Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh ?

411 replies

P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 08:35

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/01/2022 12:21

If he’s generally supportive, then I think you should maybe give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion?

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 12:23

@NoSquirrels

If he’s generally supportive, then I think you should maybe give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion?
Aha ! It happened this morning and two Saturdays ago. So I wanted some input from you lot as to how to avoid this happening again in two weeks time 😬
OP posts:
Classicblunder · 29/01/2022 12:23

It's a 15 min walk?! It wouldn't occur to me to drive that because it's a 15 min walk!

My 5 year old walks that every week to a swimming lesson after school when he is tired. My 2.5 year old walks 10 mins to nursery every day.

Are you not a bit embarrassed to be that lazy?

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 12:25

@Classicblunder

It's a 15 min walk?! It wouldn't occur to me to drive that because it's a 15 min walk!

My 5 year old walks that every week to a swimming lesson after school when he is tired. My 2.5 year old walks 10 mins to nursery every day.

Are you not a bit embarrassed to be that lazy?

My commute is 4.5hours. I work full time. How the fuck is that lazy? Jesus Christ
OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 29/01/2022 12:25

This ! I can’t believe some of these replies . He should get up and give you a lift because he wants to given the gruelling commute you have to do when he works basically part time .

Wouldn't a second car key be a better option though? Why does he need to get up when the solution is so simple. Is it a matter of principle i.e. deliberately not doing the easy, practical thing so he has to be inconvenienced? Because she's got it tough and he has it easy. So even though it can be solved so they're both happy, they should not do that, but insist he get up just in principle? Is that healthy for a relationship?

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 12:27

@Classicblunder

It's a 15 min walk?! It wouldn't occur to me to drive that because it's a 15 min walk!

My 5 year old walks that every week to a swimming lesson after school when he is tired. My 2.5 year old walks 10 mins to nursery every day.

Are you not a bit embarrassed to be that lazy?

If I worked ten minutes away or even 30-45 minutes walk away I would happily do that both ways.
OP posts:
willithappen · 29/01/2022 12:27

I think you are BU both to expect the lift on his day off and to then decide to take the car and have it so he can't use it all day

PinkSyCo · 29/01/2022 12:28

Just tell your DH if he doesn’t want to drive you to the station he will need to buy himself a key so that you can drive yourself.

NoSquirrels · 29/01/2022 12:28

It happened this morning and two Saturdays ago. So I wanted some input from you lot as to how to avoid this happening again in two weeks time 😬

Well, you’ve had that (second key etc) but you said it wasn’t really about that, it was about lack of care/consideration. But you say he’s definitely usually very supportive, you’re not resentful of his free time because you’re not jealous, soo….?

If you’re OK working FT with a big commute, and you’re OK with him working PT and having time off, then your expectation that he should give you a lift because you’d give him one is the issue.

BarbaraofSeville · 29/01/2022 12:29

Even if they get a second key, he still needs to get the car from the station if he wants to use it.

It's not hard. He can choose between running the OP to and from the station, getting the car later, after his lie in or do without the car for the day.

I don't understand what his problem is.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 12:30

@NoSquirrels

It happened this morning and two Saturdays ago. So I wanted some input from you lot as to how to avoid this happening again in two weeks time 😬

Well, you’ve had that (second key etc) but you said it wasn’t really about that, it was about lack of care/consideration. But you say he’s definitely usually very supportive, you’re not resentful of his free time because you’re not jealous, soo….?

If you’re OK working FT with a big commute, and you’re OK with him working PT and having time off, then your expectation that he should give you a lift because you’d give him one is the issue.

Yep and so I'll get a second key. Point is - it isn't a one off situation as you suggested. It has happened twice.
OP posts:
Classicblunder · 29/01/2022 12:31

My commute is 4.5hours. I work full time. How the fuck is that lazy? Jesus Christ

I get how the commute would be tiring but a 15 min walk is nothing, if it honestly tires you out, I would see your GP

Strictly1 · 29/01/2022 12:35

I'd walk - your car won't even be warm by the time you've driven there. I'd be annoyed at having to get up to drive such a short distance. Taking the car is selfish. He does help you with your children. I'd be focusing on sorting the commute - it's too much.

