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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh ?

411 replies

P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 08:35

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 13:53

@Dora33

I'm not surprised you are upset that your DH doesn't think he should give you a lift to the station or for you to take the car. That he doesn't consider how that small bit of effort from him would really help you out. To be honest even though you love your job, I would be envious at time of the lesser hours he does, if I were you. Does your job enable your dh to work pt? Or would he still be able to do so if you also worked pt or if he was by himself.
It's a short to medium term thing. I can't do this long term and don't want to.
OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 13:55

@trunktoes

I think you are being unreasonable. I am in a similar situation and I wouldn't expect my husband to give me a lift neither would I think it was reasonable to have the car rendering it useless all day. I would either walk, get a cab or if it's that much of an issue but a cheap car. It's one day every other week - surely you can manage to sort yourself out
Yeah I sort myself out walking and commuting / cycling across London using Santander bikes every day. I just want to cut my commute where I can
OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 29/01/2022 14:03

I love my lie in so yabu. No I wouldn't expect him to get up. Get a taxi, ride a bike, get second car key cut.

CerealKiller22 · 29/01/2022 14:03

I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time @P4nicSt4tions. It is such a small gesture that would make a huge difference to you. Yes, you both chose the work that you do but you have combined it into one household/ partnership, you would hope a partner would help you out now and then whilst there was such a disparity in work balance. As another poster asked, does your job enable him the work/ life balance that he has?

Anyway, I'm sure you don't need anyone else telling you to get a key for the car...He should have no issues with you taking it. It's only a 15 minute walk and if it's good enough for you, then it's good enough for him.

TheRealityCheque · 29/01/2022 14:12

It's always fun when someone asks 'AIBU', the vast majority of people say yes so they keep doubling down trying to justify it.

You are being unreasonable. Why bother asking if you won't listen to the loud replies?

Comtesse · 29/01/2022 14:14

Yanbu. He either gets a lie in or the use of the car all day (until you get a 2nd key). Thems are the breaks. Your commute is awful, every little reduction is legit.

thegiftrift · 29/01/2022 14:18

@P4nicSt4tions

Does DH's comfort really trump me shaving 30-40mins off my commute once a fortnight when he has 3.5days a week to lie in / nap etc ?
No it doesn't, it's just the martyrs have gotten to this thread first. Take the car he gets the day off he can deal with not having a car one day. Or if he can't then he can sort getting the key cut.

I'll tell you something that is true- work trumps home! You work that day you get to take the car!

SenecaFallsRedux · 29/01/2022 14:20

I can't believe all the grief you are getting from posters on this thread, OP. You are not being unreasonable. All things considered (his work week vs. yours, etc) he should give you a lift or be willing to surrender the car for the day.

Having said that, you do need to get a second key for the car.

MilduraS · 29/01/2022 14:24

I love a lie-in but if my DH was in your position I'd be dragging myself out of bed once a fortnight. I think he's being selfish.

twilightcustard · 29/01/2022 14:29

Does DH's comfort really trump me shaving 30-40mins off my commute once a fortnight when he has 3.5days a week to lie in / nap etc ?

Just get another key cut for the car. Or is there further issue you want to be clearer about?

affairsofdragons · 29/01/2022 14:31

YANBU. He has 2 extra days during the week to have a lie in based on what you've told us about his schedule.

Take the car if he won't get up.

Tell him to get another key made next week.

RandomMess · 29/01/2022 14:32

My DH doesn't drive 99% of the time he sorts things out himself and although I won't be thrilled to get up early or go out late to give him a lift I do it to be supportive. It's usually some ridiculously early train for his hobby day away.

BABAHOTEL · 29/01/2022 14:34

I would definitely give you a lift, I'm amazed at how many wouldn't!

So if it's pissing with rain, cold etc, he lie in bed and let you walk?

Yeah, you should have two keys but in the meantime, I would deffo do it.

Pallisers · 29/01/2022 14:41

No it doesn't, it's just the martyrs have gotten to this thread first.

Not just martyrs - shit partners too. They should be having a relationship with their "lie-ins" as for many it seems to be the priority.

Cakeandcardio · 29/01/2022 14:43

I don't think it would kill him to give you a lift. He's being selfish.

sweepthenmop · 29/01/2022 14:49

My DH would do this for me without hesitation because he would see how hard I was working and want to make my life just a little bit easier. That's what we do for each other in our family.

He would hand me a cup of tea as I got out of the shower and check if I wanted any breakfast.

It's one Saturday a fortnight. Even if he was working full time he would still get three lie ins out of four.

Obviously you'll get another key OP but I would think it's less disruptive for him to drop you and have the car than to factor going and getting the car into his day.

Think you're getting a harder time than you deserve on this thread for being a successful working mother who dares to expect her husband to support her. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

BobHadBitchTits · 29/01/2022 14:51

I'd do this for my husband and he'd do it for me.

Or, I'd make do without a car and so would he.

A lot of you seems to be in quite sad relationships if you're not willing to make each other's lives that bit easier.

Sedai · 29/01/2022 14:59

I don't think he's being really bad, but at the same time he could just give a lift while getting a new key sorted. My DH doesn't work weekends and if I need a lift he won't hesitate to do it. He can always jump out of bed and just put sweats on then jump back into bed for a while after.
He does sound good though with the help he gives with the kids and that.

SomethingSuss · 29/01/2022 14:59

@PeakyBlender

No way I wouldn't do this for DH and I know he'd do it for me.

We're in a relationship where we make things easier for each other.

I think your DH is a selfish prick.

Same. I work PT and it's a 20 minute walk. However the job is extremely hard physically and I'd much rather take the car to work than walk.

DH knows that if he wants the car (which is actually my mum's as she's lent it to us while we save to replace ours) then he needs to get up and drop me off or do what I do when he's away to work with it: walk and use public transport.

But the biggest reason he drops me off is not so he can have the car. It's because he wants to. He knows I don't want to walk and he can't see any reason to not do something kind for his own wife.

Dishwashersaurous · 29/01/2022 15:02

Get another car key cut.

You drive to station. He walks and picks it up later

Larabananas · 29/01/2022 15:09

Cycle and lock your bike at the station. Way quicker than walking.

greyinganddecaying · 29/01/2022 15:14

I'm with you OP. Your DH is being totally unreasonable.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 15:53

@TheRealityCheque

It's always fun when someone asks 'AIBU', the vast majority of people say yes so they keep doubling down trying to justify it.

You are being unreasonable. Why bother asking if you won't listen to the loud replies?

The vast majority have not said yes. I think it's balanced
OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 16:00

@BobHadBitchTits

I'd do this for my husband and he'd do it for me.

Or, I'd make do without a car and so would he.

A lot of you seems to be in quite sad relationships if you're not willing to make each other's lives that bit easier.

Yes i can't believe that if people on here had six child and work free days to themselves a fortnight, they wouldn't help their harder working OH on one of these days at 8am for five minutes because their lie in is more important.
OP posts:
BABAHOTEL · 29/01/2022 16:20

@TheRealityCheque

It's always fun when someone asks 'AIBU', the vast majority of people say yes so they keep doubling down trying to justify it.

You are being unreasonable. Why bother asking if you won't listen to the loud replies?

It's always fun when a poster makes themselves look an absolute fucking fool by talking shite!!

It's no way unanimous, but don't let that stop you spouting rubbish!