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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh ?

411 replies

P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 08:35

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 11:42

@NoSquirrels

This isn't about moving forward. This is about how I feel upset at what I perceive to be shitty behaviour from my DH

I don’t think it was that shitty. It’s more that this demonstrates to you that he doesn’t really understand the pressure you’re under.
Neither of you are terribly unreasonable in this matter, but you’re feeling jealous of him and his free time, but equally he might feel a bit resentful you’re not around on a weekend to spend time with him.

Family life is hard, everyone reacts with poor grace sometimes. Forgiveness is a good thing.

Fix practicalities going forward, which you say you’re going to do, and try to let go of any resentment.

I'm not jealous. I think I feel resentful that if the shoe was on the other foot I would do it for him. It's the least I would do if I had five other days a fortnight for lie ins and all to myself. So it's him not thinking about me that I feel hurt by.
OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 29/01/2022 11:43

If he worked full time too I would say yabu, but as he only works 3 days a week i would suggest he needs to help you with your commute, or get a full time job so that you can have cars.

ANameChangeAgain · 29/01/2022 11:44
  • cars each.
Momicrone · 29/01/2022 11:46

Can't you cycle to the station

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 11:46

@NuffSaidSam

Because I have a mortgage to pay and kids to feed and there are no jobs in my industry where I live. I won't uproot my dc as their dad has them 50% of the time and I won't take them away from him as they love each other and it's the best thing for them. I also want to further my own career after years side stepping in work and jobs / working PT to look after my children. So it's a choice but it isnt. I'm not prepared to work in low paid work and be miserable in that just because I'd like to use the car once a fortnight on a Saturday

But none of that is the responsibility of your current DH is it?

Seriously? Yes he is responsible for helping towards mortgage and bills and other shared commitments (pets, household maintenance). We have helped each other with school runs for each other's children over the years. We are a family and we look after each other - well supposedly
OP posts:
ihateliningup · 29/01/2022 11:46

@NuffSaidSam

Because I have a mortgage to pay and kids to feed and there are no jobs in my industry where I live. I won't uproot my dc as their dad has them 50% of the time and I won't take them away from him as they love each other and it's the best thing for them. I also want to further my own career after years side stepping in work and jobs / working PT to look after my children. So it's a choice but it isnt. I'm not prepared to work in low paid work and be miserable in that just because I'd like to use the car once a fortnight on a Saturday

But none of that is the responsibility of your current DH is it?

How is it not? It's her car too, that she pays for. And he lives in the house with the mortgage that needs paying.
DisforDarkChocolate · 29/01/2022 11:49

I would just get another key and leave him in bed if I didn't fancy the walk.

My husband though, would happily get up and drive me.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 11:50

@Momicrone

Can't you cycle to the station
Yes I could - that is a solution. I will get a second key though and if Dh wants the car on the Saturday he can walk to the station and get it
OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 29/01/2022 11:51

Seriously? Yes he is responsible for helping towards mortgage and bills and other shared commitments (pets, household maintenance). We have helped each other with school runs for each other's children over the years. We are a family and we look after each other - well supposedly

Yes. Seriously.

He needs to pay his fair share. If he can't do that on 3.5 days a week he needs to earn more. It's that simple.

But the kids that need feeding are not his.
You being stuck in one location with work and another location because of your kids is not his responsibility.
You working the weekend to spend time with your kids (instead of spending the weekend with him?) is your responsibility, not his.

CannelloniMacaroni · 29/01/2022 11:53

YANBU but I’d get a bike!

hangrylady · 29/01/2022 11:55

I can't believe how many comments on here siding with the OPs DH! Do women really gave such low expectations? My DH is far from perfect but the thought of him working fuck all hours while I worked my arse off and not getting up early every other weekend to give me a lift is absolutely ludicrous.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 29/01/2022 11:55

We are a family and we look after each other - well supposedly

Him deciding he doesn't want to give you a lift twice a month doesn't mean he's not looking after you, though.

You are making a choice to work on a weekend when you could work during the week instead - IMO that means you need to figure out a solution that doesn't impact on the rest of the family too much.

So, getting a separate key cut, walking, paying £5 for a taxi, cycling etc.

I wouldn't want to get up early on one of my days off because my husband had decided to work when he could work during the week and we could both have a weekend lie in.

NuffSaidSam · 29/01/2022 11:55

How is it not? It's her car too, that she pays for. And he lives in the house with the mortgage that needs paying.

Absolutely. And if he can't pay his fair share on 3.5 days a week then he needs to work more.

But the kids and the job location/living location, choosing to work weekends, choosing so work long hours etc. are not his responsibility.