Kshhuxnxk · 29/01/2022 12:44

DP would probably not want to get up either as hes a night owl however I would either take car or get a taxi. Lifes too short to add another 15-20 minutes onto a ridiculous commute. In fact I wouldn't do the commute at all.

Yuckypretty · 29/01/2022 13:11

Who's car is it?

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 13:27

@Yuckypretty

Who's car is it?
Our car. Although he gets it most of the time. I use it every other Tuesday when I do school runs and the weekends I have my kids
OP posts:
RobertsYourFathersBrother · 29/01/2022 13:28

OP, you ask if your DH's comfort really trumps cutting your commute time down marginally. I think that's a question you have to ask yourself. How important is it to you that he have his lie in? Something that is clearly important to him. Maybe consider if your roles and situations were reversed? It also sounds like it's a reasonable split of what you both contribute, especially helping with his step children. I'm with most of the posters on here saying they would do the walk so as not to begrudge their partner a lie in.

Gizacluethen · 29/01/2022 13:34

I think this would be solved by having 2 cars tbh.

But. He can sort out a second key if he wants the car on the Saturdays you're you're working. Take the car in the morning and the rest isn't your problem. He's a grown man working half the week, he can sort himself a key if he wants one or get on public transport or cycle while you're working.

Gizacluethen · 29/01/2022 13:36

He gets plenty of lie ins. If it was his only day off then he'd have a point but it's not his only day off and he doesn't have any kids to look after so he can help you out and spend some time with you in the morning.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 13:36

@RobertsYourFathersBrother

OP, you ask if your DH's comfort really trumps cutting your commute time down marginally. I think that's a question you have to ask yourself. How important is it to you that he have his lie in? Something that is clearly important to him. Maybe consider if your roles and situations were reversed? It also sounds like it's a reasonable split of what you both contribute, especially helping with his step children. I'm with most of the posters on here saying they would do the walk so as not to begrudge their partner a lie in.
I think if I had three days off all to myself each and every week - so the potential of six lie ins a fortnight - and my husband commuted and worked as hard as I did, I would not hesitate to drop him off on one of those days at the station at 8am. Or mind if he took the car and I would use public transport or walk to places.
OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 29/01/2022 13:42

Have you told him how it feels to you? That it isn’t really about the lift it’s about him not wanting to make your life slightly easier? He may see it differently, or not realise how it has made you feel.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 13:42

@Classicblunder

My commute is 4.5hours. I work full time. How the fuck is that lazy? Jesus Christ

I get how the commute would be tiring but a 15 min walk is nothing, if it honestly tires you out, I would see your GP

I just want to shorten my commute when I can. I'm sure my GP would be thrilled to hear all about it
OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 13:43

@Gizlotsmum

Have you told him how it feels to you? That it isn’t really about the lift it’s about him not wanting to make your life slightly easier? He may see it differently, or not realise how it has made you feel.
I'll talk to him when I get home later.
OP posts:
Dora33 · 29/01/2022 13:48

I'm not surprised you are upset that your DH doesn't think he should give you a lift to the station or for you to take the car. That he doesn't consider how that small bit of effort from him would really help you out.
To be honest even though you love your job, I would be envious at time of the lesser hours he does, if I were you.
Does your job enable your dh to work pt? Or would he still be able to do so if you also worked pt or if he was by himself.

trunktoes · 29/01/2022 13:50

I think you are being unreasonable. I am in a similar situation and I wouldn't expect my husband to give me a lift neither would I think it was reasonable to have the car rendering it useless all day. I would either walk, get a cab or if it's that much of an issue but a cheap car. It's one day every other week - surely you can manage to sort yourself out

Swipe left for the next trending thread