To think not having a funeral is OK?

[jevoudrais]

Looking at prepaying funeral or cremation plans for DH and I. I've realised you can do a direct cremation without a funeral service.

Does anyone think this robs anyone of the chance to say goodbye? My brother died last year and the wait for the funeral was horrendous. The funeral was horrendous. I can't say I've found the six funerals I've been to in my life remotely helpful in any way for grieving and such like. I feel they have dragged the grieving out further, if anything.

If we go for direct cremations, are we going to cause our DC issues by taking that experience of planning and attending a funeral away from them?

YANBU - direct cremation sounds easy and simple
YABU - it's not up to you, it's the decision of those left behind (but I fear they would do a funeral because they feel they 'should'?)

@AlternativePerspective

But again, and no-one has yet answered this, if you think that funerals are for the living and you have no right to decide whether or not you will have one, then surely you equally have no right to decide that you want your body donated to science? After all, your body isn’t yours to do with as you see fit because it’s the property of your family who have the ultimate say.

What's your question exactly? If you leave your body to science, science wont come get it til your next of kin notify them its available. If they don't, science wont turn up 10 years later wondering what happened to it. Science also wont fight for it if your nok say know, weve decided that what Alternative Perspective really wanted was to be interred in an expensive mausoleum.

It's the same principle by which an organ donation card is an expression of intent but your nok get the final decision.

I'm really surprised at the people saying they're traumatic. If anything, the LOSS might be traumatic, certainly. The funeral's "job" is to soothe that loss, and centre the joyousness of the life of the deceased, EVEN if they were a miserable git

Have you ever been to a Catholic funeral? Or I should ask, are you religous? If you're not of a faith, funerals are in my opinion, even worse because the words of the priest or whoever don't really offer any comfort. It's all a strange world of unfamiliar things and routines...church when you don't usually, go, somber words being spoken, strange smells....people you don't see....awful.

@TheWordWomanIsTaken
"A funeral takes priority over everything else from the estate. Even HMRC."

that assumes that the funeral happens and is paid for before probate.

@FortunesFave

But again, and no-one has yet answered this, if you think that funerals are for the living and you have no right to decide whether or not you will have one, then surely you equally have no right to decide that you want your body donated to science? After all, your body isn’t yours to do with as you see fit because it’s the property of your family who have the ultimate say.

This is irrelevant because the lack of an assembly with some traditional words is nothing to do with what happens to the body. The body is either cremated or buried but the funeral is the service and the words spoken/songs sung.

Yes I agree. What happens to the body still happens to the body whether there’s a funeral or not. My mum has organised that she goes to medical science, so her body won’t be there, but we’ll still have a memorial for her when she dies.

I vote YABU as my Mum didn't want a funeral. I think it would have helped me enormously as the person left behind to have one.

I think it's fine as long as your relatives understand that you aren't saying " no funeral please", and that they can arrange whatever they wish, whether that is nothing, or a traditional funeral, or a little DIY service.

When my dad died, my mother preferred to have no service of any sort. He'd donated his body to science, so there wasn't even a cremation. I was fine with it, but my sister later told me she'd felt deprived of a chance to say goodbye, but felt unable to ask for it at the time.

A few years later when my mum died, my sister arranged a lovely DIY ceremony in a local quilt shop.

You have to talk to them about it first!
If they don't care whether or not there is a funeral, then do it your way - but if they feel that they would need to have one, then sort it out so that they can.

I arranged a direct cremation for a family member, and (on a different day), a sandwiches / coffee / drinks do with a celebrant at a local restaurant. I think it worked really well, and the family member wouldn't have wanted lots of extra £ spent on a funeral for the sake of it.

I’ve found humanist funerals better, more personal. Otherwise I’d like a direct cremation then put money aside for family and friends to go out for a pub lunch

Why are you asking a bunch of strangers on the internet? Ask your children!

@astoundedgoat

Gosh. I absolutely LOVE a good funeral.

Fuck me sideways! I don't even know where to start with THAT comment. That is God-Tier level hideous. Have a word with yourself FFS.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

You have to talk to them about it first! If they don't care whether or not there is a funeral, then do it your way - but if they feel that they would need to have one, then sort it out so that they can.

surely if they want the funeral its not up to the OP to pay for it?

