disagree on this. The funeral costs will come out of the estate so your family will presumably have their inheritance reduced - so it's them who are paying for it, not you (as the cliche goes , 'you can't take it with you').

AlDanvers · 29/01/2022 13:12

@AngelinaFibres

Funerals are at least £7,000 these days plus the cost of a coffin floral spray and the wake food, drink and location afterwards. If the deceased hasn't planned financially it is a huge burden for the relatives. There is a bit of financial help that you can apply for but it is a drop in the ocean of all the costs. I would rather my children and the small number of other people I truly love, had a fabulous meal , dressed up in something lovely and remembered stuff about me. I live in a village where lots of people have died recently. It seems to have almost become a hobby for other people to attend funerals. We had 3 in a week during July. No need for them to do an evening meal those nights because they can just pop into the wake.
No they aren't. We recently paid 3.5k. Including the wake and Post funeral good and drink.

Of course if you want to spend more you. Usually don't need to know. Mum definitely didn't have a basics funeral. But nowhere near 7k at a basic cost.

Crackercrazy · 29/01/2022 13:13

@HappyPumpkin81

I don't want a funeral. I'm happy for everyone who knows/knew me to go to the pub together for a knees up.
This exactly how I feel except the pub - I’d like everyone to go for a cream tea (my favourite) and think of me.

Ultimately though, funerals are for the living aren’t they? When I told my mum about direct cremation, she pointed out that my DC might like the ‘closure’ of a funeral…difficult one really.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/01/2022 13:14

"Not convinced the formal funeral setting allows people to actually grieve - more of a stiff upper lip setup."

Well, no, it's one of the few places open crying is allowed.

Pallisers · 29/01/2022 13:14

I'm Irish and always loved the big funeral. But recently my stepdad died and there was no funeral/no memorial service at all. he didn't want one. Just a cremation. There was no pushback from family because of covid.

I was surprised at how good it felt not to have to turn around immediately after a death and organise a funeral/meet everyone. We were able to just adjust to his death in our own time. Missing all the aspects of a funeral that had given me comfort in the past didn't matter at all.

I've known two people in close family/friends who died tragically young. One had a tiny private funeral - not even aunts or uncles there. One had a big funeral for everyone - beautiful eulogy by the parents, friends involved, music that mattered, lunch for everyone after with photos of the lovely young person everywhere. I would have done the second but I know that both sets of parents grieved in the same way afterwards and in the end the funeral wasn't going to solve or not solve anything much - just personal preference.

I think you do what you want and it is fine.

iklboo · 29/01/2022 13:15

Honestly funerals arent about you, your funeral isn't your decision

It absolutely is. That's why they ask for your preference in wills.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 29/01/2022 13:17

Mum definitely didn't have a basics funeral. But nowhere near 7k at a basic cost.

I wonder if there are strong national and regional differences through the UK?

Frankley · 29/01/2022 13:17

YANBU. My husband died a year ago. We had discussed funerals and decided we wanted direct Cremation. I used Pure Cremation, I'd read about them but not signed up or prepaid. They were excellent. I recently decided l wanted to do something and l am going to plant a tree at the local Natural burial field which will have his name attached. A few family members are coming and we will all go to a nearby restaurant afterwards. I didn't know what l wanted till now.
This has been a perfect way for me and I'm sure this would have pleased him.