Amisillyornot · 29/01/2022 11:59

@P4nicSt4tions

Does DH's comfort really trump me shaving 30-40mins off my commute once a fortnight when he has 3.5days a week to lie in / nap etc ?
No you are NBU. You shouldn't even have to ask. A caring DH would offer. For 2 years my DB used to drop me at the station at 7 am to save me walking 10 mins esp in winter..also a safety thing. He's lazy. He's already having a lie in the other days hes doesnt work.
TyrannosaurusRegina · 29/01/2022 12:01

@P4nicSt4tions

The lift is once every other weekend at 8am. I don't ask for lifts at any other time.
This is still one in two Saturdays, I know personally I like a nice lie in on a Saturday.
Dragongirl10 · 29/01/2022 12:09

I think he is being selfish, you work and commute so many more hours than him, 20 minutes saved makes a huge difference.
I say this as someone whose DH has a brutal commute, and l would do that in a heartbeat.

ChoiceMummy · 29/01/2022 12:10

@P4nicSt4tions
I'm glad you recognised that this situation is your choice. Your oh has made different ones.
You live with the consequences of your choices and he his.
Do you not have a shared mortgage as you said, Because I have a mortgage to pay and kids to feed and there are no jobs in my industry where I live.

southlondoner02 · 29/01/2022 12:11

Your DH already gets at least 2 lie ins a week - Friday and Sunday. Most working people don't get more than this - plenty get less. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to give you a lift once a fortnight, he has plenty of leisure time.

From what I can see you're working bloody hard. I work part time and DH full time. His work enables my part time hours so I expect to do things to support him with that. I can't imagine not offering him a lift if he had the frankly horrendous commute you have.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 12:14

@NuffSaidSam

Seriously? Yes he is responsible for helping towards mortgage and bills and other shared commitments (pets, household maintenance). We have helped each other with school runs for each other's children over the years. We are a family and we look after each other - well supposedly

Yes. Seriously.

He needs to pay his fair share. If he can't do that on 3.5 days a week he needs to earn more. It's that simple.

But the kids that need feeding are not his.
You being stuck in one location with work and another location because of your kids is not his responsibility.
You working the weekend to spend time with your kids (instead of spending the weekend with him?) is your responsibility, not his.

Sorry I don't agree. We love each other's children and do whatever we can to help each other with them and to support each other to make sure our children are happy. Which is the priority. I don't see it that he has zero responsibility towards my children and vice versa and neither does he
OP posts:
garlictwist · 29/01/2022 12:16

I sort of agree with your DH, I'm afraid. It does seem a bit of an imposition for him when you could get there under your own steam. Could you drive, hide the key near the car and he could always get it later if he wants? (or get another key?)

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 12:16

@southlondoner02

Your DH already gets at least 2 lie ins a week - Friday and Sunday. Most working people don't get more than this - plenty get less. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to give you a lift once a fortnight, he has plenty of leisure time.

From what I can see you're working bloody hard. I work part time and DH full time. His work enables my part time hours so I expect to do things to support him with that. I can't imagine not offering him a lift if he had the frankly horrendous commute you have.

He has 3.5days off so can have three lie ins a week. He has six lie ins a fortnight. This is about one of those lie ins
OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 12:18

[quote ChoiceMummy]@P4nicSt4tions
I'm glad you recognised that this situation is your choice. Your oh has made different ones.
You live with the consequences of your choices and he his.
Do you not have a shared mortgage as you said, Because I have a mortgage to pay and kids to feed and there are no jobs in my industry where I live.[/quote]
Yes it is my choice - we support each other with our choices. If he didn't want me to do it or if my children were struggling then I wouldn't do it. I did not take this job without talking about the hours and consequences with my husband who doesn't resent helping with school runs

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 29/01/2022 12:18

Sorry I don't agree. We love each other's children and do whatever we can to help each other with them and to support each other to make sure our children are happy. Which is the priority. I don't see it that he has zero responsibility towards my children and vice versa and neither does he

If you're on the same page, that's great. From this commute issue example it doesn't really sound like you are though!

I think a bit of couples counseling to talk it through would be really helpful.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 12:19

[quote ChoiceMummy]@P4nicSt4tions
I'm glad you recognised that this situation is your choice. Your oh has made different ones.
You live with the consequences of your choices and he his.
Do you not have a shared mortgage as you said, Because I have a mortgage to pay and kids to feed and there are no jobs in my industry where I live.[/quote]
And yes I choose not to work in low paid work and be miserable. We are both happy with our work choices at present and generally support each other to fulfil our personal and professional goals

OP posts:
Timeflyin · 29/01/2022 12:20

@stressedy

frankly im with you i think he's being a twat your commute sounds like torture ! hes should want to give you a lift not be throwing his dummy out !!! he works 3.5 days lille wtf!!!
This ! I can’t believe some of these replies . He should get up and give you a lift because he wants to given the gruelling commute you have to do when he works basically part time .