To think not having a funeral is OK?

[jevoudrais]

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

@Theunamedcat

My grandad wanted this my family arranged a funeral regardless

A friend's mother was a militant atheist, but her daughter gave her a Catholic funeral to keep an aunt happy. The daughter herself was not a believer so thought it was more important to keep the living happy than the dead.

[quote HelloFrostyMorning]@astoundedgoat

Gosh. I absolutely LOVE a good funeral.

Fuck me sideways! I don't even know where to start with THAT comment. That is God-Tier level hideous. Have a word with yourself FFS. [/quote]
I think you REALLY don''t understand that funerals are viewed differently in different countries cultures and not everybody here is British.

The funeral of a child, for example, would be devastating, but the funeral of an elderly loved one can be a great family gathering for people who might not have seen each other for a long time.

Every single funeral I have been to, including that of my adored - and by no means elderly - mother, was a highly positive social/family occasion, where people came together to celebrate how much they loved the person who had died and support each other in their loss.

My mother's funeral helped tremendously with my grief, and yes, was a "good funeral".

@JaniieJones

'I'm really surprised at the people saying they're traumatic. If anything, the LOSS might be traumatic, certainly. The funeral's "job" is to soothe that loss, and centre the joyousness of the life of the deceased, EVEN if they were a miserable git'

But they don't soothe anything. It is a event to endure. If it is an elderly person who has died peacefully then perhaps there's soothing going on but no, generally the sight of that coffin absolutely is the most horrific and distressing thing possible and no amount of kind words and eulogies makes it a therapeutic expedice. I want a direct crem with folk having a few beers in the pub maybe playing my favourite songs whilst talking about how lovely I was .

Yeah this in spades. ^ The whole 'ooh I love a good funeral' attitude is pretty sickening tbh, and a massive insult to those people who have been devastated at the loss of our loved ones, and who found the funeral a really traumatic experience.

I am hiding this thread now, because some of the comments from several posters are making me really fucking angry, and actually starting to upset me.

@Sirzy

I think it’s something you need to discuss as a family.

Personally I would much rather my loved ones met at a local restaurant and had a good meal and few drinks sharing memories than have a traditional funeral service. I know for others the service itself is important though.

This for me. I'd much rather direct cremation although I've registered to donate body to science if they'll have me. Much rather be remembered over a good meal with a few drinks hopefully a funny story and a few laughs.

Maybe a tree planting thing where people can gather in solemn rememberance if they are all desperately keen.

I had two relatives that died of covid and it was horrendous had to arrange a double funeral for about 10 guests .

I did think about doing a direct cremation but was pressurised by others to arrange the funeral .

Tbh I am not sure what the answer is . Everyone said I gave them a lovely send off and they appreciated what I had done but personally I don’t think it helped me .

My grandma had this and organised it herself. She didn’t want the sad party afterwards. My mum has said she wants the same. You don’t need a party or event after to remember the person.

My dad's funeral was terrific. Loads of singing, reminiscing, meeting old friends and family. We wished we'd recorded it 😳 Similar here. It depends on the person. My father wrote his own eulogy

I'd let your family know that you are very happy to NOT have a funeral, and suggest they use the money saved in any way they like - family gathering, whatever. However, I'd also let them know that if they feel they want a funeral, that's their decision to make.

My Dad has already said he wants direct cremation and have a party instead. I think it is a great idea - I personally don't find funerals that helpful. But a party to celebrate someone's life, now that i can get on board with.

I have told my family that I want a direct cremation and then fir them to go out to lunch, smuggle my ashes in if they wish, talk about me a bit over the meal, then scatter my ashes with my dad in a spot we all visit often. I don't want to traditional funeral. The costs are becoming ridiculous. I like the wake afterwards but find the service part difficult.

I haven't RTFT, but with the greatest respect funerals are for the living not the dead. It doesn't matter one jot what your personal view of funerals is, you are the one person who won't be experiencing it, so it should be left to those who are left to decide what is best for them.

I really don't get this whole organising your own funeral thing, it's the one thing you should never worry about because it's out of your hands and for other people to decide! Setting aside some money to pay for it however is always a good idea.

@TheWordWomanIsTaken Yes - a family I know in Australia lost an adored sister, a young woman with children, and it was a devastating loss because it seemed like her cancer had been in remission then very suddenly it came back and she died in the space of a couple of weeks.

They had a humanist celebration of her life in the outdoors, no coffin but a shroud, singing and dancing, and generally did it her way, and it was a hugely uplifting celebration of love and sorrow at the same time. A little surreal, because her loss was so shocking and unbelievably sad, but a celebration none the less.

I've donated my body, so that cuts out all the nonsense.

YANBU. The kids can do whatever they like after if they want to. I'm sure it would be a lot better & not so expensive that way. Some people need a funeral, whilst others don't. This will be your final decision, I think that people should respect that.

I went to a funeral where the family was split in two, they separated after the church & each did their own thing. I'm sure there would've been a helluva punch up otherwise. For that reason I almost didn't go & had planned to do my own thing.

"The vast majority of people at funerals are just there to show their face, to pretend they give a shit, and to see if there's anything up for grabs in the will."

This is really insulting. Wills aren't read at funerals either are they, or people will be contacted individually and if they are beneficiaries they'll get it whether or not they went to the funeral.
People go to pay their respects. To say good buy to the deceased and to be with their relatives. Yes, there can be parts that people enjoy, a good eulogy, a nice hymn or a few pints afterwards, doesn't make them evil people.

