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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh ?

411 replies

P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 08:35

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 11:06

@Theluggage15

I wouldn’t want to have only one car key, what a nightmare if you lose it. Get another key cut, problem solved. Or is there a reason you don’t want to make things simpler?
Read my responses. I have said moving forward getting a key cut is the solution.

This isn't about moving forward. This is about how I feel upset at what I perceive to be shitty behaviour from my DH

OP posts:
D0lphine · 29/01/2022 11:06

This is a mad work schedule.

Are you ok OP? This all sounds so hard.

NuffSaidSam · 29/01/2022 11:07

Why are you so keen to know who is being unreasonable?

The solution is simple; get another car key. So why not just do that and agree to disagree? Why do we need to pick over who has done what in the past and who works how much and who cares for who's kids and how many days in a fortnight he can sleep in and how far the station is....

Just sort the problem and move on.

Are you having other problems in the relationship?

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 29/01/2022 11:08

Does he usually use the family car much on the two Saturdays when you commute? If yes, I'd treat myself to a taxi on those two days. If not, I'd take the family car with that 2nd key you're going to have cut.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 11:08

@NuffSaidSam

Why are you so keen to know who is being unreasonable?

The solution is simple; get another car key. So why not just do that and agree to disagree? Why do we need to pick over who has done what in the past and who works how much and who cares for who's kids and how many days in a fortnight he can sleep in and how far the station is....

Just sort the problem and move on.

Are you having other problems in the relationship?

I've answered this above
OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 29/01/2022 11:09

Maybe couples counseling would be a good idea? It's clearly deeper than this one issue.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 29/01/2022 11:12

This isn't about moving forward. This is about how I feel upset at what I perceive to be shitty behaviour from my DH

The thing is, if this was a husband choosing to commute to London everyday and choosing to work on a weekend instead of in the week, I suspect the majority of responses would be saying that as he's choosing to go to work at the weekend, he needs to sort his transport an commute out himself, not expect his partner to get up on a Saturday to facilitate his choices.

Cocogreen · 29/01/2022 11:12

I agree with you that it's shitty behaviour by him.
I think he's being mean.
But he thinks you're mean to drive yourself and leave him without the car.

Get another key, leave the car at the station and you sort of both get your way, but I feel this car business is a symbol for other stuff you're unhappy about.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 11:19

@NuffSaidSam

Maybe couples counseling would be a good idea? It's clearly deeper than this one issue.
I think we need to discuss that if he is working PT - which I don't mind - then what is fair and what isn't. So neither of us feel like this
OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 29/01/2022 11:20

20 minute walk? No, unless you have a disability you don't need a lift.

NuffSaidSam · 29/01/2022 11:20

No-one is really being unreasonable. You've both got a fair point. The problem is practical; no second key.

The fact that it's such an issue to decide who is 'wrong' points to much bigger problems and maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 11:21

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

20 minute walk? No, unless you have a disability you don't need a lift.
He can walk too
OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 29/01/2022 11:22

I think we need to discuss that if he is working PT - which I don't mind - then what is fair and what isn't. So neither of us feel like this

I think you're right.

It's bigger than this one issue.

You need to dig into the finances a little and see what everyone thinks is fair.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 11:24

@D0lphine

This is a mad work schedule.

Are you ok OP? This all sounds so hard.

I'm ok and this isn't a long term thing
OP posts:
Hunderland · 29/01/2022 11:26

Get another key cut

Get a taxi

Buy another car

ihateliningup · 29/01/2022 11:26

He sounds like a selfish twat. My dh would do this no questions, as would I.

Tell him to work more and fund his own car.

rmummyofone · 29/01/2022 11:27

He's being unreasonable. Surely the station isn't an hour away lol
He can go back to sleep if he'd like once she's dropped you off or simply allow you to take the car yourself.
You mentioned you work longer days in the week, and he only works 3.5 days. So Saturday isn't exactly his only day off..
He needs to be a bit more considerate in this situation x

Maybe discuss it in person when you've both had time to think on it x

ChoiceMummy · 29/01/2022 11:28

@P4nicSt4tions
"No he doesn't work on Friday nights. He was out with his pals last night but that is his choice"
It's not unreasonable that he uses his nights off work how he pleases to use them.
You've CHOSEN to work this role in this location and chosen to work Saturdays. Why does your choice trump his?

CorsicaDreaming · 29/01/2022 11:29

@tulippa

Could you drive the car to the station and then he walks to pick it up later once he's had a lie in? Then he could pick you up when you're back from London in the evening. Assuming you have two keys for the car.

He would get the car for the day and you avoid a walk to the station first thing.

I think @tulippa solution is the best one. For me it would be worth the cost of getting another key to mean this was possible. Or just book a taxi for those mornings and walk back or he collects you in car in evening.

I had a 10-15 min walk for a 7:15am train when I used to commute. Enjoyed the walk as was then sitting down on train - work for rest of day - and it split work and home life.

It is unreasonable for him to be deprived of car all day for you to avoid a ten minute walk imo (unless it's really bad weather) or for him have to get up early on the one day he can have a lie in.

Socialcarenope · 29/01/2022 11:30

YABU.

At least get a second key.

NoSquirrels · 29/01/2022 11:34

This isn't about moving forward. This is about how I feel upset at what I perceive to be shitty behaviour from my DH

I don’t think it was that shitty. It’s more that this demonstrates to you that he doesn’t really understand the pressure you’re under.
Neither of you are terribly unreasonable in this matter, but you’re feeling jealous of him and his free time, but equally he might feel a bit resentful you’re not around on a weekend to spend time with him.

Family life is hard, everyone reacts with poor grace sometimes. Forgiveness is a good thing.

Fix practicalities going forward, which you say you’re going to do, and try to let go of any resentment.

IwishICouldTurnBackTime · 29/01/2022 11:34

YANBU. Given how many hours you work it's the least he can do for you.

lostinthejungle22 · 29/01/2022 11:35

Are there bike racks at the station? Get a bike and cycle to and from every day, save quite a bit of time.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 11:39

[quote ChoiceMummy]@P4nicSt4tions
"No he doesn't work on Friday nights. He was out with his pals last night but that is his choice"
It's not unreasonable that he uses his nights off work how he pleases to use them.
You've CHOSEN to work this role in this location and chosen to work Saturdays. Why does your choice trump his?[/quote]
Because I have a mortgage to pay and kids to feed and there are no jobs in my industry where I live. I won't uproot my dc as their dad has them 50% of the time and I won't take them away from him as they love each other and it's the best thing for them. I also want to further my own career after years side stepping in work and jobs / working PT to look after my children. So it's a choice but it isnt. I'm not prepared to work in low paid work and be miserable in that just because I'd like to use the car once a fortnight on a Saturday

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 29/01/2022 11:42

Because I have a mortgage to pay and kids to feed and there are no jobs in my industry where I live. I won't uproot my dc as their dad has them 50% of the time and I won't take them away from him as they love each other and it's the best thing for them. I also want to further my own career after years side stepping in work and jobs / working PT to look after my children. So it's a choice but it isnt. I'm not prepared to work in low paid work and be miserable in that just because I'd like to use the car once a fortnight on a Saturday

But none of that is the responsibility of your current DH is it?

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