'I'm really surprised at the people saying they're traumatic. If anything, the LOSS might be traumatic, certainly. The funeral's "job" is to soothe that loss, and centre the joyousness of the life of the deceased, EVEN if they were a miserable git'

But they don't soothe anything. It is a event to endure. If it is an elderly person who has died peacefully then perhaps there's soothing going on but no, generally the sight of that coffin absolutely is the most horrific and distressing thing possible and no amount of kind words and eulogies makes it a therapeutic expedice. I want a direct crem with folk having a few beers in the pub maybe playing my favourite songs whilst talking about how lovely I was .

I’ve told my DC they can put me out with the bins if they want to, or whatever else they feel at the time is appropriate. I kind of feel it’s not my problem as I’ll be dead 😊.

There is still a cremation when you donate your body to science. The next of kin get notified whenever they’re done with the body.

Personally I'd find it preferable to a long wait for a funeral. I hated the waiting when it came to my family members, it just meant more time to dread it.

[quote godmum56]@TheWordWomanIsTaken
"A funeral takes priority over everything else from the estate. Even HMRC."

that assumes that the funeral happens and is paid for before probate.[/quote]
Not sure what you mean.
Most banks will release the funds from the deceased's account (even if frozen) to pay the FD invoice.
If the deceased didn't have the funds/an estate, then I guess up to family members or local authority in any event and there would unlikely be an application for probate.

I had no idea direct cremation existed. Thank you OP. This is exactly what I want for myself. I’ve arranged several funerals for family members and don’t want to put my daughters through that when it’s my time. A celebratory/memorial meal at a later date is fine if they want but direct cremation is definitely what I would like and I know they’ll agree.

@Sloth66

I’ve found humanist funerals better, more personal. Otherwise I’d like a direct cremation then put money aside for family and friends to go out for a pub lunch

I've always found the funerals without the involvement of a minister or a humanist celebrant the most personal. A humanist celebrant will only know what you tell them about your relative, I've been to two funerals arranged and delivered by family members (personal words/memories, readings, music etc) and they were both lovely tributes to the deceased person.

*Gosh. I absolutely LOVE a good funeral. But I'm from a culture that traditionally goes all in for them. Big events, family and friends invited. A celebration of life, so it would be unthinkable not to have a nice big funeral.

I'm really surprised at the people saying they're traumatic. If anything, the LOSS might be traumatic, certainly. The funeral's "job" is to soothe that loss, and centre the joyousness of the life of the deceased, EVEN if they were a miserable git.*

Having to be in a large room full of sobbing people, all dressed in black, singing somber songs while staring at a dressed up dead person in a glossy box isn’t what I would call a celebration of life.

Perhaps your culture does it differently?

My partner doesn’t want a funeral when the time comes and I totally respect that. I don’t think it’s an insult to myself or our daughter at all. He said take my ashes and go to a particular place we have had happy holidays and my daughter totally gets this.

One of the main reasons he said and I agree is that funerals in my opinion do not offer any closure at all. In terrible weather I always feel it befits a funeral but it doesn’t help and in funerals I have been to with beautiful weather I am always desperately sad that the deceased person is missing this beautiful day.
My partner said he doesn’t want anyone having to visit a grave as it is too depressing but he would rather they visit somewhere we happy memories.
Each to their own, but I do think you should be able to request what you want

DH has a life limiting illness so this is something we've had to discuss. We're not religious at all in fact atheist is a better description. We decided together with the DC (30-somethings) on direct cremation and a gathering at our house on the day of the cremation of anyone who knew him and wants to attend. Basically a party with his favourite music, and a pause for some more formal proceedings where a eulogy will be delivered by his DB, followed by anyone who'd like to also saying a few words, then a minute's silence before resuming the party.

I have attended formal religious funerals, humanist funerals and simple gatherings. It's up to each family what they do.

When DH's ashes are returned some time after the cremation, DC, myself, BIL & SIL will take them to his favourite place in the forest and scatter them.

This is his choice fully accepted by those closest to him. May that day be far off...

It depends on the situation doesn't it? Funeral for an elderly person who lived a full happy life VS someone very young, or who died in horrid, grisly circumstances.

Sitting 10 foot away from your loved ones coffin and imagining the state of the body is never going to be a positive experience. It vastly depends.

I hate funerals and don't want my own, Id like a direct cremation, then a celebration of life party for people for whoever wants to go, lots of nice food, nice wine and happiness.

Of course people find funerals helpful, otherwise they wouldn't exist in so many cultures, would they?
It's an important part of getting used to the idea that the person has gone forever. I find watching the coffin go down useful too. It makes it clear in your mind that it's final.
I can understand that you may have a dark view of funerals if all the ones you've gone to have been extremely sad ones. I've gone to funerals of old people that were not particularly sad and a respectful way to say good bye.