I didn’t know these existed. I think they’re a great idea and am going to look into it. I love the idea of doing away with all the pomp and flowers and cars and the trappings that come with a funeral, and instead having an informal remembrance party and interring or scattering the ashes a bit later.

For me, I really dislike the idea of a funeral. I’ve already made it clear to DP that he’s not to put me in a hearse and preferably just get me cremated. I’ll say the same to dd when she’s old enough. If they want to do something ceremonial with my ashes they’re free to crack on; I quite like the idea of attending my own wake in my urn.

Ultimately though it’ll be up to whoever is left to sort it all out. If doing something more traditional will bring them comfort then they can, I won’t have planned for it though.

"The last funeral I went to was a teenager who had died in an accident. Absolutely horrific, and yet even that was a beautiful, moving ceremony that his parents and siblings are proud of."

Yes, so if he had died and had no funeral, that would have been worse.
I can understand that for some people the funeral doesn't bring comfort because it doesn't bring the person back, but for others it does help.

I want one of these too, I dont want my kids having the rigmarole or organising and paying for a funeral. I think direct cremation is way forward.

@Feeellostindirection

I want a direct cremation and have stipulated to my family that I do not want a funeral, for all the reasons you have stated op plus if people want to see me they can do so whilst I'm here.

Good points. When my dad was dying we had a team of carers. They shared going to funerals of people their company had cared for. They said the saddest thing was caring for someone over a long period if time who had not a single visitor when they were alive ,but soooo many mourners at the funeral once they were dead.

Me and DP have noted in our wills that we would prefer a direct cremation. We have had a chat with our adult DS and explained our wishes and why we are doing this (i have recently had to arrange my dads funeral which I found immensely stressful, the actual funeral didn’t help me feel any sort of ‘closure’ and the cost was eye watering despite being a small funeral due to Covid restrictions and so no wake). We have told him there will be enough money to pay for a traditional funeral if this is what he decides he wants for us and have given him guidance about what we would want if he goes down this route. But to be honest I’d be happier knowing he spent the money he would save on a fabulous holiday for himself. I think this would be a much better way to remember us by.

@Torunette

What I would say is think carefully about dispensing with rituals.

Rituals create boundaries, and recognise a transition into a different stage of the life course. As humans, we created them for a purpose.

I would argue funerals are not really about "saying goodbye". On a deeper level, they are more about recognising formally that something significant has changed, that life going forward will be different than how it was before, and that change being formally registered by a wider circle of people.

Not doing the funeral ritual does not dispense with the pain. It is a way for the living to face it, rather than tuck it away -- to face the "goneness" of death.

There is also a lot of evidence to suggest that humans cannot really process that a death has really occurred to a close loved one until they see a body. They need that visual closure.

I worry sometimes that we react to rituals that feel old-fashioned by chucking them out, rather than reforming them. There are lots of funeral directors who will work with a family to deliver a ritual that is not old-fashioned. My mother, for example, had a white wool coffin and a service at a local memorial chapel with poems and a eulogy written as though it was a fairy tale.

And her funeral was extremely painful, though there were moments of smiling. But it was necessary. It was a event that marked the transition between being a married man and a widower for my DF, and having a living mother and no longer having a living mother for me.

I would suggest that if you dispense with a funeral, you need to put something else of equal weight in place. The problem there is that a very alternative ritual with no real antecedents for that purpose may not be sufficiently resonant enough to hit the right psychological notes for attendees, and there are dangers of going somewhere that, at the moment you turn up, ends up feeling very inappropriate.

To be honest, some of this sums up some of the aspects of funerals that I find most upsetting.

Funerals don't change the fact that someone has died. They've died, whether you have a funeral or not. But one of the worst things is that they are sometimes used as ways of marking the change in the lives and social roles of the bereaved: now you're no longer a wife but a widow; now you're no longer a son but a man without parents; etc. And this can cause people's lives and relationships to be changed even more than necessary.

I may be extreme because I find the social marking of transitions in life (unless they are something chosen, like a wedding or a new job) quite distressing even in much more trivial situations - e.g, birthdays which mark and rub in my change from one age to another. But as regards funerals, I don't think I'm so unique. I think that even most people who are comforted by funerals would prefer them to be focused on honouring the person who died, rather than on changes (both avoidable and unavoidable) in the lives and roles of the people left behind.

I greatly prefer memorials to funerals, because they are focussed on remembering the lives of the people who died, rather than focussing on their deaths, public grief, and the roles of the bereaved people.

Also: I think that for some people in some circumstances, one may need to see the body to accept the death. But not for everyone, and not always, and it may actually make things harder for some people by overshadowing memories of the person when they were alive.

Of course, we are all different, and must, where possible, focus on what is most comforting in the particular situation. I would never demand that my family members can't have a funeral for me, if it really does help them to come to terms with my death; I would just not demand that they have to grieve in this particular way.

@EishetChayil

"I hate funerals" is like "i hate hospitals". Who doesn't??

Loads of people don't hate funerals.

I felt bullied by my brother into accepting a non religious funeral similar to direct cremation for my mum. At the final hour I requested a small church service with only 7 very close family present. The vicar was excellent. He gave a short eulogy which was funny and touching. No hymns, just some music. I am not religious, which my brother held against me, but mum had affiliation to the church. I am so glad I did this for her.

I hate big funerals like my dads. Not intentional, but he was a popular man but respect aside, I had no clue why some attendees were there at all. No problem with direction cremation, but if otherwise keep it small and personal.